my wife left, where to go now?

B

bluekeith75

CAGiversary!
sorry to post, but i need to blow of some steam! My wife and I have been married for 2 years, dating for 7, we have two children ages 2 and 4. I am self employeed she is a housewife. I have looked the other way for about 18 months now since she developed a drinking problem, she denies, what women do you know that can drink a 18 pack no problem? she has been hiding vodka, rum etc. all over the house, using money from my wallet for awhile now. today i got my wisdom tooth extracted and everything was fine when i got home. Yesterday we celebrated my cousins graduation with my entire family and things were great. we do not argue hardly ever. Out of knowhere tonight she told me " i do not want the kids or you". "I am to young to raise children and i hate all of you". she typed out a paper stating " I do not want my children, I believe they should be with my husband". By the way i am 29 she is 24. anyways i have come to the point in the last few months that nothing bothers me anymore (lying, sneaking around etc) i have realized it is over but i do not want to loose my children and do not feel that they are safe with her and am worried she will take them to hurt me. Any idea on where i should go from here? sorry about the rambling and grammer i am pretty upset right now!
 
ouch...umm good luck, and do whatever possible and legally acceptable to keep your children. They will thank you for it later. Hope things get better man!
 
I'm pretty sure that paper means nothing legally. You should talk to a lawyer asap. If she is an alcoholic it is probably best for your kids to get them away from her. I know it sucks but right now you need to worry more about your kids than yourself.
 
[quote name='bluekeith75']sorry to post, but i need to blow of some steam! My wife and I have been married for 2 years, dating for 7, we have two children ages 2 and 4. I am self employeed she is a housewife. I have looked the other way for about 18 months now since she developed a drinking problem, she denies, what women do you know that can drink a 18 pack no problem? she has been hiding vodka, rum etc. all over the house, using money from my wallet for awhile now. today i got my wisdom tooth extracted and everything was fine when i got home. Yesterday we celebrated my cousins graduation with my entire family and things were great. we do not argue hardly ever. Out of knowhere tonight she told me " i do not want the kids or you". "I am to young to raise children and i hate all of you". she typed out a paper stating " I do not want my children, I believe they should be with my husband". By the way i am 29 she is 24. anyways i have come to the point in the last few months that nothing bothers me anymore (lying, sneaking around etc) i have realized it is over but i do not want to loose my children and do not feel that they are safe with her and am worried she will take them to hurt me. Any idea on where i should go from here? sorry about the rambling and grammer i am pretty upset right now![/QUOTE]

Why are you worried about losing your children?

"I do not want my children, I believe they should be with my husband"

In my opinion, I think you should try to relax as much as possible until tommorrow when you can file action. If she is just going to ditch you and leave you the house, kids, her stuff, ect, it'll be much easier than if she starts demanding things. Thus, you should go to your family-court-place, and declare divorce, and seize all of her and your assets, and make sure she is unable to claim anything, iff that's what you wish. I would get your children to talk to somebody, a family doctor for instance, or a grandparent, and maybe let them stay with family for a couple of days until stuff is straightened out.

My parents have and are still going through a rocky divorce (7 years and counting), I hope your kids don't have to deal with what I did. Good luck, eh.
 
i say u take the children and just leave her a woman in denial is the worst thing ever, and a woman in denial raising 2 young kids is even worse, if you havent already, sit down with her and do an intervention (family and friends can help in this) tell her flat out that she has a problem, and needs help, take all the alcohol you find in the house, and get rid of it (btw send the kids away with someone like grandma or a babysitter while you do the intervention or if you wanna keep it isolated, do a 1 on 1 talk, cus chances are..its not gonna be something you want young kids to see)
if she denies all help, and becomes even more hostile, im not gonna say shes beyond help, but needs prof. help. divorce her and since its due to a controlled substance abuse issue, im sure you wont be found at fault and be granted custody.
is there anything that might have caused this? people just dont become alcoholics overnight.
hopefully this helped even a tiny bit :\...good luck man
 
Hey man I feel for ya. Just try to keep going. My wife and I are have some problems right now also and we have a 2 month old daughter. So my heart goes out to you. Take care of your kids, as they should be Number 1 for you and try to get your wife some help. Maybe a 12 step program with some marriage counciling will help. Good Luck to you.
 
whatever decision you make, make sure it is best for your kids in the long run. These younger year have a great effect on the rest of their lives.
 
