Accept Jesus as your savior and get a free PS3 -this is hilarious!

HumanSnatcher

HumanSnatcher

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http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news1206/ps3.html

Kids! Accept Jesus Christ as Your Lord and Savior and Get a Free PlayStation 3!
This brand new extended PlayStation 3 offer is for children and teenagers only! It may not be used in conjunction with any other Landover Baptist salvation offer.


Hey kids! If your Mom and Dad can't get you a PlayStation 3 for Christmas, you can still get one FOR FREE! Have you ever heard of Jesus Christ? Well, He's heard of you! And He wants you to have all the cool toys your parents are too cheap to buy! In fact, the Lord Jesus is very upset with your parents that they won't give you all the latest stuff that every kid in America deserves! And Jesus has got your back, because He is your homeboy! If you've never heard of Jesus, He is an invisible cloud-dwelling deity (infinite lives!) who loves you very much and wants nothing more than to give you a free PlayStation 3!
We here at Landover Baptist Church work full-time as servants of Jesus Christ, and He's told us about you and your predicament. He's also given us special instructions on how He wants us to deliver a new PlayStation 3 to your house. It's as easy as 1-2-3! Understand, Jesus cares WAY more about you than your parents EVER will! They will never love you as much as Jesus loves you! Always remember that. If you hate your parents because they can't get you a PlayStation 3 for Christmas, He completely understands! He is totally down with that! In fact, lucky for you, in order to follow Him, you are actually required to hate your parents!
"If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother...he cannot be my disciple." - The Lord Jesus Christ (Luke 14:26)


Pretty cool, huh? So, if you hate your parents, you are already halfway to becoming a True Christian™! Congratulations!

Here is what you need to do to get your free Play Station 3:

1. Tell Jesus that you hate your parents, and that you'd rather have Him for your Daddy. Ask Him to forgive your sins, and cover you with His blood (you'll see plenty of that splattered across your TV when you play your complimentary Grand Theft Auto 3 game!).

2. Find one of your Mom or Dad's credit cards (a blank check is even better!)
check.jpg


3. Call our church office and we will provide you with simple instructions on how to use your parents' credit card to charge a love offering over the phone. Don't worry if you can't find a credit card. We can teach you how to use one of your daddy's checks to do an automatic draft withdrawal (which will get you free shipping and an extra game disk!)​
Please note: If your parents ask you where you got your new PlayStation 3, just tell them that your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, delivered it to you via the U.S. Postal Service in exchange for your soul.
Still NOT SURE? Here's More:
thpsujc.jpg



Landover Baptist's PlayStation 3 comes with a complimentary modified version of the popular PS2 disk, Tony Hawk's Underground. You can upload Jesus' face into the game and automatically unlock all of the cheat codes to "God Mode," so that Jesus can win every single level and perform incredible grab-tricks, spins, flips and stunts!
As a new Christian, you will want to share the good news of Jesus Christ with as many of your "peeps in the hood" as you can. The great thing about Tony Hawk's Underground is that you can actually get off of your skateboard and walk around in the game and talk to other skaters about the Plan of Salvation! And if they don't accept Jesus as their Personal Savior, you can kill them later. How cool is that!?
In addition, if you are interested in Christian computer games, Landover Baptist children use Bible-based-maps and characters in Unreal Tournament as part of their Christian Soldier training to help Jesus slaughter sinners in the final battle of Armageddon (which God willing, will happen during President George W. Bush's second term).​
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Didn't know where to put this, as to keep the OT area free of gaming related stuff. Mods feel free to move it there if you see fit. Just thought that you guys might get a kick out this lol
 
[quote name='Roufuss']This is a joke...right?[/quote]

Uh...if you read it, it should be clear that its a joke...I found the link for it from Fark, so theres your answer...
 
That is gold. I just looked at the whole site and the whole thing is funny as hell. Sort of like The Onion, only it's satirical about Christians
 
[quote name='HumanSnatcher']Uh...if you read it, it should be clear that its a joke...I found the link for it from Fark, so theres your answer...[/QUOTE]

Can't tell with religion sometimes.
 
[quote name='HumanSnatcher']Uh...if you read it, it should be clear that its a joke...I found the link for it from Fark, so theres your answer...[/QUOTE]

You mind terribly if I call you a sinner for a week so I can get one?

:D
 
[quote name='CocheseUGA']You mind terribly if I call you a sinner for a week so I can get one?

:D[/quote]

Go for it lol. Why deny whats true...lol
 
Geez, is there anyone on the internet who is not an atheist? I get sick of this crap mentality that is quite acceptable to make fun of Christians.
 
[quote name='beetlegum']Geez, is there anyone on the internet who is not an atheist? I get sick of this crap mentality that is quite acceptable to make fun of Christians.[/QUOTE]

I consider myself one. If you can't laugh at yourself, then you need to get a grip on life.
 
