Jokes

LordKefka06

CAGiversary!
Title is self explanatory.

Post the best jokes you know. If they're original, please say so.

Originally Posted by Some noob from Gametrailers:
My penis is so big if I laid it on the keyboard it would go from A to Z.
That was taken from some guy's signature from CAG.
 
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I know this isn't originally by me but I heard it from someone:

A blond walks into a bar with a puzzle of Elmo framed in a picture frame and sits it on the table she is sitting at. Then, a couple of more come in and sit with her. About 10 minutes later another set of blondes walk in and they start to high five one another simply enjoy themselves together at the table. So, one of them walks up to the bartender to order a drink and he asks what all the noise is about and she says, "The box for the puzzle said 3 to 5 years and it only took us a year to put it together."
 
In Mexico, why don't they ever have Sex Ed. and Driver's Ed. on the same day?
It would be too hard on the donkey.

What's a Mexican pregnancy test?
Shove a burrito up a pregnant Mexican woman's vagina and see if it comes out half-eaten.

Why do Jews have such big noses?
Air is free.

How does a black woman keep flies off of her food when she's eating outside?
She pulls down her pants.

How do Chinese people name their children?
They throw pots and pans down the stairs and listen to what sounds they make. "Ping dong ching..."

*I got the 3rd one from Drawn Together, the rest were told to me.
 
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*braces for many good laughs coming from this thread*

Chuck Norris is already dead, it's just that 'The Grim Reaper' is too afraid to take him. (A friend & I came up with that.)
 
A hardcore stoner stumbles upon a genie lamp. He rubs it and a genie comes out and says the usual "You have three wishes." To see if it's a real genie the stoner wishes for a cheeseburger, and all of a sudden a cheeseburger appears in his hands, so he figures the genie's real. So, he says "I wish for a never-ending joint." The genie grants him his wish. The stoner takes one hit and he says, "Sweet, I wish for another one."
 
From Boondock Saints:

A white guy, a black guy and a Mexican are walking and stumble upon a magic lamp. As usual, the genie grants them each a wish. The Mexican goes first and says that he wishes all of his people could be back in Mexico and all be happy. The genie grants his wish. The black guy wishes for all his people to be back in Africa and to all be happy as well. The genie grants his wish. The genie then asks the white guy what he wants.

"So, you mean all the Mexicans and blacks are gone from America?"
"Yeah."
"Well...then I'll take a Coke."

From QJ:

A construction worker is working on the fourth floor of an unfinished building. He then discovers that he needs a saw, but doesn't have one. He tries to yell to his friend on the ground, but his friend motions at his ear, meaning he can't hear him. So the guy on the fourth floor begins to make motions too. He points to his eye, meaning "I", then points to his knee, meaning "need", and then makes the motion of a saw going back and forth. His friend on the ground,\ seems to understand him, so he gives the "OK" symbol, then drops his pants and starts masturbating. The guy on the fourth floor is shocked, so runs down to the ground to confront his friend.

"Hey, what the hell man, I was just trying to tell you that I needed a saw."
"I know, I was just trying to tell you that I was coming."

From a friend:

Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.

If a man runs over a woman on his motorcycle, who's fault is it?
The man's fault. He shouldn't be riding a motorcycle in the kitchen.

What's a Jew's greatest dilemma?
Free pork.

EDIT: Sorry if these offend anybody. Nobody here is trying to being racist/sexist, it's just all good fun.
 
yes, I forgot to add that. Don't worry about racist/sexist jokes. As long as you personly don't say Anything offensive.
 
I forget where I heard this, but I like it:

A teenage girl calls up her boyfriend and asks him to dinner that night with her parents. She also informs him that afterward they will perform the reproductive act for the first time.

This obviously excites the boy and he rushes to the pharmacy to prepare for the upcoming deed.

The boy is young and inexperienced and is bewildered by the myriad of choices he finds in the reproductive health aisle.

The pharmacist sees the boy's puzzlement and asks if he needs any assistance. The boy explains his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist explains things and then asks if the boy has made his selection. The boy informs the pharmacist that he needs the 12 pack as he expects to be needing them.

Fast forward to that night, the boy shows up at the girlfriend's home. She greets him at the door and they sit down for dinner. The girlfriend's mother asks the boy to say grace. The table bows their heads and the boy says grace. After he finishes, the rest of the table looks up to see the boy, head down, still praying feverently.

Five minutes pass, and the boy is still praying. Ten minutes pass and no change. Finally, the girlfriend nudges the boy and whispers "I didn't know you were so religious". The boyfriend then whispers back "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist."
 
Friend sent this to me in an email.

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."
 
[quote name='blader16']yes, I forgot to add that. Don't worry about racist/sexist jokes. As long as you personly don't say Anything offensive.[/QUOTE]

Best joke of the thread. ;)
 
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Feminists can't change anything.

(I cannot for the life of me remember where I got that from, but it has greatly polarized the genders who have heard it)
 
I got plenty!!!