If she's an alky, you won't have too much trouble in court saying that the kids are better off with you. Sorry to break it to you but getting married at a young age (I think guys shouldn't get consider marriage till they're about 30 and girls shouldn't consider it until they're 28) is bad for the most part since you're young enough to want to party and not old enough to be truly responsible. Sure there are the exceptions to the rule but that's what they are - exceptions. Case in point, you seem to be fairly responsible in contrast to your wife. She's still at that age where she wants to hang w/ friends and booze it up. The fact that she's addicted to liquor doesn't help matters for her. Hell, I'm a year younger than you but I'm still not ready to get married. I'm still a wild animal and not ready to be domesticated. I've got a lot of oats to sow. Best thing you can do at this point is to break it off clean with her. Obviously it'll be hard for the kids but would you really want them to be in an environment in which they see their mother slowly degenerates? If she recovers and is truly penitent is the only time you should even consider forgiving her. But by that time you might be remarried and have a new family to take care of.
 
thanks to everyone for the support and advice. I have suggested counselling and prof. help a few times in the last 6 months but she gets very angry and usually takes it out on the children. I am not worried about myself, i know i will be fine it is the children that i am worried about. The only reason she will take them is to hurt me and to get child support. I will be calling my attorney first thing in the morning and i pray the justice system will work. Thanks again to everyone and i will keep you updated. Also the question how did she become addicted to alcohol. i am not exactly sure? She has 4 brothers and a sister two of the brothers are alcoholics and are in there 30's living at home both with multiple dui's and neither is allowed to see there children. her sister is bar hopping every night. my wife started hanging out with a guy in his 40's last year that she worked with and i was told by many people in my town that they were seen many times at the local bar when she was supposed to be at work. I should have done something about it then but i was in denial and looked the other way.
 
[quote name='bluekeith75']thanks to everyone for the support and advice. I have suggested counselling and prof. help a few times in the last 6 months but she gets very angry and usually takes it out on the children. I am not worried about myself, i know i will be fine it is the children that i am worried about. The only reason she will take them is to hurt me and to get child support. I will be calling my attorney first thing in the morning and i pray the justice system will work. Thanks again to everyone and i will keep you updated.[/QUOTE]


whoa :\...i dont like the "taking it out on the children part" good luck with all this man, i kno its a tough time :) but u can do it!
 
[quote name='bluekeith75']thanks to everyone for the support and advice. I have suggested counselling and prof. help a few times in the last 6 months but she gets very angry and usually takes it out on the children. I am not worried about myself, i know i will be fine it is the children that i am worried about. The only reason she will take them is to hurt me and to get child support. I will be calling my attorney first thing in the morning and i pray the justice system will work. Thanks again to everyone and i will keep you updated. Also the question how did she become addicted to alcohol. i am not exactly sure? She has 4 brothers and a sister two of the brothers are alcoholics and are in there 30's living at home both with multiple dui's and neither is allowed to see there children. her sister is bar hopping every night. my wife started hanging out with a guy in his 40's last year that she worked with and i was told by many people in my town that they were seen many times at the local bar when she was supposed to be at work. I should have done something about it then but i was in denial and looked the other way.[/QUOTE]

You have the ammunition of alchoholism, as fortunate as that might be. Fromt he sound of things, it should go swel for you as long as she doesn't pick a major fight. Any sane court would rule against an alchoholic that takes out anger on their children and is cheating.
 
[quote name='Tiphireth']You have the ammunition of alchoholism, as fortunate as that might be. Fromt he sound of things, it should go swel for you as long as she doesn't pick a major fight. Any sane court would rule against an alchoholic that takes out anger on their children and is cheating.[/QUOTE]

Sadly, I don't think the current judicial system has any sanity.
 
[quote name='jaykrue']Sadly, I don't think the current judicial system has any sanity.[/QUOTE]

In Larimer County, it does. THey beat the shit out of my tyrant mom.
 
Christian Churches I have been involved in have always been a good source Spiritually, Emotionally, and surprisingly to many also in terms of advice/tangible help. There are a lot of good Christian people out there who would like to help someone in your situation (Dr.'s, Lawyers, etc.) and a good way to get in touch with them is through a Church. Don't be a mooch, but don't be afraid to ask for help. Churches are looking for people to help...
 
Missingdata:
The OP said she would take the kids to get child support. A resentful woman will do things contrary to what she wants in order to prove a point or get back at someone.

