Joke wars! Winter 2005!
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gdw3877
CAGiversary!
What about the momma jokes? We got knock-knock, babies, blondes, pedophiles, and Michael Jackson jokes, but no momma jokes? Ok, here's some:
-Your mom is so slutty, it's like throwing a hotdog down a hallway. (or fu*king a
coffee can, or a warm glass of water)
-Your mom is so fat they wouldn't let her have a Malcom X jacket because
helicopters kept trying to land on her back.
-Your mom is so slutty, it's like throwing a hotdog down a hallway. (or fu*king a
coffee can, or a warm glass of water)
-Your mom is so fat they wouldn't let her have a Malcom X jacket because
helicopters kept trying to land on her back.
angsto2
CAGiversary!
A family goes to the circus.
The little boy looks at an elephant and asks his mom.
"Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
The mom says. "That's the elephant's trunk"
The boy says, "No, the long thing further back."
The mom says, "That's the tail"
The boy says,"No, in front of that"
The mom says slightly embarassed, "Oh that, that's nothing."
The boy then turns and asks his father.
"Dad, what's that long thing on the elephant between the tail and trunk"
The dad says "That's the elephant's penis"
The boy looks up at him confused and says "Mom, said it was nothing"
The dad says "That's because your mother's spoiled"
The little boy looks at an elephant and asks his mom.
"Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
The mom says. "That's the elephant's trunk"
The boy says, "No, the long thing further back."
The mom says, "That's the tail"
The boy says,"No, in front of that"
The mom says slightly embarassed, "Oh that, that's nothing."
The boy then turns and asks his father.
"Dad, what's that long thing on the elephant between the tail and trunk"
The dad says "That's the elephant's penis"
The boy looks up at him confused and says "Mom, said it was nothing"
The dad says "That's because your mother's spoiled"
[quote name='gdw3877']What about the momma jokes? We got knock-knock, babies, blondes, pedophiles, and Michael Jackson jokes, but no momma jokes? Ok, here's some:
-Your mom is so slutty, it's like throwing a hotdog down a hallway. (or fu*king a
coffee can, or a warm glass of water)
-Your mom is so fat they wouldn't let her have a Malcom X jacket because
helicopters kept trying to land on her back.[/QUOTE]
yo momma so fat, when she sees the dinner menu at a restaurant, she say, "I'll take it."
yo momma so ugly, even her reflection can't look at her directly or it'd turn to stone
yo momma so fat, she shows up as a mountain on Google Map.
yo momma so fat, when she crosses the street, she only needs to take 1 step.
yo momma so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped yo grandma.
yo momma so poor, she needs to get a bank loan to finance the mortgage on her cardboard box.
yo momma so stupid, started staring at her orange juice cuz the box said 'concentrate'
yo momma so fat, it looks like 2 pigs fighting over a pot roast.
yo momma so uptight, when she tripped and fell on her ass, a diamond popped out when she got up.
yo momma so poor, even the cockroaches stopped stealin' her food cuz they felt bad for her.
yo momma so fat, NASA reclassified her as 2nd moon.
yo momma so ugly, that her face looks like a black hole cuz even light don't wanna get near her.
yo momma so smelly, the Center for Disease Control labeled her Agent Orange.
yo momma so stupid, she STD was a new kind of burger at McDonald's.
yo momma so hairy, she was made the official spokesman for the Hair Club for Men.
yo momma so fat, whenever she stood up the National Weather Service would wonder why there's an eclipse all of a sudden.
yo momma so old that God was an unfertilzed egg when she was young.
-Your mom is so slutty, it's like throwing a hotdog down a hallway. (or fu*king a
coffee can, or a warm glass of water)
-Your mom is so fat they wouldn't let her have a Malcom X jacket because
helicopters kept trying to land on her back.[/QUOTE]
yo momma so fat, when she sees the dinner menu at a restaurant, she say, "I'll take it."
yo momma so ugly, even her reflection can't look at her directly or it'd turn to stone
yo momma so fat, she shows up as a mountain on Google Map.
yo momma so fat, when she crosses the street, she only needs to take 1 step.
yo momma so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped yo grandma.
yo momma so poor, she needs to get a bank loan to finance the mortgage on her cardboard box.
