Sorry if it's already been done, but I wanted to create a comedy forum with a bunch of great jokes I heard recently. Some of these are a bit risque so I apologize if it offends anyone. I'd also love to hear jokes that any of you have to share.
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a new church in their neighborhood. The pastor said "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks to show will-power." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of 2 weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for 2 weeks?" The old man replied.. "No problem at all, Pastor". "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. Then he went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for 2 weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad, but the second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights..but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations..Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked the same question, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No, pastor, we weren't able to make it", the young man replied sadly. "What happened, my son?" inquired the pastor. "Well, my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there!" "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" said the pastor sadly. "We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."
2
A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache." He replies, "Gotcha!"
3
Make love, not war. Or you could do both and get married.
4
a brunette comes in and tells her room mate about her amazing date out.
she says to the blonde, yep and i finally slept with a brazillian man...
the blonde sits up and says OMG! YOU SLUT!!! How many is a brazillian?!?!?
5
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Bu tt Holes." Unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and An al Cysts." Not a chance. "Nuts and Bu tts?" No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it.
6
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and
'Keep away from children.'
--Author Unknown
'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying
to teach you how to swim.''
--Paula Poundstone
7
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer : Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer< B> : You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet that liar told you I was speeding, too.
8
a juggler, late for his circus act, speeds down the i95 when suddenly he is stopped by a policeman. the juggler explains his predicament to the officer. the officer, who is a big fan of juggling, agrees to let him go with a warning if the juggler will show a condensed version of his act. the juggler take three bowling pins, lights them on fire and begins juggling.
meanwhile a blonde is driving by and she pulls over to watch the juggler for a few moments. she then gets out of her car and goes into the backseat of the police car.
the policeman goes up to her and says, "what the hell do you think you're doing?"
the blonde replies, "there's no way i'm passing that drinking test."
9
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
10
A plane takes off from New York's Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293,' he says. 'The weather ahead looks clear, so sit back, relax and - OH MY GOD!'
The intercom falls silent.
A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. 'I'm so sorry for scaring you all earlier,' he says.
'But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
'That's nothing,' a passenger in coach shouted. 'You should see the back of mine!'
Children’s Books You will Never See
(numbering is off because I edited out a lot of the dumb ones)
1. "You Were an Accident"
2. "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
4. "Some Kittens Can Fly!"
6. "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
7. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer-Hey! Let's Go Ride Our bikes!"
8. "All Dogs Go to Hell"
10. "You Are Different and That's Bad"
16. "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
18. "If there was a tax on sex, I'd be getting a hefty refund check... "
28. "Your Nightmares Are Real"
29. "Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things"
30. "POP! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games"
35. "The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables"
36. "The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy"
37. "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
38. "The Berenstein Bears Maul Some Campers And Are Shot Dead"
39. "How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School"
40. "Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear"
41. "What is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
43. "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
47. It's Only Natural! - Animals That Eat Their Children
51. There's More Than One Way to Skin a Cat: Step-by-Step Instructions
A bear and a rabbit where taking a shit in the woods together. The rabbit asked the bear "You don't mind leaving shit on your fur?" and the bear looked at the rabbit and said "Yes I do." and then wiped his ass with the rabbit.
Damn, there are a lot of miserable people here. I just wanted to do something nice for CAG and share some jokes I thought were funny. As you can probably tell, I never post in these threads and almost never read them and now I'm starting to remember why, it's because of negative people like the last few posters. If you don't like it, just don't post and let the thread go away.
A: It wasn't on purpose. Through the course of natural friction, his keys wore through the innards of the pockets. Being bald, on top of this, is inconsequential.
---
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: It shouldn't take more than one person to do this task, regardless of hair color.
---
Q: What did the apple say to the orange?
A: I despise you for being different from me.
---
Q: How do you get 500 midgets into a Volkswagon?
A: You have to manufacture a Volkswagon large enough to accomidate 500 midgets. It wouldn't be street-legal, but at least the problem of getting 500 midgets into a Volkswagon is solved.
