I'm In A Serious Depression And I Need Some CAG'er Support - *Long Read*

NamelessMC

NamelessMC

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No I don't want to borrow money. But I'll keep things simple. Long but simple:
Disclaimer: This is long, because it's personal and it has to do with my life. I don't need any "too long didn't read posts". If it's too long, just click back on your browser. You're not cool or part of a "funny" fad by saying it's too long and you didn't read it. You're just another recycled clone of another person's joke. Follow up with a Chuck Norris joke so everyone that sees your "TLDR" post can know that you have no sense of humor and you just do what people expect a troll to do.

Problem : I have high blood pressure. It's not because of diet or sugar intake. It's because of anxiety and stress. The truth is I've wasted too many years. I'm 24 and registered to go back to school, but being single, not having money and working a retail job are stressing me out. Not being in school and not using my mind leaves my mind bored and I spend hours every night wandering in thought. I can't just turn off my mind, so I end up going nights without sleep when I'm not upset about something or high on caffeine.

Solution : I know some people say stuff like, "Just stop thinking man and go to sleep!" Doesn't work sorry. I thought about what death and religion really meant when I was 7 years old. By the time I was 9, I stopped asking my mom for toys because I knew what it meant to waste money and be poor. By the time I was 14, I had convinced myself God was a frame of reference and I had no need for religion. To put it simply: I think a lot. I was born that way and it's not something I can turn off. But I get the most sleep when my mind is working hard and learning something productive. I don't start school until July 7th, and frankly, I don't want to die of exhaustion before then so I need some motivational support.

What I plan to do about it :
I need to get out of this bullshit retail job. Best Buy is one of the best retail companies you can work at, but as a reference to something Al Gore himself referenced to: Human beings only react to drastic change. Gradual worsening environments, we get comfortable with and let bring us down. Because Best Buy isn't "as" bad as other jobs, I think it's a good job. Because Best Buy doesn't pay as "low" as other jobs, I think it's a good paying job. Because they don't write me up or reprimand me for things other jobs do, I think it's a tolerant job. But it's not a good job. Bottom line, it's a corporate operated retail sales job, where the only thing that matters is how long you're on the clock and how much you sell in the few hours you get. If you can make the company the revenue they want, with the most minimal hours, that's exactly what you'll get.

Secondly, I need to start seeing my goals through. In October 2007 I had a goal of making my own website, recording my own gaming review videos and writing short stories. I wanted to converge the site with my other friends' ideas so we could help each other gain momentum and popularity and possibly get sponsors and have a fun way of making some extra money doing something we love. It's June 2008 and I haven't even started ONE template. Not to mention losing two of the friends in that time frame that I started the idea with.

Third, I need to work on me. I waste too much of my money and time on frivolous things. I haven't bought a "new" outfit in over a year. I haven't fixed up my car in over a year. I keep wasting my money on useless things: Blurays, game deals that I don't even play. I have a freakin' retail sealed copy of Eye of Judgment, just because I got it for $40. That $40 could've been a shirt and pants. I need to start spending wisely, but spending on me and no one or nothing else. When I'm comfortable with how I look and what I drive, I know that my confidence will rise and other things will follow. If I'm not happy with what I'm wearing and I'm ashamed of what I drive, that attitude is going to follow me to work, school, to parties and straight into my room, where I'll "think" about it for 3 hours every night when I'm supposed to be asleep like a normal human being.

That being said, this is what I think I should do, and this is where I need your guys' help:

1) I want to cut off my cell phone. I love my Palm Centro, but honestly, I don't use my cell phone for anything productive. All it is is something for me to text message people with, waste a few hours arguing with a girl on. And bottom line, it's $50 a month that I don't even really need to spend. I've never "needed" it for anything urgent that a payphone or a public phone wouldn't offer me. I know it's one of those things like, EVERYONE has a cell phone. But realistically, why do I need one now? When I'm comfortable and all my bills and affairs are in order, yeah I'll get it activated again. But right now? It's just $50 a month that gets in the way. If I spent that $50 on games even, I'd have 12 games a year, full retail copies just sitting in my room.

