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Ahh what the hey? I need a subscription desperately lol.

So this man is walking through the forest to get home. He for some reason finds himself lost. So he keeps walking, and walking, and walking hoping to find his home. That is when a little leprechaun pops out of nowhere.

Leprechaun: "Hey, i'll grant ye a wish!"
Man: No thanks the man says! I don't believe in leprechauns.

So then he trys to walk away. Everytime he trys though the leprechaun pops back up in front of him. Hey i'll grant ye a wish! Hey I'll grant ye a wish. So finally the man gets fed up with it.

Man: OKAY OKAY! I'll go ahead and wish for something...

He thinks for a long long moment, and finally alright I wish for all the money in the world, and to go home.

The leprechaun then smiles at him, and says "Okay but you have to let me poke you in the butt". To which the man replys no way, and he continues trying to get away. The leprechaun keeps popping up though. GOT TO GRANT YOUR WISH, GOT TO GRANT YOUR WISH!

So finally the man just says ALRIGHT ALRIGHT TO HELL WITH IT! So he pulls down his pants, bends over, and the leprechaun starts doing him.

A few minutes pass and the man asks in clouds of pain. So when do I get my money? To which the leprechaun replys, "Do you really believe in leprechauns?"
 
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a
masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in
the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to
leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the
room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a
wee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter. The mother
tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in
tears. "Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." Again
the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16
years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay,"
says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a wee and a
bullet came out." And the boy says, "No, I was jerking off and I
shot the dog!"
 
"The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?"




"I bought an ant farm once. They didn't grow fuck . I said "How about some celery! You fuck ers don't farm, and if i pulled off you legs, you would look like snowmen."



Theres an American, French, and Japanese buisness man sitting at a table eating lunch.

Part of the way through the American pushes on his ear and starts having a conversation. When he is done, the other two look at him funny and he says my company is so advanced they installed a phone in my ear.

Then a couple minutes later, the French man pulls on his pinky and begins talking into it. When he is done he says my company is so advanced they installed a phone into my hand...

A couple of minutes later the Japanese guy runs into the bathroom and doesnt come back...After ten minutes the American and French guy decide to check on him in.Once in the bathroom they open the stall door and they see the Japanese guy sitting there with toilet paper coming out of his butt. They ask what he is doing and he says: Recieving fax, ran out of paper....
 
I doubt I'll win but I've got nothing to lose. I heard these 2 jokes the other day and thought they were pretty funny.


A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"









Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
 
I really really really need this so I can play games with my friends back in the U.S. (I'm working in China)

--- Here it goes ---

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "Okay, now what?"

--- end ---

:lol:
 
Momshootposter.jpg
 
[quote name='vpr']I really really really need this so I can play games with my friends back in the U.S. (I'm working in China)

--- Here it goes ---

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "Okay, now what?"

--- end ---

:lol:[/quote]


lol 3rd time this joke is said. I think its going to be a few more before this contest ends.
 
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
 
This is horrible......but what the hell......

How do you make a baby cry twice?

You whipe your bloody cock on its teddy bear
 
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he’d be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant…. then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife’s condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn’t you?”
“I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!”
“For the rest of her life she will require ’round the clock care. And you’ll be her care giver!”
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor laughed and said, “Just messing with you. She’s dead. What’d you shoot?”
 
Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it.

It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino.

Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace.

He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me, Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"

-------

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

-------

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

-------

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
 
[quote name='PyroGamer']Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it.

It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino.

Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace.

He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me, Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"

-------

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

-------

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

-------

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"[/quote]

I went to the same website. Didn't use their jokes though.
 
In World of Warcraft, my husband and I reached 35 with the new races quickly, and as you know, if you level fast, everyone yells at you for not having a life. One forum member put it like this:

Leveling in WoW is like driving on the highway. Anyone going slower than you is a fucking moron, and anyone going faster than you is just fucking crazy."


