Essay HELP! :(

janglypangly

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Hello people. I am facing a crisis in my English class. I need to get the next few essays perfect, starting with this one, to get a B in the class. If you want to help me, please read and make any necessary corrections, or even re word things if you feel they are necessary to make it better. Also, help on creating a conclusion would be great as well. The topic is Jean Kilbournes video "Still Killing Us Softly" and her article "Two Ways to Hurt a Woman." Thanks in advance people :).

Gender Role in the Media
In Jean Kilbourne’s article “Two Ways a Woman Can Get Hurt,” and the film Still Killing Us Softly, she argues that advertising portrays women as sexual objects or seductresses, and men as emotionally detached, physically aggressive and dominating individuals. This can be seen in the thesis to her article:

“Sex in advertising is pornographic because it dehumanizes and objectifies people, especially women, and because it fetishizes products, imbues them with an erotic charge- which dooms us to disappointment since products never can fulfill our sexual desires or meet our emotional needs.”

In my own words, I believe Kilbournes claim is that the media and more specifically, advertising, degrades our society with goals we can never attain and ultimately leads to many people going to the extreme with their bodies. It also leads men to believe they can do whatever they please with women, as they are defenseless and at their mercy, with many women also led to believe it. I believe that advertisements tend to degrade our views on women, lead men to believe they must be stereotypically blue, which can ultimately lead to violence against women.

Since the inception of our country, women have been viewed as lower class in contrast to men. Blue is masculine, pink is feminine. “Body postures and demeanors which communicate subordinate status and vulnerability to trespass through a message of “no threat” make people appear to be feminine” (Devor). Masculinity, or blue, is seen as large and overpowering. Femininity, or pink, is more enclosed and submissive. Even the way you move your hands and your facial expression have an impact on which box you are in, “while people who make frequent appeasement gestures, such as smiling, also give the appearance of femininity.” (Devor) Men are to wear loose fitting and expansive clothes with minimal skin showing, while women are to wear clothing that is restrictive and revealing. Proof of this can be seen in an ad for a videogame in Game Informer. (Issue 151) The ad is for World Poker Tour, and depicts players around a poker table, with the men as blue with their baggy clothes on, and the women as pink with their skin tight and revealing clothing. One of the ladies in the ad is the obvious main attraction. Her dress is so tight you can see the shape of her breasts, with her hair and make up done in a sexual manner. It is obvious that the women in these ads dress and present themselves as such to attract the opposite sex. You never see a sexy and muscular woman in ads, they are always thin and soft, much smaller and less muscular than your average man. These advertisements are all around this, and with men seeing them, they really start believing that they are better than women, and can do whatever they please with them.

Your stereotypical man, or the majority of men in general, tend to stick within the confines of the blue box. This means that during conversations they are loud and interrupt often, wear clothes baggy enough to give them a large freedom of movement, sit with their legs spread open and hands away from them, and do not smile or make small hand gestures. Here is an example of this, “Styles of dress which emphasize the size of upper body musculature, allow freedom of movement, and encourage an illusion of physical power and a look of easy physicality all suggest masculinity,” (Devor) and, “Body postures, speech patterns, and styles of dress which demonstrate and support the assumption of dominance and authority convey an impression of masculinity.” (Devor) Men who stray from outside the box in any way are often labeled as homosexuals. Having a great sense of style and keeping your hair and nails done nicely is feminine in our culture. “Masculinity, then, requires of its actors that they organize themselves and their society in a hierarchical manner so as to be able to explicitly quantify the achievement of success.” (Devor) An extreme example of masculinity can be found in an ad in Game Informer. (Issue 151) The ad is for The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, a highly anticipated role-playing game. The ad depicts a man fully dressed in armor, with the only skin through his helmet. He is carrying a sword, and it implies he is ready to take part in a bloody battle. Recently, men have been glorified sexually just as much as women have, but they don’t face similar consequences. “The most important difference is that there is no danger for most men, whereas objectified women are always at risk” (Kilbourne) Objectifying women in our media has an adverse affect on our culture.