---
An Irishman walks into a bar. He walked up to the bartender. The bartender asks "Whadda want, ya' curs-ed Irish lush?" The Irishman blinked twice, then pulled out a notepad and wrote something in it. The bartender asked "Whaddya writing, ya damned green foot?" The Irishman, with a tear in his eye, held up the notepad revealing the words "I may be Irish, but I still have feelings." The bartender looked down, then exclaimed, "You're right, this world would be a better place if we all just love a little more." The two became best friends.
---
Q: Knock Knock
A: Who's there?
Q: The police, your husband is dead.
---
Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A terrible tragedy. Even lawyers have families, friends, and loved ones that will miss them from this suspicious drowning.
---
Q: Did you hear about the ambulance-chasing lawyer who married the blonde?
A: I heard they lived fulfilling lives even though the lawyer eventually questioned his way of business, and became a loan officer.
---
Q: What did the rug say to the carpet?
A: Nothing, neither can talk. If they could talk, hypothetically, they would probably talk about the state of our nation and how to improve things.
---
Q: What did the hobo get for Christmas?
A: nothing.
---
Yo Mama's so fat, that she was instructed by the doctor to go on a low carbohydrate, high protein diet to reduce the risk of heart disease or even a heart attack later in life.
---
You might be a redneck if... Northern city-dwellers mock your isolated rural heritage, and utilize stereotypes referencing your supposed appetite for fornication with family members, and your almost simian intelligence to further demean you.
A guy wakes up in a bar bathroom hammered out of his mind. He comes out and the bartender notices he's got vomit all over his shirt. The guy says to the bartender "Dammit! My wife doeshn't mind me having a beer after work...*hic*...but shee said if I come home one more time waishted like this...shees gonna leave me...*hic*!" The bartender says "Here's a trick, put a ten dollar bill in that pocket on your shirt. When she goes to do the laundry and finds it, tell her some asshole puked on you and felt bad about it, so he gave you $10 for the dry cleaning bill." The guy says "Thatsh a great idea...*hic*...thanks!" and stumbles out of the bar. He gets home, throws his clothes in the hamper, sneakily crawls into bed and passes out.
The next morning his wife shakes him awake holding his vomit-covered shirt in front of him. "What the hell is this? Did you drink yourself silly again?" The guy says no and relates the false story the bartender advised to give to his wife. She says "Well, that was nice of the guy to pay to get the shirt cleaned after throwing up on it, but you said it was $10 and there's $20 in the breast pocket!" So the guy says "Oh yeah, I forgot, he shit my pants too."
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday.
She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 32,” is the reply. “I’m exactly 47,” the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
She replies, “I guess about 29.” ” Nope, I’m 47.”
Now, she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.” Again she proudly responds, “I am 47, but, thank you.”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks a senior gentleman the same question.
He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the heck, go ahead.”
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay, how old am I?”
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 47.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”
The old man replies, “Promise you won’t get mad?” “Promise,” she says.
He replies, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”
What does the battered wife do after leaving the shelter?
The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.
Have you ever heard of the dyslexic atheist insomniac? He lies awake at night and wonders if there really is a dog.
A school teacher tells her students they aren't able to leave class until they write and hand in a story of religion, romance, and mystery. One girl scribbles something down, hands it to the teacher, and walks out. The teacher looks at the paper, which reads "Oh God, I'm pregnant. Who done it?"
A man walks into a bar carrying a burlap sack. The bartender says "hey, what's with the sack?" The man pulls out a tiny piano and a tiny person, who sits down and begins to play the most beautiful song. Stunned, the bartender asks were he got such a thing. The man reaches into the sack and hands the bartender a lamp. He rubs it, and a genie pops out and says "you get 1 wish." The bartender thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to have a million bucks." "Done!" says the genie, who dissappears. A second later, a duck comes out the sack... followed by another duck... and another duck... and another duck... the bartender turns to the man and says "do you think that's genie's hard of hearing?" The man replies, "Do you think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
.