yo momma so stupid, started staring at her orange juice cuz the box said 'concentrate'
yo momma so fat, it looks like 2 pigs fighting over a pot roast.
yo momma so uptight, when she tripped and fell on her ass, a diamond popped out when she got up.
yo momma so poor, even the cockroaches stopped stealin' her food cuz they felt bad for her.
yo momma so fat, NASA reclassified her as 2nd moon.
yo momma so ugly, that her face looks like a black hole cuz even light don't wanna get near her.
yo momma so smelly, the Center for Disease Control labeled her Agent Orange.
yo momma so stupid, she STD was a new kind of burger at McDonald's.
yo momma so hairy, she was made the official spokesman for the Hair Club for Men.
yo momma so fat, whenever she stood up the National Weather Service would wonder why there's an eclipse all of a sudden.
yo momma so old that God was an unfertilzed egg when she was young.
sblymnlcrymnl
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[quote name='angsto2']A family goes to the circus.
The little boy looks at an elephant and asks his mom.
"Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
The mom says. "That's the elephant's trunk"
The boy says, "No, the long thing further back."
The mom says, "That's the tail"
The boy says,"No, in front of that"
The mom says slightly embarassed, "Oh that, that's nothing."
The boy then turns and asks his father.
"Dad, what's that long thing on the elephant between the tail and trunk"
The dad says "That's the elephant's penis"
The boy looks up at him confused and says "Mom, said it was nothing"
The dad says "That's because your mother's spoiled"[/QUOTE]
The little boy looks at an elephant and asks his mom.
"Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
The mom says. "That's the elephant's trunk"
The boy says, "No, the long thing further back."
The mom says, "That's the tail"
The boy says,"No, in front of that"
The mom says slightly embarassed, "Oh that, that's nothing."
The boy then turns and asks his father.
"Dad, what's that long thing on the elephant between the tail and trunk"
The dad says "That's the elephant's penis"
The boy looks up at him confused and says "Mom, said it was nothing"
The dad says "That's because your mother's spoiled"[/QUOTE]
[quote name='Derwood43']What's gross?
A dead baby, in a plastic bag.
What's grosser than that?
That same baby three weeks later.[/QUOTE]
How do you make a dead baby float?
Well, you pour some root beer in a beer mug, put two scoops of vanilla ice cream on top and then sprinkle on the dead baby.
A dead baby, in a plastic bag.
What's grosser than that?
That same baby three weeks later.[/QUOTE]
How do you make a dead baby float?
Well, you pour some root beer in a beer mug, put two scoops of vanilla ice cream on top and then sprinkle on the dead baby.
So evil :lol: :
What's brown and gurgles?
A baby in a casserole
What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung.
What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?
ed
How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
Nail its other hand to the floor.
What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Art.
What's brown and gurgles?
A baby in a casserole
What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung.
What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?
edHow do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
Nail its other hand to the floor.
What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Art.
sblymnlcrymnl
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[quote name='jaykrue']How do you make a dead baby float?
Well, you pour some root beer in a beer mug, put two scoops of vanilla ice cream on top and then sprinkle on the dead baby.[/QUOTE]
Alternate ending: Take your foot off it's head.
Well, you pour some root beer in a beer mug, put two scoops of vanilla ice cream on top and then sprinkle on the dead baby.[/QUOTE]
Alternate ending: Take your foot off it's head.
[quote name='sblymnlcrymnl']Alternate ending: Take your foot off it's head.[/QUOTE]
I was thinking of using that but I thought the other one sounded more creative. :lol:
What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
Bob
How do you make a man pregnant?
Stick a dead baby up his ass!
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.
What's purple, covered in pus and squeals?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs laying in a ditch?
Phil.
What do you get when you have sex with a pregnant woman?
A baby with a black eye!
How many dead babies does it take to change a tire?
Two, one to prop up the car and one to replace it incase it explodes.
What's white and red and hangs from a telephone wire?
A baby shot through a snowblower.
What do you get when you dislocate a dead baby's jaw?
Deep Throat.
Ok, that's that last dead baby joke I'll make. Even I'm gettin' grossed out.
I was thinking of using that but I thought the other one sounded more creative. :lol:
What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
Bob
How do you make a man pregnant?
Stick a dead baby up his ass!
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.