The image of women that men have in their minds, subliminally, leads them to believe they are of a higher order. As if they can get what they want, even if it takes a violent act to achieve it. “Nonetheless, the rate of sexual assault in the United States is the highest of any industrialized nation in the world.” (Kilbourne) The feeling of power and masculinity in men may sometimes lead them to be blind in respect to the woman. He may not take no for an answer, believing she is just playing games or teasing him, and go against her will. This leads to many tragedies for women in our society, here is an example: “A high-school senior in an affluent suburban school in the Boston area said she has been dragged by her arms so boys could look up her skirt and that boys have rested their heads on her chest while make lewd comments” (Kilbourne) This is very traumatizing for women, and can sometimes lead to them feeling like suicide is the only way to go. “In another school in the Boston area, a sixteen-year-old girl, who had been digitally raped by a classmate, committed suicide” (Kilbourne) This is the extreme, and it is understandable while some women may go in that direction. Male violence against women can also be found in videogames. An ad in Game Informer depicts a man bringing down his sword upon a women lightly defending herself. It seems to show how powerless she is compared to the more muscular and dominant male. Videogames are a very popular media, and its influence is felt by many males around the world. It is as if males are pushed to be dominating and controlling towards women to get whatever they want.
 
Gender Role in the Media
In Jean Kilbourne’s article “Two Ways a Woman Can Get Hurt,” and the film Still Killing Us Softly, she argues that advertising portrays women as sexual objects or seductresses, and men as emotionally detached, physically aggressive and dominating individuals. This can be seen in the thesis to her article:

“Sex in advertising is pornographic because it dehumanizes and objectifies people, especially women, and because it fetishizes products, imbues them with an erotic charge- which dooms us to disappointment since products never can fulfill our sexual desires or meet our emotional needs.”

I believe Kilbournes claim is that the media, specifically advertising, degrades our society with goals we can never attain and ultimately leads to many people going to the extreme with their bodies. It also leads men to believe they can do whatever they please with women, as they are defenseless and at their mercy, which many women are also led to believe. Advertisements tend to degrade our views on women, lead men to believe they must be stereotypically blue, which can ultimately lead to violence against women.

Since the inception of our country, women have been viewed as lower class in contrast to men. Blue is masculine, pink is feminine. “Body postures and demeanors which communicate subordinate status and vulnerability to trespass through a message of “no threat” make people appear to be feminine” (Devor). Masculinity, or blue, is seen as large and overpowering. Femininity, or pink, is more enclosed and submissive. Even the way you move your hands and your facial expression have an impact on which box you are in, “while people who make frequent appeasement gestures, such as smiling, also give the appearance of femininity.” (Devor) Men are to wear loose fitting and expansive clothes with minimal skin showing, while women are to wear clothing that is restrictive and revealing. Proof of this can be seen in an ad for a videogame in Game Informer. (Issue 151) The ad is for World Poker Tour, and depicts players around a poker table, with the men as blue with their baggy clothes on, and the women as pink with their skin tight and revealing clothing. One of the ladies in the ad is the obvious main attraction. Her dress is so tight you can see the shape of her breasts, with her hair and make up done in a seductive manner. It is obvious that the women in these ads dress and present themselves as such to attract the opposite sex. You never see a muscular woman in ads, they are always thin and soft, much smaller and less muscular than your average man. These advertisements are all based around this, and with men seeing them, they really start believing that they are better than women and can do whatever they please with them.

