Marriage trouble? Or am I overreacting?

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[quote name='JimmieMac']If you don't nip this in the bud now and she ends up fuckin this guy you gotta kill them both and two bodies is one too many to have to dump in a hurry.[/QUOTE]

:rofl:

In all seriousness, I agree. You need to confront her about this. It's an emotional affair, and it's fucking with you just as much as if you suspected her of bumping uglies with a guy offline. I guarantee you, she will not respond well to it, either shifting the blame to you or vomiting with rage, but whatever her reaction, you need to exchange words with this cyber-hussy.
 
Allow me to chime in, been married now for many a year.......you wont find your answer here on the interwebs. This sounds like a serious problem and while I can understand you wanna talk about it with some sympathetic CAG's, you need to find Cheap Ass MarriageCounseling.

Not knowing anything about your wife or you or your home situation (are you just making ends meet, was your wife a go-out-alot girl before the baby, are you a total bastard to live with, etc) its kinda hard to offer advice except to say this:

Your wife sounds like she is experiencing the Grass-is-Greener effect. She is spending alot of time in a fantasy world with her new fantasy boyfriend who, no doubt, tells her everything she wants to hear. She, in real life, has a baby..has you...some money troubles you mentioned recently....she's either bored, or stressed and looking for some kind of escapism. Its time to sit down and talk, preferrably with someone watching the baby so you aren't distracted. You need to say "Look, I know we're going through a tough time now...you're doing some things that I'm aware of and I understand you need some room to breathe, but I think we need to really think about whats going on here", that kinda thing. If you go in guns-blazing (figuratively, accusing her of having an online affair or what have you) you may as well just call a lawyer directly and save yourself the agony of a heart-to-heart talk.

The real issue here is: Is she neglecting the baby? Thats the innocent party in all of this. I would suggest you cut to the chase since this problem wont ever be solved on its own, since now trust is gone in the relationship.

Speak to a marriage counselor.....if she wont do it, tell her its time for you and she to go your seperate ways. Hard though that may be, think of your child since thats the innocent party, and if your wife is doing things behind your back, and wont snap out of it, its time to accept reality and do whats best for the child, because happy parents = happy kids.

Good Luck.
 
First off, I'm really sorry you had to go through marriage trouble over a online game. I had a female friend who went the same thing (minus the marriage). All I can tell you is, if you don't react now and try to work the marriage out, I think it'll get only worst.

My friend was in a relationship with a guy for about 4 years, and then his friend introduce him to WoW. From that point on, the relationship went downhill. It wasn't until a year later when I had to persuade her to leave the relationship because she was only going to be miserable from that point on. Now she's a WoW widow, but she's happier with her life (and she don't want to meet with anyone who is a gamer). It's funny to think she lost a boyfriend to an online game, but there are people out there who got divorces over it.

I would treat this as if your wife is an alcoholic. Maybe get some support and have an intervention. First, she has to admit and realize she has a problem before she gets any help. I think at this point, she's giving herself to the game so much that the online game is her life.

Good luck. I hope your wife will come around and the marriage will last for many years to come. I would hate to lose my husband / boyfriend over pixels.
 
I think it really depends how bad this financial situation because at this point she is not the women you married, probably a slob and you couldn't care less about her.Does she even work? Can you support yourself and a daughter in an apartment? I highly recommend leaving she isn't worth staying and your daughter will be with the right parent. Hell your stupid wife might try to hurt your daughter for this "internet man" Leave her because she is probably leeching off you and you have little to gain. Your daughter is 2 its not a big deal to move now.
 
It's the rare occasion that I agree w/ JimmieMac but he's right: MAN THE fuck UP. It's different from being single and messing around w/ several chicks. Marriage is a commitment... unfortunately, it's a 2-person commitment. You could be the most loyal, loving, perfect husband & father in the whole universe and it still won't be enough to live up to a fantasy ideal. Plus, as many have said, she's in a state of 'grass-is-greener' syndrome. She's checking out her options to upgrade. It's especially evident in that she's trying to find what she's lacking in the real world. Admittedly, though mmorpgs have an addictive nature, even I can pull myself away from the computer & spent time w/ family, friends, and fcuk buddies and I love video games.

