Help with a romantic/friendship/gift giving situation

Tora Chan

Tora Chan

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I'm in sort of a predicament and would like the advice from people here.

I developed romantic feelings for a woman that I help study at my college. She is an international student from Japan, and I've been helping her with her classes for the last 2 months. Her grades have improved exponentially since I've been helping her, and she has been very grateful for that.

Other than studying, we do things like go to watch movies, eat at restaurants, and I cook for her at my apartment. But I feel like she does those things out of obligation from me helping her, rather than a specific interest in me. I've told her before that I wished to be more than friends, but she suggested that we remain what we are in a nice way.

Anyway, she always talked about her desire to learn how to play acoustic guitar, so I thought it would be nice to buy her this for Christmas:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000W72MDE?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_s00

A decent guitar that comes with materials that help the person learn.

I'm afraid that she will not accept the gift, viewing it as "too much"... but if she does accept it (after my continuous protests of her initial refusal), she will forever feel uncomfortable with me and I will ruin the friendship we have now.

What should I do? I'm thinking about giving it to her anyway, because I'm very confident that it is something she will love and enjoy... but I'm afraid of the consequences that come with that.

TL;DR = I want to give an "overly nice" gift to a girl that I help with her college work who previously turned me down, but afraid of what might happen. Advice please.

Thanks.

 
The short and sweet is if you're comfortable with spending the money without worry that she will continue to view your relationship as just friends, then go for it. I don't see any consequence other than it being a waste of your time and money.

It seems to me that you're still "wooing" this gal.  While it's your time and effort to spend as how you see fit, I hope you don't have any illusions that she'll fall for you one of these days.  You've been helping this girl academically and the results speak for themselves.  Her success isn't something she takes for granted and she's smart enough to realize it helps her most if she keeps the current pace going.  But I've always been of the opinion that when guys and girls hang out exclusively, it's because they are either genuinely attracted to each other or they fall into the exception of being long time friends having grown up with one another.  Most people tend to hang out with their inner circle of friends of the same sex and even if it's with the opposite sex it's because they're hooked up with one of the people in the group.  Every girl friend I've hung out with was either my buddies girlfriend or somebody I was smitten with and trying to hook up with.  While I'm no love doctor, every relationship I've had with the opposite sex has been for romantic/sexual reasons.  I have never bought any gifts for my girl friends, but I've bought plenty for my girlfriends.

I don't see this ending well for you.  I don't believe in the idea that women play hard to get.  You've spent long enough time to read her feelings and it seems pretty spot on that she's just going along for the ride so as to not hurt your feelings.  If she was to play along, she'd at least respond to any of your advances or at least return some flirting back.  If she was truly into you, she wouldn't risk rejecting your romantic advances at the possibility of you just eventually moving on.  The only exception I can see is if a girl has just got out of a long term relationship and is enjoying her freedom and is careful not to send out any romantic signals to maintain that independence for the time being.

Is she going to leave this country in the near future?  Because if this were to even be a long term relationship, that'd be a horrendous idea.
 
Let it go, homes. If you have a feeling that it'll make her feel uncomfortable, then you definitely shouldn't be entertaining the thought any longer. Save that $200 for yourself and stop hanging out with her since you're feeling like she's doing it out of obligation. I was a bit of a love-fool when I was younger, but there is no way in hell I'd spend even $100 for a gift on someone I wasn't even dating.

 
12291795_1090660684298017_8317489762954017787_o.jpg


 
Go the bar, bring some mistletoe, get really drunk with her, and then plant one on her.  You can always play the "what, I was blind drunk and don't remember it" card.

 
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You got friend-zoned. Happens to the best of us. But that's too expensive for someone you're not dating. You should start to distance yourself right now or the fall is going to be harder down the road. Still be friends, but even you realize she doesn't dig you. The sooner you come to terms with that the better.

But it's not "Game Over". If you keep chasing her you're blind to other possibilities with other girls.

 
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Tora Chan said:
Other than studying, we do things like go to watch movies, eat at restaurants, and I cook for her at my apartment. But
I feel like she does those things out of obligation from me helping her, rather than a specific interest in me. I've told her before that I wished to be more than friends, but she suggested that we remain what we are in a nice way.