Your stereotypical male, or the majority of men in general, tend to stick within the confines of the blue box. This means that during conversations they are loud and interrupt often, wear clothes baggy enough to give them a large freedom of movement, sit with their legs spread open and hands away from them, and do not smile or make small hand gestures. Here is an example of this, “Styles of dress which emphasize the size of upper body musculature, allow freedom of movement, and encourage an illusion of physical power and a look of easy physicality all suggest masculinity,” (Devor) and, “Body postures, speech patterns, and styles of dress which demonstrate and support the assumption of dominance and authority convey an impression of masculinity.” (Devor) Men who stray from outside the box in any way are often labeled as homosexuals. Having a great sense of style and keeping your hair and nails done nicely is feminine in our culture. “Masculinity, then, requires of its actors that they organize themselves and their society in a hierarchical manner so as to be able to explicitly quantify the achievement of success.” (Devor) An extreme example of masculinity can be found in an ad in Game Informer. (Issue 151) The ad is for The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, a highly anticipated role-playing game. The ad depicts a man fully dressed in armor, with the only skin through his helmet. He is carrying a sword, and it implies he is ready to take part in a bloody battle. Recently, men have been glorified sexually just as much as women have, but they don’t face similar consequences. “The most important difference is that there is no danger for most men, whereas objectified women are always at risk” (Kilbourne) Objectifying women in our media has an adverse affect on our culture.

The image of women that men have in their minds that leads them to believe they are of a higher order, as if they can get what they want even if it takes a violent act to achieve it. “Nonetheless, the rate of sexual assault in the United States is the highest of any industrialized nation in the world.” (Kilbourne) The feeling of power and masculinity in men may sometimes lead them to be blind in respect to the woman. He may not take "no" for an answer, believing she is just playing games or teasing him, and go against her will. This leads to many tragedies for women in our society, here is an example: “A high-school senior in an affluent suburban school in the Boston area said she has been dragged by her arms so boys could look up her skirt and that boys have rested their heads on her chest while make lewd comments” (Kilbourne) This is very traumatizing for women, and can sometimes lead to them feeling like suicide is the only way to go. “In another school in the Boston area, a sixteen-year-old girl, who had been digitally raped by a classmate, committed suicide” (Kilbourne) This is the extreme, and it is understandable while some women may go in that direction. Male violence against women can also be found in videogames. An ad in Game Informer depicts a man bringing down his sword upon a women lightly defending herself. It seems to show how powerless she is compared to the more muscular and dominant male. Videogames are a very popular media, and its influence is felt by many males around the world. It is as if males are pushed to be dominating and controlling towards women to get whatever they want.



I've made a ton of minor changes. The essay is very good. A few tips: unless the essay is about the depiction of men vs. the depiction of women specifically in video games, I wouldn't use so many video game references. You can use one, but I wouldn't recommend any more than that. Try to change out the other two for a movie or television show. Also, if this is to be done in MLA format, you'll need to indent your long quotes. Let me read over it some more, and I'll try to help you with a conclusion. I'm majoring in English, so I kind of enjoy this sort of thing.
 
Its English 10LS, basically all I need for the nursing program. I have no idea how I placed high enough for this lol. THANK YOU SO MUCH btw1217 you are helping a bunch :)!
 
Here's a conclusion I wrote up quickly. It's probably the best I can do without actually having researched the topic. If you want to use it, or base your conclusion off of it, feel free to use it verbatim or revise it in any way you'd like. If you change it around and would like me to proofread it for grammar and substance, I'd be more than happy to do so.


For the most part, the representation of men and women in the media has a negative effect on society. Most men feel they are allowed more privileges than women, that they are superior, a sense of power they often abuse, and most women feel compelled to conform to that of the image of digitally enhanced supermodels. Women, particularly young women and teenage girls, set unrealistically high demands for themselves based around what they see in the media. This can lead to depression or self-loathing, or they may turn to eating disorders as a quick-fix. Though it will probably never come to fruition, the media would have a much more positive effect on the societal psyche if it had more accurate and realistic portrayals of both men and women.
 
For the conclusion, inject some of your own opinion into the paper. What you've written so far is pretty much the feminist party line. I'd be willing to bet your teacher would much appreciate some of your unique insight into the matter. For instance, can you think of any solutions to the problems you outlined?
 
Gender Role in the Media

In Jean Kilbourne’s article “Two Ways a Woman Can Get Hurt,” and the film Still Killing Us Softly, she argues that advertising portrays women as sexual objects or seductresses, and men as emotionally detached, physically aggressive and dominating individuals. This can be seen in the thesis to her article:

“Sex in advertising is pornographic because it dehumanizes and objectifies people, especially women, and because it fetishizes products, imbues them with an erotic charge- which dooms us to disappointment since products never can fulfill our sexual desires or meet our emotional needs.”