If you're seriously worried about what's going on w/ your wife, talk to her family and tell them the truth. If you have her family on your side, all the better to help deal with the coming storm. Tell your wife to seek couple counseling at the very minimum. I'll be blunt, I don't see this ending well. Right now, you should be in damage control. Keep any & all records of her infidelities (and it probably will happen eventually), start transferring any money you put into joint accounts into an individual one because once the divorce hits, it's gonna be ugly. Your best weapon is being prepared. Better to be prepared and nothing happens than to watch your marriage crumble while being impotent to do anything about it.
 
[quote name='Heavy Hitter']Does not compute.[/quote]

So, trying to get along w/ her family and getting them on your side is unmanly? What alternate reality are you from?
 
[quote name='jaykrue']So, trying to get along w/ her family and getting them on your side is unmanly? What alternate reality are you from?[/QUOTE]

The same one you are apparently. The chance of getting her family on your(OP's) side are so bad it's not worth the effort.

OP Myke is right, go to a counselor and remember that the most important person is the child. If you man up and make it you vs her right now you will lose.
 
To take Jimmie's advice I also recommend saying

WHAT"S WRONG WITH YOU?! TALKING TO ME LIKE THAT? If she tries to say "Don't start with me I'm not in the mood" While doing her feminine bullshit you start smacking her and say "DON"T YOU EVER TALK TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN YOU UNDERSTAND?!

I also recommend changing some of the internet settings so it's a problem on this end, one that the tech support won't be able to fix without seeing directly. Block the ports the game uses, block remote networking, block the IM clients and just basically disable the machine until you get some conversation going.
 
Like jaykrue said, talk to her family about it. That will help you be able to talk to her about it and have some sort of intervention. If she's really playing this game all the time and neglects you and your kid then she needs to quit and if you can get backup from her family and/or friends then she won't be as able to make it your problem rather than hers. If you can get her to realize the problem then you can get her to go to marriage counseling, which could help as well.

In the end, if she doesn't want to be in the relationship then she's not going to be, no matter how manly or controlling you decide to become to try to keep her in it. You have to remember that this dude online isn't stealing something from you, she's not a belonging, she's a person and a willing participant in whatever she's doing online. You have to resolve whatever problem she thinks there is in your relationship that's causing her to do it.
 
[quote name='sp00ge']I'm really putting myself out here with this one and showing a side I rarely ever do with anyone. So please, keep the threadcrap to a minimum, although I know it will come.

Just to get it out of the way, my wife and I have been married for 5.5 years and have a 2.5 year old daughter. That being said, here's my issue.

Over the past few months, my wife really started getting involved in an online MMORPG-style game (not WoW or anything mainstream). I'm not going to mention the name because I'm sure someone on here plays and I don't want her being informed. She is spending unbelievable amounts of time playing this game and over the past month or so, things seemed to be really weird with us. Intimacy has been almost nil, maybe once every two weeks or so.

This past week, we had a little bit of a financial situation that we were both equally at fault for. Suddenly, it was all my fault, she's tired of being stuck in a rut, etc, etc. Absolute one-side allegations and blame over somewhat futile things. Then she threatens to leave me. We go about 7 hours without talking, and we start talking things out.

We go to bed and when I get up in the morning, she's in the office talking to her mom bitching about the one-sided BS again. I walk downstairs and she quickly tries changing the subject, like she was planning thanksgiving dinner with her mom. I told her to not bother, I heard everything. We get into it really bad again, but things seemed to have resolved. The day passes and she goes to bed.

My curiosity gets the better of me, so I check her chat and IRC logs and "hol-y shit." Apparently, one of the guys she spends alot of time chatting with proposed to her in the game and she accepted. Now she is spending all this time, neglecting her real marriage, planning this virtual wedding. I haven't told her that I know about this whole wedding, the date of it, and everything else that's been going on behind my back.

