"The Official Joke Thread"

[quote name='jaykrue']How did Helen Keller's mom punish her for swearing?

She washed Helen's hands out w/ soap.[/quote]
what did helen keller do when she fell down the well?

she screamed her hands off.

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the nervous father-to-be was pacing outside the delivery room when finally the doctor emerged. "oh, doctor!" he cried. "is it a boy or a girl?"

"i'm afraid i have a bit of bad news," said the doctor gravely. "i'm sorry to have to tell you that your child was not born complete."

the father's face fell, but he said, "well, i'm sure it can have a happy and complete life in any case."

"that's not all," said the doctor. "i'm afraid your child has no arms or legs."

"oh," said the father. "at least i understand they're doing wonderful things with braces and prostheses these days."

"it's not going to be easy," said the doctor. "you see, your child was born with no torso. in fact, your child is only a giant ear."

the father sighed and said, "well, i'm sure my wife and i can make the best of it."

the doctor said, "i'm afriad that's not the worst of it. it's deaf."

------------------------------------------

a guy was passing through the town on his way across the state when he decided it was time for lunch. he pulled up in front of a little boy sitting on some front steps and asked, "s-s-s-say, k-k-k-kid, d-d-d-you know wh-wh-where i c-c-c-could g-g-get a hot m-m-meal around h-h-here?"

the kid didn't say a word.

"hey k-k-k-kid, d-d-d-don't you know s-s-s-somewhere s-s-s-serving f-f-food around h-h-h-here?"
the kid shook his head, and the tourist drove off in disgust. just then the boy's mother came out of the house. "herbie," she said, "you've lived in this town all your life. don't tell me you don't know somewhere to get a bite of lunch."

"i d-d-d-do," said the kid, "b-b-b-but you th-th-think i w-w-w-wanna get sl-sl-sl-slapped?"

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then there's the sad story of the poor guy who was in a terrible motorcycle accident. when he came out from under the anesthetic, the doctor was leaning over him anxiously. "son," he said, "i've got some good news and some bad news. the bad news is that you were in a very serious accident, and i'm afraid we had to amputate both your feet just above the ankle."

"jesus," gasped the patient. "what's the good news?"

"the fellow in the next bed over would like to buy your boots."

:lol:
 
Heres one of my favorites: A little boy goes up to his father and asks, "Dad, whats a vagina look like?". The father sits back and thinks for a second and replies, "Well son, before sex, a vagina is like a rose with pink velvety petals." The son looks at his father for a couple of seconds in thought, and then asks his father, "well, what does it look like after sex, dad?". The father, slightly stunned replies with the question, "Son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"
 
Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman in
the shadows. "Twenty dollars . ."she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides,
what the hell, it's only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for
a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them
. . it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my vife! ," Ole answers
indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Vell," Ole says, "neider did I, til you shined dat
dang light in her face".
 
humansnatcher's joke reminded me of this one:

a young man was raised in the australiain outback by his father alone, who, not wanting him to get into any trouble, told him to stay away from women. "they have teeth down there," he explained, and let the impressionable boy's imagination do the rest.

in time, however, the fellow's father died. he saw friends getting married and starting families, and he decided it was time to get on with it. so he found himself a willing girl -- who was rather disappointed when the consummation consisted of a peck on the cheek alone. the second night she dolled herself up in her sheerest negligee, only to find that once again he pecked her on the cheek, rolled over, and went to sleep. on the third night she caught him before the snores and proceeded to give him a brief lecture on the birds and the bees and his conjugal duties.

"oh, no, you don't!" the new husband cried. "i know about you women. you've got teeth down there, and i ain't coming anywhere near."

well, the bride roared with laughter and invited her husband around the bed for a close inspection. cautiously he came over and proceeded to look things over with great care. finally he stuck up his head.

"you're right." he proclaimed. "you've got no teeth, and your gums are in terrible condition!"

