Neill Cumpston eviscerates Spidey 3 with a hilarious review

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PKRipp3r

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It's written as satire, supposedly sent in by his mother b/c "Neill got bad poops after having fish tacos at Rubio’s" :lol:

here is the funniest chunk of the review, (with part spoiler protected even though it's not really giving anything away you don't know already. just to be safe.) - the whole thing is @ aicn

http://www.aintitcool.com/node/32501

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One of my favorite shows is One Tree Hill (call me young at heart!). Well, this new movie is like three episodes of One Tree Hill put together! Unlike those first Spider-Man movies (which would sometimes play on TV at the senior center right before our Movement to Music class) this one isn’t full of yelling and punching and running fast. :lol:

In this one, the director finally focuses on the kinds of things I think Spider-Man fans have been aching for…namely, love and forgiveness! (Coincidentally, the names of my belated tabbys!) There’s only about twenty-five minutes of actual Spidey footage in this movie – which makes all kinds of room for:

That darling Mary Jane singing (two songs!)

Peter Parker crying

Harry Osbourne crying

Harry Osbourne hearing Willem Dafoe’s voice through a huge painting of Willem Dafoe, and then getting yelled at by Willem Dafoe

This old servant of Harry’s suddenly walking into frame during the third act and explaining a lot of stuff that frankly I was confused about – it didn’t even bother me that I didn’t know who the old servant was – I love it when old people explain things slowly and carefully in movies

Harry Osbourne and Mary Jane cooking an omelet and dancing to Chubby Checker’s “The Twist” (my favorite part)

The Sandman crying

Eddie Brock crying

Mary Jane crying

Aunt May crying

Bruce Campbell, from the Evil Dead films, doing a hilarious French accent! The scene goes on for nine minutes, but you could tell the audience wanted it to go on sooooooo much longer, the way they sighed heavily and rolled their eyes when it was over!
 
I've been reading far too many complaints about the romance/action ratio. I think I'll be renting this from Netflix.

However, this movie seems right up raidenjack's alley. He can constantly cry alongside Peter Parker about the most menial bullshit possible.
 
This is the best part of the review:
Although, in this movie, the Venom substance makes Peter evil, which you can tell because he gets one of those “Emo” haircuts and a black suit – not just his Spidey suit, which turns black, but one of those suits you always see Paris Hilton’s boyfriends wearing. And he walks down the street like a black person, and winks at girls a lot. It was like Hannibal Lecter or that Simon Cowell fellow, who should have been nicer to Haley because she was a Christian.
:rofl:

Roufuss would enjoy this movie.
 
[quote name='Dead of Knight']This is the best part of the review:
Although, in this movie, the Venom substance makes Peter evil, which you can tell because he gets one of those “Emo” haircuts and a black suit – not just his Spidey suit, which turns black, but one of those suits you always see Paris Hilton’s boyfriends wearing. And he walks down the street like a black person, and winks at girls a lot. It was like Hannibal Lecter or that Simon Cowell fellow, who should have been nicer to Haley because she was a Christian.
:rofl:

Roufuss would enjoy this movie.[/QUOTE]


I wonder if Peter yells in fromnt of a camera that Mary Jane has a fire crotch?
 
[quote name='Dead of Knight']
Roufuss would enjoy this movie.[/QUOTE]

Totally!

That emo haircut frightens even me... it takes up half of his face!

That spoiler was hilarious though.
 
[quote name='Dead of Knight']This is the best part of the review:
Although, in this movie, the Venom substance makes Peter evil, which you can tell because he gets one of those “Emo” haircuts and a black suit – not just his Spidey suit, which turns black, but one of those suits you always see Paris Hilton’s boyfriends wearing. And he walks down the street like a black person, and winks at girls a lot. It was like Hannibal Lecter or that Simon Cowell fellow, who should have been nicer to Haley because she was a Christian.
:rofl:

Roufuss would enjoy this movie.[/QUOTE]

when i got to
And he walks down the street like a black person, and winks at girls a lot.
i actually lol'd.
 
[quote name='Duo_Maxwell']This just reaffirms to me the mystery of why anyone pays attention to AICN, even thier satire isn't all that funny...[/QUOTE]

normally i would agree with you

95% of their 'reviews' are crap

but this is an exception

wouldn't matter where this was published, it would still rule (to me, anyway)

my biggest problem with AICN is the constant barrage of name dropping and status jockying mixed in with the already mediocre opinions about popular culture in the first place

Cumpston is like the Maddox of film reviewing though

he elevates
 
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