We have since patched everything up, or so it seems. Make-up sex, however, proved otherwise. It still seems like she's not into this current marriage and she's feigning her sincerity.

Now my question is, am I overreacting? I mean, she spends countless hours online, in this game and chatting on IRC, with the people she plays with. Do I let it all out? Do I hold off and keep checking her logs and see if things change? Do I go incognito and become part of this community and catch her red-handed? Take her ass on Maury and give her a lie-detector test?

I really don't know where to turn. I want things to go back to normal, mainly because I don't want to have limited contact with my daughter.

Bring it on. I want good advice, but I could also use a good laugh.[/QUOTE]


I don't think there is nothing to be really worried about at this time. You have a wife who is a MMORPG addict. I was totally into SWG when it came out and played it for 2 years until changes made it no longer fun and people I knew started leaving. I met this one chick who apparently made friends with someone on the sims online and eventually migrated over to swg.. Eventually the two had sex and a baby together...all because of SWG/Sims Online.

All relationships go up and down all the time. I wouldn't worry about her getting married online in a MMORPG. Rarely do people get hooked up in real life after doing such things. It's just a game, eventually people get bored of it and move on.

Despite everything, I think perhaps you should take your wife to a nice romantic dinner to smooth things over no matter who started the situation. Or if you can cook really good, make something really fancy. Fondue is fun and believe me women dig it. :)

Don't worry too much about it, I don't think your relationship is headed towards divorce. After 5.5 years and a 2.5 year old kid, I don't think it will happen. Yea sure reports indicate that 50% of all marriages in the US end up in divorce, but that shouldn't scare you. Nothing is worse then being divorced and paying child support. I have a good friend in Florida who was paying child support to his ex-wife and fighting her for years in a custody battle over there kids...It was crazy but him and his new wife made it thru now there kids are 18 and over. It works out in the end, as long as the two of you don't give up.
 
[quote name='Blitz']The same one you are apparently. The chance of getting her family on your(OP's) side are so bad it's not worth the effort.[/quote]

So just because it's her family, it's automatically assumed they'll take her side? Not to mention the fact that the guy is trying to preserve his marriage while she's the one making it crumble? Unless he's somehow completely alienated her side of the family, I would think the family would be a bit more sympathetic towards him & his situation. And it's bullshit not making the effort to get her family to take stock of the situation & sympathize. Unless it's an abusive relationship, it's always worth the effort to get the opposite party's family to help, especially to salvage a marriage.
 
[quote name='ITDEFX']I met this one chick who apparently made friends with someone on the sims online and eventually migrated over to swg.. Eventually the two had sex and a baby together...all because of SWG/Sims Online.


Yea sure reports indicate that 50% of all marriages in the US end up in divorce, but that shouldn't scare you. Nothing is worse then being divorced and paying child support. [/quote]

Way to cheer him up.
 
Sounds like my marriage in a sesnse. Start saving her chats for your own records. Take note of things she does, so if the worst were to happen, you have something behind any adulterous claims she may deny. Also, record how many hours she plays the game, as it may be helpful if you need to prove neglect for any custody battle that may arise.

I don't mean to be negative, and I hope it's nothing.

I'm in Japan, and my wife was secretly in a virtual relationship with her ex-boyfriend back home in the States. All the same stuff, no sex, no interest, acting suspiciously. She would sit on PC all day, and ignore my then 3 and 1yo all day, then go to bed when I got home from work. While I was deployed in Iraq, she sent me divorce papers, and took my kids with her. She thought she was smart taking the hard drive out of the computer, but forgot to change her IRC passwords, and web info, so I have tons of conversations logged :) Along with other incriminating stuff that pretty much made her submit to joint custody.

I pray for the best with your marriage, and hope that she comes to her senses. Mostly, focus on your daughter, as she's the most precious thing in the world.
 
