*Closed* Free 500 Wii Points with a Caveat *Closed*

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sonderiaom

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Howdy all. I received in my email a code for 500 wii points. The problem being however that I don't have it hooked up to the internet anymore and they are going to go to waste. Good part is that I am going to give them away to you. The bad part though is that I'm going to require a joke, I like jokes, and the joke that makes me laugh the hardest I will send the code to.

This "contest" will last until 8 am pacific time tomorrow.

And as a way to start it off:

What did the fish say when he hit the cement wall?
DAM!

Edit: Thanks all for entering, nycmetsfan was the winner, good luck in all other types of contests and such.
 
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Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
 
A couple hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
 
A leprechaun walks into a bar. After several pitchers of beer, the leprechaun runs over to a large, mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits on his legs. The guy reaches out to grab the leprechaun, only to miss him as he jumps back to his seat."If you know what's good for you, don't come near me again, or I'll rip off your little tallywagger," yells the mean-looking guy.After a few more pitchers, the leprechaun runs over to the mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all over his legs again. This time, the guy successfully catches the leprechaun."All right, I've got you this time. I warned you -- now I'm gonna rip off your little tallywagger!" The leprechaun laughs, "You can't do that." "Why not?" asks his captor. "Because," giggles the leprechaun, "leprechauns don't have tallywaggers." "Whadda ya mean you don't have a tallywagger?" growls the angry man, "How in the hell do you pee?" "Just like this," laughs the leprechaun as he sticks out his tongue and spits.
 
Elton John and Rosie O' Donnell have sex ...that is all. The punchline is that my podcasting partner is their lovechild:

Exhibit A
RobEJ.jpg
 
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
 
Spoiled for the virgin eyes in the audience. Behold a joke in extremely poor taste:

There's a drunk guy in a bar. (NO WAY!) After having one drink too many, he waddles over to the bartender and orders a drink.

"HeY, bArKeEp... *hic* CaN I... CaN I hAvE sOmE BUM?"

The bartender snorts and says, "Bum?" Seeing how drunk the guy is, he thinks for a minute and responds, "You must mean 'rum.' I'll give you some, boy, but after that, you gotta head home. I think you've had enough."

The bartender pours a shot of rum, hands it to the drunk, and without another word, the drunk heeds the bartender's words and leaves without paying.

As the drunk stumbles around looking for his apartment, he mistakenly enters a hardware store. Looking around at the merchandise, he collects his bearings and finds a clerk.

"HeY, yOu... CaN I bUy A... *hic* CaN I bUy A fuck IT?"

Taken aback by the drunk's language, the clerk thinks for a minute and starts laughing. "You mean a 'bucket', right?" The drunk gives no response. "Here. I got a bucket right here."

The clerk pulls a bucket off the shelf and hands it to the drunk. Pleased and still extremely inebriated, the drunk stumbles out the door without paying.

Still holding his rum and bucket, the drunk wanders around a little more until he finds a pet store. The shopkeeper is in the process of closing up for the night, but the drunk forces his way in and confronts the employee.

"HeY! *hic hic* Do YoU hAvE a... *hic* a... *hic* COCK AND SPANK IT?"

The shopkeeper is at a loss for words until he successfully deciphers the drunk's lubricated tongue. "I think - I hope - you mean 'cocker spanial'. We have one left in the cage over there."

The drunk moseys over to the lonely dog's cage, knocking over two cat food displays in the process. Sensing that the situation was about to go awry, the dog came to attention as the drunk opened his cage. As the drunk reached in to extract the scared pup, the pup jumped out of the cage over the drunk's shoulder and out the front door of the store.

The drunk, shocked, walked back over to the shopkeeper.

"CaN yOu HoLd My BUM aNd fuck IT WhIlE i Go GeT mY COCK AND SPANK IT?"
 
The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately.

He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General."

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.

"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?
 
i have a plan to drop me wallet at the beginning of a marathon to see how long someone will follow me to give it back
 
A young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. He practiced every day, but knew he was still missing something that would make him the best.