What's purple, covered in pus and squeals?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs laying in a ditch?
Phil.
What do you get when you have sex with a pregnant woman?
A baby with a black eye!
How many dead babies does it take to change a tire?
Two, one to prop up the car and one to replace it incase it explodes.
What's white and red and hangs from a telephone wire?
A baby shot through a snowblower.
What do you get when you dislocate a dead baby's jaw?
Deep Throat.
Ok, that's that last dead baby joke I'll make. Even I'm gettin' grossed out.
Ok, so since dead babies are a dead topic, let's move back to blondes:
What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?
A: All you can eat under a buck.
Q: Why is a blonde like a hardware store?
A: They are both 10¢ a screw.
Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.
Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
A3: "All the blondes have gone home!"
Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A: Introduces him/her self.
A2: Walks home.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.
Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: What do blondes and cowshit have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
A: I don't know.
R: Neither did she.
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.
Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
A: Their heels.
Confucius say; blonde who fly upside down have crack up.
Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.
... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today"
Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only put 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?
A: All you can eat under a buck.
Q: Why is a blonde like a hardware store?
A: They are both 10¢ a screw.
Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.
Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
A3: "All the blondes have gone home!"
Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A: Introduces him/her self.
A2: Walks home.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.
Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: What do blondes and cowshit have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
A: I don't know.
R: Neither did she.
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.
Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
A: Their heels.
Confucius say; blonde who fly upside down have crack up.
Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.
... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today"
Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only put 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200 mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe," he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do....he's in too far!"
She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200 mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe," he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do....he's in too far!"
Quackzilla
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Yo momma so fat, when she sits on a dollar a booger pops outta George Washingtons nose!
A young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper that hired him was to write a human-interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.
The young man asked, "What's the most exciting thing that ever happened around here?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else exciting that happened?" "But that's what we do round here." said the farmer. "The screwing is the reward." "No, I can't print that!" the young man said. "Can you think of anything else?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Okay let's try something else. What's the most terrible thing that's ever happened around here?"
The old farmer dropped his head and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said,
"I got lost once..."
The young man asked, "What's the most exciting thing that ever happened around here?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else exciting that happened?" "But that's what we do round here." said the farmer. "The screwing is the reward." "No, I can't print that!" the young man said. "Can you think of anything else?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Okay let's try something else. What's the most terrible thing that's ever happened around here?"
The old farmer dropped his head and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said,
"I got lost once..."
[quote name='jaykrue']A young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper that hired him was to write a human-interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.
The young man asked, "What's the most exciting thing that ever happened around here?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else exciting that happened?" "But that's what we do round here." said the farmer. "The screwing is the reward." "No, I can't print that!" the young man said. "Can you think of anything else?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Okay let's try something else. What's the most terrible thing that's ever happened around here?"
The old farmer dropped his head and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said,
"I got lost once..."[/QUOTE]
I actually laughed at that one. Well done.
The young man asked, "What's the most exciting thing that ever happened around here?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else exciting that happened?" "But that's what we do round here." said the farmer. "The screwing is the reward." "No, I can't print that!" the young man said. "Can you think of anything else?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Okay let's try something else. What's the most terrible thing that's ever happened around here?"
The old farmer dropped his head and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said,
"I got lost once..."[/QUOTE]
I actually laughed at that one. Well done.
MrBadExample
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What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog
Half a dog
One Sunday morning, a fisherman gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long-johns, grabs the dog, goes to the garage, hooks up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes for his regular Sunday fishing trip. Coming out of his garage, the rain is pouring down; it's like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph, really bad conditions for fishing.
Minutes later, he returns to the house, goes inside and turns the TV to the Weather Channel and finds it's going to be bad weather all day long. So, he puts his boat back in the garage, goes back to the bedroom, quietly undresses, slips back into bed and cuddles up to his wife's back.
Now with a different anticipation, he whispers, "The weather out there's terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Yeah; can you believe my stupid husband went out fishing?"
Minutes later, he returns to the house, goes inside and turns the TV to the Weather Channel and finds it's going to be bad weather all day long. So, he puts his boat back in the garage, goes back to the bedroom, quietly undresses, slips back into bed and cuddles up to his wife's back.
Now with a different anticipation, he whispers, "The weather out there's terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Yeah; can you believe my stupid husband went out fishing?"
