How do you deal with death?

Tsel

Tsel

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I'm only 22 years old and up until recently, I've never had to deal with a death in the family other than great aunts and other relatives I wasn't very close with. This past Thursday, after battling with cancer, pneumonia, and other lung diseases, I lost one of my very best friends as my grandmother passed away.

I'm closer to my grandparents than I am my own parents so it's effected me pretty bad. Fortunately, most of her close family was able to be by her side as she passed. I had always hoped she would get better, especially since she was only 66. I never thought it would get to this point. She died with one hand on the bible and the other hand in my hand and I stayed with her until the rest of the family decided it was time to leave. I'm not religious by any means, but I was more than willing to take her bible and call it my own.

I'm an emotional guy so I spent most of Thursday crying, but I haven't really cried since. Instead, I cannot get the images of her passing away out of my head. My thoughts have been going from past memories to seeing her in the hospital bed moments before she passed. It's taking its toll on me and I was just wondering what kind of coping methods you guys have used in the past?
 
Though some might say its avoiding the situation, I like to just live and be happy with what I have. Make the most out of today because you don't know what will happen tomorrow.
 
Remember the good times together. A suggestion given to me: write a diary to her to tell her about how you feel and just daily things going on in your life.

Time is really the only true healer. Talk to others about how you feel and with your family about your favorite memories together. I'm sorry for your loss, and you will always have a place for her in your heart.
 
From a neuro-science perspective, what you are feeling is the sudden cut off of a mind you were well integrated with. Determine what is now being unfulfilled and go from there.
 
I am very sorry for your loss. I lost one of my best friends, my grandmother (Halmony - grandma in Korean), just 2 months ago. I took it extremely hard. My family did as well. She was my last living grandparent. She meant the world to me. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. It's hard. It's been tough. I didn't think I could get past her passing, but I tried focusing on the good memories and knowing that she wasn't in pain anymore. Hopefully you will find solace in the great memories you have with her. She was lucky to have you by her side in her last moments. Things will get better. It may not seem that way right now, but it will.
 
When my brother was dying I buried myself in World of Warcraft. When I was sitting at the hospital waiting on good news (that never came) I got 5 characters from 1-80
 
[quote name='Tsel']I'm an emotional guy so I spent most of Thursday crying, but I haven't really cried since. Instead, I cannot get the images of her passing away out of my head. My thoughts have been going from past memories to seeing her in the hospital bed moments before she passed. It's taking its toll on me and I was just wondering what kind of coping methods you guys have used in the past?[/QUOTE]

This sounds like a perfectly normal response to me. Give it some time and allow yourself to grieve. Don't feel guilty about doing something you enjoy to try to occupy your mind, but don't shut the thoughts out completely either. I like the earlier suggestion about keeping a diary as if you're writing it to her, although that might be too painful this soon.
 
I lost all 4 of mine over a 3 year span - it sucks. I was very close with my mom's parents. I still miss them a great deal - especially around the holidays - but we had a lot of good times together and I'm at peace with it. Whenever I think of them I feel happy and I try not to dwell on them not being around. My only advice is that time heals all wounds - it will be a little better each day.
 
Been blessed to avoid this situation for 30 years now (for the most part).

I'm not sure if I accept it quickly or I just don't think about it when it comes up unless it's someone my age or younger and then it tugs at me for a little bit and I eventually get back on with my life. Honor their memory when you can and make sure you don't leave this world with avoidable regrets.
 
Are you are student? You can get counseling from your university.

You can also find local grief support group with other people going through the same thing.
 
[quote name='62t']Are you are student? You can get counseling from your university.

You can also find local grief support group with other people going through the same thing.[/QUOTE]

Pretty much this ^

Right now you're going to have overwhelming grief as it just happened and it is still fresh in your mind. If this persists to a point that you feel it is interfering with your regular life after a while, seek out help.

Everyone will have their own ideas on what you should do or what might work or not work, including trained professionals, but talking it out with a therapist or psychologist even if just for a short amount of time might help.

If you're a student you should have access to free counseling services at your school. If you have insurance, you might have some mental health coverage you could look into.
 
I cried heavily when my grandfather was at death's door. He was completely frail and incomprehensible. It was the instant I knew we were losing him and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

It hurts like hell to remember but I carry on because it's the way he would've rolled through the hard times.
 
