How to stop my mom from ****ing up all my relationships? LONG READ *need married guy help*

jcp42877

jcp42877

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So I've had several gfs in the past, some whom my mom liked, some who tried to steal me away from my family and my mom hated them. I'm 23 (soon to be 24) and have lived at home (because of college and work...and a few wasted opportunities) until recently last year when I joined the Navy, so I'm out on my own now and very happy for it.

Well recently a girl on Instagram started chatting me up and it turns out she's from Georgia as well, not too too far from where I grew up. We exchanged numbers and started calling and texting, and have now been talking for about 2 months. She has come down to see me in Florida where I'm stationed right now multiple times, and everything has just been so great. She is without a doubt the best looking girl I have ever talked to/dated, to the point that all my Navy buddies are envious of my life haha.

She's everything I've wanted in a girl...independent, church-going, has a steady teaching job AND a degree from Juilliard. She's only 22 and already owns her own house and everything. Not to mention she makes me incredibly happy.

Well she recently has been wanting to talk to my mom and get to know her, or as she said "start a relationship with her sooner than later". I was nervous at first about this because I know how my mom is, but I eventually gave in and gave her my mom's number so she could text or call her and basically "introduce" herself. My mom knows about her because I've brought her up several times, but she only KNOWS about her, never met her...but I don't think my mom knows the extent of how much I care for this girl..

I came back from my classes tonight to find out my girl had texted my mom and talked to her some. Apparently it only went okay because I saw my texts and my girl said "i think she hates me..im crying" but eventually had sent one that said "it ended okay". She had already fallen asleep when I got back, so she wasnt up to tell me how it went over the phone. I DID she that my mom had called me and left a voicemail because she missed one of my calls earlier today and added in the message "oh your FRIEND cameron text me. not sure what she wants, but i hope youre okay.."

I then saw my mom had facebook messaged me (how i keep up with the family over the week) 2 hours AFTER she and cameron had been talking, and didnt even mention their conversation once in the message. Not even one. thing. about. her.

I'll get all the details from my girl tomorrow, but it's left me a bit pissed off. Even when I'm finally out on my own, doing well with a good career...my mom seems to ruin everything good I have. What scares me is the fact that Cameron and I have been even talking about marriage and a couple of other things like her moving with me to my next command, etc., and I feel like my mom will only shit on the idea and tell me I'm wasting my opportunities in life and making a mistake (forget the fact that I'm in the top majority of my class and passing with flying colors on my certs and everything else). I don't even want to know what she'll say when we tell her we want to get "legally" married on paper (to get the Navy marriage benefits), and wait to do a ceremony later when more time has been involved in planning.

I love my mom, I do. But I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm ready to move on. Beforehand I was living at home working dead end jobs with no way to support anyone, but that has finally changed. I'll be 24 in a couple of months, and ive already told myself I want to be married with at least 1 child before I hit 25. How do I tell my mom that I'm not her little baby anymore and I'm ready for important life choices? I want her to know this girl is more than a FRIEND, and that yes, while we met through social media, that doesn't change the fact we've met and have consistently talked for a while now. 

 
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I think you know what you need to do and I hope typing out your rant (and I mean that with kindness) was at the very least therapeutic. You seem intelligent and self aware so find the nicest way possible to let your mom know you love her and always want to have her in your life (as much as you can stomach) but that you feel strongly for this girl and you're going to try and make a go of it with her approval or not and it would mean a lot to you if she took an interest (positive) in your relationship.

I read a lot of "mom, mom, mom". Did you grow up in a single parent household? I only ask out of curiosity because it might explain why your mom may have problems warming up to your girlfriends.

Either way though try not to stress over this to the point where it effects your relationship or work. She is always going to be your mother but how you react and deal with this situation may make or break your current relationship. 

 
GBAstar said:
I think you know what you need to do and I hope typing out your rant (and I mean that with kindness) was at the very least therapeutic. You seem intelligent and self aware so find the nicest way possible to let your mom know you love her and always want to have her in your life (as much as you can stomach) but that you feel strongly for this girl and you're going to try and make a go of it with her approval or not and it would mean a lot to you if she took an interest (positive) in your relationship.