One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. So the young fella went over to the old man and told him his dream.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."

"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Definitely," said the old man.

The young gunman did what he was told, then in a flash he drew his gun and shot the bow-tie off the piano player.

"Wow, that really helped! Do you have any more suggestions?"

"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"It sure will," said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told, drew his gun in a blur and shot a cuff-link off the piano player.

"These are great suggestions. Is there anything else you can share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."

The young man didn't hesitate and started putting the grease on the barrel of the gun.

"No, not just the barrel, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man.

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"No," said the old man, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano, he's gonna to shove that gun right up your ass, and this way it won't hurt so much!"
 
What do garbage men eat?

Junk Food

:applause:

Unisex version:

What do people with the profession of taking garbage eat?

rmtr7k.jpg
 
What's the difference between a Cadillac and a box of dead babies?











I don't have a Cadillac in my garage!

ZING
 
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap.

The psychiatrist looks him over and says, "I can clearly see your nuts."
 
Pyramid head walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"

There were no survivors.
 
There were two families who decided to go on vacation together. Their was a Polish family and Italian family. The group together decided to rent a double-decker bus and go on a road trip around America. The Italian family was on the bottom of the bus and they were having a good time dancing and eating all types of pasta. After an hour on the trip they notice that no noise is coming from the Polish family. They have the bus stop and go up to the Polish family. They see everyone clenching their seats in fright. The Italian family starts asking, "Why are you not up doing the polka and having a good time?" The Polish family says that its easy for them to have fun becuase the Italian family has a driver.
 
A Little Johnny Joke:

Little Johnny was 5 years old and was playing "Airplane" in his backyard. He'd zoom around with his arms spread wide like wings and making airplane sounds. But every once in a while, he'd stop at the porch and say: "All you muthafuckers that wanna get on, get on. All you muthafuckers that want to get off, get off."

Well Ms Smith, his neighbor on the right heard this and called Little Johnny's mom. Of course, she was indignant replying "My son doesn't use bad language". Meanwhile, Little Johnny was still in the backyard zooming around, occasionally stopping at the porch to say, "All you muthafuckers that wanna get on, get on. All you muthafuckers that want to get off, get off."

Ms. Williams, the left side neighbor, also observed Little Johnny's game and came over to tell his mom. Little Johhny's mom still didnt believe it, but this time looked out the window just to check. She was him zooming around, which he did for several minutes. Just as she was turning back to her housework, Little Johnny stopped at the porch and said: "All you muthafuckers that wanna get on, get on. All you muthafuckers that want to get off, get off."

She went ballistic! She snatched him up by the collar and gave him the beating of his life. Then she locked him in his room and told him: "You stay here till you learn how to act!"

An hour later, she went to his room. "Have you learned how to act right?" "Yes ma'am", Little Johnny replied. "Good then go outside and play". So Little Johnny returned to his game of "Airplane", but this time, his mom was watching him from the window. He zoomed all around the backyard. Finally, he paused at the porch and exclaimed:

"All you muthafuckers that wanna get on, get on. All you muthafuckers that want to get off, get off. All you muthafuckers that wanna complain about the hour delay, blame the bitch in the window!"

FIN.
 
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
 
three tampons are walking down the road. mini, maxi, and super. which one says hello first?
None because they are all stuck up
bitches
:bouncy:
 
little johnny woke up one night and was thirsty. as he was walking to the bathroom he heard strange noises coming from his mom's room. he opened the door a little bit and peeked in. he saw his mom lying on her bed completely naked, rubbing her hands all over her body moaning "i need a man...i need a man..." johnny got his drink and went back to bed.
the next night he woke up and wanted a drink. as he passed his mom's room he heard strange noises again so he peeked in. again his mom was laying naked on her bed rubbing her hands all over her body moaning "i need a man...i need a man..." johnny got his drink and went back to bed.
the next night he woke up and wanted a drink. as he passed his mom's room he heard strange noises again, so he peeked in. he saw his mom lying on her bed completely naked, but this time there was a naked man lying on top of her. johnny ran back to his bedroom, took off all his clothes, laid down in bed and started rubbing his hands all over his body moaning "i need a new bike....i need a new bike..."
 