There is no easy way to deal with it. Talk to you parents, siblings, family, etc. In some cases you might need counseling and even medication to get through the day. I've been dealing with two sick parents the last year or so and I think at this point I've almost become numb to it. My mother on the other hand has had difficulty dealing with her own illness and my dad's. I've tried to convince her to go talk to someone, but she refuses.
 
When my brother was murdered in 2004 I pretty much drank his death away, several years later I finally got my shit together to live a normal life again.

Was a bad time in my life, but it just took some time to get better. I'll never be the same, but I am stronger for the challenges I faced.
 
[quote name='burritoman']When my brother was murdered in 2004 I pretty much drank his death away, several years later I finally got my shit together to live a normal life again.

Was a bad time in my life, but it just took some time to get better. I'll never be the same, but I am stronger for the challenges I faced.[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I think WOW was my alcohol, and I only recently stopped playing (though after a while it just became a habit that I never noticed though it had long since stopped being my outlet for my grief). I'm really sorry that you lost your brother, too, though not in the same way.
 
I use running to clear the head and to cope. I've had several good cries in the middle of running.

to me there is some solace in knowing everyone and I mean everyone will go through it at some point. It's a universal. Fortunately, the deaths I've had to deal with have been older people who

a.) generally know they've had a good ride and and thankful for it
b.) have had time to somewhat prepare for it
c.) I've had a generous amount of time to know.

She is a part of who you are, so she will live on.
 
You are fortunate enough to spend her last living moments with you, even if it feels rather sudden some people don't even have that chance and that is something you can cherish for the rest of your life. I wish when my time comes that I can only be so lucky.
 
First of all sorry for your loss and my heartfelt condolences to you. I lost my grandpa couple of years ago whom I was very close with. The cliche "it gets worse before it gets better" is true. I was overwhelmed at his passing and cried uncontrollably at his bedside thereafter. It was at least couple of days after that I even felt like my normal self.

What helped me cope was the fact I knew I was there for him until the end and had the privilege of spending time and making memories with him, memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life. Talking about the things I did with him and times I spent with him, good and the funny also helped me cope. In the moments of clarity (he had dementia) he told me to cherish the memories made and celebrate life over death. Dead have no feelings and feel no pain. The living need to live and continue the journey for the sake of those that still live and love you, including my own self. He is a part of me and as such will live on in my memories and what I pass on to the next generation.

My friend give yourself time to grieve as the wounds are still fresh. Reminiscent about her memories with your loved ones. Partake in the activities / hobbies you love, spend time with your family and friends and with time your wounds shall heal. Don't shun life out as she has lived her life to the fullest and now you need to live yours.
 
We lost my wife's father at 55 this past September to cancer as well so I know the feeling you are going through. I've dealt with it so far just by being a shoulder for my wife to cry on. I don't cry in front of her and rarely at all at this point. I'm happy for him when I really think about it. You probably don't think about it this way but you mentioned you haven't cried since THU. You're probably feeling the same relief in knowing she's escaped her suffering here on Earth. Living with cancer couldn't have been easy for her. I know in my father-in-law's case, he progressively got worse and worse so it wasn't a huge shock when it happened, but it hurt us all to lose him at only 55 years old. He was diagnosed about 3 years ago with prostate cancer and at the time of his passing, he had liver, bone and lung cancer in addition to it. You mentioned pneumonia, and other lung diseases in addition to her cancer. Try to keep those around you in a positive mindset knowing she's free from all of that and it'll help you tremendously along the way.

There are going to be triggers that will bring back the pain, and there's nothing wrong in shedding a few tears in memory. We've made it through the holidays and his birthday last month just by sitting down and talking about him while looking at some pictures. We do cry together but we're able to smile big soon after. We have Father's Day coming up so that's going to be tough but we'll do the same.

Do NOT remember your grandmother as the person on the bed during her final moments. Remember her smiling and all the fun you had together. Remember the life lessons she taught you. I am like you in the fact that we were both bedside for the passing. The absolute LAST way I'll ever picture my father-in-law going forward is the way he looked on that final day.

We are a military couple so we're all we have being so far away from home. My best advice would come from recent experience but we're not all alike. I would say just be there for others and have your positivity be an influence to your yourself and family, especially to younger siblings/cousins. I'm only a year older than you so I'm going to assume that you have young ones around you to influence.

Stay strong bud. I'm sorry for your loss and you have my condolences.
 
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