I read a lot of "mom, mom, mom". Did you grow up in a single parent household? I only ask out of curiosity because it might explain why your mom may have problems warming up to your girlfriends.

Either way though try not to stress over this to the point where it effects your relationship or work. She is always going to be your mother but how you react and deal with this situation may make or break your current relationship.
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Thanks for the input! And yes, it felt good to have that all written out aha. And no, my dad is in the picture too. They've been together for 26 years, but my dad has never been the issue. Mom is always the one that the girl has to win over. I've done stupid things in the past, but my dad usually doesn't say much about it, not because he doesn't care, but because he just isn't very confrontational about things like that, and prefer I learn things on my own; whether they be good or bad, it's done myself.

I'm not terribly stressed about it, because well, I have control of this situation, not my mom. I want her to approve of course, and I want her to be apart of my life still, but I don't want her scaring off people i'm interested in (finally more than dating at this point, but starting a new life) when I dont even live with her anymore. And it always sucks because girls take things so sensitively when it comes to the guy's mom, almost to the point that if the mom doesn't love them from the get-go, they think it won't work out and get very insecure with the guy. I don;t want that to happen, but Cameron and I have already talked and we both agree we are old enough to do things on our own now, whether or not anyone ultimately approves.

And in case it makes a difference, I'm not an only child. I have a younger brother who just turned 20. He has been with his girlfriend for 3 years and my mom just loves her. Then again, her family goes to my parents church so they've known them for a while. I've always been sort of the problem child with my mom. Me going in the Navy was one of the proudest moments for her and dad, and I know she doesn't want me to waste my life, or get things "fogged up" by a girl, but I think what I want is very within reach and possible.

 
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my mom is literally crazy, my dad was an adulterer and my step mom a bitch. but i visit them all regularly and my and mine get along with them very well. All because I always speak the truth when it Is needed, no secrets and no discussions behind their back. Family first and all that. At some point I had a discussion with all of them that I would never be out of their lives and I would never hold my kin over their heads when not getting along. They all know how I feel, and it has been aired out.

Prepare the woman you love and tell those that would cause problems how it is, but never threaten or hold something ever them.

It isn't easy, but you are out of her house so at least you can manage the meetings and such.

 
^ Yeah you have the right idea. Make sure she knows that she comes first (your girlfriend)... the last thing a girl wants is to have to compete with your mother for your approval. I'm sure you've already communicated this but make sure your girlfriend knows that it isn't her job or responsibility to win over your mother otherwise she might try too hard or put a lot of strain on your relationship if that doesn't happen right away.

Again you seem like you're in a pretty good spot in your life. There are certain things that are always going to be out of your control and how your mom reacts towards the people that are important in your life is one of them. Just make sure she knows that how she behaves isn't going to change how you feel towards you girlfriend---where you seem to be seriously considering starting a family of your own (have you voiced this at all with your mom?) it might be in your mother's best interest to start playing nice if she wants to unlimited access to her grand children.

 
Why would your mom ever be concerned? You've known this girl for two whole months now, and you're all ready to get married and have a baby just because you want to meet some bullshit deadline you've set for yourself.

 
pitfallharry219 said:
Why would your mom ever be concerned? You've known this girl for two whole months now, and you're all ready to get married and have a baby just because you want to meet some bullshit deadline you've set for yourself.
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Well kind of harsh when you put it that way, but all that is beside the point to the whole purpose of me posting. The fact that whether it's soon or a while from now...i'm eventually going to fall for someone and get married. I would just prefer not to wait my entire life before that happens, and I truly believe meeting this girl was a Godsend. It wasn't even something I had to initiate in the pursuing. I wasn't even looking for someone to date when we started talking, but one thing led to another and I can't help the way I feel for this person now. I'm in no rush to get married, but I'm just saying the benefits are there for when I DO tie the knot. The "deadline" I posted is more of what I would like, not what might actually happen.

