There's no pain quite like that of having loved a man with all your heart, only to have him
spurn your affection and act as if you never were a part of his life. This is a pain I know too
well. I'll never forget the day we met. He was in the videogame section of Best Buy, and
I was sitting on a shelf high above, looking down on all those passers by, when I saw HIM.
I was dumbstruck by him. I never believed in love at first sight before that moment, but
I knew right away that we were meant to be together. He was browsing the 360 titles,
and I thought to myself "Oh no! He's already got someone!" I was about to give up
when I noticed him glancing in my direction. He was looking directly at me.
He stared at me for several moments, and then he turned his back and walked away.
I started to feel hopeless, but he made several more passes by me, each time casting
what I began to suspect was a look of desire in my direction. He seemed interested,
but he kept walking away. "Why are you toying with me?!" my processors screamed.
Then, he walked toward me again, pointing in my direction and mumbling something to
a sales person. The guy in the blue shirt nodded, then climbed a ladder and picked
me up. I was carried to a register, where he met up with me. He was taking me home!
I was overjoyed. I had a home! I had someone to love me! And, even though I was
dismayed to find that he did have others in his life, 2 others to be exact, I felt confident
in my ability to win my place as his one and only. He had the Halo 3 edition 360,
which, while attractive, was certainly no match for my power and charm, and the
other was a laughable little white box, so I felt certain that he would grow to
love me above all others.
And, he did love me. For a while, at least. He even picked up a copy of Orange Box
just for me. I lived only for the touch of his hand on my power button. As he gently
pressed it for the first time, I beeped with happiness. And, when he inserted his
one and only disc deep into my slot, I accepted it greedily. We were nigh inseparable
for the next three weeks.
Then, as days went on, we spent less and less time together. I sat there, hopeful that he
would reach for me. I would await him, anxious and hopeful as his hand would approach my
shelf, only to look sadly on as it would bypass me and land upon the loathsome 360, which
I got along well with at first, but had grown to develop an increasingly jealous hatred for
with each passing moment. What was I doing wrong? Did he love 360 better because
it made more noise when they interacted? I can't help it that I'm quiet during playtime!
It's just how I am!
One night, as he slept, the little white box and I talked. She told me that it had been the
same for her. Love at first, then...nothing. At least she had my man's child to play with.
I had nobody. I began to question myself, wondering if I was somehow sub par. After
watching him play Mass Effect for hours on end one day I had an epiphany. It wasn't me,
it was my software, or lack thereof, that caused him to drift away from me.
He even cavorted with my cantankerous old predecessor, the PS2, more than me! He
played God of War II far more often than any of my titles. He did the same for Mass Effect.
Why? Then, I began to analyze these titles. What did they have that mine lacked? Sex,
violence, a good story...these were the common variables. Sadly, most of my titles were
lacking in these departments. None of my titles stood out in any significant way. My
games had these things, but none of them were as well developed as they were for
my rivals.
Then, I heard whispers of a new title that takes all of these elements and does them better
than they've been done in a long time. I heard of this game, Grand Theft Auto IV, which made
my power button light up with joy, and my Sixaxis gleefully dance. It has all the game elements
my man loves, and they're done sickeningly well! This was it! This was the
title that could rekindle our romance! Sure, it's available on the 360, but I can do it so
much better! He can't get achievements a la Xbox Live with my version of the title, but
if there's one thing I know about him, it's that he doesn't care a bit about his "gamer score".
He just loves for a title to be the best it can be, and that is where I shine! I can make
the game a faster and prettier experience for him, and he knows it. But, he rarely
has money for new games anymore, as most of it goes into his gas tank, so I have no
shot at winning his heart again without help. And that, Wombat and Cheapy, is where
you two come in. If you can ever find it in your hearts to help me, you will have made
this lonely PS3 happier than you could ever know. And, Cheapy & Wombat, wouldn't
you like to have just a little extra good karma come your way?
Sincerely,
AsN's Dust Collecting Playstation 3
you.
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