Things you've heard people say in their sleep

Scorch

Scorch

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Blatantly stolen idea from Something Awful..

I can remember all sorts that my girlfriend has said that I said in my sleep (Once I told her to go to town hall, another night I told her to sort through the DVDs in the corner of the room), I can't think of anything i've heard people say in their sleep.. that I can recall, anyway.

//edit: In case you're wondering which person's story pushed me over the edge and made me decide to make that thread here, it was this one:

"I'm really sorry for stealing your ducks."
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[SIZE=-1]all I want for christmas is two fat bitches, a bag of weed and two bags of chips to feed to the fat bitches[/SIZE]
 
Myself: *Sitting up randomly, hands clasped in prayer* "Tight ends go long, Tight ends go long."
 
About 2 hours after I stopped making any noise, my girlfriend turned to me, still sleeping, and told me to shut up. I ended up just going about my business, albeit slightly confused.
 
Funny that you bring this up. Late last night as I was sitting here (listening to the CAGcast ;)) my wife got up from the bedroom upstairs, came down into the office, said something about me going to the grocery store (it was unclear if she said I should or was worried that I had), then went to the kitchen, got a Coke from the fridge, brought it back, set it on my desk, then went back to bed. She didn't remember a thing this morning ;).
 
I read a few more on that thread that I have to bring over here.. Just picture some of this stuff..

I've heard some total e/n and border line pornographic stuff.

However my favorite sleep talking line has to be when my friend said "Hello, Mr. Rhinocerus what a big horn you have." Then he proceeded to make sounds like he was being chased down by a Rhinocerus it was a total what the gently caress moment as I had no idea what was going on at the time.
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My friend's brother and I were playing video games while my friend was sleeping on the couch. It gets pretty late, so we decide to turn in. As we turn off the T.V. my friend gets up and says, "You guys need to keep fighting!" His brother and I just stare for a second before I respond, "Erm...what?" "You're surrounded by rifles."
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I was staying at my friend Alex's house. It was late at night and we were watching Monty Python or something. His older brother Bill was asleep in the middle of the living room floor. Suddenly, he points his fingers in the air like a gun, and says "Don't make me do it, lady. I don't want to do it! PSHEW PSHEW!" and goes back to a peaceful slumber. He wasn't faking or anything.
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One of my friends does not talk at all, but instead grunts and beats the poo poo out of people. I slept near him in his basement and he kicked me in the nuts and punched me in the chest.
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Perhaps my favorite thus far:

My friend goes on tangents when he is falling asleep. Yes, falling asleep. He is not asleep, but he goes into these incredibly detailed one-way conversations as he is lulling to dreamland. And he doesn't know he does it. It seems to get worse when he's been drunk, as he was when I first noticed it. Myself and about six others were all trying to get an hour of sleep before we began the arduous task of destroying all evidence that the the previous night took place. And he begins...

"Yeah, now you got it. Oh, this will work fine...no, it isn't like that. Well, I wish. drat it, Skip, you're doing it wrong. No, let me! See, the ropes, we tie 'em up there and throw those big rear end steering wheels on there. Yeah, but forget the magnets. We tried that and it only worked on cats. I'll be back, gotta take Jesus to the races"

That is all I remember, as I was keen on getting sleep...We recorded his little "chat" as he didn't believe he said the above one. If only I knew what he and skip were building...it sounds like it will work!
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A friend of mine once woke up at some point during the night just to say "You guys are all fags."

My sister is notorious for doing this, with memorable scenes such as "I ain't got no plillow." (not a typo) and this one bizarre time when she woke up and started acting like she was eating, all while swaying her head like Stevie Wonder.
 