My mother knows nothing about the things Cameron and I have discussed on our own time, but the fact she still only sees her as a friend and nothing more is what annoys me. Because if she acts that way about that, giving me shit and whatnot, I have no clue how she'll react when I make life altering choices.

 
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pitfallharry219 said:
Why would your mom ever be concerned? You've known this girl for two whole months now, and you're all ready to get married and have a baby just because you want to meet some bullshit deadline you've set for yourself.
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So what if he wants to do that. Is dating longer guaranteed to make their marriage better or last longer?

I'd recommend marriage counseling before you go through with it. Anecdotally, my inlaws have been married for 40 years and they knew each other for less than 6 months when they got married.

As far as your mom goes, I'd talk to her and try to tell her to back off. If she won't respect your choices you may have to not see much of her for a while, but she'll come around.
 
I don't normally give advice but on this topic I can't help myself. I have a mother that sounds very similar. She will NEVER come around. I have to keep my mom at arms length because she is like a cancer and will suck you in to the drama and the big pity party that is her life. A mom should be accepting of you and your gal. If she has an opinion about your life and relationship that's fine but it's your life and your relationship always remember that. 

 
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General rule of thumb, 1 year of dating, 1 year of living together, if that works out, then look into getting married.  

 
Wow. 23, in the military, plans to have a kid and married by 25, a girl that he met on the internet and has known for 2 whole months with plans to "get married" for the military spousal benefits. Yeah, this sounds like it'll work out REALLY well...

Hate to burst your bubble dude, but all this sounds like a recipe for disaster on all fronts. You're only 23, so take your time with this stuff. These are major life decisions and being a military man, there should be no shortage of stories you've heard about whirlwind relationships.

In regards to your mom, it sounds like she'll only be happy with a girl you bring home from your family's church, so good luck with that.
 
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I don't have an overbearing mother but it sounds like you just need to talk. If she's unwilling to let you grow up and make your own decisions then it's not your problem anymore, it's hers. And if things don't work out with your gf in the end then that's called part of life. We all go through some shit and we learn from it.

BTW I find it odd that your gf introduced herself through a text. Is this the norm now? If she means that much to you then it should've been done properly and in person. It shows more respect.

 
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GBAstar said:
^ Yeah you have the right idea. Make sure she knows that she comes first (your girlfriend)... the last thing a girl wants is to have to compete with your mother for your approval. I'm sure you've already communicated this but make sure your girlfriend knows that it isn't her job or responsibility to win over your mother otherwise she might try too hard or put a lot of strain on your relationship if that doesn't happen right away.
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Yep. That's about the best that can be done about your mom. Just tell your girlfriend that she can be a pain, and hasn't been accepting of past girlfriends etc. And that you care about her and don't expect her to have to win over your move for your relationship to work out. If your mom is still being a pain and ruining your relationships, then it's time to reassess how close your relationship with your mom should be.

dohdough said:
Wow. 23, in the military, plans to have a kid and married by 25, a girl that he met on the internet and has known for 2 whole months with plans to "get married" for the military spousal benefits. Yeah, this sounds like it'll work out REALLY well...

Hate to burst your bubble dude, but all this sounds like a recipe for disaster on all fronts. You're only 23, so take your time with this stuff. These are major life decisions and being a military man, there should be no shortage of stories you've heard about whirlwind relationships.

In regards to your mom, it sounds like she'll only be happy with a girl you bring home from your family's church, so good luck with that.
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Rodimus said:
I've seen 3 military marriages end within only a few years. One was my brother which ended badly since they had a kid. She moved out of state and he rarely sees his kid. You guys feel this need to lock down your girl and slap on the word "benefits" to justify a life long decision. You have time, just enjoy each others company, move in together, travel and have lots of experiences. After a while you'll know if you're able to live with this person for the rest of your life.
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So much these two posts.

There's no need to rush anything. The benefits aren't worth making a bad decision that can potentially ruin your life if it goes bad.

Take your time. Get to know each other. Make sure things work. Live together first, and for a long time, if that is permissible in your religious/moral system. I've had relationships that seemed great and fizzled out over time after realizing we just weren't compatible living together and totally merging our lives.

