A Hawaiian woodpecker was arguing with a Californian woodpecker about which state had the hardest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck, but the Californian woodpecker accepted the challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree, no problem. The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian accepted the challenge, flew to California, and did so, no problem. Now the two were confused. Why could the Californian woodpecker easily peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker easily peck the Californian tree, but neither could peck the tree in their own state? Finally, they came to the conclusion: your pecker is always harder when you're away from home!
November Joke Thread...
- Thread starter Snake2715
- Start date
Saucy Jack
CAGiversary!
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Two goldfish are in a tank. One of them says to the other, "You drive. I'll shoot the guns."
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.
Now he's President of the United States.
When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the hospital immediately. Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that she was dead!
"How did that happen?" asked the doctor.
"I think she choked to death," said the husband.
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.
Now he's President of the United States.
When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the hospital immediately. Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that she was dead!
"How did that happen?" asked the doctor.
"I think she choked to death," said the husband.
Kayden
Banned
[quote name='Saucy Jack']
"I think she choked to death," said the husband.[/QUOTE]
!!
!!
Three business men were having lunch and discussing what gifts they had gotten their wives.
The first man said, "I got my wife something that goes from 0 to 120 in 5 seconds, its called a Porche."
The second man says, "I got MY wife something that goes from 0 to 150 in 4 seconds: its called a Ferrari!"
The third man speaks up and says, "Well, I got my wife something that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds. It's called a scale."
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire orders a glass of blood.
The bartender asks what the second vampire would like and he also orders a glass of blood.
Finally, the bartender asks the third vampire what he'll have to which he replies a glass of warm water.
Curious, the bartender askes, "aren't you going to have a glass of blood too?"
"No," replies the vampire, pulling out a tampon, "I'm having tea tonight."
"I think she choked to death," said the husband.[/QUOTE]
!!
!!Three business men were having lunch and discussing what gifts they had gotten their wives.
The first man said, "I got my wife something that goes from 0 to 120 in 5 seconds, its called a Porche."
The second man says, "I got MY wife something that goes from 0 to 150 in 4 seconds: its called a Ferrari!"
The third man speaks up and says, "Well, I got my wife something that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds. It's called a scale."
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire orders a glass of blood.
The bartender asks what the second vampire would like and he also orders a glass of blood.
Finally, the bartender asks the third vampire what he'll have to which he replies a glass of warm water.
Curious, the bartender askes, "aren't you going to have a glass of blood too?"
"No," replies the vampire, pulling out a tampon, "I'm having tea tonight."
big_squirtle
CAGiversary!
Nice!
ok here goes:
Whats the difference between a BMW and a Porcupine?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside..
ok here goes:
Whats the difference between a BMW and a Porcupine?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside..
big_squirtle
CAGiversary!
oh I got another one:
What did Cinderella say when she got to the Ball?
Eulpp :::choking/gagging sound:::
What did Cinderella say when she got to the Ball?
Eulpp :::choking/gagging sound:::
[quote name='Kayden']!!!!
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire orders a glass of blood.
The bartender asks what the second vampire would like and he also orders a glass of blood.
Finally, the bartender asks the third vampire what he'll have to which he replies a glass of warm water.
Curious, the bartender askes, "aren't you going to have a glass of blood too?"
"No," replies the vampire, pulling out a tampon, "I'm having tea tonight."[/QUOTE]
that is disgusting!
!!Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire orders a glass of blood.
The bartender asks what the second vampire would like and he also orders a glass of blood.
Finally, the bartender asks the third vampire what he'll have to which he replies a glass of warm water.
Curious, the bartender askes, "aren't you going to have a glass of blood too?"
"No," replies the vampire, pulling out a tampon, "I'm having tea tonight."[/QUOTE]
that is disgusting!
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her.
He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there's any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.
He comes home several days later and goes into the bedroom to check out the bowl. The bowl was full of butter.
--------------------------------------------------------
*said in a cheesy stereotypical immigrant Italian voice*
I am an Italiano visitin America.
One day ima gonna LA to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She bring me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say no, you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress bring me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her no, you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table you sonna ma bitch.