2) I need to join a gym. Not a "fitness" center like 24 hour fitness, but a gym like a training center. One with olympic bars, benches, squat racks and free weights. Not treadmills and auto-machines. Something cheap. I checked out 24 hour fitness, and the activation and initiation fees add up to $80 initial payment. I was thinking of SDSU but it's a 40 minute drive. That's like $5-10 gas every other day lol.

3) I need a way of organizing my goals and putting them in my face. I was going to type them in Word and print them out. Maybe put them on the wall next to posters and wall scrolls? The problem I find a lot is that in the morning, it takes me 45 minutes before I finally feel like, "Okay I have to get out of bed". I'll lay in bed for all that time just doing nothing. Which leads to my next number-

4) Do any of you guys know a lot about depression? Can it cause a lack of energy? Like a lack of, "Okay let's get up and move and do something" type of feeling I used to have in the morning? I have a great diet, I drink a lot of water, eat healthy food, 4 small meals a day, and I sleep a solid 8 hours a night. But I have anxiety dreams and I lack energy. Does depression cause it? How can I kick this aside without a therapist?

5) I'm going to get off my ass and learn how to make this website template. I'm going to take a class on Flash, HTML and web design so I can start putting the pieces together. Maybe invest in a cheap but decent quality camera to record some videos.

What do you guys think? Any useful information?
 
Your post is too long, I didn't read it. And Chuck Norris once beat a brick wall at tennis.

jk, I'm reading the full post now

To be honest, your plan of action sounds like you're right on track. You have goals defined, you're cutting back on frivolity. And it sounds like you're gonna start getting serious about your life. I'm not sure anyone can provide you with any more advice then what you have planned already.
 
That is too bad man, I am sorry you are feeling depressed.

One thing I can say is about the website. If you are doing this because you really love doing it and want it as a hobby, by all means go for it. However if are really more into it because of the possible money, well then you might want to reconsider. Chances are you won't make a single dime off of your website, and this could cause you to become more depressed if you really had high hopes for it.

So you just might want to take that into consideration.
 
The few times I've gotten anxiety dreams was when I had too much caffeine in my diet. I cut back on it and I've been fine since. Don't know if you drink too much soda or coffee or are taking any energy pills/drinks but if you are, cut back. Or maybe it's just where you feel you are in life. But I wouldn't sweat it; you have some good plans for yourself. Focus on what you do have, not what you don't and work towards the goals and changes you've set. Keep them realistic. Remember, you don't need to do them all at once because you may end up overwhelming yourself. Try prioritizing what you want to do first and set a flexible schedule to get these things done.

If you're not exercising now, then that definitely can be a source of why you lack energy. Even 30 minutes a day of cardio will make a big difference in your body's energy. You could also be lacking something internally like a mineral or vitamin. You could try taking a multi-vitamin to see if that helps. Otherwise, make an appointment for a physician to see if there's anything wrong. Get some blood work done if necessary.
 
For a nominal fee I'll come to your house and stick my foot up your ass, that should straighten out any of these "problems" you got.

Man the fuck up, you sound like a little bitch.
 
First and foremost, know that you are not alone in this. I have suffered from severe depression my entire life. The primary cause in my own circumstance is a chemical inbalance, which I have attempted to rectify with medication, for longer than I can remember. This is not a solution for everyone. Although I rarely rely on my Bachelor's degree in Psychology these days, I have counseled more friends, and co-workers than I can count. Sometimes, having someone to regurgitate all of your thoughts onto have have a tremendously beneficial effect. Sometimes, a friend, is not the best person to talk to. Sometimes someone unfamiliar like a counselor is a better option. However, without a doubt, do not hold this in to yourself. This post was a great idea. Although you will no doubt receive some cynical criticism, I like to believe that there are enough mature individuals on this forum, that can keep you on track.
Your lack of energy is 100% a byproduct of your depression. Regardless of the number of energy drinks, caffeine filled drinks, sugar items, etc. you consume, this will not rectify the matter. Without getting technical, this is where some antidepressants can be a benefit. Antidepressants, however do not work immediately. Usually it can take up to a month to notice any effect at all. If you have a doctor, I would make a visit, and discuss this with them.
Setting goals can be beneficial, so long as you follow them through. Make sure your goals are attainable, without being overbearing. As for a gym, I would suggest you look at a local YMCA. Their cost should be more manageable. As for the phone, I would suggest you purchase a pay as you go phone, so you have something for emergency sake. Public phones are few and far in between these days.
I need to attend to some errands, but I would be happy to continue this when I return. If you find this of any help whatsoever, PM me, and I will contact you.
 
