controling relationships

evilmax, youre being totally unreasonable and distorting statements to extremes.

final verdict: dump him, hes too controlling.
 
[quote name='xzafixz']If you ever plan on getting married more than 10% compromise will be needed for a marriage that doesn't end in divorce.[/QUOTE]

Ha! WRONG. I've been married for 6 awesome years to the coolest girl in the world. It is funny to get advice on what makes a marriage work from someone who isn't married. It's not like it was easy finding the right person and I had my share of controlling girlfriends (i.e angry bitches) but each relationship made me realize what I wanted more and more until I found Ms. Right. Sure there have been some things I've had to compromise on but I'd say 90% of the time we are totally on the same page and moving in the same direction rather than butting heads. You should try it sometime - I promise it's way better than this 50/50 bullshit. :D
 
[quote name='xzafixz']But this was also blown way out of proportion, things are said when people are mad that isn't true, or wasn't meant in the way it comes out to seem. You seem reasonable enough to understand that. This whole thing was blown so out of proportion.[/QUOTE]
I had a feeling this was the case. As I said things would be better discussed in person with a neutral 3rd-party so things are talked about rationally and not blown-up to the proportion it already has gotten.
 
no no i wont break up with him. For all the times we fight, there is still more love there to patch it up. i just wanted to see that if he was acting too extreme and if i could justify it at all. this has helped but i wont break up with him becuase i know how to work at relationships and something as silly as this is not worth losing 4 years over
 
it is common for girls and guys to test one another, usually early on in a relationship, often without even realizing it. A part of you wants to know how/if the other person will react. After 4 years, it seems this threatening on both your parts may be a frustration of something larger, or it culd just be how your relationship has developed. Sometimes people get angry for little to no reason, you posting on here is just venting. On the flipside, your epxosing something private and personal in a public space with almost complete strangers. That could be upsetting, it could also be no big deal. Is it controlling to forbid someone from doing something? There is no clear answer, especially since he probably does not see it as controlling. Maybe he sees it as protecting, or more likely your spoking/tattoo/dying hair would be an attack on him. It makes no sense, but on the other hand, does make sense.
At the end of the day, these are not terribly large or destructive issues unless they are standing in place of other things that are more bothersome. But because in many ways they are so seemingly insignificant and it is very easy in any relationship to attach more value to something than it deserves, that baggage can be a prolonged problem that avoids a solution. The only thing you can do is talk things through, and hopefully you will realize what is really upsetting, and what is just a smokescreen, or button you can push to incite the other.
 
fuck y'all.

My wife and I fight over whose turn it is to go TO the tattoo parlor!

What, are you gonna look like Racquel Welch when you're older? Of course not, you're going to be ugly and old like the rest of us, so go get some ink.

Keep in mind that, if it is a dolphin, he should break up with you. ;)

IKIK
 
[quote name='charcoalfeather']no no i wont break up with him. For all the times we fight, there is still more love there to patch it up. i just wanted to see that if he was acting too extreme and if i could justify it at all. this has helped but i wont break up with him becuase i know how to work at relationships and something as silly as this is not worth losing 4 years over[/QUOTE]
Even I at times I complain. I mean I think my friends in the OTT all remember me ranting about my fiancee not getting me the food I wanted at the grocery store. Sometimes you do need to discuss things and it's good to get other opinions, but now is a time to reconcile and learn from each other. You've been with him for 4 years, you could be feeling like you are not separate from him. You seem to be trying to assert yourself as an individual and this happens in long-term relationships. Usually the cure for this is a little break. If you don't want to do that, talk to him about it.
 
it is for the mere fact that i can not that i will. My relationship with my boyfriend is very controlling on both sides but sometimes we both get caught up into it and this can hurt the relationship a lot like it did today.

We both love eachother very much and that is why we try to control because we dont want to see the other person hurt or whatever the case may be.

