The No-Win Situation - Your Advice?

chosen1s

chosen1s

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So...

My sister's 30th Birthday was mid-February. She lives 600 miles away and while I was a pretty crappy brother until College, in College and afterwards she and I have gotten much closer. A lot of this is due to her "reaching out", she really is a great sister and has been the one to go out of her way to improve our relationship.

She has been planning a trip for 4 months to celebrate (she didn't really do anything on her ACTUAL birthday) and I agreed to it back in December. I'm going to join her and her friends for 5 days in California. My sister is single, and while she isn't one to cry to everyone about it, I am sure the big 3-0 has emotional implications as well.

So I tell my Girlfriend, who immediately starts to cry. I didn't understand at first, but you see, her birthday is on the Sunday that my plane gets back from California (we're talking like 11 p.m.). Thus, I miss my girlfriend's birthday for the second year in a row (last year I was 300 miles away and she and I had to travel 4 out of 5 weeks for various Easter, family weddings, etc).

Well, to make a long story short, it is important to my sister that I spend the ENTIRE 5 days there with her and her friends. It is equally important to my girlfriend that I find a way to come home a day early - she feels this is justified because I missed last year and this is the "one day in the whole year that is so important etc. etc. etc." Neither one is budging. It is important to point out that my sister is not one to "reach out" and ask/beg so her asking me to stay the whole time is pretty significant. At the same time, my girlfriend is usually pretty understanding. And I missed her 25 last year.

So what would you do?

Come home one day early because really, what's the difference between 4 days and 5 days? (Even though my sister doesn't see it that way, "she should!")
Stay the entire 5 days and try to make it up to the girlfriend the following week? (Even though it will be one of those things you "can't really make up")

Taking the girlfriend isn't really an option at this point. No bad blood or anything, it's just too long of a story and this is already a pretty long post.
 
I say go with the sister. Blood is thicker than water, and I'd rather have someone mad at me who I'm uncertain if I'll spend the rest of my life with, than someone I know I will.
 
Eh, if you've been with your Gf for 3 years and she can't understand family obligation, then she isn't worth her weight in salt.
 
I say spend the entire 5 days with your sister. Family comes first. But this sounds like it might have been poor planning on your part. You had this thing set up 4 months in advance but didn't remember your gf's birthday?
 
[quote name='dcfox']I say spend the entire 5 days with your sister. Family comes first. But this sounds like it might have been poor planning on your part. You had this thing set up 4 months in advance but didn't remember your gf's birthday?[/quote]

I wonder if that's the real issue with your girlfriend being upset? Not the fact that you can't be there on her b-day, but the fact that you forgot about it/ or didn't care enough to remember when her birthday is or keep her birthday open.

BTW: I'd come back a day early
 
Come back after 4. You made every effort to be with your sister you just can't do exactly what she wants, and you made your girlfriend happy. She should be important enough to you to give up 1 day with your sister. And considering you would miss the entire day with her (instead of just 1 out 5 days with your sis), she'd probably feel worse, especially since it looks like you chose your sis over her.
 
Come back one day early. Tell your sister that, while she is a very important part of your life, there are other people to consider as well. Your sister will have you 4 of the 5 days, and she has her friends along as well. Meanwhile, if you stay the whole 5 days, your g/f gets nothing. Plus, you missed your g/f's last year.

I'm sure your sister will have trouble seeing it from that perspective, but it's the only way to please both of them to some degree.
 
Your sis is a grown woman, it's not your fault she hasn't found a man in her life. You have a life of your own, go see her, but be back in time for your lady.
 
Having come out of a 3+ year relationship about a year ago, I'd say that it's more worth the time to spend with your sister. If a gf of that length of time cannot understand that, then that's really poor on her part. She needs to understand that this is family versus herself, and she ought to be able to understand that this is a big deal for you. Even if it's her birthday, she can't pull this woman-competition bullshit that women like to do. That's low on her part too.

I'm going through the same thing with my own sister - she and I never got along until college (though she's younger than me by a year), but getting older and more mature does that to women, especially to sisters. I've grown closer with all three of mine, but especially with my younger one.

At the worst, your girlfriend ought to realize this is a situation bigger than her and her birthday. It's about you and your sister and a thousand other issues she can't possibly comprehend, not being a single 30 year old woman.