There was a kid named Joey. He had a little sister named Lisa.
One day Joey was about to take a shower when his sister came in and asked to take a shower with him.
Of course, Joey said, "No way!". But then lil Lisa started to cry. Joey said, "I don't care if you cry, you STILL can't take a shower with me." So Lisa says, "I'm gonna tell Mom!" so Joey told her, "Ok, but don't look down."
Of course, kids never listen and Lisa looks down and asks, "What's that?" Joey, trying to think quick on his feet said, "That's nothing. It's just my teddy bear."
The lil sister wanted to play with it but Joey refused. Lisa said she'd tell their mom. So Joey gives in and says, "Ok, but don't squish it."
Then it was time for bed. Lisa asks to sleep with her brother. Joey says, "No way!" again. Lisa, of course, said she'd tell Mom. And Joey gives in.
Lisa then asked to play with the teddy bear again. Joey, of course, says no way. Lisa again warns that she'll tell Mom so he lets her.
Then when they woke up Joey sees blood all over the bed. He asks Lisa what happened and she said, "Your teddy bear squirted slime on me so I chopped his head off."
One day Joey was about to take a shower when his sister came in and asked to take a shower with him.
Of course, Joey said, "No way!". But then lil Lisa started to cry. Joey said, "I don't care if you cry, you STILL can't take a shower with me." So Lisa says, "I'm gonna tell Mom!" so Joey told her, "Ok, but don't look down."
Of course, kids never listen and Lisa looks down and asks, "What's that?" Joey, trying to think quick on his feet said, "That's nothing. It's just my teddy bear."
The lil sister wanted to play with it but Joey refused. Lisa said she'd tell their mom. So Joey gives in and says, "Ok, but don't squish it."
Then it was time for bed. Lisa asks to sleep with her brother. Joey says, "No way!" again. Lisa, of course, said she'd tell Mom. And Joey gives in.
Lisa then asked to play with the teddy bear again. Joey, of course, says no way. Lisa again warns that she'll tell Mom so he lets her.
Then when they woke up Joey sees blood all over the bed. He asks Lisa what happened and she said, "Your teddy bear squirted slime on me so I chopped his head off."
A man walked past a nursing home and was shocked to see six old ladies lying naked on the front lawn. His curiosity aroused, he asked to speak to the manager. "Do you know there are six old ladies lying naked on your front lawn?" "Sure do," he said. "They're all retired prostitutes holding a yard sale!"
MR ZOOTEMO
CAGiversary!
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he was feeling crumby!
Saucy Jack
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There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. Why the death? So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil........ Just when the clock struck 11....
Bob, the part-time Sunday janitor, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Bob, the part-time Sunday janitor, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
The delivery room was stunned when the baby appeared--his body weighed five pounds, but his testicles weighed another five pounds. When the head of pediatrics examined, he recommended that the child be placed in a mental institution. The head nurse sputtered. "What?! Why?" The doctor replied, "It's obvious. That child is half nuts!"
"Adam, I want you to go down into that valley." "Gladly, Lord. What's a valley?" God explained it to Adam and then said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "Lord, what's a river?" God explained it to Adam and then said, "Climb the hill." Adam asked, "Lord, what's a hill?" God explained it to Adam and then said, "On the other side of that hill there is a cave." "Lord, what's a cave?" God explained it to Adam and then said, "In that cave you will find a woman." "Lord, what's a woman?" God explained it to Adam and then said, "I want you to reproduce with that woman. Hang on! I may as well just explain that one up front!" And God explained everything about reproduction. So Adam went down into the valley, crossed the river, climbed the hill, entered the cave, and sure enough, there he found Woman. A few minutes later, he returned. God's patience was wearing thin. "Now what, Adam?" "Lord, what's a headache?"
jovherye
CAGiversary!
[quote name='angsto2']A family goes to the circus.
The little boy looks at an elephant and asks his mom.
"Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
The mom says. "That's the elephant's trunk"
The boy says, "No, the long thing further back."
The mom says, "That's the tail"
The boy says,"No, in front of that"
The mom says slightly embarassed, "Oh that, that's nothing."
The boy then turns and asks his father.