So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to ma toilet. I say no, you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch. Ima gonna back to Italy!
He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there's any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.
He comes home several days later and goes into the bedroom to check out the bowl. The bowl was full of butter.
--------------------------------------------------------
*said in a cheesy stereotypical immigrant Italian voice*
I am an Italiano visitin America.
One day ima gonna LA to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She bring me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say no, you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress bring me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her no, you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table you sonna ma bitch.
So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to ma toilet. I say no, you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch. Ima gonna back to Italy!
sblymnlcrymnl
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[quote name='Kayden']Porche[/QUOTE][quote name='big_squirtle']Porshe[/QUOTE]
It's "Porsche".
It's "Porsche".
Who knew old ppl were so practical?
An older couple goes to a doctor's office and ask him to watch them have sex. Although he considers it a rather bizarre request, the doctor agrees and watches them have sex.
After it was over, the doctor tells them he noted nothing abnormal. The couple thanked him while dressing and paid the receptionist for the visit. Every week for three weeks, the couple returned with the same request, which the doctor obliged.
However, by the last visit, the doctor asked the couple what the deal was. The old man explained, "Well, my kids still live at my place so we can't go there. She has grandchildren at her place so we can't go there. A hotel room costs $40 and you only charge us $35 -- and medicare picks up 80 percent of that."
An older couple goes to a doctor's office and ask him to watch them have sex. Although he considers it a rather bizarre request, the doctor agrees and watches them have sex.
After it was over, the doctor tells them he noted nothing abnormal. The couple thanked him while dressing and paid the receptionist for the visit. Every week for three weeks, the couple returned with the same request, which the doctor obliged.
However, by the last visit, the doctor asked the couple what the deal was. The old man explained, "Well, my kids still live at my place so we can't go there. She has grandchildren at her place so we can't go there. A hotel room costs $40 and you only charge us $35 -- and medicare picks up 80 percent of that."
big_squirtle
CAGiversary!
[quote name='sblymnlcrymnl']It's "Porsche". [/QUOTE]
der, I ficksed the errror
Actually in my haste, I should have put BMW.
[/QUOTE]der, I ficksed the errror
Actually in my haste, I should have put BMW.
Buncha one-liners:
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her like an altar boy.
Difference between a blonde & a mosquito?
A mosquitto stops sucking when you slap it.
Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can appreciate them too.
What goes 'Marc! Marc!' ?
A dog with a hairlip.
'Nort. Nort'?
A bull with a hairlip.
Difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
What's a man have in his pants that woman doesn't want in her face?
Wrinkles of course.
What's syphilis in Russia?
Rotyacrotchoff.
Russian for a bull playing with himself?
Beefstrokenoff.
German for Vaseline?
Vienerslide.
German for virgin?
Goodentite.
3 two letter words that mean short?
Is it in?
Difference between a gay rodeo and a straight one?
At a straight rodeo they yell ride that sucker.
What do you call kids born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
Why aren't there blind skydivers?
It scares the shit out of the dogs.
Difference between a women's track team & a pygmie scolastic team?
The pygmies are a team of cunning runts.
What do you do when you come across an elephant?
Wipe it off.
Why was time out called for a leper hockey game?
There was a face off in the corner.
Definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new Mercedes.
Why did God create man?
Because you cannot get a vibrator to mow the lawn.
Difference between mono & herpes?
You get mono from snatching a kiss...
What's green & smells like pork?
Kermit the Frog's finger
Definition of virginity? A big issue over a little tissue.
Where does virgin wool come from?
The sheep that the herders could not catch.
Why did the blonde snort some Nutrisweet?
She thought it was Diet Coke.
How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
Her ankles swell when she farts.
How about when she isn't?
Dandruff on her shoes.
Definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind as he hits a car's windsheild? His ass.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her like an altar boy.
Difference between a blonde & a mosquito?
A mosquitto stops sucking when you slap it.
Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can appreciate them too.
What goes 'Marc! Marc!' ?
A dog with a hairlip.
'Nort. Nort'?
A bull with a hairlip.
Difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
What's a man have in his pants that woman doesn't want in her face?
Wrinkles of course.
What's syphilis in Russia?
Rotyacrotchoff.
Russian for a bull playing with himself?
Beefstrokenoff.
German for Vaseline?
Vienerslide.
German for virgin?
Goodentite.
3 two letter words that mean short?
Is it in?
Difference between a gay rodeo and a straight one?
At a straight rodeo they yell ride that sucker.
What do you call kids born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
Why aren't there blind skydivers?
It scares the shit out of the dogs.
Difference between a women's track team & a pygmie scolastic team?
The pygmies are a team of cunning runts.
What do you do when you come across an elephant?
Wipe it off.
Why was time out called for a leper hockey game?
There was a face off in the corner.
Definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new Mercedes.
Why did God create man?
Because you cannot get a vibrator to mow the lawn.
Difference between mono & herpes?
You get mono from snatching a kiss...
What's green & smells like pork?
Kermit the Frog's finger
Definition of virginity? A big issue over a little tissue.
Where does virgin wool come from?
The sheep that the herders could not catch.
Why did the blonde snort some Nutrisweet?
She thought it was Diet Coke.
How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
Her ankles swell when she farts.
How about when she isn't?
Dandruff on her shoes.
Definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind as he hits a car's windsheild? His ass.
Maklershed
CAGiversary!
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Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.
When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.
When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better....
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better....
This is kind of long, and I have no idea where I found it, but its hilarious:
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the guy hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the guy. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself." St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the guy hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the guy. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself." St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."
Classic but still funny :lol: :
An 83 year old man went to the doctor for a physical. The doctor pronounced him in fine shape but the old man asked to have a sperm count done.
"I don't think that's necessary," said the doctor, but the old man insisted so the doctor gave him an empty bottle and instructed him to fill it up and bring it back the following day.
The next day the old man returns with an empty bottle. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well", the old man said, "I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, my wife tried with her right hand, she tried with her left hand, she tried with her teeth in, she tried with her teeth out...
We never could get the damn lid off the bottle!"
An 83 year old man went to the doctor for a physical. The doctor pronounced him in fine shape but the old man asked to have a sperm count done.
"I don't think that's necessary," said the doctor, but the old man insisted so the doctor gave him an empty bottle and instructed him to fill it up and bring it back the following day.
The next day the old man returns with an empty bottle. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well", the old man said, "I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, my wife tried with her right hand, she tried with her left hand, she tried with her teeth in, she tried with her teeth out...
We never could get the damn lid off the bottle!"
A man fell in love and married a waitress who worked at his favorite Chinese restaurant. Neither had much sexual experience. On their wedding night, she cowered under the sheets as her husband climbed in beside her. She softly said, "Darling, I love you so much. Is there anything you want to try? I'll do my best to please you." Wanting to sound more experienced than he really was, he responded, "I'd like to try something I've only heard about: number 69." She looked puzzled. "You want chicken with broccoli?"
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how
many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round
and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice
but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter asked, "Mom, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and
answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his
twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his
thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his
fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
A Christmas tree?
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round
and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice
but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter asked, "Mom, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and
answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his
twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his
thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his
fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
A Christmas tree?
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
LaraCroftsLeftBoob
CAGiversary!
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a virgin couple were on their honeymoon. they were standing by the bed, nervous. the man excuses himself and goes to the bathroom. while he's in there he calls his father.
"dad, what do i do?" he asks.
his father replies, "take off all your clothes and get into bed."
so he does that. then his wife goes to the bathroom and calls her mother.
"mom, he's naked and laying in bed, what do i do?"
"take off all your clothes and get into bed too." her mother answers.
so she does. after a couple of minutes of awkward silence the man goes to the bathroom again to call his dad.
"ok, we're both naked in bed, what do i do next?
his father says, "look at your wife's naked body, then take the hardest part of your body and stick it where she pees."
a couple of minutes later the wifes mother gets another call,
"i'm still a little confused mom, what should i be doing now?" she asks.
"well, what's he doing?" her mother asks.