You guys can do something a week earlier or later for her birthday. Take her out and all that kind of shit girls fall for. This is such a tiny little deal and if she lets it blow up into a big issue, then I'd rethink the entire thing with her. Harsh, yes, but that's the goddamn truth. I'm not expert in this area but I at least can see the angles of this situation pretty clearly, having gone through it a few times.

Sometimes family trumps a relationship. It's as simple as that. There's no way around it.

Anyway, explain to the gf that you value her birthday, bla bla bla, and promise to take her out to celebrate as close to it as possible. If she honestly can't understand that, then tell her to get over it.

Have fun with your sister.
 
The problem I see with leaving early is that your sister lives quite a distance from you so it's not like you can see her everyday. Your girlfriend on the other get's to see you everyother day of the year.
 
[quote name='chosen1s']Taking the girlfriend isn't really an option at this point. No bad blood or anything, it's just too long of a story and this is already a pretty long post.[/quote]
Without even knowing the story, I'm guessing that this is the problem: its not so much that they really want you there as much as they don't want you with the other one.

The real question is how serious you are about your girlfriend: if this is someone you can seriously see yourself spending the rest of your life with, go with her. If you haven't reached that point after 3 years, you're never going to, in which case go with your sister (and start looking for a new GF.) I'm guessing that the latter option is the case, because if you were really, truly serious about this girl, you wouldn't be here asking strangers for advice. The fact that your sister seems to dislike her (and your sister is probably just looking out for your own interests) adds weight to the case of finding someone else.
 
[quote name='evilmax17']Eh, if you've been with your Gf for 3 years and she can't understand family obligation, then she isn't worth her weight in salt.[/quote]

Agreed.
 
I'm surprised that both your sister and your girlfriend are so stubborn about this. I agree with the others that I'm surprised you didn't think of your gf's birthday as this trip was being planned. That was a pretty bad mistake on your part.

Yes, blood is thicker than water.. so that either means you should stay the 5 days since she is your sister. Or it means you should come back early because, no matter what, you will always have a sister, but you might not have a girlfriend otherwise. yeah, that totally doesn't help your case. I personally say go the 5 days since you already made the obligation, and I personally think it's important to fulfill your obligations. Plus it doesn't seem like you see your sister often, and you can see your gf the other 360 days of the year. (I'm not into special days of the year anyways, but I guess your gf feels differently :\)
 
What is it w/ chicks and exact dates? I mean, its THAT ONE DAY or nothing at all. Forget her birthday/anniversary/cat's birthday and its your balls in a slinger.
 
Having come out of a 3+ year relationship about a year ago, I'd say that it's more worth the time to spend with your sister. If a gf of that length of time cannot understand that, then that's really poor on her part. She needs to understand that this is family versus herself, and she ought to be able to understand that this is a big deal for you. Even if it's her birthday, she can't pull this woman-competition bullshit that women like to do. That's low on her part too.
Click to expand...

Low? He'd miss her birthday to spend 5, instead of 4, with his sis. Most people aren't going to take to kindly to someone choosing their brother/sister over them, especially when they have years together. I may not fully understand the brother/sister relationships (since I'm an only child), but if I was with someone 3 years and I really thought they were the one, I can't see myself turning that person down. If I was confronted with a similar situation, except my parents or a lifelong best friend, I know what my decision would be.
 
Why don't you just start your trip a day earlier? Then you could spend five days with your sister and still make it home for you woman's b-day. It might cost some cash to reschedule the plane ticket (I'm assuming that your flying the 600 mile distance), but that way you'll make everyone happy. If that doesn't work, stay 4 days and go home to your gf. If your sister absolutely needs to spend all that time with you than she's definitely got other problems of her own.
 
[quote name='evilmax17']Eh, if you've been with your Gf for 3 years and she can't understand family obligation, then she isn't worth her weight in salt.[/quote]

agreed, even tho it is poor planning..i say, go with ur sister..and then come back with present for ur gf :)..and play it off like u had it planned this way the whole time..make sure its sumthing nice tho, and be like "yea, the onyl had this thing over there..i wanted everything to be perfect" bla bla bla

good luck :D
 
Interesting, the majority of posts suggest staying in California and "making up" the birthday later. But the Poll is the opposite.