I'm afraid that she will not accept the gift, viewing it as "too much"... but if she does accept it (after my continuous protests of her initial refusal), she will forever feel uncomfortable with me and I will ruin the friendship we have now.
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These sections stood out to me. You've put yourself out there and she turned you down. There's your answer. Don't buy the gift. Respect her feelings. Continuously hounding her about it won't work in your favor either. It'll drive her away and make her uncomfortable like you said. Keep it platonic with her. Focus your gifting abilities on someone who likes you back and doesn't feel obligated to be nice so you don't cut off their tutoring.
 
Do not buy her the damn guitar! You're too nice already and it seems like your whole life is devoted to her now. That's actually a huge freaking turn off for a women right there. Time to show her your actually a man and move on with your life.
 
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No harm in giving a nice gift to someone. No need to worry about it dude, I bet you anything she will love it. Sounds like she's just being modest. If you want to get that gift for her, do it. She would love it.

 
This really is too nice of a gift for someone you're not dating, man. You should be giving a gift of $50 value tops in this situation. 

 
CaptainJoel said:
This really is too nice of a gift for someone you're not dating, man. You should be giving a gift of $50 value tops in this situation.
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I don't agree with this, she can take it however she wants to take it... But in the end, it's a generous action. Maybe she will get what he's trying to do, maybe not. But Tora Chan, I would say give it to her because you care about her, not just because you hope that she will fall in love with you all because of a gift. Think about it.

 
Cojiro said:
I don't agree with this, she can take it however she wants to take it... But in the end, it's a generous action. Maybe she will get what he's trying to do, maybe not. But Tora Chan, I would say give it to her because you care about her, not just because you hope that she will fall in love with you all because of a gift. Think about it.
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Sure, she can take it however she wants to take it, but he's also asking because he thinks it may end his friendship. I think she'd think it's creepy, so I'd advise against it purely on that reason.

The fact that he says he feels like she hangs with him only because he helps her specifically makes it seem like a major waste of time. It's probably just going to be something he'll regret later when it goes nowhere and they completely stop hanging out. Then again, I have been wrong before on things like this. Not often, but I have been.

 
Shit I just read the line that says:

"I've told her before that I wished to be more than friends, but she suggested that we remain what we are in a nice way."

Yeah, I get it now. Tora Chan, if you give this gift to her make sure you say you gave it to her as a friend. Maybe not exactly like that, but yeah. If you want to help her out then do what you want, but just explain to her that it's because you love her and all that, but because... Shit idk how to say it. Do you get what I'm trying to get at?

(I see what you mean now CaptainJoel)

 
You can't make someone be interested in you. And really would you want to date someone when that person only showed interest after you bought them a nice gift?

If you've helped her, she should be one buying the gift.
 
usickenme said:
You can't make someone be interested in you. And really would you want to date someone when that person only showed interest after you bought them a nice gift?

If you've helped her, she should be one buying the gift.
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Haha...I actually had the same thought too unless the OP is already being paid for it.

 
I appreciate reading all of your replies, even the ones that insinuated that I had absolutely no chance in this situation.

I gave her the gift tonight. She was completely shocked and very excited about it, and as I expected, was reluctant to accept it at first and even suggested that I take it back and that it was "too much". But I assured her (which is 100% true) that I enjoy the act of gift giving to the people I care about, and made it clear that she wasn't the only one I went through the time and effort to find a great gift for (which is also 100% true). I also work full-time at a pretty good job, so the price wasn't an issue to me, but I can understand why she would be concerned. 

After thinking about it (and reading the replies of the more level-headed people here), I have determined that I really do not have a romantic shot with her. Even though that's a harsh truth that is tough to swallow, it may be for the best. I honestly knew my chances were low before even buying the gift, but I bought it anyway and risked destroying what we had just for the chance of making her happy with something I could give her. I'm pretty stupid and naive lol

But thanks for all of your advice, opinions, and harsh truths. Whether I end up dating her or not, seeing her excited and happy is worth the effort in the long run (at least until I lose the ability to do things that make her happy). 

 
Dude the only reason I was harsh because I've been in your shoes. Although I probably would've ignored the advice and given the gift as well. Glad to see you are realizing what is up, it sucks.