I believe Kilbournes claim is that the media, specifically advertising, degrades our society with goals we can never attain and ultimately leads to many people going to the extreme with their bodies. It also leads men to believe they can do whatever they please with women, as they are defenseless and at their mercy, which many women are also led to believe. Advertisements tend to degrade our views on women, lead men to believe they must be stereotypically blue, which can ultimately lead to violence against women.

Since the inception of our country, women have been viewed as lower class in contrast to men. Blue is masculine, pink is feminine. “Body postures and demeanors which communicate subordinate status and vulnerability to trespass through a message of “no threat” make people appear to be feminine” (Devor). Masculinity, or blue, is seen as large and overpowering. Femininity, or pink, is more enclosed and submissive. Even the way you move your hands and your facial expression have an impact on which box you are in, “while people who make frequent appeasement gestures, such as smiling, also give the appearance of femininity.” (Devor) Men are to wear loose fitting and expansive clothes with minimal skin showing, while women are to wear clothing that is restrictive and revealing. Proof of this can be seen in an ad for a videogame in Game Informer. (Issue 151) The ad is for World Poker Tour, and depicts players around a poker table, with the men as blue with their baggy clothes on, and the women as pink with their skin tight and revealing clothing. One of the ladies in the ad is the obvious main attraction. Her dress is so tight you can see the shape of her breasts, with her hair and make up done in a seductive manner. It is obvious that the women in these ads dress and present themselves as such to attract the opposite sex. You never see a muscular woman in ads, they are always thin and soft, much smaller and less muscular than your average man. These advertisements are all based around this, and with men seeing them, they really start believing that they are better than women and can do whatever they please with them.

Your stereotypical male, or the majority of men in general, tend to stick within the confines of the blue box. This means that during conversations they are loud and interrupt often, wear clothes baggy enough to give them a large freedom of movement, sit with their legs spread open and hands away from them, and do not smile or make small hand gestures. Here is an example of this, “Styles of dress which emphasize the size of upper body musculature, allow freedom of movement, and encourage an illusion of physical power and a look of easy physicality all suggest masculinity,” (Devor) and, “Body postures, speech patterns, and styles of dress which demonstrate and support the assumption of dominance and authority convey an impression of masculinity.” (Devor) Men who stray from outside the box in any way are often labeled as homosexuals. Having a great sense of style and keeping your hair and nails done nicely is feminine in our culture. “Masculinity, then, requires of its actors that they organize themselves and their society in a hierarchical manner so as to be able to explicitly quantify the achievement of success.” (Devor) An extreme example of masculinity can be found in an ad in Game Informer. (Issue 151) The ad is for The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, a highly anticipated role-playing game. The ad depicts a man fully dressed in armor, with the only skin through his helmet. He is carrying a sword, and it implies he is ready to take part in a bloody battle. Recently, men have been glorified sexually just as much as women have, but they don’t face similar consequences. “The most important difference is that there is no danger for most men, whereas objectified women are always at risk” (Kilbourne) Objectifying women in our media has an adverse affect on our culture.

The image of women that men have in their minds that leads them to believe they are of a higher order, as if they can get what they want even if it takes a violent act to achieve it. “Nonetheless, the rate of sexual assault in the United States is the highest of any industrialized nation in the world.” (Kilbourne) The feeling of power and masculinity in men may sometimes lead them to be blind in respect to the woman. He may not take "no" for an answer, believing she is just playing games or teasing him, and go against her will. This leads to many tragedies for women in our society, here is an example: “A high-school senior in an affluent suburban school in the Boston area said she has been dragged by her arms so boys could look up her skirt and that boys have rested their heads on her chest while make lewd comments” (Kilbourne) This is very traumatizing for women, and can sometimes lead to them feeling like suicide is the only way to go. “In another school in the Boston area, a sixteen-year-old girl, who had been digitally raped by a classmate, committed suicide” (Kilbourne) This is the extreme, and it is understandable while some women may go in that direction. Male violence against women can also be found in videogames. An ad in Game Informer depicts a man bringing down his sword upon a women lightly defending herself. It seems to show how powerless she is compared to the more muscular and dominant male. Videogames are a very popular media, and its influence is felt by many males around the world.

