I kind of have a serious problem and need some advice. [UPDATE#2: potential scam]

Javery

Javery

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Last night I got a phone call from my cousin. He sounded really worried and nervous and he said he needed help. It turns out that two years ago he lost $50,000 gambling (illegally - think Tony Soprano) and he can't pay it back. He apparently worked out a payment plan but he is still $10,000 short and he has maxed out his credit cards and everything. He was also recently fired from his last job (but has a new one) so he hasn't had a steady stream of income and is behind on his payments. He has been recieving threats from the men that he owes the money to and yesterday when he got out of work all 4 tires on his car were slashed and he's scared.

The reason he called is obvious - he needs money. He said whatever I could spare (not the whole $10k) would be a huge help. I do not want to get involved. Period. I almost feel bad for him and in theory I would like to help but it's his own fault. I can afford a $1,000 or so (but it would still be a big deal for me or anyone). It actually scares me - at first I was inclined to help but after thinking about it the last thing I need is someone showing up at my house asking for money because word gets out I gave him some and he still can't pay. I have a family to think about and they are my top priority.

I want to tell him no but I don't know how. He knows I could help if I wanted to. What I don't understand is why he doesn't ask his parents if he is that worried - it's *only* $10,000 (assuming he is telling the truth) and they could definitely give it to him. We were really close as kids but for the last 10 years or so we only see each other at random holidays or if someone dies. Any thoughts on how to handle this? Thanksgiving is going to be awkward...
 
Tell him he needs to discuss it with his parents. If he says he doesn't want them to find out, tell him that at this point, they will find out one way or another. It is not your responsibility to help him. As you said, you have a family that is your first priority. If it was a brother, it would be another story, but he is a cousin and has parents for that.
 
It's not your responsibility. Your responsibility first is to your immediate family. You owe it to them to not get involved. Besides if it's $10,000 now (and thats probably a lie), whats it going to be a year from now? You know what happens once you break the seal...
 
[quote name='thebob101']Tell him he needs to discuss it with his parents. If he says he doesn't want them to find out, tell him that at this point, they will find out one way or another. It is not your responsibility to help him. As you said, you have a family that is your first priority. If it was a brother, it would be another story, but he is a cousin and has parents for that.[/quote]Agreed. The main reason I would never get involved with something like that is that you can't imagine this will be the last time he gambles. So if you do help him out, and he pays it off, guess where he's going to come right away next time he gets into trouble?
 
he should notify the police, even if that means being in trouble for gambling.

you're a lawyer, right? I think you already know what you need to do, and what he does.

good luck, and cheers
 
How old is this guy?

First thing that comes to me is to build a time machine and go back to tell him not to gamble. BUT, that is not really an option in today's technilogical field.

So, if he owes 10 grand giving him 1000 would not really help greatly so I would not do that if I were you. If you did that you would be involved plus you'd be down 1000 bucks. I'd say watch the movie "Push", maybe that may help his choices.
And this is his final option I'd say, go to the cops. Perhaps that may help?
 
I agree with everyone on here so far, you shouldn't assist
him in this. You would be enabling him and therefore letting
him know he has a safety net and keep on gambling and getting
bailed out. It's tough to say no to family, I've been in your situation
before and feel for you but you've got to stand your ground.
 
it's up to you. i'm gonna play a devil's advocate because i've been in a slightly similar situation (boyfriend and his friends owed people $90,000 each...total was around $700,000). i didn't want to get involved either but in the end, if you trust him not to get you involved, you can let him BORROW some money.
 
Wow, that is a crappy situation. Do you think he's lying and just trying to scam you out of some cash? (Maybe I've watched too many Lost episodes...)

I think your gut call to not give him the money is the right move. He made this mess, don't let him drag you into it with him. However, if you do think about giving him some money I'd DEFINITELY talk it over with your wife first. You don't want a secret like this coming out later IMO. (Maybe you already have talked about it with her in which case ignore that last bit.)

I have a cousin I like, but hardly see any more. (Probably similar situation to your relationship with this guy.) If he came to me in a desperate situation like this I would probably have a hard time turning him away. Woo man, very tough spot.
 
Get a contract though if you give him money, that way you can take his ass to Judge Judy.

What was he playing when he got into so much debt, Poker?
 
I already told my wife - I would have told her anyway but she is in charge of our finances and there's no way I could give him money without her knowing. She agrees to not get involved. She's pissed he even called to ask and so am I. I actually thought he got arrested and needed a lawyer which wouldn't have been as big of a surprise as this and I would have helped him with that.