I'll post more responses later tonight. My g/f and I are going to get some dinner and probably "talk" about this whole thing. It's only been a day since I talked to her about it.

With regards to my poor planning, no kidding. I suck with that kind of thing. Honestly, I NEVER considered them overlapping. I've been thinking "last weekend in March" this whole time, with my g/f's birthday being in april. Didn't help that my sister didn't give me exact dates until a few days ago. Still, I should have thought it through so still my fault.
 
All these girls want to know is who has more control over you. That's all this really boils down to. If you would have recognized that it was your girlfriend's birthday and had communicated this to your sister when you were setting this up, accomodations would have been made without all this drama. Now I don't say this to shame you, because it's a mistake we all make, and I have no right or justice in condemning you. I simply wish to make the point that previous communication would have confirmed that your girlfriend matters to you at least as much as your sister does. Now, however, it has turned into an emotional catastrophe, and I'm sure your girlfriend has shamed you as much as possible to make you "pay" for your alleged "complete lack of regard" for her, and for your relationship. If it was your brother's birthday, it would be cool, because he would understand you don't want your girlfriend yowling in your ears for the next fifteen millinnia.
Which brings me to your sister. This will be a big setback in her desire to keep things up with you. After all, if this is how you are going to repay her efforts to be close to you, why should she do it at all? Women don't forget insults like this, and they don't like to be stripped of their power over you - especially from another woman.
So, from a completely cynical point of veiw, I say go with who you would rather piss off for the next few years, and who you would rather hear about it from for the rest of your life whenever the subject of birthdays come up. OH! OH! And don't forget to add that they now believe they have justification for missing every single one of your birthdays for the rest of your natural born life for this one offense.

But if you'd rather act out of love, seek forgiveness for messing up on your girlfriend's birthday in the first place, Then work out a compromise with both parties, like going a day early instead of leaving a day early. That way there's five days and you don't miss the General's birthday. There is no way your girlfriend and you can survive marriage if you don't have the ability to compromise, because that means one if not both of you are looking only to your own selfish interests and not to the interests of the other person, whom you profess to love. Same with your sister. If she can't come to a compromise with you than the relationship you are building and reconciling with her won't last long.
Why? Because this is only the first in a long line of shaq-fu'd situations that will require compromise.

That's my two hundred cents. Take it or leave it.
 
Stay with your sister for the extra day. Girlfriends can change, but siblings don't.
Besides, its always good to have a good relationship with your siblings.
Perhaps you should bring your GF with you if it's possible.
 
I have a new idea. Go to Vegas on your own during the 5 days, and tell both women you need some personal time.

If that won't work, I say spend the 5 days with your sister, and celebrate your girlfriend's b-day twice, surprise her once before you leave and once when you get back. Double presents, two candlelight dinners, etc.
 
Family comes first, especially in your situation. You don't see your sister on a daily basis. I'm really surprised that your GF of 3 years is so unyielding. And like evilmax said, if she can't even understand family obligation... Seems kind of selfish to me, when she probably sees you more often than your sister.

I've been with my bf for almost 4 years and we don't always celebrate birthdays, holidays, anniversaries on the EXACT day, because things come up (college being a big one). Sure we "observe" the day (a happy birthday wish, happy anniversary) and plans to do something another day if need be. I don't understand girls who just NEED to celebrate on that exact day, and I'm a girl!!

If you love someone, you accommodate for circumstances that arise. You respect things that are important to them. A day is "just a day".
 
I don't know what I'd do in that situation. I'd lean more towards coming back a day early. Let them both know how shitty the whole thing is making you feel... etc. etc. Guilt is a great way to make people see their own selfishness. And let's face it, they're both being selfish not considering how you feel.

I think the only way out of this is for you to spend time with both of them, and if your sister can't see that, then she just needs to be told.
 
Stay the 5 days. Family first, especially if your sister is as kind and caring as you say she is. If she has made efforts to reach out to you, especially if you weren't very kind to her earlier, and it has resulted in the two of you being closer than you should do this for her if it's that important to her. Your GF should understand (eventually) if she really cares about you. BTW, I'm a guy.
 
She is your "girlfriend", not fiance or wife. Spend the time with your sister.