:lol:
 
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, " Sir, you Americans often seem to ha ve a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window..."
 
Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicel y for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.


T he second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.



There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer' s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 
Heard this joke from Jackie Martling (of Howard Stern fame):

Q. Whats the difference between a Mercedes and a pile of dead babies?

A. I dont have a Mercedes in my garage.
 
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?...Nothing. You already told her twice.

A woman is released from the battered women's shelter. What's the first thing she does?...The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.


*Disclaimer. These jokes are provided with the intention of humor and do not necessarily reflect the views of the poster.
 
What's green and goes 100 miles per hour?
A frog in a blender

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence.

How is a duck like a bicycle?
They both have handlebars (except for the duck).

What's green and goes 100 miles per hour?
Grass. I lied about the speed part.
 
What do a fat girl and a Moped have in common?

They're both fun to ride until your friends see you.

=========================================================

3 ropes walk into a bar and sit down at a table. One rope goes up to the bar to order a round, the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, I don't serve ropes in my bar!". Dejected, the rope sits down and tells his two friends what happened. One of the other ropes decides he'll give it a try, but once again, the bartender refused to serve them.

When the second rope returned and tells the others what happened, the third rope tells the other two that he has a plan. So, he stands up, takes a pair of scissors and begins cutting his hair, then twists and contorts himself like a pretzel. He walks up to the bar and orders a round, to which the bartender angrily replied, "Look - I told your friends and I'm gonna tell you - for the last time, I don't serve ropes in my bar!"

The rope said, "But I'm not a rope!", and the bartender says, "You're not?" and the rope says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot".
 
Three men go out on a fishing trip in the Atlantic Ocean, when suddenly a mass ive storm starts and their boat is smashed onto a small island. When they arrive on the island they go out into the forest to search for any signs of civilization.

Soon after entering the forest the three men are captured by a tribe of savages. The three men are tied up and brought before the tribe's leader. The leader of the tribe stares harshly at the men and says "You three are to be sacrificed to our god at the feast tomorrow night. If you wished to be spared, you must go out into the forest and bring back 10 pieces of one type of fruit, bring them before me and shove the fruit one at a time up your ass without making an facial expressions what-so-ever."

The first man sets out and stumbles upon an apple tree. He quickly gathers 10 apples and goes to stand before the tribe leader. The man gets two apples up his ass without making any expressions, but on the third he winces in pain and is immediately killed.

The second man sets out into the forest and comes upon a rasberry bush. Sure that he will be spared, the second man rushes to stand before the tribe leader. He easily gets through shoving nine rasberries up his ass without making any facial expressions, but on the tenth one he suddenly bursts out in laughter and is immediately killed.

When the second man arrives in heaven, the first man rushes up to him and says "You were almost spared, why did you start laughing?"

To which the second man replies "I saw the last guy coming with pineapples."
 
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing
at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her
that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants
to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,"what's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your
hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
 
A father was out hunting and shot a huge deer. He brought it home and had his wife prepare it for dinner, but wanted to surprise his kids with the huge meal they were about to have, so they put it on a huge platter and covered it.

When the kids got home, the dad, pointing at the platter, said "Hey guys, can you guess what's in here?" They couldn't guess. "We don't know, give us a clue" the older child said. The dad responds: "It's a kind of meat...and it's something your mother calls me all the time."
Just then, the younger child yells "DON'T EAT IT!!! IT'S A fuckING ASSHOLE!!!"
 
Neil Hamburger is a master joke teller.

[media]http://youtube.com/watch?v=WW22Kv9N0mE[/media]
 
What's the difference between a car full of lawyers and a porcupine?

With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside. :D

 
[quote name='Punk_Raven']Is it wrong tha I find sexist jokes some of the funniest find?[/quote]

No. Nor if it's a racist.
 
A woman goes into a sex shop and looks around, so the clerk asks what she is looking for. The woman replies "I'm tired of all my sex toys, I want something different". The clerk then takes an old withered box out from behind the counter and hands it to the woman.

