Can't wait for the inevitable, "Man, I just bought an Arcade, damn," posts when the Slims are announced with awesome new features you can't possibly imagine right now.
"Microsoft today announced the newest version of their console, the Xbox 361. In addition to the current stable of features included with the current Xbox 360, the new 361 also comes with new virtual reality goggles, free Xbox Live Gold functionality for the life of the console, a 256 gb flash drive, a slot blu-ray drive for the new exclusive 361 BD-based games, enhanced GPU hardware to provide actual 1080p graphics at fluid 120 fps, built-in wireless N, four USB3 ports for expansion, and an included breadmaker accessory, Breadmaking Online Biomechanoid (BOB) that will generate loaves of bread based on the number of achievements you gain. Included is a lifetime supply of the new Xbox 361 BOB cartridges that will resupply the machine. (Avoid getting BOB wet. Microsoft cannot be held accountable if the BOB unit is exposed to water. Also, avoid talking to BOB. Sentience has been known to occur. In the event of a Red Ring of Life Event, do not attempt to pull the plug. BOB may attempt to begin World War 3.)
It also comes packaged with two Xbox 361 Controller-XT's. Newly announced, these controllers use a new wireless technology that is less prone to causing brain damage than the prior version. Completely incompatible with the older generation console, these controllers include silent fans built into the grips to cool your palms, motion control technology, speakers, and a crosspad licensed from Nintendo. Included with each controller is the Nintendo Seal of Approval and copies of every NES and SNES game ever developed by Nintendo now ported and improved by Nintendo themselves. The new 361 includes an HDMI port that includes full DTS HD MA and Dolby Digital Plus encoding and LPCM output.
Every 361 also includes a copy of Halo Collection including Halo, Halo 2, Halo 3, Halo ODST, and the upcoming Halo Reach. Exclusively with the new console, Halo 1 and 2 have been remastered to HD in video and audio with updated and restarted online features. Each part of the Collection can be bought separately, starting at $39.99 for Halo HD.
Every Xbox 361 includes the Microsoft Natal add-on built into the unit and exclusive Microsoft-branded Natal sweatshirt, sweatpants, gloves, and socks. Beyond simply fashionable in bright lime green and orange with white trim coloring, the new 361Fit will give your Natal console new features including heartrate monitor, arousal indicators, and mind-shattering electric shock feedback in select areas. (Microsoft cannot be held responsible for misuse or abuse of the Xbox 361Fit or the electrodes that become exposed over the course of use. If you are susceptible to death by electrocution, please do not use. Do not wash the Xbox 361Fit. Use the included envelope and ship back at your expense to a local Microsoft Washing Center. In 7-15 business days, Microsoft will return to you at your expense a refurbished, but clean Xbox 361Fit.) The Project Natal unit will not become available separately for six months after launch of the Xbox 361.
Available at launch: The new Xbox 361 Elite that includes all of the above Arcade features and also adds a new holographic projector attachment, along with a game to go with it, Duck Hunt VR.
Priced at $199.99 with a $25 gift card at amazon.com for a limited time, the Xbox 361 Arcade is priced to move. The Xbox 361 Elite will launch at a price of $299.99 for a limited time for those that trade in their working Xbox 360. (This offer does not include the faulty 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, or many 2010 Xbox 360 units prone to hardware malfunction.)
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'Cept for the wife part. I'm 17, and I think that may be frowned upon in many places.