Start with a Chuck Norris to follow suit: Chuck Norris blows bubbles with beef jerky. (found on a school folder for $0.25 at walmart)

One night Blader16 (OP), cheapy D and I are crusing around in my new porsche. We get pulled over and the officer asks, 'you know how fast you were going?' 'Hell yeah' I say, 'This porsche is sweet huh!?' Officer replies, 'that it is, so I'll make ya a deal. If your dicks measure 20 inches or more I'll let you off'

So I go first and just lay it across the hood of the car *thump*!! '10 inches' says the officer 'not bad, blader16, your next.' *thump* !! '9 inches' I say ' sweet, come on cheapy D, let's get this over with and get out of here.' Cheapy steps up *bing* !! Officer measures...'1 inch!!! well a deals a deal, get out of here guys'

Driving away, blader16 and I look back at cheapy. 'what the hell was that!?' Cheapy exclaims, 'I'm just glad you guys went first so I had time to get hard!'
(It's a good bar joke. That's where my landlord told it to me, so the origin is anyones guess)




Some guys are sitting at a bar wasted when one guy says he has to go to the bathroom to take a shit. After many falls and stumbles he makes it down the hall. Minutes later they hear a blood curdling scream. 'Is he alright?' the barkeep asks. 'Yeah, he gets crazy when he drinks, don't mind him' one of the friends answers. Few minutes later the scream is heard again. 'I have to check on him for legal reasons' the barkeep explains.

Upon opening the door the drunk man cries 'What's up with your toilets man. Every time I flush, a hand comes up and just crushes my balls!!!' Bartender says 'Dumbass, your sitting on the mop bucket!!!'
(one of my oldies but goodies, source unknown)

disclaimer: I'll stay away from racist jokes and don't intend to hurt anyones girly feelings:)
 
How many indie kids does it take to change a light bulb?

It's a really obscure number, you probably wouldn't know.

What's the most unrealistic thing about the Harry Potter movies?

A ginger with 2 friends.
 
This one was a forward from my uncle. It's funny no matter what side you're on. :D

After a President has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one. So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it. They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note. Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message. Now there was complete panic in the oval office. They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer. A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code. After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note. Bush chuckled and replied: 'Dude....You're holding it upside down!'

370H-SSV-0773H


EDIT: One more forward that I thought was funny.

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2009!!

7. A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn good

6. It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

5. A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.

4. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

3. The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

2. A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

1. A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering..... When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
 
Stolen from Phil at QJ.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICUL T TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing
 
It is early Christmas morning as little Susie tip toes out of her room towards her brother, Johnny's, room. She quietly goes into his room and walks over to his bed.

"Johnny, Johnny it's Christmas morning. Lets go downstairs and look at the presents before Mom and Dad get up" whispers Susie.

"That is a great idea. Lets go" says Johnny.

Quietly, they sneak down the stair. They peak around the corner into the living room. There, underneth the Christmas tree, is a huge pile of Christmas presents.

"Wow" they say together, as they stare at the big pile of presents.

"Lets go through them and see how many we have" says Johnny.

"Okay" says Susie.

So they start going through the presents and making piles for each of them.

One for Susie.
One for Johnny.
One for Susie.
One for Johnny.

After about 10 minutes they finish going through the presents. They step back to look at their piles of presents. Susie's pile was much bigger than Johnny's pile.

"Ha ha, I have more presents than you" teases Susie.

Johnny looks at his presents. Then he looks at Susie's presents. Then back to his. Then back to Susie's.

He turns to his little sister and says
"Ha ha, I don't have leukemia."

------------------
A friend use to tell this one. If you tell it to someone you have to say it quietly as if you were narrating on Christmas morning. It makes it funnier imo.
 
I heard a funny blonde joke the other day (sry blondes...)

The brunette sister tells her blonde sister that she slept with a brazilian man. The Blonde sister said "OMG U SLUT!" "How many is a brazilian?"
 
So there was a daughter that really really wanted to go to prom, but the only problem was that she didn't have a car. So she goes up to her dad and asks him if she can borrow the car. The dad replies, "No!" & he turns his back. So the daughter tries again by saying, "But PLEASEEEE daddy. This means a lot to me & you'd be the best dad if you did." So her dad said, "Well if you really want to borrow the car, you'll have to give me head...." The daughter replied by saying, "WTF DAD!" & she ran off to her room crying.

Later her date called her telling her how much he loves her & that he really wants to see her. This makes her go back to her dad and give into his wishes. When she unzipped him and was about to, she said, "Dad, why does your dick smell like shit." He replied, "You're brother borrowed the car earlier...."
 
Greatest joke ever, told to me by my algebra 2 teacher:

Why can't math teachers get constipated?

They can always work it out with a pencil
 
Looking back on it, I'm really sorry about posting that. I have a really sick type of humor & don't really get offended by anything.

Ill look over my jokes before I post them next time.

And man, I still can't stop laughing about that 20 inch. penis police joke. I don't think CheapyD would aprove. :D
 
Women's rights. ;)

---------

Supposedly, if you play a Microsoft CD-ROM backwards, you can hear Satanic messages. But that's nothing. If you play it forwards, it'll install Windows. :O

---------
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were,

"Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:

"Hold my beer and watch this!"