Hopefully you'll find things much easier next time 'cause that's the way it's supposed to be.
 
usickenme said:
Dude the only reason I was harsh because I've been in your shoes. Although I probably would've ignored the advice and given the gift as well. Glad to see you are realizing what is up, it sucks.

Hopefully you'll find things much easier next time 'cause that's the way it's supposed to be.
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I appreciate you not only being harsh, but being honest. Being in love with someone is more painful than enjoyable (at least for me lol) and I've reminded myself of why I felt that way.

But seeing her so happy is what matters. Whether I am friend zoned or not. I would like to think that caring about her happiness over me being her boyfriend somehow makes me a good person... or maybe that's white knight, beta thinking :)

 
I'm disappointed. No one has mentioned...ya know. I guess he's not there yet anyone.

More directly on topic, don't play around. Get to the point with her. Ask or out or move on. Romantic gestures aren't appreciated unless the feeling is reciprocated. It's a waste of time and money otherwise.

I have also been in those shoes. Major regret haunted me for not expressing my feelings.
 
Tora Chan said:
I appreciate you not only being harsh, but being honest. Being in love with someone is more painful than enjoyable (at least for me lol) and I've reminded myself of why I felt that way.

But seeing her so happy is what matters. Whether I am friend zoned or not. I would like to think that caring about her happiness over me being her boyfriend somehow makes me a good person... or maybe that's white knight, beta thinking :)
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To put the happiness of others before yours is self sacrifice and mighty chivalrous and noble of you. But if you feel those pangs of jealousy when she's dating someone else, it will be best to distance yourself and pursue other options and directions.

 
Ziv said:
I'm disappointed. No one has mentioned...ya know. I guess he's not there yet anyone.
More directly on topic, don't play around. Get to the point with her. Ask or out or move on. Romantic gestures aren't appreciated unless the feeling is reciprocated. It's a waste of time and money otherwise.
I have also been in those shoes. Major regret haunted me for not expressing my feelings.
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I did express my feelings already, but she politely turned me down to remain friends. I think I told her too early, as we haven't known each other for that long at the time. Since I still have feelings for her, I was thinking of getting to know her further (including the "bad" parts about her) to determine if I truly like her.

If I do still like her, and after spending more time developing a good friendship, I was going to try confession again to let her know I'm serious. Maybe it's a dumb idea, but I would feel worse if I didn't try all than if I tried and it failed.
 
mitch079 said:
To put the happiness of others before yours is self sacrifice and mighty chivalrous and noble of you. But if you feel those pangs of jealousy when she's dating someone else, it will be best to distance yourself and pursue other options and directions.
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For right now, it doesn't seem like she has anyone in her sights (I could be wrong though). But you're right, as soon as she has someone else or I know that she is even considering someone else, I will distance myself and forget all feelings towards her
 
Tora Chan said:
If I do still like her, and after spending more time developing a good friendship, I was going to try confession again to let her know I'm serious. Maybe it's a dumb idea, but I would feel worse if I didn't try all than if I tried and it failed.
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If you do that and get rejected again you will truly have your answer without question.

I did almost the same as you, confessed early got rejected waited a couple months confessed again. That was my que to give up. She told me she even considered dating me at some point, but now that I look back she was too much of a party girl for me anyways. She definitely would've ended up cheating on me, after seeing the kind of person she became latter...... but that's a different story...

 
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Rodimus said:
If you do that and get rejected again you will truly have your answer without question.

I did almost the same as you, confessed early got rejected waited a couple months confessed again. That was my que to give up. She told me she even considered dating me at some point, but now that I look back she was too much of a party girl for me anyways. She definitely would've ended up cheating on me, after seeing the kind of person she became latter...... but that's a different story...
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I'm sorry that it didn't end well for you. But that's a lot better than it could have been, especially if you later thought she would end up cheating on you.

It's tough, but I really feel that I should hang in there and keep trying. Be myself, get to know her, and if we are compatible then it will work out. If not, then I am free from this situation with a clear cut answer and no longer have to worry about it.
 