Apparently I had a conversation once with my older sister and her friends in the middle of a night while I was asleep. My friend was spending the night and said this is what happened:

Me> Throw it throw it!
Older sister's friend> To where?
Me> FIRST BASE STUPID
OSF> Did we get him out?
Me> UGH NO
 
haha, that reminds me.. I had a friend over one night and we were up like half the night playing XBox and Gamecube (Super Smash Brothers, w00t!) and I had just woken up.. i'm layin' there watchin' TV and I hear the loudest freakin' fart in the world.. I look over and he claps his hands, says "SAFETY!" and rolls over, still asleep. He had no recollection, I laughed for at least five minutes.
 
one of my friends yelled out "we gotta save the chickens!" when he spent a night at my house. i've always wanted to know what he was dreaming about but he didn't remember any of the details when he woke up. :lol:
 
I remember staying the night at my friend's house one night several years ago with another friend staying the night, too. We slept out in their RV and he (the friend who lived at this house) slept at one end and we were on the other side. He left the CD player on, so we were playing with it and turned on the MIB song, to which he started singing it in his sleep. We also noticed that he was sort of trying to dance in his sleep, though obviously still lying down, and managed to fall out of the bed to the seat below (where the dining table is). That's when he finally woke up. :lol:
 
My wife tells me I saw something new just about everyday.

Today she told me me it was time to get up and while sleeping I told her...

"Well get up then," as I turned over.

Several years ago, when I was in the Air Force I shared a room with the biggest redneck ever. Late one night I was so disgusted by his rants I had to blast the PS2 through my headphones.

I won't repeat it all but, he was talking about some girl "Eww, you nasty pussy," as he made a sniffing sound. This is the same guy that made a jerking off noise frequently. Finally, I flipped on the light to catch him in the act because I could no longer sleep...he had been sticking his fingers in his ears and rapidly gyrating them back and forth.
 
I had an almost tragic experience with sleep talking and it sort of requires a long story, so here goes...

It was around finals last semester, and I was really sleep deprived and stressed out about all the work I needed to do. One of my assignments was on an artist of color for my History of Rock class (yes, it was a college course on the history of rock music). Apparently this is what happened.

Me in my sleep: "I'm gay" (mumbled)
My girlfriend: "What??"
Me: "Yea, he's a black guy."

She waits until I wake up, and she asks me if I remember what I told her. I said I had no clue. She proceeds to tell me that I said I was gay, and I was seeing a black guy. She actually got really pissed about it because she seriously thought this was my subconscious talking. Obviously I was incredibly angry, like any straight guy being accused of being gay would be.

Luckily I figured it out.... I didn't say "I'm gay" in my sleep. I said "Marvin Gaye," who I had recently decided to write my paper on.
It made for a funny story after the fact.
 
:rofl: at this whole thread.

When my Army cousin just got back from Iraq. We threw him a party. he passed out while drinking later that night, and then started yelling out Army coordinates, and other radio chatter. Shit was pretty funny to probably be PTSD.

"Bravo company location pph (or something to that effect) are we clear to go hot. I don't have all fucking day. Give it to those muthafuckers."

People tell me I don't talk I just make grunting noise, or long drawn out grunts like I'm in pain.
 
I remember one! It's been the only incident of my girlfriend talking in her sleep (she sleeps like a fucking brick, a tornado wouldn't wake her up). We had watched 24 and I flipped it over to wrestling real quick (she can't stand it but she has a crush on Edge and Cena). Anyway, later on that night, she's fast asleep and i'm laying in bed watching a movie..

Her: "medal.."
Me: "what?"
Her: "mom, get the medal"
Me: "what the hell are you talking about?"

At this point, she opens her eyes wide, looks at me, then talks really slow like i'm retarded.

"Mom needs to get the medals from Kurt Angle and sell them so we can have enough money to pay off the house"

Then she closes her eyes and falls back down, still asleep. Never woke up. Like most sleeptalking experiences, she had no recollection the next day.
 
I don't remember anyone mentioning me talk in my sleep but my sister told me when I was younger she heard me crying really loud. What happened was I fell off my bed and hit my forehead on the wooden edge of a dresser. I woke up with no memory of this and I had a really large bruise on my forehead that was all red and swollen.
 
My wife has had some great ones.