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

===========
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

==============

A Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife,whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

PS. Sure is hot down here.
 
After Christmas Tom and Harry were at work talking about what they bought thier wives for Christmas.

Tom says "I got my wife a 3 carat diamond ring and a brand new BMW".

Harry asked "if you got her a 3 carat diamond ring then why did you get a BMW".

"So if she didn't like the ring I knew that she would like the BMW" said Tom, "well what did you get your wife?"

Harry replies "well I got her a pair of flip flops and a dildo".

Tom laughs and askes "why did you get her a dildo?"

"Well so if she didn't like the flip flops she could go screw herself"
 
A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar :
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am."
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real fucking good because I want a cheeseburger."
 
[quote name='alongx']A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar :
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am."
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real fucking good because I want a cheeseburger."[/QUOTE]

This must be where Tiger Woods went to get his hand jobs.
 
There were two muffins in an oven. One muffin looks at the other muffin and says, "Man, its hot in here!" The second muffin looks at the first muffin and says, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"

Thanks for passing on the points.
 
an old man was sitting on his porch watching the sun rise when he sees the neighbor boy walking up the road carrying something rolled up under his arm.
he says "hey boy, what you got there?"
the boy replies "it's a roll of chicken wire"
the old man asks "what are you going to do with that?"
the boy answers "catch me some chickens."
the man says "boy, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
the boy just laughs and keeps on walking.
that evening the old man is sitting on his porch watching the sun set when he sees the neighbor boy coming back down the road dragging the chicken wire behind him with about 30 chickens caught in it.

next morning the man is watching the sun rise when he sees the neighbor boy walking up the road carrying something small, round and silver in his hand.
he asks "hey boy, what you got there?"
the boy answers "duct tape"
the man asks "what you gonna do with that?"
the boy replies "catch me some ducks."
the man says "you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
the boy just laughs and keeps walking
that evening as the man is watching the sun set he sees the neighbor boy walking back down the road dragging the unrolled roll of duct tape behind him with about 30 ducks caught in it.

the next morning he sees the neighbor boy walking up the road carrying a stick with something fluffly on the end.
he asks "boy, what you got there?
the boy replies "a pussy willow."
the old man says "let me grab my hat."
 
Truck driver is driving down the road and comes upon a hippy hitchiking. He picks up the hippy and they drive for about 20 miles. The truck driver looks at the hippy and goes "Hey man, want to see something cool?" The hippy goes "Sure"

So the truck driver whistles and a monkey comes out of the back cabin and starts going down on the truck driver. The truck driver after a minute or two slaps the monkey on the back of the head wherein it runs back to the cabin in the back.

They drive for another 10 minutes or so and the driver looks over at the hippy and goes "Hey man, you wanna give it a try?" The hippy goes "Naaa, I don't like getting slapped in the back of the head that hard"
 
[quote name='LaraCroftsLeftBoob']an old man was sitting on his porch watching the sun rise when he sees the neighbor boy walking up the road carrying something rolled up under his arm.
he says "hey boy, what you got there?"
the boy replies "it's a roll of chicken wire"
the old man asks "what are you going to do with that?"
the boy answers "catch me some chickens."
the man says "boy, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
the boy just laughs and keeps on walking.
that evening the old man is sitting on his porch watching the sun set when he sees the neighbor boy coming back down the road dragging the chicken wire behind him with about 30 chickens caught in it.

next morning the man is watching the sun rise when he sees the neighbor boy walking up the road carrying something small, round and silver in his hand.
he asks "hey boy, what you got there?"
the boy answers "duct tape"
the man asks "what you gonna do with that?"
the boy replies "catch me some ducks."
the man says "you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
the boy just laughs and keeps walking
that evening as the man is watching the sun set he sees the neighbor boy walking back down the road dragging the unrolled roll of duct tape behind him with about 30 ducks caught in it.

the next morning he sees the neighbor boy walking up the road carrying a stick with something fluffly on the end.
he asks "boy, what you got there?
the boy replies "a pussy willow."
the old man says "let me grab my hat."[/QUOTE]

If this were my contest, you'd be in the lead so far. Bravo.
 