For the most part, the representation of men and women in the media has a negative effect on society. Most men feel they are allowed more privileges than women, that they are superior, a sense of power they often abuse, and most women feel compelled to conform to that of the image of digitally enhanced supermodels. Women, particularly young women and teenage girls, set unrealistically high demands for themselves based around what they see in the media. This can lead to depression or self-loathing, or they may turn to eating disorders as a quick-fix. Though it will probably never come to fruition, the media would have a much more positive effect on the societal psyche if it had more accurate and realistic portrayals of both men and women.


Okay, I compiled both of my posts together to form the completed essay (minus formatting, indention, etc.) I also omitted a sentence to avoid excessive repetition.
 
1.) I generally start my essays off with a narrative. This acts to pull the reader in and make for a more interesting experience. Also, doing this lengthens your paper >_>




2.) Check all your sentences that start with "It", I forget the exact rule that this corresponds with, but I think it has to do with unnecessary space fillers that add nothing to the paper. One learns this technique when a professor calls for a minimum page requirement. There are better ways of rewording those sentences. Also, sentences that start "there are" or "there __" etc are weak as well.




3.) You seem to cite sources quite often based upon my quick scan of your paper. As I have not completely read through it, though I may fairly soon here being as I am really bored, it appears as if you are making a mistake that many individuals have made myself included. By using sources too extensively you dilute your own opinion, according to my professor research should be used only to aid in your efforts to prove your opinion. You should not form your opinion around research or even research before beginning your paper.




3.)
In Jean Kilbourne’s article “Two Ways a Woman Can Get Hurt,” and the film Still Killing Us Softly, she argues that advertising portrays women as sexual objects or seductresses, and men as emotionally detached, physically aggressive and dominating individuals. This can be seen in the thesis to her article:




“Sex in advertising is pornographic because it dehumanizes and objectifies people, especially women, and because it fetishizes products, imbues them with an erotic charge- which dooms us to disappointment since products never can fulfill our sexual desires or meet our emotional needs.”




If you change anything in your paper, please change the beginning. Even if you choose not to start with some sort of hypothetical narrative or perhaps even a narrative of someone affected by sex in advertising, the beginning should be rephrased so as not to sound cliched.




Beer; indescribably refreshing, unfathomably relaxing, and capable of making even the most platitudinous of parties into a raging festival of merriment. To drive this message home a scantily clad woman prances across the screen and begins to dance as erotically as the Federal Trade Commission permits. One may find oneself asking “what on earth does a half naked woman have to do with selling beer?” That very question was bouncing around the head of Jean Kilbourn when she began composing her article “Two Ways a Woman Can get Hurt” and further elaborated upon in her film “Still Killing us Softly”. Jean Kilbourn contends that company's advertisements portray women as mere objects that can be used to satisfy the carnal appetite's of men. Not only do companies demean women in their advertising, they also portray men as emotionally detached, physically aggressive, dominating barbarians. The strength of her argument can be seen in many places throughout her article, but her thesis statement in particular catches one's eye:




“Sex in advertising is pornographic because it dehumanizes and objectifies people, especially women, and because it fetishizes products, imbues them with an erotic charge- which dooms us to disappointment since products never can fulfill our sexual desires or meet our emotional needs.”
 
For the most part, the representation of men and women in the media has a negative effect on society. Most men feel they are allowed more privileges than women, that they are superior; a sense of power they often abuse and most women feel compelled to conform to that of the image of digitally enhanced supermodels. Women, particularly young women and teenage girls, set unrealistically high demands for themselves based around what they see in the media. This can lead to depression or self-loathing or they may turn to eating disorders as a quick-fix. Though it will probably never come to fruition, the media would have a much more positive effect on the societal psyche if it had more accurate and realistic portrayals of both men and women.