[quote name='manthing']You need moar booze[/quote]

Listen to this man he knows what he's talking about :D

But seriously I've gone through some of the same things you mentioned and just sounds like you need something to help you unwind and to help you shut your brain off for at least a couple of hours.
 
I've read your post and while I don't feel like I have answers, I can offer up some suggestions:

Your job: It seems as if you at some point let your job become who you are. That's especially depressing because you justified Best Buy as a "decent" place of employment. It's good that you recognize that you need change.. even drastic change. Don't be afraid to put out some applicatoins/resumes to other places and take that leap of faith when you get an offer. When I graduated college, I had been working at a retail drug store for almost 8 years and I put in my notice to coincide with my last day of school. I didn't have a plan or another job lined up and although it took (a long) time to get another job I have no regrets about it. I absolutely hated the place and even though they were paying me $11/hr to stand around wtih my thumb up my ass, I dreaded the drive in.

Your energy: You're headed in the right direction with an interest in exercise. You'll find that you'll have more energy, be quicker to fall asleep when you put your head down (trust me on this), and you'll just feel overall better. The benefits of regular exercise are never exaggerated. Most people will say to get a partner to go with but I avoid that situation because I don't want to be co-dependent on someone to get something done for myself. I strongly prefer free-weights but I forego them to use all-in-one multi-station machines to not have to rely on a spotter. As someone else was mentioning, when you do things for yourself you're a lot happier.

School: Congrats on wanting to go back. I partied and fucked around after high school and took classes here and there, but never got serious until I was 22. When I realized how much I hated my job and that I didn't want to be stuck there I really buckled down and loaded up on courses. I busted ass working full-time and taking 4-6 classes a semester (including summers) and ended up graduating 2 1/2 years later a few weeks after my 25th birthday. I gave up opportunities socially, monetarily (god it'll be great to not spend gift money on school expenses), and a few good years of youth, but right now I'm about to turn 26 and have just landed my first job in my field. It goes quick and it's worth it.

From your post I can tell that you have a good head on your shoulders. I just want to throw this out there because even though I love a challenge, school never challenged me mentally because it was more of an annoyance to me to be honest. Classes were hard and I came across material I didn't understand but I never took it too seriously and made it out alive with a 3.10 gpa. To be fair, I majored in accounting because I was good at it, not because I'm passionate in the least about it.

As far as your cell phone, I've been to that point before too. Of course life will go on without one (and has for millions of years before cell phones were made) but I ultimately keep mine in case of an emergency situation with friends/family and because I didn't like the odds of trying to get a job without potential employers being able to call me directly.

Your goals: Everyone will have a different method that works for them. What worked for me was printing out an outline of courses I was going to take to graduate, putting it up on my bedroom wall (by my computer), and crossing it off as I went. When I found out that another management trainee at work was hired into the postition at $2 more an hour because he had a business degree, I took out a sharpie and wrote "$10 hr = $12 w/ college" on my computer monitor (an old CRT) so that it was always in front of my face.

Point being, even though I focused heavily on school, what worked for me was putting my goals in an extremely visible place regardless of medium. Grab some sharpies and write on post-its, print out a word document, write directly on something, whatever it takes to constantly remind yourself that you felt capable of doing something and you clearly had an idea of what you want to accomplish and keep it in front of you daily.