If I were to let him "borrow" the money I know I will never see it again - he said he's borrowed money from everyone he knows so I'm pretty sure I place low on the payback list. I also don't 100% believe him that it's only $10,000 and I really don't know if he's telling the truth about anything. If he can lose $50,000 to gangsters I'm pretty sure he can lie over the phone to his cousin he sees once a year. I just want nothing to do with this but I know he is going to beg and plead...
 
[quote name='javeryh']

1. I already told my wife - I would have told her anyway but she is in charge of our finances and there's no way I could give him money without her knowing. She agrees to not get involved.

2. She's pissed he even called to ask and so am I.

3. If I were to let him "borrow" the money I know I will never see it again[/QUOTE]

1. Very good.

2. Definitely agree with this.

3. No doubt on that one.
 
[quote name='javeryh']I already told my wife - I would have told her anyway but she is in charge of our finances and there's no way I could give him money without her knowing. She agrees to not get involved. She's pissed he even called to ask and so am I. I actually thought he got arrested and needed a lawyer which wouldn't have been as big of a surprise as this and I would have helped him with that.

If I were to let him "borrow" the money I know I will never see it again - he said he's borrowed money from everyone he knows so I'm pretty sure I place low on the payback list. I also don't 100% believe him that it's only $10,000 and I really don't know if he's telling the truth about anything. If he can lose $50,000 to gangsters I'm pretty sure he can lie over the phone to his cousin he sees once a year. I just want nothing to do with this but I know he is going to beg and plead...[/QUOTE]


The guy has not talked to you for a year and he calls to "borrow" money, what a scuzz. Hell no on the money thing.

Did he borrow money from other gangsters that are going to kick his ass for taking their money to pay off other gangsters and then not paying back money to them? Sounds like it.
 
[quote name='Rags']The guy has not talked to you for a year and he calls to "borrow" money, what a scuzz. Hell no on the money thing.[/quote]

True, but he kind of comes from the old school italian family is family kind of thinking... My answer is definitely no - I just don't know how to go about telling him or handling it.
 
[quote name='javeryh']True, but he kind of comes from the old school italian family is family kind of thinking... My answer is definitely no - I just don't know how to go about telling him or handling it.[/quote]
You tell him that it's his responsibility to take care of. His problem, his situation to fix. Calling you to try and bail him out shows that he's unable to take care of it on his own. Adding you into the mix would only widen the venue for this mess.

Be direct and up-front. Don't lie to him, just tell him that you don't feel comfortable being involved in the situation and it's something you hope he can work himself out of.
 
That is a tough one. If you want to keep the relationship open, tell him you will give him the $1k if he can get the other $9k. He likely will not be able to get the other $9k and he can't blame you (rightly or wrongly) for whatever happens. If he does get the other $9k and you do give him te $1k, you may have saved him for a bit. In the end, it is just a band aid for a bigger problem.
 
I'd say try to learn more instead of going with what you know. Talk to him more, learn more, and discern truth from lie. To talk to him about this would be safer for him than just not giving him money and rejecting him - and you know what they say, better safe than sorry. Well, maybe. That's just what I'd do. Of course, if my cousin needed money like that, I'd meet in person, and after finding out what I trusted, would sell off all my games if it meant keeping him safe.
 
I don't really see how $1,000 would help him. If he's exhausted every other option, he's still $9,000 short and I assume if he sees that you can help once, he'll come back again and again.

It's tough, but I think you're gonna have to tell him straight up that you can't help him. Immediately family first, for sure.
 
That is an incredibly difficult problem. I would probably help him, but I doubt it will do any good...

Update us on what you do. Something serious could happen to him if he doesn't get the money... but this sounds like something out of a movie, so I kind of think he's lying to you.
 
if you cant help you cant help but even if you could id wonder how bad his gambling problem is and even if you could help him with his debt would he stop gambling or start up again? if his folks could help him out tell him to go to them but do you think he could be making all this up to get money for some other reason?
 
[quote name='mojoman5165']rule #1: never lend money to relatives[/QUOTE]

QFT.

javeryh, DO NOT DO THIS. Tell him to go to his parents since, as you say, they have the money. He doesn't seem like a very close relative to you, so why the fuck should you patronize him and risk getting fucked up the ass by the mob?
 