The conclusion presented by a fellow poster, overal, is fairly weak. However, I did manage to fix what seemed to be some a bit what my Writer's Harbrace book deems "comma confusion". This too may not be correct, but as it was it surely was not correct.
 
[quote name='Jacko1'] For the most part, the representation of men and women in the media has a negative effect on society. Most men feel they are allowed more privileges than women, that they are superior; a sense of power they often abuse and most women feel compelled to conform to that of the image of digitally enhanced supermodels. Women, particularly young women and teenage girls, set unrealistically high demands for themselves based around what they see in the media. This can lead to depression or self-loathing or they may turn to eating disorders as a quick-fix. Though it will probably never come to fruition, the media would have a much more positive effect on the societal psyche if it had more accurate and realistic portrayals of both men and women.


The conclusion presented by a fellow poster, overal, is fairly weak. However, I did manage to fix what seemed to be some a bit what my Writer's Harbrace book deems "comma confusion". This too may not be correct, but as it was it surely was not correct.[/QUOTE]

Hmm. That semi-colon cuts the thought in half. It turns the second half into an incomplete thought. It was correct before.

Not sure what's so weak about it.
 
you have commas that are not needed like in front of the "and" and "or". Your paragraph was incorrect and mine may be as well. Mine, however, is more correct.
 
[quote name='Jacko1']you have commas that are not needed like in front of the "and" and "or". Your paragraph was incorrect and mine may be as well. Mine, however, is more correct.[/QUOTE]

0_o I'm not seeing any unnecessary commas. Feel free to point them out.


+++EDIT+++
Ohhh, I see what you did now. Apparantly you didn't know that you must use a comma before a conjunction when connecting two independent clauses.

Look it up in your little handbook; It's there.
 
here is the correct paragraph:

For the most part, the representation of men and women in the media has a negative effect on society. Most men feel as if they are allowed more privileges than women and that they are superior; a sense of power they often abuse. Also, most women feel compelled to conform to the images of digitally enhanced supermodels. Women, particularly young women and teenage girls, set unrealistically high demands for themselves based around what they see in the media. This can lead to depression and self-loathing, which may cause them to turn to eating disorders as a quick-fix. Though it will probably never come to fruition, the media would have a much more positive effect on the societal psyche if it had more accurate and realistic portrayals of both men and women.
 
also, I find it rather condescending when you say "your little handbook" but that may just be a misinterpretation on my part
 
[quote name='Jacko1']here is the correct paragraph:

For the most part, the representation of men and women in the media has a negative effect on society. Most men feel as if they are allowed more privileges than women and that they are superior; a sense of power they often abuse. Also, most women feel compelled to conform to the images of digitally enhanced supermodels. Women, particularly young women and teenage girls, set unrealistically high demands for themselves based around what they see in the media. This can lead to depression and self-loathing, which may cause them to turn to eating disorders as a quick-fix. Though it will probably never come to fruition, the media would have a much more positive effect on the societal psyche if it had more accurate and realistic portrayals of both men and women.[/QUOTE]

It was correct before, this is just a slightly altered version. Basically, all you did was avoid the conjunctions probably because you were unsure of what to do with them. Also, in the sentence I bolded, you changed the thought I was trying to portray. The way you worded it linked the eating disorder with the depression and self-loathing. I wanted the two possibilities to be seperate.
 
[quote name='Jacko1']also, I find it rather condescending when you say "your little handbook" but that may just be a misinterpretation on my part[/QUOTE]

Just as I felt it insulting that you referred to my conclusion, which was written with no research of the topic, as "fairly weak."

You then attempted to disprove middle-school grammar by suggesting that my commas were unneccessary.
 
"[T]ried to disprove middle-school grammar"?

Also, I was not saying that your revisions made it weak. I was simply saying that one could conclude the paper better than that.

Oh...and my final correction of the paragraph is the most correct, but it's his grade so I guess if he wants to get an A- he can go with yours.
 