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.


The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”


The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”


There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
 
[quote name='Balthier']A couple hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“[/QUOTE]

[quote name='firecloud134']
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?" [/QUOTE]

[quote name='Blade3D']A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.


The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”


The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”


There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”[/QUOTE]

Can we please not post this joke anymore?

Yes, I realize that I'm not helping by reposting all of them. I promise to never do it again.
 
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A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Quick, pour me 12 drinks." So the bartender pours him 12 shots, and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy,"Boy, you're drinking those really fast." The guy says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast, too, if you had what I've got." The bartender says, "What've you got?" The guy says, "Seventy-five cents."


​
 
Wow, a lot of good jokes I must say, if nothing else at least people could start telling these to others in their life to cheer them up a bit.

[quote name='atilary']There were two muffins in an oven. One muffin looks at the other muffin and says, "Man, its hot in here!" The second muffin looks at the first muffin and says, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"

Thanks for passing on the points.[/QUOTE]

I could've sworn I put that exact same joke in another joke thread around here.

[quote name='LaraCroftsLeftBoob']an old man was sitting on his porch watching the sun rise when he sees the neighbor boy walking up the road carrying something rolled up under his arm.
he says "hey boy, what you got there?"
the boy replies "it's a roll of chicken wire"
the old man asks "what are you going to do with that?"
the boy answers "catch me some chickens."
the man says "boy, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
the boy just laughs and keeps on walking.
that evening the old man is sitting on his porch watching the sun set when he sees the neighbor boy coming back down the road dragging the chicken wire behind him with about 30 chickens caught in it.

next morning the man is watching the sun rise when he sees the neighbor boy walking up the road carrying something small, round and silver in his hand.
he asks "hey boy, what you got there?"
the boy answers "duct tape"
the man asks "what you gonna do with that?"
the boy replies "catch me some ducks."
the man says "you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
the boy just laughs and keeps walking
that evening as the man is watching the sun set he sees the neighbor boy walking back down the road dragging the unrolled roll of duct tape behind him with about 30 ducks caught in it.

the next morning he sees the neighbor boy walking up the road carrying a stick with something fluffly on the end.
he asks "boy, what you got there?
the boy replies "a pussy willow."
the old man says "let me grab my hat."[/QUOTE]

And I do love this one, I tell it all the time and completely forget the first animal item and if I hadn't already had it in my repertoire then I'd give the points to you.

[quote name='nycmetsfan']A leprechaun walks into a bar. After several pitchers of beer, the leprechaun runs over to a large, mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits on his legs. The guy reaches out to grab the leprechaun, only to miss him as he jumps back to his seat."If you know what's good for you, don't come near me again, or I'll rip off your little tallywagger," yells the mean-looking guy.After a few more pitchers, the leprechaun runs over to the mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all over his legs again. This time, the guy successfully catches the leprechaun."All right, I've got you this time. I warned you -- now I'm gonna rip off your little tallywagger!" The leprechaun laughs, "You can't do that." "Why not?" asks his captor. "Because," giggles the leprechaun, "leprechauns don't have tallywaggers." "Whadda ya mean you don't have a tallywagger?" growls the angry man, "How in the hell do you pee?" "Just like this," laughs the leprechaun as he sticks out his tongue and spits.[/QUOTE]


This is definitely the one I choose, Not too long, not too short, great punchline that you can't see from a mile away, and just dirty enough to tell everyone without offending people. Contest over folks, good luck in life.
 
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