When we were in college, during a semester in which she was taking a biology course: "I'm just tired of counting pollen."

"Bacteria fighting bad breath." (I think they're on the same side)

"At least I got flowers."

"Over here, we got a river."

And my favorite one, shortly after getting a pet hamster: "That would make for an interesting animal. You know, the hamster lifestyle."
 
I used to work second shift and come home.
Getting ready for bed, I'd have a conversation with my wife who had already been asleep.

Next morning I'd have to have the same conversation as she'd not remember talking to me at all.
 
My mom talks in her sleep a lot. Just random shit, nothing interesting or funny. I also do this, but it's rare. It's also about random shit, and it seems like I do it when I am in a half-asleep, half-awake stage, just as am I waking up while having a dream. So basically, if I'm saying something in the dream I am waking up from, I say it in real life too.
 
My sophomore year in college, I had two roommates. It was probably about 1am when we hear my roommate say, "Gimme a bacon breakfast sandwich!" It was loud enough to wake both me and my other roommate up. We looked at each other, laughed and went back to bed.

We told him the next morning, but he didn't remember a thing. He did say that was his favorite sandwich though.
 
an ex-gf once sat up in bed and looked at me very annoyed, then said "People are gonna think you smoke cigarettes!"

she immediately woke up then and became very embarrassed

i gently fucked her back to sleep
 
My brother used to talk in his sleep all the time... he probably still does, but we no longer share a room.

Anyhow, some of my favorite episodes were:

#1. The time he was going on and on about someone stealing his potato.

#2. The time he thought he was in an Earthquake, I think that was my favorite one.

#3. The time he was doing algebra in his sleep, mind you the muthafucka couldn't do simple long-division when he was awake.
 
My ex-girlfriend once said she wanted to marry me in her sleep. The next day, she didn't remember anything.
 
[quote name='Zenithian Legend']My brother used to talk in his sleep all the time... he probably still does, but we no longer share a room.

Anyhow, some of my favorite episodes were:

#1. The time he was going on and on about someone stealing his potato.

#2. The time he thought he was in an Earthquake, I think that was my favorite one.
#3. The time he was doing algebra in his sleep, mind you the muthafucka couldn't do simple long-division when he was awake.[/quote]

..care to elaborate on all three? that's the point of the thread, to be specific not like "lol this one time my friend dreamt he was a banana and said funny stuff". Where's the funny stuff? Tell us the crazy shit he said
 
I snore like a mofo, but rarely talk. I do recall being jolted awake when I was about 14 or 15. I was dating some chick, and as 15 year olds are wont to do, spending far too long on the phone talking about nothing late at night.

She was the quality kind of person who would take care of most of the conversation, so as long as I tossed in the occasional "uh-huh," or "mmmm..." we could talk for hours.

One night, I evidently fell asleep, but her yelling at me woke me up. Before that, it was something along these lines:

GF: (whatever crap women talk about)
Me: Hercules.
GF: Wha?
Me: I don't think he's gonna be too pleased with your decision to do that.
GF: What the fuck are you talking about?
Me: Piss off Hercules, have it your way.
GF: ARE YOU SLEEPING!?!?!?!?!

The relationship didn't last too much longer. :lol:
 
[quote name='Scorch']..care to elaborate on all three? that's the point of the thread, to be specific not like "lol this one time my friend dreamt he was a banana and said funny stuff". Where's the funny stuff? Tell us the crazy shit he said[/quote]

Ah, I see, well then I cannot tell you. This all happened so long ago, that I can't recall the specifics.
 
About 10 years ago my brother was asleep and mumbled something to the effect of, "Just kill her, man."

I kind of laughed and said, "What? Who?"

He replied, "The operator, dude, she's fucking lying."

I again asked what he was talking about and I guess he got impatient and said, "Just kill the fucking bitch, she's fucking lying."

I kept asking him questions, but he was at that point where he stopped talking and fell back sleep.

Of course, no recollection the next day.
 
