Joke wars! Winter 2005!

- Why do pedophiles love Halloween?
- Free delivery.

A man dies and goes to Hell. The Devil takes him to a hallway with three doors.

"You have your choice of one of these three rooms for where you're going to spend all of Eternity!"

The first room is full of people standing on their heads on a brick floor.

"I'm not going to spend all of Eternity doing that!" says the sinner. "That looks uncomfortable."

The second room is full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor.

"Welll, that looks a little better, but let's see what the third room is like."

The third room is full of people up to their waists in raw sewage drinking coffee.

"Well that's pretty gross" , says the sinner. "But I think I like this room better than the other two."

So the Devil puts him in the room and locks the door. Right after that, the Head Demon of the room calls out:

"ALL RIGHT! COFFEE BREAK'S OVER! EVERYONE BACK ON YOUR HEADS!"
 
One day at the hospital there was an expectant father waiting for the delivery of his newborn child.
He waits and waits until finally the doctor comes out to announce the news.The father says:"Hey doc! Is it a boy? A girl? I want to see my new baby!".
The doctor replies: "Well first I want to inform you that there had been some complications." The father is distraught and asks:"What kind of complications? Is the child alive?". The doctor reassures him that the child is indeed alive but has been born without any arms. The father says:"Oh dear that's horrible! But it's my child and I would like to see him!" The doctor says "Well before you go in, there was unfortunately another problem: the child was born without any legs as well!". The father says: "Oh no.. that will be such a burden on the poor thing.. but I'll love it all the same! Now let me see my baby!" The doctor replies: "Well before you do, you should brace yourself because the baby was born without a torso as well!". So the father says:
"Well now I HAVE to see this kid!" The doctor leads himn into the delivery room and on the table sitting there is just a huge, giant eyeball and nothing else. The father despairingly says: "Oh no doctor, what could be worse than this?" The doctor replies:"It's blind!".
 
Your mammas so dumb she tripped over a cordless phone.


When the Body was first made all parts wanted to be Boss.The brain said, "I should be boss cause i control the whole bodys responses and functions." The feet said "We should be boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said "We should be boss because we earn all the money and do all the work." And so it went on with the heart,lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss.So the asshole went on strike,blocked itself up and refused to work.Within a short time the eyes became crossed,the hands clenched,the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be boss so the motion was passed.All other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit.Morale of the story:You dont need brains to be boss-any asshole will do.




So this baby seal walks into a club.
 
The Reading Test

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without making a mistake.

The average person can't.


This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is a cat.
This is dumbass cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.


Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down and I betcha you can't resist passing it on...
 
The seven dwarves go to the pope, all excited like and ask him, "Pope, pope, are there any midget nuns in Italy?" He responds, "No my sons there are no midget nuns in Italy."

They then ask him, "Pope, pope, are there any midget nuns in Europe?" He says to them, "No, I'm sorry, there are no midget nuns in Europe."

Next they ask him, "Pope, pope, are there any midget nuns in the entire world?" He shakes his head and says, "No, there aren't any midget nuns in the entire world."

The dwarves start chanting, "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!"
 
[quote name='Vampire Hunter D']The Reading Test

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without making a mistake.

The average person can't.


This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is a cat.
This is dumbass cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.


Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down and I betcha you can't resist passing it on...[/QUOTE]

Bastard.:applause::lol:
 
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp, partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and rubs the sand off of it. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes, and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly, he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

The Klansmen walk off. As they're walking away, they remove their hoods, and it's the two blonde genies...

One blonde genie says to the other one..."Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"
 
Two men are driving through Georgia when they get pulled over by a State Trooper.

The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK! The cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

"What the hell was that for," the driver asks.

"You're in Georgia, Boy," the trooper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, Officer," the driver says, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean--and gives the guy his license back.

The trooper THEN walks around to the passenger side and taps on the
window.

The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK! The trooper smacks HIM on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for," the passenger asks.

"Just making your wish come true," replies the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true," the passenger asks.

"Because I know that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!
 
So this couple was about to get married. They get in a limo and are headed to the church, when the next thing they know they're in Heaven waiting at the Pearly Gates. So they go up to St. Peter and ask what happened, and he tells them that the limo was in a terrible accident and they died and now they're there.

So they were disappointed because they really wanted to get married and they were extremely in love so they ask St. Peter if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter looks at them and say, "You know what, I don't know." They tell him that they would really like to get married and ask him if he could find out for them. So he goes off to find out.

Well a couple hours go by, no St. Peter. A day goes by. Still no St. Peter. A few days go by, and the couple get to talking about marriage and such. Then one asks the other, "Well, what if we're just not compatible? What happens if we want a divorce? Can we get a divorce in heaven?" So they agree not to worry about it, and they'll just ask St. Peter when he gets back.

A couple weeks go by, still no St. Peter. Finally, three months go by and St. Peter finally comes back. He says, "I have great news. Yes, you can get married!" And at hearing that the couple is very happy. Then they ask, "Well, St. Peter, we were wondering. What happens if it turns out that we're not compatible? Is it possible to get a divorce in heaven?"

St. Peter looks at them and says, "It took me three months to find a priest up here, you know how long it's going to take me to find a lawyer!?!?"
 
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were
killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously
watching as the
President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a
brazillion?"
 
[quote name='Xevious']Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were
killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously
watching as the
President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a
brazillion?"[/QUOTE]
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Holy shit, I'm crying now!
 
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up--fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gaybar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David, "He plays for the Minnesota Vikings, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.
 
[quote name='Kayden']Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up--fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gaybar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David, "He plays for the Minnesota Vikings, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.[/QUOTE]

Umm... repost?
http://www.cheapassgamer.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1364249&postcount=311

Just kidding with you. :)


A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber.

When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend."
 
[quote name='Saucy Jack']Umm... repost?
http://www.cheapassgamer.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1364249&postcount=311

Just kidding with you. :)


A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber.

When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend."[/QUOTE]

Heh, that reminds me of a personal story. I was had sex with one girl one day and threw the 'evidence' in the garbage. The next day, I had sex with another girl and when she was in the bathroom, she saw the old condom from the previous day. :shock: She came out and asked me about it and I said my roommate probably used it. The best part is thats the truth. My roommate was a girl. :cool:
 
[quote name='Kayden']Heh, that reminds me of a personal story. I was had sex with one girl one day and threw the 'evidence' in the garbage. The next day, I had sex with another girl and when she was in the bathroom, she saw the old condom from the previous day. :shock: She came out and asked me about it and I said my roommate probably used it. The best part is thats the truth. My roommate was a girl. :cool:[/QUOTE]

:applause:
 
[quote name='Kayden']Heh, that reminds me of a personal story. I was had sex with one girl one day and threw the 'evidence' in the garbage. The next day, I had sex with another girl and when she was in the bathroom, she saw the old condom from the previous day. :shock: She came out and asked me about it and I said my roommate probably used it. The best part is thats the truth. My roommate was a girl. :cool:[/QUOTE]


I remember that...I had to wash my towel...why did you let her use MY towel? ugh. And that was the same girl that gave you the hickey the day we moved in together?
 
Gamer's Girlfriend said:
I remember that...I had to wash my towel...why did you let her use MY towel? ugh. And that was the same girl that gave you the hickey the day we moved in together?
Click to expand...
:whistle2:\"
Dont know what you're talking about....
:whistle2:\"




.....:fridge:
 
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