[quote name='drone8888']Sounds like my marriage in a sesnse. Start saving her chats for your own records. Take note of things she does, so if the worst were to happen, you have something behind any adulterous claims she may deny. Also, record how many hours she plays the game, as it may be helpful if you need to prove neglect for any custody battle that may arise.

I don't mean to be negative, and I hope it's nothing.

I'm in Japan, and my wife was secretly in a virtual relationship with her ex-boyfriend back home in the States. All the same stuff, no sex, no interest, acting suspiciously. She would sit on PC all day, and ignore my then 3 and 1yo all day, then go to bed when I got home from work. While I was deployed in Iraq, she sent me divorce papers, and took my kids with her. She thought she was smart taking the hard drive out of the computer, but forgot to change her IRC passwords, and web info, so I have tons of conversations logged :) Along with other incriminating stuff that pretty much made her submit to joint custody.

I pray for the best with your marriage, and hope that she comes to her senses. Mostly, focus on your daughter, as she's the most precious thing in the world.[/QUOTE]


wow that was a shitty situation man
 
My wife went through a similar phase. Fortunately there were no children involved. She met some guy on an online game and they secretly planned to hook up in the future(he was in a different state). I keylogged her computer and found everything out when she was acting suspicious.

I went through a really bad week and then "manned up". I kicked her out and made her go live with her parents. To make a long story short, she never met the guy. Once she was on her own she begged me to take her back.

I made her a list of things she had to do if I was going to take her back and had her sign it. This included never playing that game again. It's been 2 years and our marriage kicks ass now. We now game together(Halo 3 FTW).

The moral of the story is to not give up hope, but not to lose yourself. I did the sleepless nights, too. Then I realized I didn't deserve to feel that way and took control of the situation.
 
[quote name='Pookymeister']Way to cheer him up.[/QUOTE]


Not trying to cheer him up, but to tell him that divorce can happen. Like I said before it's not going to happen to him. His wife isn't going to leave him for this guy she met on an online game.
 
Well, I confronted her today on the issue. I'm still irritated so I'll keep it short.


Basically, she didn't realize it would bother me since it was considered to be "in character." She told me that she would quit the game, despite her not understanding why I'm so upset over this. I simply told her to call her mom, someone who would normally take her side in an argument, and see what she thinks of this. She didn't say a word, because she knows she was in the wrong and her mom would take my side.

An online marriage in a game is one thing "in character", but the IRC chats were far from being "in character", where the flirtatious behaviour with the e-fiance continued on.

She also admitted to being addicted to the game, as a result of having nothing better to do with her time. She works 30 hours (4 days) a week and then watches our daughter while I'm at work. She could easily send our girl for a visit with the grandparents and go out, but she doesn't.

Thanks for all of the advice. I'm sure this isn't the end of it, though. But we'll see.
 
First off, I am sorry to hear all this happened to you, however I am happy for you because maybe things are getting better.

However I do offer this insight.

I have had online, in charecter girlfriends/wifes before on Star Wars Role Playing sites. Now in my case it hurt no one, I never met up with them and I don't have any girlfriends or wifes in real life. However I can tell you that real emotional feelings are there, wether it is in charecter or not.

So please don't let her play the "It was in-charecter only" card, because it is simply not true.

I also agree with JimmieMac on this one, you just need to man up and not skirt the issue.
 
You are definitely not overreacting and I highly encourage you to start documenting things.
 
Update: It appears she told her IRC buddies that she is finished, for the time being anyways. Of course, I was made out to be Hitler, but my actions were 100% justified. Maybe she'll see it after a few days of "detox"
 
[quote name='soonersfan60']Still take her out for that nice romantic dinner.[/QUOTE]

Oh fuck no. She doesn't deserve continued scorn or resentment because she's responded in the proper way; but she doesn't deserve a night on the town yet, either.
 