If your girlfriend is so insecure that she can't be without you on her actual birthday and can't bear to celebrate it the day after, then just think what being married to her will be like in 10 years. if you're away on a business trip on her birthday and have to constantly beg her for forgiveness for every trespass on her 'special' days you'll be a pussywhipped hollow of a man before you even have kids. Men don't need this kind of nonsense. Tell her like it is and if she can't deal with it then dump her. For god's sake, start acting like a man or you'll end up like floor mat before you're 30.

Or, you could tell her her actual birthday was 26 years ago so she should stop being a whiny pampered princess bitch and you'll get her a really nice present like a ring or something. If she's not good enough for a ring then just dump her already.
 
[quote name='Aaron']All these girls want to know is who has more control over you. That's all this really boils down to. [/quote]

That's what I'm thinking. Seriously- how well do these two really get along?

And I agree you kinda dug yourself into this- if you'd told your gf back in December when you planned this, she could've told you about her Bday then and saved all this ish. (and if you did tell her then and she didn't mention the b-day... seriously reconsider this relationship. You probably don't want to be with someone who will ream you for failing tests you didn't know you were taking.)

My call: If you told gf more than a month and a half (or so) in advance, Say all 5 days. She's had time to deal. But do something extra special- I reccomend booking it to her house with a present, get there before midnight, and tell her you know it's late but you had to get this to her before her bday was over. Or, have something very nice shipped to her on her excact bday- it'd be kewl if it included something for her, and something you to could do togther when you got back, like play tickets.

If you really sprung this at the last minute, stay for 4 days. Your sister should understand the hurt becuase you weren't there last year, and the need to make up for it. I suggest planning something nice for your sister and family to do while you're visiting, too, to help make up to her. Unless, of course, you're sure it won't work- then it might be worthwhile to fake something: can't get off work, have a friend call with an emergency so you have to go early, whatever. Just be sure if you go that way, you tie up ALL your loose ends, cuz if sis finds out she'll kill ya. :p
 
Yeah,

I totally blew it by not telling my g/f in advance. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I was thinking I'd tell her when I had more concrete dates, etc. and then just forgot about it until my sister emailed me her itenerary.

Also, I didn't plan this whole trip thing. Her friends are in charge of all of that. They're the ones who planned all of the dates, times, activities, etc. Not that it makes this whole mess any better, but it does clear up a little bit how I could suck so bad about communicating details, etc.
 
[quote name='javeryh'][quote name='evilmax17']Eh, if you've been with your Gf for 3 years and she can't understand family obligation, then she isn't worth her weight in salt.[/quote]

Agreed.[/quote]

Agreed
 
[quote name='mbstuff']I have a new idea. Go to Vegas on your own during the 5 days, and tell both women you need some personal time.

[/quote]

As I was reading through this thread I was waiting for someone to post something like that, cuz honestly that's what I'd do. fuck-em both and just go do your own thing, cuz let me put it to you like this: girlfriends aren't always forever, and then if your sister had a boyfriend do you think she'd care if you came nearly as much if you came along on the trip?

It's possible your sister and her friends scheduled the trip on your gf's bday intentionally.

Anyway, since I'm assuming you're not going to take my advice and just up and leave them both, I'd say you should go be with your girlfriend. Birthdays are very important, you're already going to be on the trip for 4 whole days, and your sister should have got you the intinerary sooner, and let you know what was going on, so the fact that you must book it a day early, isn't your fault, but hers.
 
I vote for the 5 days in Vegas option. Screw the needy, demanding women - there are plenty of good ones around that don't ask you to make choices like that. Yeah, I know one's your sister but just because someone is family doesn't give them the right to be unreasonable.
 
stay with your sister, your GF has got to understand the situation. Make it up to her by getting her roses or taking her out to a good dinner.
 
If it's important to your sister that you stay the full five days. Do it. You planned this three months ago.

Why not let your girlfriend spend Sunday with her family and friends, doing the birthday thing. Then, when you get home, spend the time/night with you. Go out to a bar (assuming you're both 21), midnight snack, ice cream...something. She's got to realize that she can't get everything that she wants. Just tell her that you're sorry, but you feel that you need to stay with your sister.
 
all those who posted reasoning the stay with the family, blood is thicker, etc...

you know, you KNOW it would be different if the trip was going out to see a brother

plus you missed the boat on the rash of breakup threads the last couple weeks so i voted for 1 day early
 
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