You're only 23, so there's even less reason to hurry. I'm 35 and engaged and living with my fiancee and in no rush to push the marriage forward. I'm very confident in our future as we get along great and things have been even better since moving in together, rather than deteriorating like my past long-term relationships. There's just no reason to not take some more time, and have the both of us get more settled down professionally, figure out where we're going to end up living long term etc.

 
Rodimus said:
BTW I find it odd that your gf introduced herself through a text. Is the the norm now? If she means that much to you then it should've been done properly and in person. It shows more respect.
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This. In what world does this seem like it could EVER go "well". For one, you're basically throwing your gf to the wolves. Granted, it's not as bad as sending her by herself to meet your mom in person, but there's just so much that can be misconstrued in text form (especially if one party is looking for a reason to not like the other). And it kind of makes you look like a pussy. Who doesn't take their bf/gf to meet their parents? You're wondering why your mom's text response about your "friend" seemed so weird. It's because what you had her do was weird.

Also, no offence, but I even had some red flags going up with the gf. She's 22...with a degree from Juilliard...is a teacher...and is already a home owner? I don't know if you realize this, but that's incredibly uncommon. Unless her family is loaded (which, I'm sorry...would probably lower the chances of her meeting somebody on Instagram), I'd be following up on those details a bit closer.

You mentioned her visiting you. Have you ever seen that house that she owns? Until you've known her long enough to know if she's a trustworthy person (and I'm sorry, 2 months isn't long enough if you're not around her regularly)...you need to pump the brakes a bit. Talking about marriage after 2 months is also uncommon. It does happen...but when it's not Romeo & Juliet passion...and based around government benefits, eh...I'd be very careful. Going after military guys could just be "what she does".

I realize all of this basically sounds like bad stuff. But honestly, it's mostly because you seem to be trying to move too fast and force things. Allow the relationship to grow organically, and I'm willing to bet your mom will have less problems with it. Now, that doesn't factor in the church angle and any general "that's my little boy" rhetoric...but if all you're showing your mom is crazy relationships and impulsive behavior, her reactions (even if too strong) will be justified.

 
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Rodimus said:
BTW I find it odd that your gf introduced herself through a text. Is the the norm now? If she means that much to you then it should've been done properly and in person. It shows more respect.
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This too! This was a bad idea. The introduction to your mom should have been done BY YOU, IN PERSON!

 
shrike4242 said:
I'm surprised no one has put in the "stick it in her pooper" reference yet.
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Was going to, but he mentioned she's "church going" and I took that as another word for we haven't banged yet.

Which by the way is ANOTHER HUGE MISTAKE. People who don't make sure they are sexually compatible before getting married are out of their minds.

I have two words of advice for you. 1) Slow the fuck down. Live life, with or without this girl. Stop putting age deadlines or expectations on things. You're definitely going to regret that.

2) tell your mom to back off and while you love her, she can't interfere with what you want out of your life.


But honestly dude. Pump the brakes.

Oh and also, post a photo of her. Don't brag and not show it.
 
DestroVega said:
Was going to, but he mentioned she's "church going" and I took that as another word for we haven't banged yet.
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In certain circles, that'd be code for them doing it exclusively in the pooper(his or hers...equal opportunity amirite?). Some religious types preserve their virginity as long as it isn't the vagine. Loopholes are awesome like that if you're into that kind of thing.

Oh and also, post a photo of her. Don't brag and not show it.
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JOEBOO said:
I have to keep my mom at arms length because she is like a cancer and will suck you in to the drama and the big pity party that is her life.
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Brother?

Just kidding, I'm an only child, but this describes my mom so very well.

Everything that needs to be said about OP's situation has already been said in this topic. Slow the fuck down, and who the fuck introduces themselves to their SO's mom IN A TEXT?

 
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yeah....agree with most of the posters here.

You've known her for 2 months.  Way too soon to consider marriage.  As for your mom....well, introduction by text isnt the greatest start...and maybe she knows you have a tendency to rush relationships (not saying that you do, but if you're talking about marriage 2 months in maybe you've done that in other relationships too...) and so she wants to see if this is a relationship for the long haul.  Just slow down and enjoy dating first!