Well I hope everything works out. Another suggestion I have that I have not seen posted yet would be to start trying to get you two involved in activities with your mutual friends and other couples. Being around you and friends in the real world may be what she needs to help kick her addiction.
 
[quote name='mykevermin']Oh fuck no. She doesn't deserve continued scorn or resentment because she's responded in the proper way; but she doesn't deserve a night on the town yet, either.[/quote]

I didn't say tomorrow, but it sounded like he was planning one at some point to try and "win her back" so I think he should still follow through and not act like this is over (because it really won't be for awhile).
 
[quote name='sp00ge']She told me that she would quit the game, despite her not understanding why I'm so upset over this.[/quote]

[quote name='sp00ge']Update: It appears she told her IRC buddies that she is finished, for the time being anyways. Of course, I was made out to be Hitler, but my actions were 100% justified. Maybe she'll see it after a few days of "detox"[/quote]
Hmm... I'm guessing she didn't apologize (I mean a sincere apology).

She may have quit, but unless she understands why you're bothered by her behavior I fear things are only going to get worse from here. Now is definitely the time for counseling.
 
Yeah, it sounds like she still doesn't even understand why. "Well I don't get what the big deal is, but I'll quit because you TOLD me to. :roll:."
 
The fact that she doesn't understand what she did wrong is not good. She's acting how a child would act when caught doing something wrong.

Her reaction (regarding the game) is good, though. When you confronted her, you gave her a wake-up call. She seemed to realize that the game was not worth her relationship in real life.

I applaud you for confronting her and not doing something stupid. You are both "adults" with a child and should be able to talk and sort these issues out.
I still think you have issues to work out with her and maybe counseling will help if you can't understand each other on your own.

Good luck and I hope everything works out okay.
 
I basically only read the first post and the last page. So this all might have been already said.

Cheating is cheating. It doesn't matter if it's in "RL" or a videogame or chat room or whatever. Cheating on your spouse is a mindset as much as it is any physical action. That being said, this definitely isn't the worst kind of cheating and is far from your marriage being over or anything like that. It's not like there is physical abuse going on.

You both deserve a happy life. And even more, your child deserves growing up with both her parents in a happy family. We have heard your complaints. Your wife probably has her own. Both of you have done things you shouldn't have. It sounds like she has pulled her mother into a spousal misunderstanding. That is one of the big no-nos of a healthy marriage. Triangulating any other close person (read: someone besides a counselor or other unbiased third party) into a relationship just makes things worse. I assume since you are married that she is an adult and has moved out of her parent's home. It's time she starts acting like it and settling grown-up issues as an adult (Of course, this is not likely something you want to throw in her face. It's just me explaining how I feel about the situation.). I also noticed that it seems both parties have a problem demeaning or talking down to the other person when expressing feelings. You may have heard of "I-Statements." If not, here's a crash course (but nowhere near the end-all authority - just one of the many Google options): http://home.earthlink.net/~hopefull/i-statem.htm

Also, sneaking around is no good, no matter what the reason. She is wrong for sneaking around, having online affairs. She has violated your trust by doing so and it may take a long while to secure that trust again. But by sneaking around and checking up on her activities, you have also violated her trust, even though it seems completely justified (which it kind of is, but in her mind it won't work that way). Up-front honesty is always the best option.

A couple of times in your post you said that things have smoothed over or that you had "patched things up". This sounded to me like nothing more than the two of you had time to cool off and move on to other things. But things like this can't be ignored. They fester. If you two haven't both discussed what has gone down in detail and come to a mutual understanding of what each of you have done to hurt the other, nothing will nor can be resolved. How do you do this? In these situations, one thing that it usually has to come down to is that one party has to be the bigger person and let the other know how much they are loved and make the first effort to resolving everything. That will likely need to be you.

As to avoiding this type of thing in the first place: How many of her interests do you engage her in? It sounds like she has a game she enjoys that you don't care for. Maybe you two should discuss things you each enjoy that you would like the other to participate in. It sounds simple, but it really is a big thing.