[quote name='janglypangly']Wait guys what should I use? LoL thanks guys you are helping me so much :)![/QUOTE]

Well, you're getting two different views. You can pick which one you'd rather use. I won't say that mine is better or that his is worse. It's a matter of opinion, I suppose.
 
[quote name='Jacko1']"disprove middle-school grammar"

Also, I was not saying that your revisions made it weak. I was simply saying that one could conclude the paper better than that.

Oh...and my final correction of the paragraph is the most correct, but it's his grade so I guess if he wants to get an A- he can go with yours.[/QUOTE]

One could, perhaps one who wrote a paper about it. If you'd like to formulate your own conclusion, you're more than welcome.

I just don't understand how something that is 100% correct, and even more professional, can be corrected even further. Perhaps I have more to learn. I know I suck at Math, but I thought I had my percents down.
 
[quote name='Jacko1']"[T]ried to disprove middle-school grammar"?

Also, I was not saying that your revisions made it weak. I was simply saying that one could conclude the paper better than that.

Oh...and my final correction of the paragraph is the most correct, but it's his grade so I guess if he wants to get an A- he can go with yours.[/QUOTE]


In any case OP, I guess we both agree that you'll get an A. =)
 
That paragraph is hardly "professional", I would not say that it's bad but it could be better. Your grammar in the opening sentence of your response is so horrific that I am having trouble understanding your meaning. May I ask for a clarification sir/ma'am?

Yes, we have accomplished what we have set out to do so in that regards we are successful.
 
[quote name='Jacko1']That paragraph is hardly "professional", I would not say that it's bad but it could be better. Your grammar in the opening sentence of your response is so horrific that I am having trouble understanding your meaning. May I ask for a clarification sir/ma'am?

Yes, we have accomplished what we have set out to do so in that regards we are successful.[/QUOTE]

It was in response to "one could conclude the paper better than that."

I don't feel like I have to use flawless grammar all the time. It gets old sometimes. I like to throw in the occasional "One could, one that wrote a paper about it" or "lol" or maybe even a "lmao."
 
Indeed, it is fine to do that online being as the point is to goof off and whatnot. However, most of the time when people use 1337 speak others are able to interpret the meaning. I am just not able to grasp any sort of meaning out of that...sentence.
 
[quote name='Jacko1']Indeed, it is fine to do that online being as the point is to goof off and whatnot. However, most of the time when people use 1337 speak others are able to interpret the meaning. I am just not able to grasp any sort of meaning out of that...sentence.[/QUOTE]

It's okay. One day you will. J/k, I'm not that mean.

I was just saying that one could write a better conclusion. I, by no means, consider myself the greatest person to have ever graced pen and paper (or in this case, keyboard). I simply thought that perhaps one who wrote an entire essay on it would be better suited to do so. For what I was given to work with, it's a good conclusion. It's not easy to just look at someone else's essay and write a conclusion for it. I have done no research on the topic. And had I written the essay, I would have been more knowledgeable, and in already in the mindset of what I wanted to write about in the conclusion. That's all.
 
Would it make it easier if I posted the actual directions for the paper? Just a thought, but my god you guys are so good at this. Thank you very much for your help thus far :).
 
[quote name='janglypangly']Would it make it easier if I posted the actual directions for the paper? Just a thought, but my god you guys are so good at this. Thank you very much for your help thus far :).[/QUOTE]

No problem, OP. I'm glad we were able to help you out. If you'd like to post the directions, that'd be fine.
 
In your essay, address Kilbourne's thesis. First, outline IN YOUR OWN WORDS Kilbourne's Claim (youa quote to support but not substitute for your own words). Second, formulate your own thesis that refutes, upholds, and/or refashions her claim. You will then support your own thesis by (1) analyzing the validity and/or invalidity of some of Kilbourne's own spport, AND (2) interpreting (doing a close reading of) other ads you have found on your own.

Please keep the following in mind:
1)Make sure to cite the sources on your ads.
2)In addition to Kilbournes essay, you must integrate into your argument at least one other essay we have read and discussed in class.
3)Avoid hasty generalizations.
4)FOllow grading rubric.
5)No less that 3 and no more than 6 pages long.