----------

Wade Boggs, Steve Garvey and Pete Rose are in a bar.

A pretty woman walks by and Boggs says, "I'm going to ask her out."

Garvey replied, "You can't do that, she's carrying my baby."

To which Rose added, "You wanna bet?"

-----------

Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says, "Catch some chickens."

The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."

The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."

The old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."
 
Didja hear about the time me and my friends went camping?
Dude! It was in-tents! (say it out loud if you don't get it.)

Didja hear about the time I had to send back the chicken salad at a restaurant; it was too fowl.

What is a dentists favorite time of day?
Tooth-Hurty
 
A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the bartender looks up and says "Hey that things neat! Where'd you get it?" To which the parrot replied "In Africa, they're fucking everywhere!"
 
from the sopranos:

a chinese immigrant is having trouble seeing so he goes to see his doctor. The doctor says "You have cataract" and the chinaman says "no, I drive a Rincoln"
 
Alright, obligatory old, only slightly funny, and corny as hell joke.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.


On to the real joke:

A blonde goes into the local electronics store, and walks up to a display. A few minutes later, a worker walks up, and the blonde says "I'd like to buy this tv, please." The worker responds "I'm sorry, I don't sell to blondes."

So the blonde, miffed, goes home, and dies her hair brown. The next day she goes back to the store and again goes to the display and asks the worker "Can I buy this tv, please?". He responds with, "I'm sorry, I don't sell to blondes".

Again, the blonde goes home, and dies her hair, this time red. The next day, she goes back to the store, and again asks the worker at the display, "Can I please buy this tv, I need it now!" He responds, again, with "I'm sorry, I don't sell to blondes". At this point she snaps and says "WHY WON'T YOU SELL ME THIS TV". He responds, very calmly, "Because, maam,
that's a microwave "
 
I just thought of such a good joke, but sadly I forgot it right when I was about to post it.

This'll serve as a bump.

tumblr_ks5htt9G7M1qzn8w2o1_400.jpg

white-people-stole-my-car.png
 
Was listening to NPR a week or so back and the show host told this joke from his son.

What sound do space turkeys make?

Hubble! Hubble!
 
After watching his team get destroyed during the first half, a football coach is addressing his team at halftime. "You guys are the biggest bunch of pussies I've ever seen in my life! I bet not one of you are man enough to do this.."

Suddenly, the coach reached into a locker and pulled out a giant snapping turtle. The coach then pulled down his pants and let the turtle snap down and hang from his cock. After a couple of minutes had passed by the coach poked the turtle in the eye and it fell to the floor.

The coach walked up to his quarterback and asked, "Son, are man enough to do that?". The quarterback replied, "No sir!" Then he asked his biggest offensive lineman who said, "No way!" Finally the coach went up to his fastest received and said, "Son, can you do that?" The receiver replied, "I can, but you don't have to poke me in eye".
 
In her last moments, Farah Fawcett gave her dying wish for god to protect all the children of the world.

Shortly after, Michael Jackson died.
 
After Michael Jackson died ^^^^, they cremated him, but there was a lot of leftover plastic. So they decided to make all his plastic into legos & sell them to the children. So now the children finally get a chance to play with him.
 
Two peanuts walked down a dark alley, one was a
salted
???

A giraffe walks into a bar, bartendrs asks want a long neck, giraffe says do I have a choice!.
 
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: It shouldn't take more than one person to do this task, regardless of hair color.

---

Q: How do you get 500 midgets into a Volkswagon?

A: You have to manufacture a Volkswagon large enough to accomidate 500 midgets. It wouldn't be street-legal, but at least the problem of getting 500 midgets into a Volkswagon is solved.

---

Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A terrible tragedy. Even lawyers have families, friends, and loved ones that will miss them from this suspicious drowning.

---

Q: What did the rug say to the carpet?

A: Nothing, neither can talk. If they could talk, hypothetically, they would probably talk about the state of our nation and how to improve things.
 
Great thread.

Although, i think macheezmo is not doing it right maybe...

use this one when u are with ur lady in bed and she is having a migraine (yea rite) when its time for some horizantal break dancing.

u - Your head hurts, babe?
wife - yea..migraine.
u - your just in luck, i just crushed up some aspirin and sprinkled it on my dick. did u want to take it orally or as a suppository?


a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his zipper hole. He sits down and tells the bartender, "ArgH!! i'll have a jack and coke."
the bartender makes the drink and eyes the suspicious character. He hesitantly questions the pirates appearance.."dude, u do realize u have a steering wheel coming out of your crotch."
"Argh...it's driving me nuts."


kefka, i wanna read ur inappopriate/offensive joke
 
Two Irishman are adrift in a life raft after their fishing boat sank 20 miles off the coast. With their food and water running out, Patty desperately rubbed the old lamp that was one of the few items they saved from their boat. To their amazement, an old genie appeared. "I'm sorry boys, but I'm so old and tired I can only give you but one wish with my fading powers." Without blinking an eye Murphy cries out "I wish to turn the entire ocean into beer!" In an instant the ocean turn a light amber color. Patty smacks Murphy upside his head and yells "Great job ya idiot! Now where are we supposed to pee?"
 
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