Which Mitch Hedburg joke are you?

N

normalmode

Banned
I think I'm: "No matter how good I get at tennis, I'll never be as good as a wall."

And my favorite: "A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
 
"How do you make Mitch Hedburg funny?"
"Blow his head off and play in his entrails"

Actually, I have no idea what you're talking about :lol:
 
As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So, if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend like I got there accidentally. "How'd I get up here, Goddamnit!? I guess I have to slide down. WEEEEE!!!!" That's what you say when you're having fun — you refer to yourself and some other people.
 
"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator temporarily out of order sign, just Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
 
"I wrote a script, then I brought it to this guy who reads scripts. He said "It's pretty good, but you'll have to rewrite it" I said "fuck that, I'll just make a copy"
 
I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
 
"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all damn day! In fact, if you wear a backpack and a turtle-neck, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down!"
 
Here's one from Mitch's predecessor of misdirectional comedy monologue, Steven Wright:

"Everywhere's walking distance... if you have the time."
 
[quote name='TXboxGuY']"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator temporarily out of order sign, just Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."[/QUOTE]

Bastard! That was in my sig for months! :evil:

.... At least you have taste. ;)

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
 "I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top."
 "On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at..."


"That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me."


"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable..."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
 
"dogs are forever in the push up position."

"A fly was very close to being called a land, because thats what it does half the time."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
bread's done
Back
Top