When he pulls that "family is family" crap, you have to turn it around on him--tell him that he should respect your family and not drag you, your wife or your child into this illegal and dangerous situation. Tell him if you were in his shoes you'd think about his welfare over yours. Basically he's got to be a man and work out his own problems.

It's not like he's fallen into hard times through no fault of his own. There's a difference between helping someone in need and helping someone's greed.
 
Just tell him to go get some killer bunnies to turn loose on his lenders

killerbunnies3wj.gif
 
Thanks for the replies so far guys and gals - it is exactly what I was thinking. There is no way I'm getting involved in this. When I tell him that do you think that should be the end of it? Like "sorry I can't help" or should I offer up an excuse ("money's tight") or some suggestions on how he could get some cash? I mean, he drives a nicer car than I do - to me selling the car and other possessions seems like a good starting point to get some quick money.

I'm also planning to tell him to talk to his parents - if it is really serious and they have the money (they do, I think) then that seems like the most logical thing to do - I mean we are WAY beyond the whole saving face thing. It's not like it will be that surprising to them since he is always in trouble (last year he crashed his car while driving drunk at about 90mph - lucky to be alive) but my guess is that they bailed him out once before on something like this and that's why he doesn't want to say anything.

I just hate awkward and uncomfortable conversations and this is going to be both.
 
If he starts to beg after telling him no just throw glitter in his face and run out the door.
 
Talk to the mob buddies and make them an offer they can't refuse.

Sorry, I just finished reading the Godfather last week and rewatched the moveis so this is wierd timing.
 
By the way, if he owed 50 grand, and only owes 10 now, where did he get the other 40?
 
I think there are other options that he can afford to use besides borrowing money. It's obvious you don't want to get involved; the matter now is how to tell him you aren't going to.

Your best bet is to just tell him you're not going to get involved in any illegal activity. You have a family who doesn't deserve to be brought into it, and you're not willing to take that risk. He should understand that.

Also, I would offer some financial advice. He has a car, right? Sell it. If he really needs only $10,000, that should cover a chunk of it. It may not be much, but it can hold him over until he gets a new job (he'll have to take the bus/subway/whatever, though). I'm sure he's got random crap in his home that he doesn't need. Computer, television? Cell phone? Luxuries, not necessities.

Unless he's a homeless bum on the street, he's got something of value that can go towards paying them off. And once they're paid off, and they are no longer involved, maybe THEN you can help him get back on his feet.
 
[quote name='javeryh']Thanks for the replies so far guys and gals - it is exactly what I was thinking. There is no way I'm getting involved in this. When I tell him that do you think that should be the end of it? Like "sorry I can't help" or should I offer up an excuse ("money's tight") or some suggestions on how he could get some cash? I mean, he drives a nicer car than I do - to me selling the car and other possessions seems like a good starting point to get some quick money.

I'm also planning to tell him to talk to his parents - if it is really serious and they have the money (they do, I think) then that seems like the most logical thing to do - I mean we are WAY beyond the whole saving face thing. It's not like it will be that surprising to them since he is always in trouble (last year he crashed his car while driving drunk at about 90mph - lucky to be alive) but my guess is that they bailed him out once before on something like this and that's why he doesn't want to say anything.

I just hate awkward and uncomfortable conversations and this is going to be both.[/quote]

I'd try leaving it at that--just say I'm sorry but no--and then use the suggestions one-by-one if he presses you. No sense blowing your load all at once.

No offense, but the guy is starting to sound more and more like a lazy ass douche--he really doesn't need you, and he's being selfish if he thinks he can take advantage of you and still keep his current lifestyle.
 
Dude, don't get involved. You don't know who these people are, and the mob mentality is not known for extensive reason. "His cousin's got money." "Really? Where's he at? His fault for being related to the dick." You don't need that. And lending him money is a joke. The only people you should ever expect to pay anything back are those you would have reason to believe would, uh, pay you back.

I would tell him that you'll be there to help him *legally* through whatever happens. These people don't have the right to hurt him just because he owes them money. He should already be talking to the police, but if he's not willing to do that because it would mean taking responsibility for illegally gambling, he shouldn't be asking relatives to put their purses and necks on the line in a much more real sense.

But you're not going to give him money because it's that response which got him here in the first place. He needs to deal with it properly. Be direct with him. I don't know why you're nervous- you're not in the wrong. You shouldn't feel impelled to lie.

And anyone who says that you're obligated to help him regardless is advocating financial slavery for any responsible human being with a foolish cousin. That's not charity- it's hell on earth.
 