No matter what i love him and sometimes i want to be able to be an indivdual but i also want to be in a relationship. i believe there is a nice middle ground but i guess we are just not there yet.

Thanks Angelliclulu for the help.
 
[quote name='charcoalfeather']I really wanted to get a tattoo but my boyfriend said he would break up with me if i did and we have been dating for almost 4 years now. He also said he would break up with me if i started smoking or dye my hair. Is this reasonable or not??[/QUOTE]
I can understand why he doesn't want you smoking and maybe the tattoo if it's uber large. Whatever though, it's your life you choose.
 
[quote name='evilmax17']A relationship is (or should be) 50-50, all the way down the line. You shouldn't be able to do whatever you want, and neither should he. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to not want you getting a tattoo, and if a tattoo is more important to you than him, then the relationship is already over.

It sounds like you've been together for too long, but if you want to stay together, work out some compromises.[/QUOTE]

Actually, a relationship should be 100-100 all of the time.

If you are all giving 50-50, what happens when one of you slip? Then you get 40-50 and that's only 90, meaning you have problems. If you are giving 100-100, and one slips, you are still "meeting in the middle" or at least overlapping.

This is really just semantics, but give it some thought. It will make a difference.

TBW
 
I don't know...if you guys have been going out for 4 years but all it takes is for you to do is get a tatoo or start smoking to end it all, then that doesn't sound like a very strong relationship.
 
[quote name='charcoalfeather']it is for the mere fact that i can not that i will. My relationship with my boyfriend is very controlling on both sides but sometimes we both get caught up into it and this can hurt the relationship a lot like it did today.

We both love eachother very much and that is why we try to control because we dont want to see the other person hurt or whatever the case may be.

No matter what i love him and sometimes i want to be able to be an indivdual but i also want to be in a relationship. i believe there is a nice middle ground but i guess we are just not there yet.

Thanks Angelliclulu for the help.[/QUOTE]

Sorry, but if you really truly loved each other, then you wouldn't feel the need to control each other. If you really truly loved each other, you would let each other try new things and be supportive as you are still young and its a big world.

Since you are 18 and 20, consider this. This relationship will likely not last. One of you will likely go to college and leave the young high school scene and grow up. This is very difficult to do together. I'm not saying dump his ass right now, but consider that the likelyhood of it lasting is small.

Also, if you are only 18 and have been with this guy since you were 14, you might do well to take some time apart. Find out what you are missing, and then, if its still right later on, get back together. Being in a serious relationship all this time while you are young is not healthy. Just consider the possibility.

TBW

PS Since you are a girl and in to video games, you will NEVER have to look to far for a guy. There are plenty of guys who would be really into you.

PPS I agree with you on the tattoo and hair dye, but smoking sucks. At that age, I would probably have dumped you too, if you started smoking. I have no interest in kissing an ashtray.
 
[quote name='Scahom1']I don't know...if you guys have been going out for 4 years but all it takes is for you to do is get a tatoo or start smoking to end it all, then that doesn't sound like a very strong relationship.[/QUOTE]

like the bf said, he didn't exactly say/mean it that way at the time. gfs have a tendency to make things sound worse than they are, i would get mad at my gf too if she made herself seem helpless and vulnerable to a crowd with alot of horny teens like this
 
I dated a girl for about 4 years all through high school. One day, out of nowhere (at the ripe old bat-shit-crazy age of 18 as well), she decided she wanted simliar things to what you've been describing. Now, I'm all for freedom of expression and what-not, but things like smoking and tattoos are the kind of things that alot of people base their interest in another on. So, I'm not surprised you got that kind of reaction from him, since some of his feelings for you were undoubtedly rooted in the fact that you weren't interested in that stuff before.

Yes, you're 18, you want to go wild and do all that shit that your parents said you couldn't. Give it a while. It'll wear off, and you'll regret any irreversible things you've done to yourself later down the line. Give it a couple of years, and if you still want to get a tattoo, go for it. But this is a bad age to decide on something so permanent if you ask me.