Once my mom started yelling out random jeopardy answers.
The weirdest is that I was staying at my cousins' house in florida and was told I started rambling on talking about Passover. I think I said let my people go.
 
Last year my little brother (17) started yelling for my entire family at about 2am. We all went to his room and told us that we were all dead because a plane fell through the roof of our house and that soon he'd be dead too because the clouds were suffocating him.

I didn't sleep too well that night..
 
Lol this thread is funny.

Well one time me and my Bro and been playing a bunch of Halo 2 right before we went to bed and so he fell asleep quickly but I didn't so as I was laying there begins to start yelling out, "Josh hit B, Hit B, I SAID JUST HIT B!" And he wasn't faking it he didn't remeber anything that next morning.

Also there was this other time where I was sleeping over with some friends and we were playing games and one of my friends fell asleep while we playing, well finally we turned it off and started going to bed when the kid that was asleep started saying "It's dark in here, Who turned the fog?" and then another one of my friends said "Tristan are you sleeping." he responded "No sir." my other friend then said "Well shut up and go back to sleep" finally the kid responded "Yes Master."
 
lol you guys are funny. I'm sure that I say something in my sleep but I have no fucking idea what. Once my gf and I get married and live together, I am going to either snore, say some shit (like call out some co-worker's name I'd like to fuck), sleep walk or just pass gas all night long. :p
 
My sophomore year of college I was living in a quad with three other dudes. One would have complete conversations in his sleep, one would say words but they'd be really random and was more of crazy mumbling, and one would grind his teeth so loud that it would wake me up sometimes. So needless to say it was a madhouse. But I digress.

My roomate that would have conversations in his sleep was fascinating to hear and their was one particular situation that still sticks in my head. One night I was watching tv when he (Kevin) just out of the blue sat up indian style and didnt say anything. After about 2 minutes of this he crawled to the end of his bed wear a big storm window was. He proceeded to open up the venetian blinds and stared down at the street and then started yelling "Help me! Help me! Help me!". He sat and waited for a little bit as if he was expecting to see someone fly from the street, up to our window or something. And when that didnt happen he just collapsed and fell asleep where he was sitting. When he woke up the next morning he said he didnt remember a thing and didnt remember dreaming so he had no idea why he would've been yelling that.
 
[quote name='crystalklear64']Last year my little brother (17) started yelling for my entire family at about 2am. We all went to his room and told us that we were all dead because a plane fell through the roof of our house and that soon he'd be dead too because the clouds were suffocating him.

I didn't sleep too well that night..[/quote]

Did he just watch Donnie Darko?
 
[quote name='Maklershed']My sophomore year of college I was living in a quad with three other dudes. One would have complete conversations in his sleep, one would say words but they'd be really random and was more of crazy mumbling, and one would grind his teeth so loud that it would wake me up sometimes. So needless to say it was a madhouse. But I digress.

My roomate that would have conversations in his sleep was fascinating to hear and their was one particular situation that still sticks in my head. One night I was watching tv when he (Kevin) just out of the blue sat up indian style and didnt say anything. After about 2 minutes of this he crawled to the end of his bed wear a big storm window was. He proceeded to open up the venetian blinds and stared down at the street and then started yelling "Help me! Help me! Help me!". He sat and waited for a little bit as if he was expecting to see someone fly from the street, up to our window or something. And when that didnt happen he just collapsed and fell asleep where he was sitting. When he woke up the next morning he said he didnt remember a thing and didnt remember dreaming so he had no idea why he would've been yelling that.[/QUOTE]

I'm on Kevin's side here
 
My daughter talks in her sleep sometimes. My favorite was when she said "Mcdonalds? Burger, fries, chicken nuggets OK? Bye." She hadnt had any fast food for a couple of weeks and must have been going through withdrawal.

My ex used to purr in his sleep, more like a giant tiger purring than a kitty cat, it was deep and rumbling. And he would be dead out asleep to the world. I thought it was cute anyway. He would mutter sometimes, but just mostly knicknames he called me (or maybe his other girls, who knows).