By investing your emotion and time into this girl, you are also sacrificing the opportunity that you have to meet and spend time with another girl.  For all you know, you can go out shopping for this girl when you could have been elsewhere and met Mrs. Right.  By focusing on her, your mind is becoming oblivious to the other options around you. 

I wouldn't hang around a girl if she needed more time to become attracted to me.  It's important you have a physical attraction to each other right off the bat.  If anything were to ever become serious, you need a strong foundation of emotional and physical love to get you through the rough times.  If she doesn't like you by now, I would have real concerns about how it would affect your sex life down the line.  I've been through rough patches with my wife over the years and frankly when we were at our low points, I don't think I would have stuck around with her if I didn't feel a real desire towards her.  It's great to be intellectually and emotionally connected to a girl, but I would just simply think to myself "I can just meet another girl that's got a great personality too."  With what I understand of your situation, I just think it's not a good idea to pursue this girl.  I just don't see her being physically attracted enough to you to have any real relationship.

This is going to come across a little crass but if you weren't helping her out, she would just be spending time with another mentor.  It just seems like she's asking to be friends because she doesn't have a lot of options in terms of where to go from here (i.e. she doesn't want to be with you right now and if she partnered with somebody else she may not have as good of an instructor).  So from there, she has to keep it as "friend" status because she is not interested by default.  I get that you want to give it your all but I don't see how you haven't already.  Regret is having not tried and communicated your feelings which you've already done.  Personally, if I had to convince a girl to be with me by trying to look at the relationship in two different angles, I would have very real concerns it would last if she were to meet another guy that she finds to be more compatible.  I'm trying to be as respectful as I can to a fellow cag yet at the same time just post an opinion which is not what you are going to want to hear. 

At this point, this relationship seems more like a business relationship than a personal relationship.  If you were to cut her off, I don't see how you guys would have any relationship.  Therefore if that's the only relationship there is, then I feel like you're better off moving forward.
 
edit: I don't mind being crass, but this is Real-Talk(tm) time.

So I have this friend that was chasing after this one girl for years. He was giving her rides everywhere, bought jewelry, watched movies, went to nice restaurants, etc. This particular friend wasn't the most handsome gentleman on the planet, nor the most educated, or well-to-do, but those are barriers you can break through with style, charm, and confidence. The problem is that he had this terrible mentality with his approach(aka buying her affection) and wasn't really being sincere. Needless to say, after thousands of dollars and several years, they're not even friends anymore and I doubt they even talk outside of maybe him humble-bragging about being married, which is another weird story in itself.

Anywho, the point of the story is that she's either interested or she's not and you can't buy your way into her metaphorical panties. You're deluding yourself if you think that it will and that "getting to know her better" will somehow change your mind about her. Deal-breaking annoying habits typically reveal themselves AFTER you've been actually dating for a while and really kick in AFTER you move in with the person. All you're doing is putting yourself into situations to spend more time with her and hope that she'll change her mind by reiterating how much of a "nice guy" you are to give you a shot.

You already tried and got shot down, so how much of a "nice guy" are you anyways if you keep putting her in awkward situations when you already know she isn't into you? Believe me, telling someone you don't like them after they confess is pretty fucking awkward...especially if you have to do it more than once.

edit2: Seriously, the best thing you could do is treat this as a job and keep it professional. I'm sure you don't want to be known as the tutor that hits on everybody even if you only did it once. Instead of treating her, go out and treat yourself instead. I'll echo what others have said and you might miss wonderful opportunities while you're hung up on this one girl.

 
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In retrospect, I have been an idiot and naive in my actions. I don't regret what I did (because even if I did regret, I can't go back and change anything). But I've learned my lesson and appreciate the advice from all of you.

I'll continue to be the tutor, and only interact with her when it comes to helping with her work (which was the main reason we know each other to begin with). I have to wake up and look at the obvious signs I've been ignoring due to my ignorance.

Thanks for helping me realize how stupid I've been :)
 
Like I said ...most guys have been there. Wouldn't call it stupid ...we just can't help ourselves sometime. Good luck out there hopefully some possibilities pop up
 
Even the best of us gets friend-zoned.  The best thing is once you recognize you are in that purgatory, you can get out faster and move on with your life...

 
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