 
My ex proposed to a girl (year and a half after our relationship ended so not me) two months after meeting.  Yeah, they aren't together anymore.  Didn't even make it to marriage.

 
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Just be very clear in your communication with your mom. 
 
She will have her natural defensive reaction to scrutinize your relationship as how she sees fit.  But the important thing is you need to define to her how important Cameron is to you and how happy you have been with her.  This is conversation that is about you, not your mom.  While you need to recognize your relationship with your mom out in the open and identify your desire to want your mom to be happy and included, the focus of the conversation needs to be about how you guys are together now.  Emotions will ride with whatever the direction of the conversation goes but since the conversation can go in any direction, it's important to be clear and focused about what you want to communicate. 
 
My wife and I first met when we were 18.  My mom did not approve because it was an interracial relationship.  She didn't warm up to her for a long time.  It wasn't until I moved out and settled down with her that she finally got over her reservations, accepted my wife, and moved on.  It's to the point where when my wife told her we were expecting our first child, my mom broke into tears and said it was one of the happiest days in her life.  She's gone a long way but the effect of father time and realizing her son grew up to be truly independent of her got her "over" and be happy with us as a couple.  I wish I could have been more direct with my mom when I first introduced her to my at the time girlfriend instead of veering off into arguments over the dumbest things.  Emotions took over and we started bickering over the most pointless things. 
 
One observation I have is: you guys are talking about marriage pretty early .  It's only been a few months and I'm personally skeptical about determining whether a person is "the one" that early in a relationship.  There are a ton of variables and situations that have yet to arise between you two so you won't really know how you guys will react until it happens.  I know every relationship is unique so I'm careful to just word it as an "observation" than a "recommendation." 
 
 
 
 
 
I might be a little late to the party and I am not a guy, but I am married and went through something similar

My mom get jealous of my relationship with my then boyfriend and would try to stop us from dating, I refused so I came home from our date one night to all my shit in the trash and on the lawn.

I ended up going two years without talking to her til she let me talk to her after an emergency. During that time I got married to my husband and had to tell her this happened while she cut me out. She tried to make me "choose" and I told her quite simply, I'm an adult, get used to it, I will choose my other half over you, and he makes me happy and loves me for me, which is the most important thing? I mean who wouldn't want that for their child?. It took some getting used to for her at first, but she now loves him like a son and is no longer shows the jealousy of my relationship that she had and if she hadn't well then she would be like my dad, who I now know nothing of because he refused to accept my relationship and tried to beat the crap out of my husband for no reason so I cut him out. Sometimes you just have to make the decision to start YOUR life
 
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22 with a teaching job seems a little hard to swallow, I know that's unheard of hear in CA. People are still going to school and at most subbing at schools. What's your girls secret?

 
skiizim said:
22 with a teaching job seems a little hard to swallow, I know that's unheard of hear in CA. People are still going to school and at most subbing at schools. What's your girls secret?
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I started teaching at 23 in CA, and I took an extra semester to get through college. I don't think that 22 is beyond the realm of possibility.
 
pacifickarma said:
I started teaching at 23 in CA, and I took an extra semester to get through college. I don't think that 22 is beyond the realm of possibility.
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It would be nearly impossible in CT but it's one of the hardest states to get certified in.

Have we heard from OP recently?

 
pacifickarma said:
I started teaching at 23 in CA, and I took an extra semester to get through college. I don't think that 22 is beyond the realm of possibility.
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Was this full time at a non-charter school and/or do you live in a rural area where teachers are hard to come by? I find it kind of hard, especially right out of college in urban areas. Maybe some type of charter school where they don't care about credentials.

 
skiizim said:
Was this full time at a non-charter school and/or do you live in a rural area where teachers are hard to come by? I find it kind of hard, especially right out of college in urban areas. Maybe some type of charter school where they don't care about credentials.
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It was at a public high school in a town of 300,000 people. I was probably the youngest teacher at the school.
 
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