Review of all things Ahhnold

WildWop

WildWop

CAGiversary!
Sure, sure, there's a Favorite Arnold Movie thread already there [which I started, actually], but this is a slightly different discussion. That, and it's really long and not likely to be read in the middle of another thread. So here's a list of all of Arnold's movies, and my mini-review of them.

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Around the World in 80 Days
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-Cameo, don't care to see it, looked lame

The Rundown
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-will see eventually, again a cameo

Terminator 3
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-Saw it, excellent DVD. Why is the Terminatrix not in more movies? I mean, WHOA. New John Connor does not translate well to Future John Connor. Looks somewhat goofy and too short of stature. Who'd look up to that midget, anyway?

Collateral Damage
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-Arnie kills a mere 3 people, and one of them was an American special forces guy that was there to HELP [see: guy killed by mine that is conveniently not dealt with because he was on Arnie's side]. Ending was very poor. Motorcycle in an underground tunnel, eh? In other news, Arnie needs to stop putting kids in his movies.

Dr Dolittle 2 (voice)
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-Didn't like Dr Dolittle 1. Eddie Murphy's kids need to tell him to stop making junk like Pluto Nash and Haunted Mansion. "Dad? Hi. We need to talk. Your recent movies have been about as much fun as my last trip to the pediatric doctor that liked to touch me down there. Grow some balls and make a funny movie."

6th Day
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-Saw it, was good for a cheese factor. What's not to love about two Arnolds in the same movie?

End of Days
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-Liked it. Gabriel Byrne was a decent Satan figure, and the chick was hot. Tom Arnold should have been in this movie. Screw Kevin Pollack.

Batman & Robin
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-Arnold is the only redeeming factor in this movie, though Uma in tight spandex was a plus.

T2: 3D
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-Not bad, actually. I like the 3D gimmick, Captain Eo not withstanding.

Jingle all the Way
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-Cheesy as hell. Arnold was flirting with Eddie Murphy-style career disaster here.

Eraser
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-Would have been better had they cast Tom Arnold instead of that painter guy from Murphy Brown. In other news, Vanessa Williams was hot, and Arnie kills people with an uber-gun. A+

Junior
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-See "Jingle all the Way" but throw in better comedic relief and a not-so-career-destroying plot.

True Lies
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-Tom Arnold made this movie, and saved it from the midlife crisis of Jamie Lee Curtis ["Look at my boobs, not my face!"]. Speaking of which, just because you have a decent body DOESNT MEAN YOU SHOULD PARADE AROUND WITH YOUR ZOMBIE-LIKE MUG AND DO A POLE DANCING SCENE. I think I was scarred for life.

Last Action Hero
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-Universally panned, but dammit I had a good time watching this movie. It's fun just to root for the guy with the axe to kill the annoying kid.

T2
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-So wait, the douchebag teen that played John Connor was too good to reprise his role for T3? Not that he was any good in this movie... Stupid kid telling Arnold not to kill anyone. Where's the fun in all the shooting and explosions if he isn't taking anyone out?

Kindergarten Cop
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-DOMINIC GET DOWN FROM D'ERE!

Total Recall
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-An Arnold movie that makes you think... creepy, isn't it? Was it all a dream? Is the dumb blonde villain in Catwoman REALLY the same person as the hotness that tries to kill Arnie in this movie? The world may never know.

Twins
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-Someone stumbles upon Arnold's ability to create earthquakes on the unintentional comedy scale of magnitude 8.5 and unearths a goldmine of cheesy comedy.

Red Heat
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-Watched parts of it. Not all.

Running Man
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-Owned DVD for: 2 months
-Watched DVD: 5 times
-Hello Cutie Pie. One of us is in BIG TROUBLE.

Predator
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-Greatest action movie of all time. Aliens a close second. So well shot... almost every other scene is poster-worthy. Who knew Harry from Harry & the Hendersons could suit up as such a badass alien?

Raw Deal
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-Watched approximately 15 minutes of this on TNT. Was drinking at the time. Do not remember it.

Commando
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-Arrives for battle carrying enough ordnance to supply a small army. Fights with Bill Duke. Unbeatable formula made even better with the presence of the nubile Alyssa Milano, who was the reason I used to watch "Who's the Boss." P.S. Tony Danza Sucks.