So, is it fair for your boyfriend to be angry? A little. Is the ball still in your court regarding the next step? Yep. So, it's your call. His feelings about this stuff aren't going to change anytime soon. Just like yourself, give him a couple of years to see that he can't try to dictate a person in that way. But you shouldn't be surprised that he's reacted in this way.
 
Meh, kids.

Sure, you have the right to make any decision you want.

And your significant other has the right to make the decision to dump you if they don't like what you're doing.

Considering who I am, this has happened many times... and I don't get angry about it. I just find someone who likes the real me.

Choose your decision wisely. Choose whatever makes you happy.
 
I mean if you aint got red lipstick and you don't have the balls to tell me, I understand, it can be what ever color you want, I was just using red as a jump off.
 
[quote name='Ugamer_X']*Foot tapping on ground repeatedly*

These pictures aren't gonna post themselves.[/QUOTE]


how about if one of you send me a digital camera then i will take all the pictures you want
 
[quote name='charcoalfeather']how about if one of you send me a digital camera then i will take all the pictures you want[/QUOTE]

If I send you the camera, you've got to drink piss, my ACTUAL piss. And I'll eat asparagus first.
 
[quote name='charcoalfeather']how about if one of you send me a digital camera then i will take all the pictures you want[/QUOTE]

Go talk to the suckers in the OTT, those kids would send you a camera in a heartbeat but you might have to pretend you like anime and shitty inidie films, but hey, in the end, free camera.
 
[quote name='charcoalfeather']..... but i do like anime and shitty indie films with the exception of elephant which is the worst movie ever created[/QUOTE]

Then quit wasting time here, get over there. NOW. Get those geeks to mail you some shit! Ask the other resident whores, they get free shit all the time!
 
[quote name='charcoalfeather'](thanks for the offer but i will have to pass)[/QUOTE]

I over sold it with one too many !'s didn't I. Meh, oh well, tomorrow is another day.
 
[quote name='JimmieMac']Go talk to the suckers in the OTT, those kids would send you a camera in a heartbeat but you might have to pretend you like anime and shitty inidie films, but hey, in the end, free camera.[/QUOTE]

Send me a free camera.
 
[quote name='kittie']Send me a free camera.[/QUOTE]

You're lost. You gotta go into the OTT and ask one of the kids.
 
My freshman year in college I dated a girl I knew from high school that started smoking during the relationship and while it wasn't my favorite thing I personally wouldn't end a relationship for just that reason. Smoking is one of those things that really bothers certain people though, so that's not such an outlandish request (plus if I learned something watching anime all these years it's that haibane shouldn't smoke).

However, that aside, I think he's being a bit too controling as to end the whole relationship (like dying hair is not that big of a deal as you can change it back fairly easily). Maybe it's a silly thought but I think setting restrictions and sending rash ultimatiums (sp?) in relationships should be left to the time when you are 30 and married or something. But if he's serious about this, you have to decide if getting something like a tatoo is really what you want or if you'd rahter have him as a boyfriend because his opinions on the subject seem pretty set.
 
[quote name='xzafixz']You have a lot to learn.[/QUOTE]

javeryh is married and has a kid. I'm guessing he knows a thing or two about relationships.
 
I can understand not wanting to live with a smoker, but not allowing you to dye your hair!? THE HELL!? The tattoo thing is silly too, it's YOUR body, not his. If it bugs him THAT much and you want to compromise with him, get it in a concealable place... girls do that ALL the time.

Not even allowed to dye your hair though... that's some serious control issues on his part.
 
You may be 18 and 20 but you're acting like you're 14 and 16....not saying that to knock you, just saying that you're getting older and have to do what you want. Either way, I don't see you together by the time you're out of college anyway so do what you want :)

Now that that's said, he could be lashing out afraid that you're changing and won't want to be with him anymore. Tattoos...drinking, dying hair, while not all bad persay, it's a definite indicator that someone is going through some personal changes, and with that emotions and personalities change. It's just life, you learn, grow up, move on, and repeat...
 