"Dad, what's that long thing on the elephant between the tail and trunk"
The dad says "That's the elephant's penis"
The boy looks up at him confused and says "Mom, said it was nothing"
The dad says "That's because your mother's spoiled"[/QUOTE]
LOL!!!!
The little boy looks at an elephant and asks his mom.
"Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
The mom says. "That's the elephant's trunk"
The boy says, "No, the long thing further back."
The mom says, "That's the tail"
The boy says,"No, in front of that"
The mom says slightly embarassed, "Oh that, that's nothing."
The boy then turns and asks his father.
"Dad, what's that long thing on the elephant between the tail and trunk"
The dad says "That's the elephant's penis"
The boy looks up at him confused and says "Mom, said it was nothing"
The dad says "That's because your mother's spoiled"[/QUOTE]
LOL!!!!
An old married couple that has been together for 60 years are reminiscing about the early years of their marriage on their front porch. They're both staring contently at the red sunset when the wife hesitantly asks,
"George, in all our years of marriage, did you ever cheat on me?"
Since they've been comfortable with each other for quite some time, the husband replies,
"Just once, dear. Just once. I was young and foolish then."
Wondering where the idea got into her head in the first place, he returns the question. The wife doesn't answer but hobbles into the house and comes out with a shoebox. She opens it and shows him the contents - 2 small husks of corn and 14 rolls of $10 bills totalling $1400. George is naturally puzzled and asks,
"Sarah, sweetie, what's all this?"
With an un-grandmotherly blush, she says,
"Well, every time I cheated, I would put a corn husk in the box."
"Ok, but what's the money for?"
Another un-grandmotherly blush and she says,
"Well, every time I had enough for a bushel, I'd sell it to the local grocery store for $2 each."
"George, in all our years of marriage, did you ever cheat on me?"
Since they've been comfortable with each other for quite some time, the husband replies,
"Just once, dear. Just once. I was young and foolish then."
Wondering where the idea got into her head in the first place, he returns the question. The wife doesn't answer but hobbles into the house and comes out with a shoebox. She opens it and shows him the contents - 2 small husks of corn and 14 rolls of $10 bills totalling $1400. George is naturally puzzled and asks,
"Sarah, sweetie, what's all this?"
With an un-grandmotherly blush, she says,
"Well, every time I cheated, I would put a corn husk in the box."
"Ok, but what's the money for?"
Another un-grandmotherly blush and she says,
"Well, every time I had enough for a bushel, I'd sell it to the local grocery store for $2 each."
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Even an old mind can think fast if given proper motivation.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Even an old mind can think fast if given proper motivation.
He grabbed me by my slender neck;
I could not even scream.
He dragged me to a dingy room,
where we could not be seen.
He stripped me of my flimsy wrap
and gazed upon my form.
I was cold, damp and scared
while he was sweaty and warm.
He pressed his feverish lips to mine;
I could not make him stop.
He drained me of my very self,
taking every drop.
He made me what I am today.
That's why you see me here.
An empty bottle thrown away,
that once was full of beer.
I could not even scream.
He dragged me to a dingy room,
where we could not be seen.
He stripped me of my flimsy wrap
and gazed upon my form.
I was cold, damp and scared
while he was sweaty and warm.
He pressed his feverish lips to mine;
I could not make him stop.
He drained me of my very self,
taking every drop.
He made me what I am today.
That's why you see me here.
An empty bottle thrown away,
that once was full of beer.
thisiswack
CAGiversary!
Q: What do waking up at 6 AM and a pig's tail have in common?
A: They're twirly.
A: They're twirly.
[quote name='thisiswack']Q: What do waking up at 6 AM and a pig's tail have in common?
A: They're twirly.[/QUOTE]
I don't get it.
Anyway, here's one for subbie.
A young man was talking to his grandfather about girls. He wanted to know what types of girls were the best kinds to be with. His grandfather replied,
"I like my women like I like my whiskey, 13 years old and all mixed up in coke"
A: They're twirly.[/QUOTE]
I don't get it.
Anyway, here's one for subbie.
A young man was talking to his grandfather about girls. He wanted to know what types of girls were the best kinds to be with. His grandfather replied,
"I like my women like I like my whiskey, 13 years old and all mixed up in coke"
sblymnlcrymnl
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[quote name='jaykrue']I don't get it.
Anyway, here's one for subbie.