Sorry if the grammar isn't totally corract but you guys are smarter than me so I think you will understand lol. :)
 
[quote name='janglypangly']In your essay, address Kilbourne's thesis. First, outline IN YOUR OWN WORDS Kilbourne's Claim (youa quote to support but not substitute for your own words). Second, formulate your own thesis that refutes, upholds, and/or refashions her claim. You will then support your own thesis by (1) analyzing the validity and/or invalidity of some of Kilbourne's own spport, AND (2) interpreting (doing a close reading of) other ads you have found on your own.

Please keep the following in mind:
1)Make sure to cite the sources on your ads.
2)In addition to Kilbournes essay, you must integrate into your argument at least one other essay we have read and discussed in class.
3)Avoid hasty generalizations.
4)FOllow grading rubric.
5)No less that 3 and no more than 6 pages long.

Sorry if the grammar isn't totally corract but you guys are smarter than me so I think you will understand lol. :)[/QUOTE]

Everything looks okay as far as meeting those requirements. I'm not sure what the grading rubic is though. And if it's gotta be longer than 3 pages typed (single spaced), then you may need more. I'm not sure about that though.
 
before i begin, id like to say that since im just typing a response to a post on a thread on the internet, im going to use the same grammar and speech patterns i always do when i type online. im not going to "beef up" the way i type so you will have more respect for me or listen to what i say more, the way i type does NOT have anything to do with what i know about the English language.

all i have to say, is to jacko: your correction of the ending paragraph (regardless of how correct or incorrect it was to begin with) was far worse than it originally was. you added a semicolon to the paragraph which, if you knew as much about english as you say you do, you should know that by doing so you set the last half of that sentence off as an incomplete thought, sort of a fragment. that should be a big duhh. that's like a common sense rule of english. im not saying the way that btw wrote it was correct or incorrect, but yours was BLATANTLY wrong.

on top of that, you changed the wording of a thought in the paragraph and changed the entire meaning of the sentence. not that your meaning isn't correct, but what you changed it from was a thought, and what you changed it to is a thought, and you can't say by standards of the english language that either your thought or his thought is the correct one. they are opinions, of sorts.

i do not lie when i say, you are an idiot.
 
the entire conclusion was mediocre at best and by putting doubt into the topic creator's mind as to whether or not he should use it I have saved him from a shitty paper

correcting a paragraph so horribly fucked up will probably still turn out fucked up. I have accomplished that which I set out to do, to help the topic creator.
 
[quote name='Jacko1']the entire conclusion was mediocre at best and by putting doubt into the topic creator's mind as to whether or not he should use it I have saved him from a shitty paper

correcting a paragraph so horribly fucked up will probably still turn out fucked up. I have accomplished that which I set out to do, to help the topic creator.[/QUOTE]


You have yet to point out anything that is fucked up about it. You did point some things out, but they were correct to begin with (i.e. the commas you omitted). If you truly want to help the OP, since my conclusion is so fucked up, then write your own conclusion. It shouldn't be too hard since mine is mediocre at best, right?
 
[quote name='Jacko1']the entire conclusion was mediocre at best and by putting doubt into the topic creator's mind as to whether or not he should use it I have saved him from a shitty paper

correcting a paragraph so horribly fucked up will probably still turn out fucked up. I have accomplished that which I set out to do, to help the topic creator.[/QUOTE]

you haven't really done anything, broseph. you worsened the paragraph that was "mediocre at best", therefore making it "bad", therefore causing a hindrance. you can't ignore the facts that you plainly jacked up stuff in the paragraph, regardless of how good the content was. you jacked it up, end of story, and there's no way around that. take it to any english teacher, they'll tell you that the original is better written.

and if you couldn't tell, you didn't put doubt in his mind, he's too freaking excited that someone's actually helping him to be worried about how right or wrong it is.

if you want to help and think btw's paragraph is so bad, WRITE A BETTER ONE, don't revise what's been written and make it worse.

like i said, you're an idiot. i was a D student in highschool and have more common sense than you.
 
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