Red Sonja
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-Haven't watched it since I was really young, and only then because they had it on TV after Conan.

Terminator
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-First appearance of the charter member of the "Where are they Now" for action films -- Michael Biehn [AKA the dude that bangs Sarah Connor, AKA Cpl Hicks in Aliens]. Arnie kills people in this Terminator. EXCELLENT!

Conan the Destroyer
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-Redeeming qualities: random somewhat-cute blonde chick that consequently disappeared from the radar, and Mako. Every movie should have Mako.

Conan the Barbarian
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-Arnie gets drunk. Arnie punches camel. Movie history is made. Camel punching attempted again in Destroyer, but loses flavor of Barbarian camel punching. Should be a favored pasttime in middle eastern countries akin to cow tipping in the backwoods of the US.

Scavenger Hunt
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-? No idea what this is.

The Villain
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-See above

Pumping Iron
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-I wish I hadn't watched the special features or listened to the commentary tracks for this DVD, since they kinda ruined the fun of it. You find out that most of what was in the "documentary" was really staged theatrics, and that Arnold didn't actually psyche out Ferrigno, among other things. Still great fun, though. Inspiring as hell, especially since I'm an avid lifter to begin with.

Stay Hungry
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-Ditto

The Long Goodbye
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-Heard of but never seen

Hercules in New York
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-Unseen, much like American Ninja 8, Kickboxer 10, and Police Academy 14.
 
[quote name='PsyClerk']Just a note, Tom Arnold is not in End of Days. Perhaps you mistook Kevin Pollak for Tom Arnold?[/quote]

Ah yes, indeed it was. No wonder that performance felt lacking.
 
His movies have been getting more and more family orientated. You can really see it in T3. I think he has known for some time that he wanted to be govenor.
 
[quote name='BigNick']Oh ya, you totally forgot about pumping iron. This is one hell of a movie. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0076578/[/quote]

Yeah, I had my IMDB blinders on, and didn't think to look further than the initial acting credits (since he's technically himself in a documentary in Pumping Iron).
 
End of Days is by far the worst Arnold movie I have ever seen. That movie was a vile piece of crap.

I'm surprised you like that film.
 
I thought End of Days was a decent flick. I usually enjoy Gabriel Byrne's work. EoD looked a lot like Stigmata, and it appears he had the same wardrobe in both movies.

You had to watch this before 2000 (you only had like a 2-3 week window to accomplish that) to get the full effect. Even if you knew that nothing bad would happen on midnight January 1, 2000, it still made you think twice.
 
[quote name='PsyClerk']I thought End of Days was a decent flick. I usually enjoy Gabriel Byrne's work. EoD looked a lot like Stigmata, and it appears he had the same wardrobe in both movies.

You had to watch this before 2000 (you only had like a 2-3 week window to accomplish that) to get the full effect. Even if you knew that nothing bad would happen on midnight January 1, 2000, it still made you think twice.[/quote]

Maybe i am in the minority here. It seems like you guys like End of Days. Gabriel Byrne was in some good movies - like "Millers Crossing" but I wouldn't count this one as one of them.
 
I'm agog that you said Arnold was a redeeming factor in Batman and Robin. He just kept yealling "Chill!" It was horrid. The whole movie was a steaming pile, well except for Uma's hot ass.
 
[quote name='evilpenguin9000']I'm agog that you said Arnold was a redeeming factor in Batman and Robin. He just kept yealling "Chill!" It was horrid. The whole movie was a steaming pile, well except for Uma's hot ass.[/quote]

The movie was so awful, he provided Unintentional Comedy that was off the charts. The cheese factor provided by Arnold was the only entertaining part of the whole movie, and a harkening back to the one-liners of old. Bring back Tim Burton, dammit.
 
I'll have to agree that the only redeeming qualities for the last Batman movies (only the first one was any good IMO) was the humor, intentional or otherwise.
 
OK, from an unintentional humor perspective I suppose I can see it, although it's a little bit like watching a retard hump a doorknob.

Now for true unintentional comedy you have to watch Jean Claude Van Damme in Bloodsport. The final battle where he keeps groaning is sidesplitting.
 
[quote name='evilpenguin9000']OK, from an unintentional humor perspective I suppose I can see it, although it's a little bit like watching a retard hump a doorknob.[/quote]

Now that's a movie I would watch.
 
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