Post your jokes.

A salesman, selling who knows what, is finishing his rounds in the sticks part of town. He comes to a shoddy house with a small boy playing in the yard, and goes to the door. After 3 unsuccessful knocks, he approaches the boy.

"Excuse me son, but do you know where your mother is?"

The boy nods, taking the man's hand and leading him to the side of the house. There, the boy motions for the salesman to look into the window there.

Doing so, he is horrified to see the boy's mother having sex with a goat!

He looks down at the boy and asks, "Doesn't this bother you?"

The boy replies, "N-a-a-a-h."
 
What do a girl and fried chicken have in common?


Once you've had the breast and thigh you have a greasy box to stick your bone in!
 
A women is walking her son through a park when they see two dogs fucking,
"What are they doing Mommy"
"They're making sandwiches"
They seet two birds fucking
"What are they doing Mommy"
"They're making sandwiches"
They see two squirrels fucking
"What are they doing Mommy"
"They're making sandwiches"
They go home and in the middle of the night the son calls his Mom and she comes out to his room and he says
'"You were making sandwhiches"
She says
"How did you know?"
"You have mayonaise all over your face!"
 
The Hamster Show

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.
"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.

"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."

"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."
 
remember the last time a joke post was started and the dead baby jokes were rampant? hehe...
Click to expand...

Whats funnier than 10 dead babies in a dumpster? 1 dead baby in 10 dumpsters.
 
This family walks into a talent agency. Its a mother, father, their son and daughter and a little baby. The father says to the talent agent 'sir my family has an amazing act and I know if you let us perform it for you, you'd want to sign us.' and the talent agent says 'sorry, we dont sign family acts, they're too cutsey.' but then the mother goes 'please sir just give us two minute, I know you'll like our act.' the talent agent says 'alright, you've got two minutes.' The family jumps right into it. The mother points to the son who presses play on a boombox. Thrilling circus music starts to play as the father spins his daughter around bends her over lifts up her skirt and starts liking her asshole. Then the son lays down on the floor and opens his mouth and the mother tears off tear-away pants, squats down over his face and starts shitting all over him. The father grabs the baby, takes off his diaper and starts sucking his cock, while the son still with his mother's shit in his mouth, goes over and licks the baby's tiny little balls. Now the mother lays down on her back while the daughter gets high up on a chair and starts pissing all over. Then the father and son take the baby and start stuffing it head first back into the mother's vagina while the daughter's piss rains down on all of them. They get the baby half-way in so that just his legs are sticking out, all kicking and flailing around. The son takes his mother's shit out of his mouth and starts rubbing all over everyone while the father takes his cock and sticks it in the baby's asshole and f.u.c.ks it while it's still inside the mother until he cums all over the baby, the wife, the son and daughter. Then the father gets up and says 'and now for our impersonation of the victims of 9/11' and the family starts running around the room screaming and laughing with their dicks and tities all flapping around covered with piss and shit and cum going 'ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the buildings are coming down, help!' and finally the family runs back to the canter of the room and goes 'taaaa-daaaaaa' and the talent agent just sits their for the longest time and finally he says 'Jesus, that's a hell of an act, what do you call it?' and the father says 'the aristocrats.'
 
i remember a joke topic was posted before.. (yea i know it was mention) but some of these jokes are soo wrong haha but a good laugh

guy: doctor doctor i think im invisible
doctor: who said that?

what do you call a black guy jumping outta a plane?
air pollution

where is the other joke thread anyways? and.. Mmm does anyone remember that one winterfresh commerical about the ducks .. i forgot how that joke went but damn it was a fad for a while
 
A guy takes this girl home from a bar, and the woman eagerly starts removing the man's clothing. After removing his shoes she sees that he has horrible bunions, severe hammer toes, and huge neuromas. "What's wrong with your feet?" she asks.

"When I was little I had toelio" he replies.

"Don't you mean polio?" she says.

"No, I had toelio."

"Too Bad!" she says as she continues. She then pulls off his pants. His knees are severely deformed. They are swollen, knobby and covered with cysts. "What happened to your knees?!" she exclaims.

"When I was little I had kneemonia" he replies.

"Don't you mean you had pneumonia?" she says.

"No, when I was little I had kneemonia" he counters.

"Whatever!" she says. She continues anyway and removes his boxers. Then she comments; "Let me guess, when you were little you must have had smallcox!"
 
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
 
A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," was the reply.

"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl "How old do you think I am?"

"I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drugstore on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this same question.

The clerk, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man in bib overalls the same question.

He replies, "My eyesight is going, my sinuses hurt, and I don't really give a shit. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds kind of forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

After a couple of minutes of this she says, "Okay, okay, that's enough,.....how old am I?!"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are exactly 47 years old."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,...how could you possibly know that from a feel of my breasts?!"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
 
3 Vampires

There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.

The third vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water."

The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?"

The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time."

:roll:
 
[quote name='Trakan']fieldkilllah, that's just wrong, and not funny.[/quote]

For posterity's sake, that isn't actually his joke. It is a South Park gag that was animated completely, but never aired (for obvious reasons).

EDIT Weird, feildkillah explained himself as I was typing this.

I actually heard this from SneakyPenguin, but he hasn't appeared to tell it yet, and it's too funny to go unnoticed in this thread.

A bus full of ugly people crashes and burns. Understandably, they are all killed.
They arrive at the gates of Heaven and are greeted by Peter. Peter says that he will grant them each one wish, and that wish will reflect how their time in Heaven will be spent. Wish to be on a tropical island, and that will be your peaceful eternity.
The first ugly person tells Peter how he has always longed to be an attractive person. Peter instantly turns the ugly man beautiful, and the man proceeds through the gates into Heaven.
The next person thinks this is a pretty good idea, and wishes to be beautiful as well.
The very last person in line begins to snicker and giggle to himself. The rest do their best to ignore him, and each are wishing to be beautiful.
As more and more people wish to be beautiful, the last man's laughter begins to build uncontrollably.
The final man finally reaches Peter. Peter asks, "Just what it is so funny?"
The man manages to control his laughter long enough to tell Peter his wish:

"Heh... make them all ugly again!"
 
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
The bear leans over to the rabbit and politely asks:
"Excuse me, but do you have trouble removing shit from your fur?"
The rabbit repilies "why no, I dont"

So the bear takes the rabbit and wipes his ass!


Thank you, Thank you...I'll be here all week.
 
[quote name='big_squirtle']A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
The bear leans over to the rabbit and politely asks:
"Excuse me, but do you have trouble removing shit from your fur?"
The rabbit repilies "why no, I dont"

So the bear takes the rabbit and wipes his ass!


Thank you, Thank you...I'll be here all week.[/quote]

Ah yes, classic Eddie (back when he was funny). Excellent post
 
Did you hear the joke about the deaf girl?

She didn't either....

No offense to deaf people, i know a bunch
 
There was once this dude who did something. The lady was like "huh" and he was like "haha" and she was like "i thought you were doing something " and the dude "yeah, lauging was it". LMAO!!
 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
 
Wow, there are a few racists jokes in this thread ... I'm not gonna name names but this isn't the place for that.

...and now time for something completely inoffensive:

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

...and now for the best joke ever:

What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?

I don't fuck the apple before I eat it.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
bread's done
Back
Top