I am far from a counselor and do not pretend to have all the answers. These are just some of the thoughts that came to me. What would I do if I were in the situation I am imagining you are in? I would basically double my efforts in letting her know how I care for her. Often. I would make sure the family is having regular quality time together. It doesn't have to be anything huge or any extensive time periods. Just regular and meaningful. I would have one on one time with her, attending to her personal needs. I would be open and talk these concerns out and try to keep from placing blame. It sounds like you just may be a bit more mature and responsible than her. When she behaves unkindly, do not retaliate in like manner. And you may just need to visit a counselor together. You may be lucky there. It is generally easier to get a wife to agree to counselling than a husband.

Honestly, this all sounds like a minor speed bump that is likely fairly common in relationships these days. It may take some innovative changes on both your parts and eating a bit of humble pie as well. But as long as she cares at all, this could be a challenge that leaves your family stronger in the end. Good luck. :)
 
Glad to hear it's "better".

Since this thread seems to be resolved...

[quote name='Pookymeister']Don't think its fair for her to grow up with two parents that don't get along, etc etc etc.[/quote]

I've always thought the kids were screwed either way... My parents seem pretty much devorced sometimes and it really makes me not want to be around both of them. At the sametime I know if it's just the two of them it's probably ackward. (maybe It seems exaggerated because I'm not around to find out)
 
so did you ever say that you checked her logs or anything? i'm just wandering whether or not she try to shift guilt like others were saying. at any rate good luck on your future together.
 
couples therapy is the only answer. Keep the IRC shit in your back pocket incase things get heated. Revealing it will only make you look bad for snooping.
 
Yet, if the female does the same thing and call the male out on it then it's ok she won't get heat or look bad for snooping... :roll:
 
6 years ago when we had just gotten the internet (late in the game, I know) my mom started flirting around with some guy on the internet. She started neglecting her motherly duties such as cooking, cleaning, etc. Month's later she finally left and I stayed with my dad. I was 16 at the time so I had a choice, but if you are planning for the worst, collect all her online chats and such so that maybe you can have custody. I really feel for you and hope all goes well and won't come to the big D.
 
[quote name='jer7583']couples therapy is the only answer. Keep the IRC shit in your back pocket incase things get heated. Revealing it will only make you look bad for snooping.[/QUOTE]See, I still agree with Jer and what I originally stated. You've gotten a ton of great advice from the likes of JimmieMac, MorPhiend, and jaykrue (when does he not give good advice?). I've read your update on the situation, and it seems to me that the root of the problem is still wholly intact. I think you really do need to get some professional help involved here. Just based off of her last reaction, perhaps you could gently suggest that the relationship isn't what it used to be and that maybe attending a few marriage counseling sessions might reveal why. Of course, this is easier said than done, but this is your marriage we're talking about here. If I were in your situation (based on mine, which is that I've been in a 3+ year relationship, but aren't married or have a child), I would try to get counseling. If she refuses, I would lay it out flat like JMac suggested. If that doesn't work, then you're pretty much at a loss and at least you have your evidence to fall back on. Document her behavior well!
 
I don't know if anyone has mentioned it yet, but you should be prepared for "withdrawal" symptoms. Things ain't gonna be pretty between now and Thursday/Friday. You should plan to have friends over or visit a friends' house this weekend (putting her in a position where she must put on social airs, and can't flip out on you for being unable to sign into her game/chat channels).
 
no no.. the worst thing you can do in future is to bring up shit in the past... forgive but don't forget.. you let her make her decision.. you force the issue bad things happen..
 
[quote name='DJSteel']no no.. the worst thing you can do in future is to bring up shit in the past... forgive but don't forget.. you let her make her decision.. you force the issue bad things happen..[/quote]

Every woman self sabatoges her relationship in this respect.
 
[quote name='Paco']Every woman self sabatoges her relationship in this respect.[/QUOTE]


hey hey, Paco's back in the L&OT forums :)
 
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