Bluekeith:
I would have suggested marriage counseling too- but maybe the drinking needs to be dealt with before she can rationally see how that is important. I would suggest an intervention, as a few others have. Do you get along with her family? I know her siblings drink too so you might not get much help from them. Maybe her parents can help? A divorce isn't that hard on kids if it doesn't get ugly. See if she will talk to a mediator. If she really wants out, she might be willing to cooperate with you instead of just trying to get money, hurt you, etc.
 
[quote name='chosen1s']Christian Churches I have been involved in have always been a good source Spiritually, Emotionally, and surprisingly to many also in terms of advice/tangible help. There are a lot of good Christian people out there who would like to help someone in your situation (Dr.'s, Lawyers, etc.) and a good way to get in touch with them is through a Church. Don't be a mooch, but don't be afraid to ask for help. Churches are looking for people to help...[/QUOTE]

Well, unless he's actually xtian (i don't recall him telling his religious persuasion), it might be a premature suggestion at this point. For all we know, he's a wiccan (unlikely I know but still).
 
I don't think the alcohol is as much the cause as it is the effect.

You two have been together since she was 17. She was still was and pretty much is a kid yet. She spent most of her formative years with you wereas a lot of people would date a lot of other people. Some people just cant handle settling down with their highschool sweetie. Two kids and a sedimentary lifestyle is a lot to ask from someone that young. It really shouldn't be much of a surprise... =\

You may be unhappy because she drinks, but I'm betting she drinks because shes unhappy.

If you want to fix anything, you need to address her problems, not just write her off as an alcoholic.
 
[quote name='Tiphireth']In Larimer County, it does. THey beat the shit out of my tyrant mom.[/QUOTE]

So your judicial system actually beat up your mom and got away with it? Doesn't sound sane to me. Anyway, unless the OP is living in the same county, it might not make a difference in this case.
 
[quote name='subby-poo']I'm suprised nobody has just read the title and replied with "the titty bar". :lol:[/QUOTE]

And this is you not helping! :lol:
 
[quote name='jaykrue']So your judicial system actually beat up your mom and got away with it? Doesn't sound sane to me. Anyway, unless the OP is living in the same county, it might not make a difference in this case.[/QUOTE]

.. What I meant was, she presented herself how she is- Pretentous, selfish, and quite a lot of other quite negative things. They saw through her bullshit and took everything away.
 
[quote name='Tiphireth'].. What I meant was, she presented herself how she is- Pretentous, selfish, and quite a lot of other quite negative things. They saw through her bullshit and took everything away.[/QUOTE]

Oh, ok. When you said they beat the shit outta her, I thought you meant literally. In that case, hopefully, OP's county court will be just as insightful. ;)
 
ouchers, good luck with whatever you decide to do. but in any case, think about going to a local al-anon meeting, not only will the people there have resources to help you emotionally deal with her drinking problem, but many people there have been married and divorced from alcoholic/abusive spouses and may be able to give you a lot of first-hand sound advice.
 
Get documentation, evidence and corraboration of her habits that could be detrimental to the kids.

Get a lawyer involved. And not a Cheap Ass Lawyer:) Sure it is a hefty fee but in the long run you will have your children.

I am sorry that has happened to you man. You sound like you guys had something and then the alcohol just made her a different person. I am truly sorry. I wish the best for you and your children.
 
[quote name='greendc27']I'm pretty sure that paper means nothing legally. You should talk to a lawyer asap. If she is an alcoholic it is probably best for your kids to get them away from her. I know it sucks but right now you need to worry more about your kids than yourself.[/QUOTE]

That's not entirely true... if there is going to be a custody battle, this piece of paper (and her drinking) are great pieces of evidence against her getting custody. The court is going to weigh ALL factors in making up its mind but I can tell you right now you face an uphill battle.
 
Giver her $200 cash the day before the court hearing, she will be so plastered she will be held in contempt of court and you will keep EVERYTHING and get full custody of the kids.
 
Get custody, and stay away from her. Don't speak to her, don't do anything incriminating. Everything she does wrong (drinking, nasty letters to you, ect) keep, and take photos of. You may need to prove in court that she's unfit to be a parent. Try and be strong, and as emotionally devoid as possible. Think with your head, and not your heart until this is all said and done.
 
[quote name='OnyxPrimal']Hey man I feel for ya. Just try to keep going. My wife and I are have some problems right now also and we have a 2 month old daughter. So my heart goes out to you. Take care of your kids, as they should be Number 1 for you and try to get your wife some help. Maybe a 12 step program with some marriage counciling will help. Good Luck to you.[/QUOTE]

Don't worry. It will pass. Having a newborn places unbelievable stress on a marriage. Believe me - my wife and I never really fought (other than the minor stuff) until we had the baby. Months 2-5 are very very difficult for a million different reasons (as you are finding out now). If your relationship was strong prior to having the kid, don't worry about it too much... it's all part to the adjustment to parenthood...
 
