Hitokiri X
CAG Veteran
Thought I would try to brighten your days with the story of my morning. Hope you enjoy! 
I staggered butt-naked to my bathroom this morning after rolling out of bed and feeding Rufus his usual delicious breakfast of 9 Lives canned cat food (this morning he had Tender Slices of Real Beef in Gravy...my cat eats better than I do for god's sake). Anyway, once in the bathroom, I pulled back the shower curtain and flung one leg after the other into the shower, trying my best not to trip over the side of the tub and kill myself while doing so. Once in the shower, I returned the shower curtain to its original, fully extended position as people normally tend to do before turning on the water. However, this particular instance of closing the shower curtain had a surprise in store for me...
At the point in the story, I should remind the reader that I did not have my glasses on during this entire episode, and those of you who know me know that means I could see about as well as drunken rhinoceros riding a Slip-N-Slide while his kid brother shoots him in the face with the garden hose.
The moment the shower curtain snapped back to its leakage protecting position, a small, black object fell from the open curtain folds and landed directly on the tip of my penis. Before I even had time to react to it, it had fallen off and landed on the shower floor. As soon as this happened, there was a stinging/burning/ow-what-the-
-was-that-jesuschrist-that-ing-hurts sensation on my willy where the black object had landed. The pain seared through and around the diameter of Alfredo (oh, what? like you don't have a name for yours?) while I doubled over cupping my junx in my left hand, squinting as I tried to make out exactly what the black object that apparently just gave me gonorrhea was. I had moved close enough to determine that it had legs before the pangs in my wang were no longer bearable without some sort of treatment. I flung back the shower curtain once again (this time with a little more vehemence than before, although still clutching my penis in my left hand) and made a lunge for my meager medicine cabinet. Based upon the few legs that I saw on the black object, I'm now imagining that it's a spider of some kind. Naturally, I'm thinking to myself, "What do you put on a spider bite on your penis?" I came across some Gas-X, Nyquil Liquid Gel caps, baby powder, and Neosporin, none of which seemed like they would be of any immense help. Out of options, I grabbed the Neosporin and squeezed a generous helping on top of the area that stung the most and began gently massaging it onto the undoubtedly poison-filled bulge now jutting from the side of my penis just beside the tip. As some level of relief spread over me and the pain subsided, I considered how my O-face and my spider-bite-on-the-penis-relief-face are apparently one in the same. Once I had my inflamed spider gonorrhea under control, I went to get my glasses and have a closer look at the VD skank. One last time, I slowly pulled back the shower curtain to confront it. However, there was no spider... Sitting on the shower floor instead was a ridiculously enormous wasp that had somehow found its way into the shower of my windowless bathroom which resides all the way at the back of my apartment so that it could launch an assassination attempt on my already stifled sex life. The allusion I conjured in my head as I bludgeoned him with my June 27, 2005 issue of Time with Chairman Mao on the cover made me smile.
::Epilogue::
While I'm not about to post any pictures of my deformed penis on here, this picture of Bozo the Clown will give you some idea of swelling in relation to its usual measurements. If Bozo without the collar is representative of my penis on a normal day, then the abnormal girth the collar adds to his neck is akin to the swelling my penis had endured. Just imagine the collar is trying to show off its circumcision scar like never before...
http://filebox.vt.edu/users/mabeale/Common/hp-bozocollarbuttons.JPG
I staggered butt-naked to my bathroom this morning after rolling out of bed and feeding Rufus his usual delicious breakfast of 9 Lives canned cat food (this morning he had Tender Slices of Real Beef in Gravy...my cat eats better than I do for god's sake). Anyway, once in the bathroom, I pulled back the shower curtain and flung one leg after the other into the shower, trying my best not to trip over the side of the tub and kill myself while doing so. Once in the shower, I returned the shower curtain to its original, fully extended position as people normally tend to do before turning on the water. However, this particular instance of closing the shower curtain had a surprise in store for me...
At the point in the story, I should remind the reader that I did not have my glasses on during this entire episode, and those of you who know me know that means I could see about as well as drunken rhinoceros riding a Slip-N-Slide while his kid brother shoots him in the face with the garden hose.
The moment the shower curtain snapped back to its leakage protecting position, a small, black object fell from the open curtain folds and landed directly on the tip of my penis. Before I even had time to react to it, it had fallen off and landed on the shower floor. As soon as this happened, there was a stinging/burning/ow-what-the-
-was-that-jesuschrist-that-ing-hurts sensation on my willy where the black object had landed. The pain seared through and around the diameter of Alfredo (oh, what? like you don't have a name for yours?) while I doubled over cupping my junx in my left hand, squinting as I tried to make out exactly what the black object that apparently just gave me gonorrhea was. I had moved close enough to determine that it had legs before the pangs in my wang were no longer bearable without some sort of treatment. I flung back the shower curtain once again (this time with a little more vehemence than before, although still clutching my penis in my left hand) and made a lunge for my meager medicine cabinet. Based upon the few legs that I saw on the black object, I'm now imagining that it's a spider of some kind. Naturally, I'm thinking to myself, "What do you put on a spider bite on your penis?" I came across some Gas-X, Nyquil Liquid Gel caps, baby powder, and Neosporin, none of which seemed like they would be of any immense help. Out of options, I grabbed the Neosporin and squeezed a generous helping on top of the area that stung the most and began gently massaging it onto the undoubtedly poison-filled bulge now jutting from the side of my penis just beside the tip. As some level of relief spread over me and the pain subsided, I considered how my O-face and my spider-bite-on-the-penis-relief-face are apparently one in the same. Once I had my inflamed spider gonorrhea under control, I went to get my glasses and have a closer look at the VD skank. One last time, I slowly pulled back the shower curtain to confront it. However, there was no spider... Sitting on the shower floor instead was a ridiculously enormous wasp that had somehow found its way into the shower of my windowless bathroom which resides all the way at the back of my apartment so that it could launch an assassination attempt on my already stifled sex life. The allusion I conjured in my head as I bludgeoned him with my June 27, 2005 issue of Time with Chairman Mao on the cover made me smile.::Epilogue::
While I'm not about to post any pictures of my deformed penis on here, this picture of Bozo the Clown will give you some idea of swelling in relation to its usual measurements. If Bozo without the collar is representative of my penis on a normal day, then the abnormal girth the collar adds to his neck is akin to the swelling my penis had endured. Just imagine the collar is trying to show off its circumcision scar like never before...
http://filebox.vt.edu/users/mabeale/Common/hp-bozocollarbuttons.JPG
you poor bastard