Anyway.
 
i present to you, the idiocy of George W. Bush:

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
 
instead of finding a joke on the internet i will post an original joke.
Whats the difference between a Mexican and a Box of Pizza?
Pizza can feed a family of four.

Whats faster then a black guy running away with your tv?
His brother running away with your vcr.

rofl :D No offense to any races just jokes, I am not racist.,
 
Ok, this joke is soooo not PC but it is awesome and it is soooo borrowed. Here we go:

OK there is a black guy, a mexican, and a white guy stranded in the desert. They find a magical lamp and all rub it and out pops the genie. The genie pops out and offers them all one wish. The black guy goes first and say, "I wish for all of my people to be free and happy and back in Africa." The genie snaps his fingers and "Poof!" all the black people are back in Africa and happy. The genie looks at the mexican guy and the mexican guy says, "I wish for all of my people to be free and happy and back in Mexico." The genie snaps his fingers and "Poof!" all the mexicans are back in Mexico. The genie then looks at the white guy and asks for his wish. The white guy says, "You mean to tell me that all the blacks and mexicans are gone." The genie nods and the white guy says, "I'll have a coke."
 
[quote name='Armans']instead of finding a joke on the internet i will post an original joke.
Whats the difference between a Mexican and a Box of Pizza?
Pizza can feed a family of four.

Whats faster then a black guy running away with your tv?
His brother running away with your vcr.

rofl :D No offense to any races just jokes, I am not racist.,[/QUOTE]

Wow, that joke's so original. It's pulsing with originality.
 
k, heres something thats not TECHNICALLY a joke, but still very funny.
I take it everyone knows who Winston Churchill was? Prime Minister of England during WWII. Iron Curtain, helped defeat Nazism? Amazing person. Also, huuuge drunkard.
After the war, a polotician's wife comes up to him, starting to give the schpeel about "what an honour it is to meet him, what great things he'd done." What does the guy do? Burp in her face.
In disgust, she says to him "Mr. Prime Minister, you're drunk!"

To which Churchill retorts
"Ma'am, you're ugly.
And in a few hours, I will no longer be drunk, but you will still be ugly."
 
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
 
Some quotes my brother told me:

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent"
"Killing for peace is like ****ing for chastity"
 
Michael J. Fox is James Bond's favorite bartender, because of Parkinson's.

Michael J. Fox can vibrate through walls, because of Parkinson's.

Every chair Michale J. Fox sits on is a massaging chair, because of Parkinson's.

Now onto some Steve Irwin jokes:

Why are pirates now hunting sting rays?
Because they lead to a dead man’s chest.

What's the only class Steve Irwin fail in high school?
How to not get killed by a stingray.

I forgot most of the good ones.
 
Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, an old man on the bench acrooss from him said, "You know young man, eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandpa lived to be 107 years old. "

The man asked, "did you grandpa eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Brooklyn Tony answered " No, but he minded his own ****ing business. "
 
3 guys, David, Jeff, and Geronimo, are about to jump out of a plane for skydiving. David is up first, so he gets his parachute ready and jumps out of the plane and yells "GERONIMOOOO!!!". Now Jeff is up. he gets his parachute ready and jumps out of the plane and yells "GERONIMOOOO!". now its geronimo's turn. he gets his parachute ready and jumps out of the plane and yells "MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"
 
Q: What's big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A: A pool table

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel around his waist. The bartender says, "So, what's with the steering wheel?" The pirate replies, "Aaargh, it's drivin' me nuts!"
 
All women contain intelligent DNA at some time in their life.....90% of them spit it out.



Why should you never buy a woman a watch?
Wft does she need a watch for, there's a clock on the stove!




.
 
What do an elephant and a grape have in common?

Answer in spoiler below.
They're both purple except the elephant!!
 
since I didn't realize the one I used is taken try this:

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2007 the penis will be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $30.00 Which one would be your tax bracket?
8 - 10" Pole Tax $25.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $15.00
4 - 5" Nuisance Tax $3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.

Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!
 