Sorry to hear about the situation you are in. Definitely seek help and support from your family if you can. Probably a lot of her attitude and behaviour is stemming from her addiction to alcohol. Maybe you can stage an intervention to make her realize what's she's doing to herself and your kids. At least try to send her some place to get cleaned up.
 
I'd like to add my best wishes to the OP too. This has to be an awful time.
I'm glad to hear you are going to get getting legal advice immediately. That seems critical right now. It's important that you understand your rights and also that you don't take any action that might predjudice the court against you in any proceedings in the future. Hang in there....
 
Get Divorced, but go for full custody and supervised visitation.

That way, you get the kids full time...but she can come over and see them whenever. But she wont be able to take them out of the house.

Once she realizes that she has nothing again, she may go for the kids if she feels that she needs them...if she feels like she can see them anytime, she probably wont.

It's always best to keep kids with both parents, but if Mommy's a little crazy...at least she can see her kids, but not put them in any danger.

Best way to handle this one is like handling an old person, or a kid. Make her feel like she has control...but sway her where you want her. Get the kids, but make her feel like she'll be able to see them all the time. If she cares for them later, awesome! If not, you have them out of danger.

Keep us posted on how it works out, and let us know if you need help...we'll do the best we can ;-)
 
[quote name='Quackzilla']Giver her $200 cash the day before the court hearing, she will be so plastered she will be held in contempt of court and you will keep EVERYTHING and get full custody of the kids.[/QUOTE]
Totally evil but it would probably be effective
 
[quote name='javeryh']Don't worry. It will pass. Having a newborn places unbelievable stress on a marriage. Believe me - my wife and I never really fought (other than the minor stuff) until we had the baby. Months 2-5 are very very difficult for a million different reasons (as you are finding out now). If your relationship was strong prior to having the kid, don't worry about it too much... it's all part to the adjustment to parenthood...[/QUOTE]
As a veteran of two child births I agree. Plus woman are very unstable during this period because of hormones
 
I would not worry about the kids, the court will see that she is an alcoholic and you should get custody of the kids if that is what you are worried about. Go to a family house if you are truly worried about your safety. or just pull an eminem if you hate her.
 
Wow, that's a lot of spilled guts. Sorry to hear that.

Make sure you talk to your wife before she (if she's serious) decides to get the divorce official. You may want to address your concern for her drinking problem, and if that had any impact on her note (maybe she was drunk?).

Also, if she doesn't want the kids, that means you get custody. You shouldn't have to worry about her messing with them.
 
[quote name='bluekeith75']i pray the justice system will work. [/QUOTE]

Pray hard my friend. From experience and my situation was somewhat similar to yours. The legal system tends to favor the mother. 10 years and thousand and thousands in legal fees later and I'm still trying to get custody of my now drug addicted teenage daughters from their crack addicted, drug convicted gangbanging hoe of a mother.

I don't want to be negative here and i hope your situation goes better then mine, I'm pulling for you. but the reality is - shit like this often gets incredibly complicated and drawn out.

Start documenting everything- dates times anything and everything you can think of that would have some reflection on her incompetency as a mother and wife . Assure your wife that if she gives you the kids that you will seek no money from her for support. Get a notorized letter or whatever your lawyer suggests. This could be the most important issue with her giving you custody. Make sure you have a good lawyer and a big bank account if you plan to fight her in court.

Remember you may get knocked down quite a bit during this thing, but you'll only be beaten if you fail to get back up.

If you want to discuss further PM me and we'll take it to the phone. I've been living this shit for a long time and have learned a lot from my mistakes. good luck
 
From the mouth of a kid who was there, and ended up with the wrong parent: Test her competence. She has no goal, no career, stable income, and a crippling vice. I like mooky's suggestion- but also lay into her failings. I regeet that you feel nothing for her, but unless she knows anyone else, she will lean on you to help her get through this. I've got money down something will slap her and she'll want to clean up after she catches on. If you want to help her and maintain your relationship, great, but if not, play her weaknesses.

It's cold, but she's severed the relationship between herself, and you and your children. Thinking objectively of someone you had emotional involvement with for so long, is difficult sometimes, but that's what keeping your kids will mean.
 
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