Only dealbreaker that I see here is smoking. Smoking is valid grounds for walking away from a decent relationship. I haven't hesitated to do it in the past and I shall do so in the future. Same thing as doing high end drugs (I don't mind the mary jane every once in a while) such as cocaine, etc. or the refusal to work out. To me the body is a sacred temple. I treat mine with respect and it's only fair that any girl I'm with does the same. Tattoos can be removed and hair grows back so they don't bother me at all. And tattoos are overrated now away. Almost every 20something college girl I've dated has a tattoo and it's usually on the small of the back and it's usually a butterfly, a tribal tat, or chinese characters. And why do they get these tats? The most common reason is, "Oh, I want to stand out as an individual and show that I'm not just another typical girl." Sigh. When that happens, I don't say a WORD because she is IN FACT like every other girl. :roll:

If you really wanna piss your boyfriend and be your own person, very few ppl do scarification. These guys brand themselves using scalpels and/or burning tools. Much more permanent than tattoos. But, OTOH, your boyfriend does seem controlling if he can't handle a tat or dyed hair. It's fucking 2005 biatchez! Get over it! :roll:
 
Your BF has every right to not want to date a tatooed, hair-dyed smoker. He has told you so. He fell in love with an unmarked, natural non-smoker. If you do these things, he can dump you without hesitation or guilt. He told you the consequences beforehand. Were it to happen afterwards and out of the blue, you could be justifiably upset. If you really want to do these things, and it bothers you that he is trying to stop you, dump him first.
 
[quote name='adamsappel']Your BF has every right to not want to date a tatooed, hair-dyed smoker. He has told you so. He fell in love with an unmarked, natural non-smoker. If you do these things, he can dump you without hesitation or guilt. He told you the consequences beforehand. Were it to happen afterwards and out of the blue, you could be justifiably upset. If you really want to do these things, and it bothers you that he is trying to stop you, dump him first.[/QUOTE]

Yeah, that's somewhat true, everyone has certain likes and dislikes, and if he doesn't like tattooed women that's his choice...true it may be viewed as superficial, but hey, there's things that I don't like either, I tend not to like blonde women, and if my girl dyed her hair blonde, I may not dumb her, but I sure wouldn't be happy.
 
Tattoos look bad on women... for numerous reasons, really.

Probably the biggest factor is that women have terrible taste. In other words, they would select a very shitty tattoo off of the pre-drawn Greeting Card clip-art gallery wall of either a butterfly, a pixie, Warner Bros.' Tweety or a pixie Tweety with butterfly wings.

Also, tattoos on the small of a girl's back is trite and is getting lamer and lamer as I see it more and more. And let's keep in mind, my tastes are supreme and my opinions are actually considered fact by many scholars.

If my girlfriend got a shitty tattoo, I'd give her a tattoo of my hand in grip form around her arm.

However, I like tattoos on a girl's ankle. A little one or one that wraps around the ankle. They often taint whatever part is tattooed (like breasts or ass), so watch where you get it.



... by the way, that was my alter-ego talking.

Don't coincide this with some type of relationship control or a bizarre women's liberation or something equally as petty. If he has expressed that he doesn't want you to have a tattoo, then adhere to that request -- a relationship is a compromise, afterall... stop thinking about yourself. I'm sure if he said he was planning on dating another man and/or living the life of a pirate, you'd disapprove. In the end, if you were to get a tattoo without telling him (and you shouldn't do so), he's still love you... assuming he's not a cool-ass frat boy or something to that affect, of course.

If you really want to do some bra-burning liberation, I suggest this tattoo:

_38844173_tyson203.jpg


He'll love you for eternity.
 
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