I used to fall asleep at work regularly and would talk in my sleep when I was half in half out of it (third shift job). Once I reportedly said "I love Ganon". We had been having a heated discussion about the then upcoming Celda game, Windwaker.

One of my coworkers was a regular napper and he would mutter disgusting stuff in his sleep between log sawing snoring like "hit that pussy" "whoreslut" and things like that. Call out coworkers names in a moaning voice (male and female). It used to gross my buddy Francois out REAL bad. This snoring dude certainly didnt treat women very well in his dreams and didnt have them when he was awake so it all evened out I guess.
 
Entertaining for 3 AM..

My aunt told me my uncle sometimes talks in his sleeps (as well as kicking and moving around). In the middle of the night, my aunt and uncle seem to be sleeping peacefully till my uncle tapped my aunt on the shoulder and said, "I'm gonna kick your ass." and plopped back to sleep. Needless to say, my aunt didn't really sleep that well.
Deja vu ..

Also my mom was conversating with me when I was younger, apparently I sleep talk back then.. don't remember the details, but it was little stuff like, "I'm going to school"
"Get my uniform!"
"I have to do this!"
 
Came home one night to the babysitter asleep on the couch. She was mumbleing "Jeffery......Jeffery......Jeffery" then some silence then she blurted out "you ain't my daddy and you ain't puttin that in my ass" I waited for more but it did'nt go anywhere after that

My daughter used to talk in her sleep, sometimes in a deep kind of posessed deep manly voice I passed her room one night and she kept repeating over and over in that voice "there's no more lasagna Garfield....theres no more lasagna.

My wife told me I once said in my sleep "the winner of the first annual dancing squirrel contest is"
 
"PMS? At least I have one." said by a friend of mine at a sleep over birthday party in 6th grade.
 
[quote name='snotknocker']Came home one night to the babysitter asleep on the couch. She was mumbleing "Jeffery......Jeffery......Jeffery" then some silence then she blurted out "you ain't my daddy and you ain't puttin that in my ass" I waited for more but it did'nt go anywhere after that

My daughter used to talk in her sleep, sometimes in a deep kind of posessed deep manly voice I passed her room one night and she kept repeating over and over in that voice "there's no more lasagna Garfield....theres no more lasagna.

My wife told me I once said in my sleep "the winner of the first annual dancing squirrel contest is"[/QUOTE]


I really don't want to know what happened to your babysitter after you heard that...

Thank god you introduced her to Garfield vs that pokemon crap.

So...who one the squirrel contest?
 
Here's a great trick, I used to do it to my sister:

Get a flashlight, shine it right into her eyes while she was sleeping and yell, as loud I could "TRAIN, GET OFF THE TRACKS....TRRRRRRRAAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNNN"

Feel free to use that on any one, thing is, it's always funny, no matter how often you do it. Like killing homeless people.
 
[quote name='snotknocker']Came home one night to the babysitter asleep on the couch. She was mumbleing "Jeffery......Jeffery......Jeffery" then some silence then she blurted out "you ain't my daddy and you ain't puttin that in my ass" I waited for more but it did'nt go anywhere after that[/quote]

:rofl:
 
My roommate back in Sophomore year of college used to sleep on the couch all day and one time I came back from class and I heard him say the following:

"blehblehbleh you fuckER!........SPATCH!....guh....WAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

So I woke him up and said "Dude, wtf is wrong with you?!" and he denied saying any of it, hahaha.
 
Oh man. I guess this isn't that funny, but I thought so at the time. At a summer camp I once went to, the guy I bunked with just randomly sat up in the middle of the night (at like 2 AM, and he was still asleep) and said "Dude. Once I went to 7/11 and I bought a fucking huge slurpee. It was some good fucking shit." and went right back to bed. I laughed for about five minutes after that happened. *snore* *wake up* "fucking huge...good fucking shit." *hits the bed* *snore*
 
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