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[quote name='Machikunas']So, sadly, this is actually one of my favorite jokes...



What did the cannibal do to his girlfriend?


He dumped her.[/QUOTE]

LMAO... so wrong yet so damn funny.
 
a 5 year old black boy comes home after school. his mom is baking cookies, he puts his hands in the flour and pats it on his face, then says "Mommy, look i'm a white boy." So she proceddes to beat his ass. then she sends him to his room and tells him to just wait for your brother to get home and show him your new trick.
 
A little black boy comes home from school and his mom is making cookies. He pats his hand in the flour and puts it on his face. Then he says to his mother "look mommy i'm a white boy." His mom beats his ass sends him up to his room and tells him to wait for his brother to get home.
When his brother gets home he shows him his trick. His brother beats his ass twice as hard as his mom and tells him just to wait for his dad to get home.
When his dad gets home he shows him his trick and his dad beats him twice as hard as his brother. Then his dad asks him "what have you learned from this." he then replies "I've been a white boy for 10 minutes and i already hate you fucking n**gas
 
A man walks into an elevator with a blonde woman already inside.

The Blonde woman greets him:

Blonde: "T-G-I-F"

Man: "S-H-I-T"

(The blonde woman looks puzzled and repeats)

Blonde: "T-G-I-F"

Man: "S-H-I-T"

(The blonde gets frustrated...)

Blonde: "T-G-I-F...Thank goodness its Friday"

Man: "S-H-I-T...Sorry Honey Its Thursday"
 
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

-
-
-

Oral sex will make your day, but anal sex will make your whole week.
 
It would be hilarious if I got banned or something for this, but I can never get enough of these...


What is funnier than a dead baby?








A dead baby in a clown suit.
 
This was given by a friend of mine, rather distant friend...

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

-------------------


What do you call 2,000 World of Warcraft nerds at the bottom of the ocean???

Answer: Progress

-------------------

There were Three strong young men practicing pushing cars down the street. One was Latin, another was Italian, and the last was African American. They were all good friends, and they were all getting ready for a strength contest that took place in a week. When the Latin man went first, people walking by shouted," Latino For Liffe!!!" When they saw the Italian man pushing, they yelled," Italian Stallion!!!" When it was the African American Man's turn, People yelped in terror," SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE, THAT MAN IS COMMITING GRAND THEFT AUTO!!!!!!"
 
A man walks into a bar with a little wiggling bag, so the bar tenders asks the man "Whats in the bag?" The man pulls out a little piano and a 12 inch tall man who starts playing the piano. The bar tender says to the man, "Hey, thats pretty neat, where'd you get him?" The man say, "A genie gave it to me; I have one more wish left, do you want it?" The bar tender gladly accepts and the man hands him a magic lamp. The bar tender rubs the lamp and a genie comes out. The bar tender says to the genie, "I wish for a million bucks." The genie tells him his wish is granted and goes back into his lamp. All of a sudden a duck walks into the bar, then another duck, and another, until no more ducks will fit in the bar. The bar tender say to man, "Now just hold on a minute, I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" and the man says "Yeah, and you think i wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
 
genital herpes



Status: Connecting ...
Status: Looking for a guide ...
Status: Connected to guide: KatiM
KatiM: Welcome to ChaCha!
You: Hello ?
KatiM: Hello
KatiM: Please be more specific as to what you're looking for on this topic.
You: how ?
You: its hard for me to even talk about it
KatiM: Explain, did u want just general info?
You: i wanna know how to get rid of this fast ,cause that gurl sammi next door gave it to me
You: yea
You: it burns but i dont wanna tell my mom
KatiM: ok, one moment
You: hurry up pls
Transfer: You are being transfered to another guide who can help you search even better!
Looking for guide ...
Status: Connected to guide: SusanM
SusanM: Welcome to ChaCha!
SusanM: Hi, how are you tonight?
You: not to great u
SusanM: Are you looking for information on genital herpes?
SusanM: Sorry to hear that you're not doing so well.. I'm doing ok, thanks!
You: yea cause this gurl gave it to me her name is sammi and i wanna get rid of it
You: it burns
You: but dont wanna tell my mom
SusanM: Unforunately you cannot get rid of it.. once you have herpes.. you have it for life.. but I'll send you some information.. k?
You: are you kidding me ?
You: damn that B*tch can i sue her or sth ?
SusanM: No, I'm not.. it can be treated with medications.. but you'll have it for life..
SusanM: I don't know..
You: fuck how should i go on like this
SusanM: !!!! WARNING !!!! abusive language by infoSeeker (fuck how should i go on like this)
You: sry my bad
You: but what should i do
SusanM: If you haven't seen a dr yet.. it's possible you don't have herpes..
SusanM: And with proper medication.. you can control outbreaks.. it can only be transmitted during an outbreak
You: im freakin 17 years old ...only... no she told me she had it cause my lil man burns and i asked her she said it was pay back
You: what about the gurls i wanna sleep with will they get it ?
SusanM: Well that's a rotten thing for some to do to another person!
SusanM: They could.. yes.
SusanM: But like I said.. you can only transmit it if you yourself are having an outbreak..
You: she said it was payback cause i did something to her last summer ...but that freakin Genital Herpes thats messed up
SusanM: but definitely you wouldn't want to have any relations without a condom
You: it broke ...
SusanM: I mean in the future..
You: ok then can u tell me this em what about if i want to have lil kids
You: my wife will have Herpes aswell then
SusanM: You can still have kids.. would not be affected..
SusanM: Not necessarily.. like I said.. it can only be transmitted if you had an outbreak..
You: that is just messed up
SusanM: It is.. I'm sorry! :whistle2:(
You: damn well u have myspace ? ur nice n friendly
SusanM: I sent a bunch of information over to you for you to look through... should answer some of your questions..
SusanM: yes, I do..
You: cool whats the link
SusanM: Look for me under daizymaizy
SusanM: Have a great night and best of luck to you!
You: thx
You: u 2
You: cya hun
SusanM: Oh! and please don't forget to rate me!
You: kkk
SusanM: Please RATE ME. Thanks for using ChaCha.
Status: Session ended.
 
so this family of gamers walks into a game producers office at EA and says "dude have we got a game idea for you" and the producer says "LEMME HERE IT!". So the family proceeds to act out their idea in full detail........