"this is a voodoo dildo. you say its name, and a part of your body, and the voodoo dildo does the rest!"

The woman is skeptical to say the least, so the clerk yells out "VOODOO DILDO THE DOOR!", at this the voodoo dildo flies out of the box, and starts pounding the keyhole of the door with ferocity. The woman is astounded, and tells the clerk she'll take it. He then yells "VOODOO DILDO THE BOX!" and it flies back to the box and rests.

As the woman is driving home, she keeps looking at the box. She couldnt wait to get home to try it. Finally she cant wait any longer, and she yells out "VOODOO DILDO MY PUSSY!". At this the voodoo dildo flew out of the box, and started doing her harder then she had ever felt in her whole life.

As she is being pleasured, she starts swerving all over the road and cant control her car. A police officer sees her and pulls her over. When he gets up to her window he asks her why she was driving so eratically. She explains that she bought a voodoo dildo, and that it had been pleasuring her so she lost control. At this the cop scoffs at her excuse and yells at her "VOODOO DILDO MY ASS!"
 
A man goes into a sex shop, and he notices a sign on the wall. The sign reads "Join our new diet program! Lose 1 pound for every dollar you spend!"

The man is intrigued, so he goes up to the clerk, and hands him $10 and says he wants to lose 10lbs.

The clerk points to a room in the back, and tells the guy to go into the room and get naked. The guy walks back, and takes off all his clothes. Soon after, a beautiful naked woman runs into the room wearing a sign that reads "If you can catch me, you can screw me!"

The man seeing this begins chasing the woman around the room, but she was too fast, and he never catches her before losing the 10lbs.

The next day the man goes back, and hands the clerk $20. The clerk points to a different room in the back, and tells the guy to get naked. He runs back, strips down, and soon 2 women run into the room both wearing signs reading "If you can cath us, you can screw us!". The man gives a good chase, but both women elude him.

The next day he goes in and gives the clerk $100. The clerk points him to the last room in the back, and tells the guy to get naked. The guy runs back, strips naked and waits. After a few minutes a giant muscle bound guy with a 9" penis runs into the room wearing a sign "If I can catch you, I can screw you!"
 
This guy goes into a sex shop and starts looking around. He notices a sign on the wall that says "join our taboo sex club, have wild sex fantasys fulfilled! $50 for silver membership $100 for gold membership."

The man is intrigued, so he goes up to the clerk and gives him $50. The clerk points him to a room in the back and tells him to go in. When the man walks in there is a chicken on the floor, with a sign that says "Screw me! It feels fantastic!" He is disgusted at first, but decides that he'll try anything once. After he's done he leaves the shop feeling oddly satisfied.

The next day he goest back and gives the clerk another $50 to be promoted to a gold member. The clerk points to a 2nd room in the back for the guy to go into. The guy enters, and there are a room full of guys all masturbating, watching 2 women through a 1-way mirror having sex. The guy joins them and starts masturbating.

After a while he turns to the guy next to him and says "man this is great!" the guy next to him responds "This is nothing, yesterday they had a guy screwing a chicken!"
 
A blonde is driving down the road listening to the radio, when the DJ starts craking tons of blonde jokes, really making her angry. As shes driving, she notices another blonde in the middle of a corn field, in a rowboat, rowing. The blonde slams on her brakes, backs up and jumps out of the car to yell at the other blonde."

"You know, its blondes like you that cause people to call us stupid and make jokes about us, and if I could swim, I would kick your ass!"
 
A guy is driving down the road, and he sees a sign that says "Sisters of Mercy Brothel, 3 miles ahead!". He didnt think he read it right, but 1 mile down the road he saw another sign, "Sisters of Mercy Brothel, 2 miles ahead!". He cant believe what he read, but another mile later thers a third sign. The he sees a church with a big sign out back that says "Sisters of Mercy Brothel!"