Guess ill use one my cousin told me when we were younger.


A girl in a skirt and a boy are walking to school and the boy bets her $5 she cant climb the coconut tree.
She climbs it, so the boy pays her the $5 and they go to school.

When the girl goes home she says: "Mommy! Mommy! a boy gave me $5 to climb up a tree!"
So the mom says "Now honey, dont do that again, the boy only wants to see your panties."

So the next day, the boy bets the girl in the skirt $10 she cant climb the tree again.
She climbs the tree and gets her money again, then the boy runs off with a smile on his face.

When she gets home she says: "Mommy! Mommy! A boy gave me $10 for climbing a tree!"
To which the mom says: "What did i tell you?! That boy only wants to see your panties!"
To which the girl replies: "Dont worry mommy! I knew that so i didnt wear any panties today!"
 
[quote name='wingeddragon']A guy plans to buy a house. He wonders why he is getting the house so cheap and the realtor says "Oh its supposed to be haunted, thats why it has sat empty and nobody has bought it."

The guy thinks to himself whatever and decides to move in.

The next day when he arrives at the house and approach the front door he hears a faint sound that sounds like singing. "Wonder what that could be?" the guy says.

He opens the door and the song is a bit louder. He approaches the foot of the stairs and the song is even louder. He now is bit curious and a tiny bit scared. He climbs the stairs and the song grows even louder.

He approaches the bathroom door at the end of the hall and stops in front of it. "Sounds like its coming from in here" he thinks to himself, "maybe i do have a ghost." Calming his nerves he opens the door and in the toilet he sees 8 ants sitting on a turd singing, "when the logs rolls over we all shall die."[/QUOTE]

WTF?
 
​
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
 
"The doctor told a man that masturbating before sex, often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On the way home from work, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his pant leg. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard , "This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."




i hope i win
 
A man is driving around rural Tennessee. Passing by one house, he sees a sign in the front yard: "Talking Dog For Sale." He's intrigued, parks his car, goes up to the front door and rings the bell. After asking about the dog, the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there, in the sun.

"Do you talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

Shocked, the guy recovers and asks the dog, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young pup. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my special gift. Needless to say, they were surprised and thrilled. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog could be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."


 "That's amazing!" the guy said.

! "But, the jetting around to all those countries, all those years, really tired me out. I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the local airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in to their conversations. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a pile of medals for my hard work. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is truly amazed. He goes back to the house and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The guy replied, "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
 
A bunch of people are on a bus traveling to a conference. They are all different types of engineers. Along the way, the bus breaks down and the driver pulls over to try and fix it.

Once the bus is stopped, some of the engineers get off the bus to try and help the driver repair it.

First, a mechanical engineer says, "There is definetly something wrong with the gears. I heard it when it broke down, it's the gears."

Then, a chemical engineer says, "No way, its the gas. I saw the crappy gas station that we filled up at. The gas is bad."

Then, an electrical engineer says, "Nope you are both wrong. I heard the electronics fail just before we started having problems. Its definetly the electroncis on the bus that are causing the problem."

Finally, a computer scientist gets off the bus and says, "Ok guys, I can fix this no problem.

"First, everyone get off the bus. Then, everyone get back on the bus. And then we'll try starting the bus back up and it will all work fine."






I've gotta get some originality points on that one come on.
 
A 24 hour grocery store cashier is bored out of his mind at 2:37 AM. At the moment he is lamenting his job the most, he sees the most amazingly perfect looking woman he has ever seen. She enters down his aisle and places the following in front of him. 1 toothbrush, 1 roll of toilet paper, 1 microwaveable pizza, 1 two liter diet coke and a single pint of choclate ice cream. Smiling and hoping to make small talk, the cashier ask, "Surely you aren't single, where's your boyfriend?" Infuriated, the girl says, "Jesus fucking christ!!! Yes, I am single. What could have possibly give you that idea, Sherlock?" The cashier replies with a smile, "Well, you are an ugly bitch."
 
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