You really can't win here. Just lie to him and say finances are tight right now or something, that's the best you can do. If you do give this guy the $10,000, you'll definitely never see the money again. If he's in debt $50K, it sounds like he has a serious problem and chances are he'll be in big time debt again and he'll probably try to hit you up for money again.
 
If it were me, I wouldn't lie or make excuses as to why you won't give him the money. Saying finances are tight right now could just lead to him asking for money when you aren't hard up in a few months, and he needs money again, meaning then you'll have to be sure he doesn't find out that you aren't hard up because you just (bought a car, a house, whatever might show you are NOT broke), you'll have to come up with a new excuse every time.

I would strongly suggest something like if you DO feel the need to help him out, only do it if he shows signs of being willing to get treatment for his apparent gambling addiction. Don't do it as a bribe (I'll give you $1000 if you get treatment, for example). If he's hitting up barely-relatives for cash, he's in way over his head and needs to get help in places other than his pocketbook, to break this cycle of borrowing from everyone to pay for his own debts.

I'd suggest possibly looking for gambling addiction support groups on the net and in your area (Gamblers Anonymous is probably a good start but I imagine there are others), as there are certainly other people who have been through this and can give you some first hand opinions on what may or may not happen.

You don't have to give him money to help him right now, so hopefully you can find a way to support him (or help his more immediate family support him) and get his life back to some sort of normalcy.
 
[quote name='javeryh']We were really close as kids but for the last 10 years or so we only see each other at random holidays or if someone dies. Any thoughts on how to handle this? Thanksgiving is going to be awkward...[/QUOTE]

Not to make light of a pretty grim situation, but the next funeral you see him at may be his. :roll:

I think you've gotten some pretty spot-on advice so far, and it certainly sounds like you know what you need to do (or NOT do, in this case). When he asks why, be honest with him up front and tell him that you simply cannot place your family at risk by getting involved. Don't lie and say money's tight, blah, blah, blah. You'll just make things harder. Encourage him to go to his parents and tell him losing face is nothing compared to losing your kneecaps...or your life. He got himself into this, and if he's going to get out of it he's going to have to eat some serious crow.

Also, you say you hate awkward and uncomfortable conversations. Isn't that what being a lawyer is all about? ;)
 
[quote name='Tybee']Also, you say you hate awkward and uncomfortable conversations. Isn't that what being a lawyer is all about? ;)[/quote]

That's why I'm a corporate lawyer - I hide behind my desk and mountains of paperwork! :D
 
I wouldn't get the balls to ask anyone but my parents for money, especially if it was a result of a bad habit.
 
fuck 'em,you give up the money, he drops your name, they come lookin for you to get the rest of it.

Stay far away from this cat, it sucks but it aint your fault, I wouldn't even pick up the phone again if it was him callin'.
 
I know I'm a little late with the advice here, but I just stumbled upon the thread.

Your top priority, as you said, is your own family. If you see even the smallest possibility that this could affect them negatively, then turn him down flat. You have to protect you and yours, as that is your duty.

For some people, the transition from immature childhood to mature adulthood can be a violent one. Sometimes it takes a rough experience to jolt people into reality, and maybe this is just your cousin's time to learn his lesson. He needs to learn to work on his own and take responsibility for his actions. Helping him out here will only postpone the inevitable, we all know that.

Stay clear. Even in the Bible, God talked about being wise with your money and not taking on the debts of another man, especially an irresponsible one.

As far as how to tell him, you have to be honest. His feelings are totally irrelevant at this point; he needs to be given the tough truth.
 
Tell him to tell the truth. If the truth is something like what people are saying cal the FBI and they will take care of the rest. Even after he tells you the truth you will have to give him the money.

Just make sure you know every detail from when he lucked out to when he had the time limit to give the money. Just make sure that after you find out everything tell him to laylow for awhile at an old grandparents house or close freind who is unrelated to this mess.

If this situtation is crime related I strongly suggest calling the FBI or go to your nearest police station. I suggest calling the FBI or the FEDs. The IRS will probably help out here also since they want that tax money.

Maybe because of you can help bring down an organization that renders people helpless. I am for groups with balckmarket dealings just not groups where they threaten to kill people.

Another thing did he sell anything of his to get money or sell his blood?

Speaking of stupid money I had a family member who was the reason why I probably exsist today and he was killed when he was kicked for using another person drugs and died soon later. The thing is if he would have just told the cops or anybody then it would all have gone away.

If a family member has problems help them. Remember what King Gorilla did for the Monarch.
 
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