Curiosity gets the better of him, so he pulls over and walks up to the front door. Outside are two nuns smiling pleasantly at him. He asks if this is really a brothel and the nuns reply that it is, and if he wants to get screwed, it will cost him $200. He cant believe his ears, but both of the nuns were pretty good looking, so he takes out $200 and hands it to them.

The nuns tell him to go in the front door, and follow the signs down the hallways. He walks in and there are signs with arrows pointing down the hall to a door in the back. On the door at the back is a sign that reads "Please close door behind you!".

At this point he's really excited, so he runs through the door shutting it behind him. He then hears the click of a lock and realizes hes back outside, but behind the church. On the back door is a sign that says "You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy"
 
Theres an american, a frenchmen, and a polish guy sitting at a bar telling sex stories about their wives. The american guy boasts "When I blow in my wifes ear, she jumps a foot off the bed". The frenchmen boasts "When I sprinkle rosepettles on the bed, my wife jumps 3 feet in the air". The polish guy says "I've got you both beat! When I cum on the curtains, she hits the roof!"
 
Theres a quadrapalegic woman crying by herself on the beach, when a guy sees her and walks over to her. He asks her what is wrong and she replies that she has never even been hugged by a man.

Hearing this the man bends down and emraces her in a hug. When he stands up she is still crying though. He asks her why is she still crying, and she replies that she has never been kissed by a man before.

Hearing this the man bends down and gives her a long passionate kiss. When he stands up she is still crying though. He asks her why is she still crying, and she replies that she has never been screwed by a man before.

Hearing this the man bends down, picks her up, tosses her in the ocean, and yells "Your screwed now bitch!"
 
There are three men driving across the country in a van, when the van breaks down at midnight in the middle of nowhere. They find a farm nearby and ask the owner if he has some spare beds for the night. He tells them he only has one bed, but if they squeeze in they can probably all fit. The next morning when they wake up the guy on the left tells the others that he had a wonderful dream about getting a handjob from a beautiful woman. The guy on the right replies that he had the same dream. The guy in the middle crestfallen replies that all he dreamed about was skiing.
 
A guy gets a date with a blonde at his office that he had been hitting on for weeks. He is so nervous about the date that he goes up onto the roof of his building to get a tan before the date. He strips down naked, and lays face-up on the roof soaking in the rays. A few hours later he wakes up, and realizes that he fell asleep tanning, and now his penis is horribly burnt!

Not wanting to cancel his date, he gets dressed and puts on a movie when his date shows up. During the movie he excuses himself, and runs into the kitchen. He grabs a glass and fills it with cold milk, and dips his penis in to cool it off and soothe the burn.

While hes doing this the blonde notices that hes been gone for a long time and goes looking for him. When she finds him in the kitchen she exclaims "So thats how you refill those things!"
 
[quote name='majorscud']There are three men driving across the country in a van, when the van breaks down at midnight in the middle of nowhere. They find a farm nearby and ask the owner if he has some spare beds for the night. He tells them he only has one bed, but if they squeeze in they can probably all fit. The next morning when they wake up the guy on the left tells the others that he had a wonderful dream about getting a handjob from a beautiful woman. The guy on the right replies that he had the same dream. The guy in the middle crestfallen replies that all he dreamed about was skiing.[/quote]

There's something abuot that joke. I may not be correct but
by skiing is the joke implying that the man somehow did all those handjobs that got the other guys to get those dreams? I'm guessing this because of the two hands in use while skiing and he was in the middle
.
 
[quote name='Punk_Raven']There's something abuot that joke. I may not be correct but
by skiing is the joke implying that the man somehow did all those handjobs that got the other guys to get those dreams? I'm guessing this because of the two hands in use while skiing and he was in the middle
.[/QUOTE]

well the joke is that his dream of skiing made him give the two others hand jobs (due to the motion hands make in skiing) in his sleep, and that they dreamed it was a woman doing it
 
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