A young man was talking to his grandfather about girls. He wanted to know what types of girls were the best kinds to be with. His grandfather replied,
"I like my women like I like my whiskey, 13 years old and all mixed up in coke"[/QUOTE]
Twirly = too early. It might help if you say it out loud.
Anyway, here's one for subbie.
A young man was talking to his grandfather about girls. He wanted to know what types of girls were the best kinds to be with. His grandfather replied,
"I like my women like I like my whiskey, 13 years old and all mixed up in coke"[/QUOTE]
Twirly = too early. It might help if you say it out loud.
[quote name='sblymnlcrymnl']Twirly = too early. It might help if you say it out loud.
[/QUOTE]
Ya, I guess I was saying it too fast as I didn't pick up that if you say it slow enough it would sound like 'too early' 
EDIT: here's another one I remember -
Three guys got drunk and went to sleep in the same bed. They woke the next mornin. The guy on the left said "I had a dream that someone was holdin my dick!" The guy on the right said "Me too!" The guy in the the middle said "I had a dream I was skiing."
[/QUOTE] Ya, I guess I was saying it too fast as I didn't pick up that if you say it slow enough it would sound like 'too early' EDIT: here's another one I remember -
Three guys got drunk and went to sleep in the same bed. They woke the next mornin. The guy on the left said "I had a dream that someone was holdin my dick!" The guy on the right said "Me too!" The guy in the the middle said "I had a dream I was skiing."
sblymnlcrymnl
CAGiversary!
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[quote name='mtxbass1']What's the best part about having sex with 28 year olds?
There's 20 of them.[/QUOTE]
There's 20 of them.[/QUOTE]
[quote name='mtxbass1']What's the best part about having sex with 28 year olds?
There's 20 of them.[/QUOTE]
Evil but funny. :lol:
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
There's 20 of them.[/QUOTE]
Evil but funny. :lol:
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
Mr Unoriginal
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What do you get when you push a baby down the stairs?
An erection.
An erection.
sblymnlcrymnl
CAGiversary!
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[quote name='jaykrue']While the joke itself isn't that funny, the fact that an Amish guy (that uses a computer 
s ) told it makes it all the funnier.[/QUOTE]
No, it's funny on its own. You know why? Because it's true.
s ) told it makes it all the funnier.[/QUOTE]No, it's funny on its own. You know why? Because it's true.
[quote name='sblymnlcrymnl']No, it's funny on its own. You know why? Because it's true. [/QUOTE]
Naughty! :lol:
A man was walking by two winos and couldn't help but notice that one of them had his thumb up the other one's ass. "What are you doing?" he asked the wino with his thumb up the other guy's ass. "My friend here is sick and I'm trying to make him throw up." "How in the hell is sticking your thumb up his ass going to make him throw up?" "Well, just wait until I pull it out and stick it in his mouth."
[/QUOTE]Naughty! :lol:
A man was walking by two winos and couldn't help but notice that one of them had his thumb up the other one's ass. "What are you doing?" he asked the wino with his thumb up the other guy's ass. "My friend here is sick and I'm trying to make him throw up." "How in the hell is sticking your thumb up his ass going to make him throw up?" "Well, just wait until I pull it out and stick it in his mouth."
[quote name='Kayden']I was walking by a wino one day and I saw him eating grapes... I was like, "dude, you have to wait."[/QUOTE]
Hehe, nice. :lol: Throwin' out the Mitch Hedberg is always good for a few laughs.
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him
"This is all in your mind"
and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses
"I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor tells him
"I can cure this"
and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says
"This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor what happens after when its over? The witch doctor says
"All you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!"
This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news... So he is lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", and suddenly he gets a hard-on.His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?"
Hehe, nice. :lol: Throwin' out the Mitch Hedberg is always good for a few laughs.
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him
"This is all in your mind"
and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses
"I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor tells him
"I can cure this"
and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says
"This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor what happens after when its over? The witch doctor says
"All you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!"
This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news... So he is lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", and suddenly he gets a hard-on.His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?"
Saucy Jack
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A woman walks into a bank in London and asks to see the Manager. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The Manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the woman for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The Manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
The woman replies...
"Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
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The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
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Did you hear about the 80 pound guy with 40 pound testicles? People say he was half-nuts!