[quote name='beetlegum']Geez, is there anyone on the internet who is not an atheist? I get sick of this crap mentality that is quite acceptable to make fun of Christians.[/quote]

It's acceptable to make fun of ANYONE. Get over yourself.
 
[quote name='beetlegum']Geez, is there anyone on the internet who is not an atheist? I get sick of this crap mentality that is quite acceptable to make fun of Christians.[/quote]

Christians... they can dish it but they can't take it.
 
[quote name='CocheseUGA']I consider myself one. If you can't laugh at yourself, then you need to get a grip on life.[/QUOTE]

If you accept such vile and blasphemous content as Landover, then you are not a real Christian.
 
I would laugh, but they did the exact same thing last year but with an Xbox 360 (I think). Other than that, the text was exactly the same.
 
[quote name='beetlegum']If you accept such vile and blasphemous content as Landover, then you are not a real Christian.[/QUOTE]

I laugh at Landover. And you aren't anyone to question anybody's religion.
 
[quote name='CocheseUGA']I laugh at Landover. And you aren't anyone to question anybody's religion.[/QUOTE]


Well you should show respect for someone's religious beliefs, not mock them. Landover is pure garbage. I bet they won't be mocking Muslims.
 
[quote name='beetlegum']Well you should show respect for someone's religious beliefs, not mock them. Landover is pure garbage. I bet they won't be mocking Muslims.[/QUOTE]

Isn't that the point of being a Christian? To berate people of other religions for not being Christian?

'Hey, you're going to hell just because you call God something different.'

?
 
[quote name='The Crotch']Given that it's a parody of a Baptist church (Phelps' Westboro Baptist, if I'm not mistaken), parodying Muslims isn't exactly its job.

Get over yourself. There is nothing about religious beliefs that renders them immune to criticism or parody. If you're too sensitive to take a bit of E-Ribbing, I don't think you're going to last very long in this world.

And just for the record? It took me about 30 seconds to find Landover making fun of Islam here. Not being too much of a regular there (I prefer the more "equal opportunity" FSTDT for all of my offensive-to-beetlegum activities), I couldn't tell you if this is a one-time thing or a regular occurrence.[/QUOTE]

Yes, sadly this is the only way you atheists can make your disbelief seem more legitimate by mocking and belittling Christians as wackos or just stupid people. Funny thing is the Bible clearly stated that Christians would be treated this way in the last days.
 
[quote name='mehunglo']I heard Satan's countering that offer , PS3 plus a Wii.[/QUOTE]

20 or 60GB?

I second my amazement with those who don't immediately identify landover as a joke site.

beetlegum, I recommend you find something more christian to do with your time than feign oppression in the United States. You can start by making like Jesus and serving the poor.
 
I haven't checked FSTDT in so long, I know some of them are fake, but it's hilarious, I need to start going again.

As for you beetlegum, it's not making fun of all Christians necessarily, only the uptight and/or dumb ones (ie, the ones that act like they're persecuted in a country that's like 70% Christian).
 
[quote name='The Crotch']Right. So a couple of humorous websites are now fulfilling the ancient prophecies regarding the end of the fucking world. Couldn't we get something more dramatic? Whatever happened to crucifixion? Feeding people to lions? At this rate, I'm thinking people are going to be pretty disappointed with Solomon's new Temple.

[/QUOTE]
Exactly, just like it predicted that Israel would become an unified nation again, and the Jews would be the most hated race on the planet. Take your hatred of Christianity somewhere else, please.

[quote name='The Crotch']
Come on. It's a joke. A recycled one, but still a funny one. FSTDT is a joke, too (don't tell me you didn't laugh at the first three, there). If you want to turn this around and use it as proof you're being persecuted, I can't stop you. But dammit, I think we've derailed this thread enough already.[/QUOTE]

[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, but I don't find comments like this to be good fun ribbing:

"Always remember that. If you hate your parents because they can't get you a PlayStation 3 for Christmas, He completely understands! "

Most REAL Christians wouldn't either.
 
[quote name='paramount']beetlegum exemplifies why Christians are constantly mocked on the Internet.[/QUOTE]


Because atheists are immoral pricks?
 
[quote name='beetlegum']Because atheists are immoral pricks?[/quote]

I'm not an atheist and I'm an immoral prick...why don't you go grab a cross and nail yourself to if you feel you're being persecuted.

not-persecuted.jpg
 
[quote name='beetlegum']
I'm sorry, but I don't find comments like this to be good fun ribbing:

"Always remember that. If you hate your parents because they can't get you a PlayStation 3 for Christmas, He completely understands! "

Most REAL Christians wouldn't either.[/QUOTE]

Judge not lest ye be judged. Are you ready to stand before the Vs forum to be judged?
 