You have some issues that run deeper than I've experienced, but I did have a small bout of depression when I was 19. I was stupid and fell into a six month drug slump and came out of it ok, but I know enough to say that it's not just a series of bad days, it's a funk that doesn't go away overnight. The last thing you want to hear, although it rings true, is that it takes time. The best advice I can give is to simply "do it" if you want to make a change. There are things you have stated that you want to do, and once you actually go ahead and start doing them, things will change for you. People will usually react and say, "It's not that easy to just..." But it really is. We have the internet for sources of information, 24 hour gyms (if you need them), pretty much an entire culture of instant gratification. Anyone who says "I can't" is really saying "I don't want to try"

In the end, I'm teetering on a fine line of starting to spit out cliches at you, but they're cliches because they're true and they work. You need to change your whole outlook and that starts with the goals you've stated (school, gym, new job, website-hobby). Start by listing out your goals and then one by one, map out the steps you'll need to take to get there. It doesn't have to be formal, just whatever works for you. Don't worry about making sacrifices along the way and you'll get there. I don't have that much more wisdom to offer, but feel free to hit me up for anything if you need it in the future. Best of luck.
 
Don't spend money on a gym if money is tight. Its good weather outside in most of the country now, so just run. Run a mile or more each day in the morning. Its free, you get to be outside, and it will motivate you to get out of bed each morning.

Take a class on website design and flash if you really need to, but I think you can get plenty of good tutorials for the two online. I learned how to use flash by just following tutorials online and buying a book (Flash Bible). For really basic web design stuff, I think taking a class is a waste of money. Then again, a class may motivate you to stick to it each day.
 
[quote name='QiG']I've read your post and while I don't feel like I have answers, I can offer up some suggestions:

Your job: It seems as if you at some point let your job become who you are. That's especially depressing because you justified Best Buy as a "decent" place of employment. It's good that you recognize that you need change.. even drastic change. Don't be afraid to put out some applicatoins/resumes to other places and take that leap of faith when you get an offer. When I graduated college, I had been working at a retail drug store for almost 8 years and I put in my notice to coincide with my last day of school. I didn't have a plan or another job lined up and although it took (a long) time to get another job I have no regrets about it. I absolutely hated the place and even though they were paying me $11/hr to stand around wtih my thumb up my ass, I dreaded the drive in.

Your energy: You're headed in the right direction with an interest in exercise. You'll find that you'll have more energy, be quicker to fall asleep when you put your head down (trust me on this), and you'll just feel overall better. The benefits of regular exercise are never exaggerated. Most people will say to get a partner to go with but I avoid that situation because I don't want to be co-dependent on someone to get something done for myself. I strongly prefer free-weights but I forego them to use all-in-one multi-station machines to not have to rely on a spotter. As someone else was mentioning, when you do things for yourself you're a lot happier.

School: Congrats on wanting to go back. I partied and fucked around after high school and took classes here and there, but never got serious until I was 22. When I realized how much I hated my job and that I didn't want to be stuck there I really buckled down and loaded up on courses. I busted ass working full-time and taking 4-6 classes a semester (including summers) and ended up graduating 2 1/2 years later a few weeks after my 25th birthday. I gave up opportunities socially, monetarily (god it'll be great to not spend gift money on school expenses), and a few good years of youth, but right now I'm about to turn 26 and have just landed my first job in my field. It goes quick and it's worth it.

From your post I can tell that you have a good head on your shoulders. I just want to throw this out there because even though I love a challenge, school never challenged me mentally because it was more of an annoyance to me to be honest. Classes were hard and I came across material I didn't understand but I never took it too seriously and made it out alive with a 3.10 gpa. To be fair, I majored in accounting because I was good at it, not because I'm passionate in the least about it.

As far as your cell phone, I've been to that point before too. Of course life will go on without one (and has for millions of years before cell phones were made) but I ultimately keep mine in case of an emergency situation with friends/family and because I didn't like the odds of trying to get a job without potential employers being able to call me directly.