"he's in the bathroom dunking his head in the toilet."
"dad, what do i do?" he asks.
his father replies, "take off all your clothes and get into bed."
so he does that. then his wife goes to the bathroom and calls her mother.
"mom, he's naked and laying in bed, what do i do?"
"take off all your clothes and get into bed too." her mother answers.
so she does. after a couple of minutes of awkward silence the man goes to the bathroom again to call his dad.
"ok, we're both naked in bed, what do i do next?
his father says, "look at your wife's naked body, then take the hardest part of your body and stick it where she pees."
a couple of minutes later the wifes mother gets another call,
"i'm still a little confused mom, what should i be doing now?" she asks.
"well, what's he doing?" her mother asks.
"he's in the bathroom dunking his head in the toilet."
Triplets were seated in their hi-chairs at the table as their mother asked the first one what would you like for breakfast?
"I'll have some of those goddammed eggs," he exclaimed. Their mother immediately picked his little ass up and whipped it good fashion. Putting him back in his chair roughly she asked the second one politely, "What would you like?"
The second triplet said, "I guess I'll have some of those eggs and a piece of that goddammed sausage." His mother immediately picked his ass up and whipped it just as good as the first. Slamming him back into his hi-chair she then turns to the third and says, "What will you have?"
He said, "I'll have anything else you've got except for those goddammed eggs and that
ing sausage."
"I'll have some of those goddammed eggs," he exclaimed. Their mother immediately picked his little ass up and whipped it good fashion. Putting him back in his chair roughly she asked the second one politely, "What would you like?"
The second triplet said, "I guess I'll have some of those eggs and a piece of that goddammed sausage." His mother immediately picked his ass up and whipped it just as good as the first. Slamming him back into his hi-chair she then turns to the third and says, "What will you have?"
He said, "I'll have anything else you've got except for those goddammed eggs and that
ing sausage."Three mothers decided to check the contents of their teenage daughters' purses. The brunette opened her daughter's purse and found a pack of cigarettes. "Oh, my God! I didn't know my daughter smokes!" The redhead went through her daughter's purse and found a flask of vodka. "Oh, my God! I didn't know my daughter drinks!" The blonde opened her daughter's purse and found a condom. "Oh, my God! I didn't know my daughter has a penis!"
sblymnlcrymnl
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[quote name='Kayden']What do you call a psychic midget on a crime spree?
A small medium at large.[/QUOTE]
That's funnier than it has any right to be. Or maybe I'm just tired. :lol:
A small medium at large.[/QUOTE]
That's funnier than it has any right to be. Or maybe I'm just tired. :lol:
Kayden
Banned
A slightly retarded farmer has a farm up the coast of California. Unfortunately, there are no women around. He gets rather desperate, and decides to try out an old mule. He puts a stepladder behind the mule, lowers his pants, but then the mule walks forward. The farmer gets down off the ladder, moves it forward, and tries again, with the same outcome.
This process goes on for about 5 more iterations, until he finally gets the idea to lead the mule up to the ocean, so the mule can't walk away. When he gets on the ladder again, he hears a cry for help out to sea, and sees a drowning woman flailing her arms. He jumps off the ladder, swims out to rescue her, and drags her back in.
The woman is totally nude, beautiful, and stacked as well. After he revives her and nurses her back to health, she gazes into his eyes with her limpid blue eyes, and says, "Oh sir! I'm so thankful to you for saving my life! I'll do anything to repay you! Anything!!"
So he says to her; "Could you hold that mule for me?"
This process goes on for about 5 more iterations, until he finally gets the idea to lead the mule up to the ocean, so the mule can't walk away. When he gets on the ladder again, he hears a cry for help out to sea, and sees a drowning woman flailing her arms. He jumps off the ladder, swims out to rescue her, and drags her back in.
The woman is totally nude, beautiful, and stacked as well. After he revives her and nurses her back to health, she gazes into his eyes with her limpid blue eyes, and says, "Oh sir! I'm so thankful to you for saving my life! I'll do anything to repay you! Anything!!"
So he says to her; "Could you hold that mule for me?"
bread's done