Contest closed. Thanks for the jokes.

gargus

gargus

Banned
I have a code that expires next week for a free download of super mario bros on the wii shop channel.

Rules are simple, tell me a joke and first person to make me laugh gets the code sent to them via PM on here. Ill warn you, I am a tough customer and am not made to laugh easily.

And please if your not going to actually use the code for yourself and play the game done enter. I want it to go to someone who will get some enjoyment out of it.

Perhaps one day Ill have better things to give out instead of these cheap things Ive been doing.
 
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Pyramid Head walks into a bar and the Bartender says, "Why the long face?"

There were no survivors.
 
Why did the seagull fly over the sea?

Because if it flew over the bay it would be a bay-gull!

(bagel, get it?? huh? hahahaha-ha-ha-snort-oh-haha)
 
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
 
person 2:knock knock
person 1:whos there?
person 2:your mother
person 1:your mother who?
person 2:you don't even know your own mother!? *slaps person 1*
 
A Pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel in his pants. Bartender looks at him and asks "Why is there a ship's wheel in your pants?"

Pirate responds. "Arr, it be drivin me nuts"
 
[quote name='austenwithane']It's a little irrelevant now since he died but...

What does Michael Jackson & RedBull have in common?

They both come in small cans!
[/QUOTE]

I have a MJ joke for you!!!

What did the Mom say to Michael Jackson at the beach?

Can you please get off my sun!!!
 
[quote name='skiizim']I have a MJ joke for you!!!

What did the Mom say to Michael Jackson at the beach?

Can you please get off my sun!!!
[/QUOTE]


It's not
Off of my sun
its
OUT of my sun
 
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A blonde goes to the cleaners to drop off her shirt.
When she does, the lady at the cleaners says "Come Again"
The blonde then says "Nope, it's toothpaste this time"
 
I'll give it a shot, if it's still up for grabs.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.


‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”


I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.


“And what do you deduce from that?”


Watson ponders for a minute.


“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.


“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”


Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
 
Winner has been chosen.

pacifickarma wins. Thanks for laugh.


Oh and the pirate one made me laugh to, the science joke just got in there first.
 
None of them really made me laugh except this one:

[quote name='Tarantox']A blonde goes to the cleaners to drop off her shirt.
When she does, the lady at the cleaners says "Come Again"
The blonde then says "Nope, it's toothpaste this time"[/QUOTE]
 
I heard a good one on NPR last week:

How many assistant managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Let me get back to you on that...

Re: the winning joke, I like this version better (heard on Car Talk a little while back)

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Two atoms are walking down the street and one bumps into the other.
The first atom asks, "Are you okay?"
The second atom says "Yeah, but I think I lost an electron."
The first atom replies, "Are you sure?"
The second atom exclaims, "Yes, I'm positive!"

While searching on the web for the pre-typed good version, found this:
What do you call a vegan with an upset stomach?
A salad shooter.
 [/FONT]
 
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