Your goals: Everyone will have a different method that works for them. What worked for me was printing out an outline of courses I was going to take to graduate, putting it up on my bedroom wall (by my computer), and crossing it off as I went. When I found out that another management trainee at work was hired into the postition at $2 more an hour because he had a business degree, I took out a sharpie and wrote "$10 hr = $12 w/ college" on my computer monitor (an old CRT) so that it was always in front of my face.

Point being, even though I focused heavily on school, what worked for me was putting my goals in an extremely visible place regardless of medium. Grab some sharpies and write on post-its, print out a word document, write directly on something, whatever it takes to constantly remind yourself that you felt capable of doing something and you clearly had an idea of what you want to accomplish and keep it in front of you daily.

You have some issues that run deeper than I've experienced, but I did have a small bout of depression when I was 19. I was stupid and fell into a six month drug slump and came out of it ok, but I know enough to say that it's not just a series of bad days, it's a funk that doesn't go away overnight. The last thing you want to hear, although it rings true, is that it takes time. The best advice I can give is to simply "do it" if you want to make a change. There are things you have stated that you want to do, and once you actually go ahead and start doing them, things will change for you. People will usually react and say, "It's not that easy to just..." But it really is. We have the internet for sources of information, 24 hour gyms (if you need them), pretty much an entire culture of instant gratification. Anyone who says "I can't" is really saying "I don't want to try"

In the end, I'm teetering on a fine line of starting to spit out cliches at you, but they're cliches because they're true and they work. You need to change your whole outlook and that starts with the goals you've stated (school, gym, new job, website-hobby). Start by listing out your goals and then one by one, map out the steps you'll need to take to get there. It doesn't have to be formal, just whatever works for you. Don't worry about making sacrifices along the way and you'll get there. I don't have that much more wisdom to offer, but feel free to hit me up for anything if you need it in the future. Best of luck.[/QUOTE]

Your post and Primedrctv's are really good for me, I appreciate it a lot. I decided not to call in sick to work. because even if I pass out now, it'll just mess up my sleep schedule. Of course I'm going to come home early. But by the time my body gave up, it was 3 hours before work, so there was really no benefit to missing out on a $60 part of my check.

I wrote out some goals on Word and I told my ex gf I'm going to print them. She told me, "Are you serious about scheduling all the things you're going to do every day? What about free time?"

I told her, "Free time? I've had 7 years of free time since I graduated high school. If anything, I need to start giving some free time back."

I know it's too early to say this, but sometimes pain is what it takes. I should probably give some background.

I'm not NEW to working out. As you can see in my sig, I'm sometimes a little vain about my results. But what I'm new to, is working out properly, working out right, having a gym environment. Working out in my room should only be a last result because a gym is really important to growing properly. I just want to implement working out, where other stupid crap is thrown around.

I know you don't think you gave me a lot of advice, but just hearing that someone else came from the same situation as me, being late to college and having some bad times but pulling through, gives me a lot of encouragement. Maybe I'm not doomed. I just need to get my shit together and be happy about it.
 
Oh snap, that's you in your sig? Shit, then, I'll waive the fee and shoe you in the ass for free. You look like you need a good ole fashioned ass kickin' to get your mind right.
 
Seems like you have a good plan of action. As with all of us it appears that some sense of complacency has set in with your job at Best Buy. Although, it is commendable to have gainful employment at the end of the day I doubt that a retail job at Best Buy will help you attain your goals. Like another poster said maybe you should send out resumes and get a change of scenery...possibly a job with prospects for the future.

As far as the cell phone, I don't think I could ever go without it. I have had a phone since I was 17 and I am now 27. I would cut down on game purchases and the gym. Like others have said if money is tight dont join a gym. Run outside, go to the park, play some ball but keep the phone and don't jump on cheapassgamer everyday checking for game deals.

Don't buy games until you have beaten everything in your backlog. I am sure most of us would never buy games if we had to meet that condition but, society always has us focused on the next best thing.

All in all, good luck.
 
This is truly weird. I went through the exact same thing your going through. I have wonderful ideas, I just never implement them. I do think...alot. I have anxiety to the point of respiratory problems, and taking Amoxicillin. I've still yet to decided how to fix this, I know what your going through. It's like your life is going nowhere, you do the same thing everyday, etc etc .