The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the woman for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The Manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
The woman replies...
"Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
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Did you hear about the 80 pound guy with 40 pound testicles? People say he was half-nuts!
[quote name='Saucy Jack']A woman walks into a bank in London and asks to see the Manager. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The Manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the woman for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The Manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
The woman replies...
"Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
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Did you hear about the 80 pound guy with 40 pound testicles? People say he was half-nuts![/QUOTE]
Awesome jokes.:lol: Since it's the last day of the month I might as well bump it one last time until either a new thread is made or this one is finished off.
There was once a pirate captain who had a wooden right leg, a hooked left hand, an eyepatch over his left eye, and a wooden steering wheel sticking out of his crotch. One day, his crew was curious as to why he had all these so they urged the 1st mate to talk to the captain. So he asks the captain where his wooden leg came from. The captain said,
"Arrrr! This be from a shark attack off the Caspian Sea!"
So the first mate then asks where he got the hooked hand from and the captain replied,
"Arrrr! This be from a freak cannon accident in Cuba!"
So the first mate then asks where he got the eyepatch from and the captain tells him,
"Arrrr! This be from a duel in Barbados!"
So then he asks the captain one last time what's the wooden steering wheel for? The captain says,
"Arrrr! This be from a bad case of crabs on me balls. It's drivin' me nuts!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4 beautiful women get in a car accident and meet St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells them that they must confess their sins before God and wash the body part that commited the sin before being allowed in heaven. So the redheaded chick whispers in St. Peter's ears,
"I once saw a man naked."
He tells her, "Wash your eyes and pass through the heavenly gates."
Next is the black-haired girl and she whispers in St. Peter's ears,
"I once heard a man masturbate."
"Wash your ears and pass through the heavenly gates."
All of a sudden, St. Peter hears a commotion going on. He demands to know what is the meaning of all this. The beautiful brunette says,
"Well she was in front of me but I think I should go first. I mean I should be able to wash my mouth in the holy water before that blonde bitch sits in it."
The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the woman for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The Manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
The woman replies...
"Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the 80 pound guy with 40 pound testicles? People say he was half-nuts![/QUOTE]
Awesome jokes.
:lol: Since it's the last day of the month I might as well bump it one last time until either a new thread is made or this one is finished off.There was once a pirate captain who had a wooden right leg, a hooked left hand, an eyepatch over his left eye, and a wooden steering wheel sticking out of his crotch. One day, his crew was curious as to why he had all these so they urged the 1st mate to talk to the captain. So he asks the captain where his wooden leg came from. The captain said,
"Arrrr! This be from a shark attack off the Caspian Sea!"
So the first mate then asks where he got the hooked hand from and the captain replied,
"Arrrr! This be from a freak cannon accident in Cuba!"
So the first mate then asks where he got the eyepatch from and the captain tells him,
"Arrrr! This be from a duel in Barbados!"
So then he asks the captain one last time what's the wooden steering wheel for? The captain says,
"Arrrr! This be from a bad case of crabs on me balls. It's drivin' me nuts!"
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4 beautiful women get in a car accident and meet St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells them that they must confess their sins before God and wash the body part that commited the sin before being allowed in heaven. So the redheaded chick whispers in St. Peter's ears,
"I once saw a man naked."
He tells her, "Wash your eyes and pass through the heavenly gates."
Next is the black-haired girl and she whispers in St. Peter's ears,
"I once heard a man masturbate."
"Wash your ears and pass through the heavenly gates."
All of a sudden, St. Peter hears a commotion going on. He demands to know what is the meaning of all this. The beautiful brunette says,
"Well she was in front of me but I think I should go first. I mean I should be able to wash my mouth in the holy water before that blonde bitch sits in it."
Vampire Hunter D
CAGiversary!
Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital - one day- while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool - Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end - he sank like a stone to the bottom and stayed there - Mary promptly jumped in to save him - she swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out - when the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act - he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital - as he now considered her to be mentally stable- when he went to tell her the news - he said - Mary - I have good news and bad news - the good news is your'e being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient - I think you have regained your senses- the bad news is that Jim - the patient you saved - hung himself in the bathroom with the belt of his robe- I am sorry but he is dead - Mary replied - he didn't hang himself - I put him there to dry
bread's done