[quote name='The Crotch']What are the words I'm looking for? Self-fulfilling prophecy? Something like that.

[/QUOTE]

Yea, it's so easy to force a prophecy true by gathering people from all over the world and creating a new nation again. Just as easy as becoming the number one hated nation in the world too, huh?



I'm pretty sure they've been the most hated race on the planet for the last millenia or so. Remember when they were to blame for the Black Death?
Living where I live, hating Christianity (and Christians) would be totally pointless. I know... what? Five people in real life that aren't Christians? Dammit, I used to go to Catholic School! But of course, Catholics* aren't...
... and No True Scotsman puts sugar on his porridge.




Seriously. We're taking this thread into pretty ridiculous territory. Shall we take this down to Vs. Mode?



*Sorry if it seems like I'm putting words in your mouth, but I get that a lot.[/QUOTE]
 
I think its time for Bibleman.

All of you who persecute us Christians will surely find themselves at the judgement of the Lord our God, and I think it's about time you realize there's no way you can put an end to his eternal glory, for in Lamentations chapter 2 verse 10 the word says

The elders of the daughter of Zion sit on the ground, they keep silence; They have cast up dust on their heads; they have girded themselves with sackcloth: The virgins of Jerusalem hang down their heads to the ground.

How about that..?

bibleman.jpg
 
[quote name='beetlegum']Yea, it's so easy to force a prophecy true by gathering people from all over the world and creating a new nation again. Just as easy as becoming the number one hated nation in the world too, huh?

[/QUOTE]

You want to blame someone for that, blame Warren Austin.
 
[quote name='mehunglo']I heard Satan's countering that offer , PS3 plus a Wii.[/QUOTE]
C'mon. You know Ol' Scratch is a Microsoft guy. Xbox 360's FTW!
 
[quote name='beetlegum']Geez, is there anyone on the internet who is not an atheist? I get sick of this crap mentality that is quite acceptable to make fun of Christians.[/quote]

I'm agnostic in that I believe that you can't prove God exists, just like Athiests can't prove he doesn't.

I suppose you're right- since Christians are such an easy group to make fun of, I guess we should stop taking all the cheap shots they offer us. :D

watchingyouanimation.gif


:rofl: This site is great, awesome find OP.
 
beatlegum, speaking as a devout christian, I have to say that you are WAYYYY to freaking sensitive on this matter.

There are christian ministries in Mongolia founded by myself and other members of my church that have personally witnessed the murder of it's believers by Chinese and North Korean officals, for the simple act of openly expressing their faith and bringing the word of God to their respective countries.

Try to maintain perspective and control yourself when you see ignorant tripe like the OP's offer, and be thankful that you have the ability to pray in your home without someone dragging you out of it and stoning you (as christians are routinely murdered this way in Muslim countries).

Be thankful that your daughters and sisters can openly attend a christian school without being decapitated on their way home from said school by fanatics for the simple crime of being Christian.

In short, this is the internet; of course there are going to be people who openly attack your beliefs, as you've attacked theirs a few posts up. If you are the christian you say you are, then turn the other cheek and let their comments slide, as they will most certainly lose interest in poking fun at you once they see that you don't care what they think about their beliefs.

Besides, 2000 years ago, the Romans persecuted christians by crucifying them and setting their bodies on fire whilst still alive for light during the colleseum games; If having to read ignorant posts from uneducated people about the ills of our religion is what passes for persecution these days, I think we got off pretty light.

Don't you?
 
"I feel helpless," she says. "Part of my body, my DNA, is stuck inside a person who's going to hell."
Smith suffers nightmares of her former organ filtering "strange Asian teas, pig blood and witch doctor brews in Africa," she says. She wonders if the Lord really wanted her to donate the kidney, or if she acted on a "triple-espresso high" she had that morning. She is also concerned that when her body is resurrected, it might be incomplete.
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There really ought to be a smiley face pounding their fist on some surface laughing, because that's the funniest shit I've read in some time.

"Gimmie back mah kidney! Jesus doesn't want you to live!"
 
[quote name='mykevermin']There really ought to be a smiley face pounding their fist on some surface laughing, because that's the funniest shit I've read in some time.

"Gimmie back mah kidney! Jesus doesn't want you to live!"[/quote]

There was a CAG with that smiley as his avatar. Still lookin' for 'im. :/
 
[quote name='mykevermin']20 or 60GB?

I second my amazement with those who don't immediately identify landover as a joke site.

beetlegum, I recommend you find something more christian to do with your time than feign oppression in the United States. You can start by making like Jesus and serving the poor.[/quote]
I thought that new bible camp docu was fake, how frightningly wrong i was. i also thought the left behind video game was a joke too... *checks* oh yeah still a joke... AHAHAH.

*edit*

here is a link to the docu

http://www.jesuscampthemovie.com/
 
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