I too was going to start a game related website, and just got the inspiration to do it a couple weeks ago. Got the website design finished...and just kinda forgot about it. Want to help? It would keep me motivated to the point where I could actually finished something I started.

You said you wanted to learn Flash, HTML, etc. I was going to start a series of video tutorials on those subjects, but once again...I have the tools to make it, the skill set, I just kinda...stopped making them.

What helped me was just changing small things. I moved my computer to the kitchen, where's there's lots of windows, since I'm on the computer all the time. It helped for awhile. I got a job. And now I'm here again. Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

This is a little hard to explain, maybe even stupid...but I have a sort of theory. You see, before I got a job, before I got Internet, I would just stay on my computer and using a pringles antenna, I was able to hijack someone's remote Internet. Now this Internet would last maybe 20 minutes a day, as it was a poorly designed antenna (I created it from scratch). During those 20 minutes, I would download as many ebooks as I could, and when my time was up, I would just learn and learn. Now that I do have full time Internet, my days are spent reading the same message boards, chatting on IRC, and just wasting time. I'm actually considering canceling my Internet, seeing if I can get back into the creative habit I used to have. That's also where I learned pretty much everything I know.

I can't remember the last time I actually learned something. Not even in school. It's all memorization.
 
You've put a plan together. What else are you looking for? Approval? Condemnation?

Not a soul here is gonna be around to rouse in your success or failures. Printing up a gameplan on paper is well and good, but now it's time to do it.

So, you know, go fuckin' do it.
 
You have a plan, start breaking it down into smaller steps and make sure you accomplish to the best you can. Keep yourself motivated and maintain the discipline to stick through the frustrations. It'll be worth it in the end.
 
[quote name='mykevermin']You've put a plan together. What else are you looking for? Approval? Condemnation?

Not a soul here is gonna be around to rouse in your success or failures. Printing up a gameplan on paper is well and good, but now it's time to do it.

So, you know, go fuckin' do it.[/quote]

QFT. It is easy to write up plans and say you are going to do shit, I do that all the time. But Actually putting foot to pavement and getting shit done, that is the big step. If you can go through with it, good for you.
 
The fact that you need life advice on a message board, about stuff you already have the answer to, just too lazy to do, means your failure in a box. Seriously, you are everything I stand against.

With that said good luck man.

Would you like a tissue for your issue?
 
I don't know what you mean by 24 hour fitness is a fitness center, but its a gym like any other gym. Some are just larger and have the larger "health club" feel with a health store, Jamba Juice and day care inside. Join it instead of staying up late thinking yourself into doom, go there and work out your excess energy. Signup isn't much, its only $24 a month.
 
OP - my advice

1. Buy a book about finding a new job. Read it. Follow the advice. Use Amazon to check for reviews on the different books, pick the one you like the best (doesn't matter if it's "Dummy's guide to a new job" or "The Secret" - just get the one that you think is best for you) If you hate the book you bought, buy a second, what is $20 if it's a gateway to a better existence?

2. Be disciplined. Put aside a certain time (like an hour or two a day) devoted towards working toward your goals. This could include night school. If you get home from a hard day of work and feel like knocking off - this is important - then immediately force yourself to remember that crappy feeling you'll get later on if you waste the afternoon, and knuckle down. On the other hand be reasonable, and take a break every once in a while for socializing.

3. Realize that changing a job takes a long time - like months - even longer if you need to get skills/education. Don't quit your current job - use it to pay off your bills while you work towards your real goals.

You'll be OK - trust me on this, you haven't wasted any time (you're 24, goddamn) - it's a great time to be working towards something better.
 
I had tons of problems with depression before, some similar to you. I have crazy high blood pressure like you, from anxiety, stress, and so on. Lately, I'm not as stressed as I use to be after finishing college, but still have a lot of things I need to accomplish, like learning to ........ Be more independent. Get a girlfriend. Get a full time job in my career, etc.
 
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