*censored due to 100+ different violations of the CAG TOS*

and after the mist, blood, dry ice machine, bodily fluids, alien sex organs, Virtual Boy games and african death dolls clear out the agent says "WOW, that was astounding, we could franchise that into a series of games and rate it T for Teen, even Jack Thompson would like it, what do you call it?"

and the family says in unison, "The Aristocrats"
 
[quote name='spincut']so this family of gamers walks into an game producers office at EA and says "dude have we got a game idea for you" and the producer says "LEMME HERE IT!". So the family proceeds to act out their idea in full detail........

*censored due to 100+ different violations of the CAG TOS*

and after the mist, blood, dry ice machine, bodily fluids, alien sex organs, Virtual Boy games and african death dolls clear out the agent says "WOW, that was astounding, we could franchise that into a series of game and rate it T for Teen, even Jack Thompson would like it, what do you call it?"

and the family says in unison, "The Aristocrats"[/quote]

that movie was sooo great....do you know the original joke?
 
Man walks into a bar and sees one other man seated in front of the bartender. The man orders a shot, takes a white pill, then walks to the 3rd story window, jumps out, flies around for 5 minutes comes back inside and returns to the bar.

He waits 10 minutes and repeats the process.

Astounded, the original man immediately walks over to the man at the bar and says, "How many more pills do you have? I've got to have one."

The other man responds, "I've got one left but it will run you $1000 cash."

Luckily the man was rich so he immediately pulls out the money, takes the pill with a shot, runs and jumps out of the window.

Shortly after, a large splat is heard. The bartender then looked up as he wiped down the lengthy bar and said, "Damn Superman, you're a mean drunk."
 

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.. He sat up and watched me all night long."
 
So, one day this woman walks into a bar with 3 little girls, right? She goes up to the bartender, and he says, "What'll it be?" She responds, "Nothing, where's your bathroom?"

Before the bartender could answer, one of the kids starts pulling on the woman's dress, "Mommy, I have to pee!"

"Shut the fuck up, you little brat!" She yells back, and smacks the kid right in the face. "I'll drag you right back to the hospital for another round of chemo if you don't shut your fucking face!"

Just then, the bartender jumps over the counter and punches the woman in the jaw. "Nobody abuses their children in front of me, you useless little bitch!" And continues his savage beating of her.

One of the kids runs up to him, "Stop hitting our mommy!" The bartender turns around and tears the little girl's pants down, and then begins to molest her with his hands. "Ahhhh!" the little girl screams in terror.

Then the bartender, quite randomly, drop-kicks a seeing eye dog.
 
[quote name='Thoren']So, one day this woman walks into a bar with 3 little girls, right? She goes up to the bartender, and he says, "What'll it be?" She responds, "Nothing, where's your bathroom?"

Before the bartender could answer, one of the kids starts pulling on the woman's dress, "Mommy, I have to pee!"

"Shut the fuck up, you little brat!" She yells back, and smacks the kid right in the face. "I'll drag you right back to the hospital for another round of chemo if you don't shut your fucking face!"

Just then, the bartender jumps over the counter and punches the woman in the jaw. "Nobody abuses their children in front of me, you useless little bitch!" And continues his savage beating of her.

One of the kids runs up to him, "Stop hitting our mommy!" The bartender turns around and tears the little girl's pants down, and then begins to molest her with his hands. "Ahhhh!" the little girl screams in terror.

Then the bartender, quite randomly, drop-kicks a seeing eye dog.[/QUOTE]

So far the only one that made me lol. A winner is you.
 
[quote name='luffy_kun']i present to you, the idiocy of George W. Bush:

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."[/QUOTE]

I believe Dan Quayle said that actually
 
[quote name='Wolve11']This is horrible......but what the hell......

How do you make a baby cry twice?

You whipe your bloody cock on its teddy bear
[/QUOTE]

I really, really want to punch you right now.
 
[quote name='Thoren']So, one day this woman walks into a bar with 3 little girls, right? She goes up to the bartender, and he says, "What'll it be?" She responds, "Nothing, where's your bathroom?"

Before the bartender could answer, one of the kids starts pulling on the woman's dress, "Mommy, I have to pee!"

"Shut the fuck up, you little brat!" She yells back, and smacks the kid right in the face. "I'll drag you right back to the hospital for another round of chemo if you don't shut your fucking face!"

Just then, the bartender jumps over the counter and punches the woman in the jaw. "Nobody abuses their children in front of me, you useless little bitch!" And continues his savage beating of her.

One of the kids runs up to him, "Stop hitting our mommy!" The bartender turns around and tears the little girl's pants down, and then begins to molest her with his hands. "Ahhhh!" the little girl screams in terror.

Then the bartender, quite randomly, drop-kicks a seeing eye dog.[/quote]


Reminds me so much of the Aristocrats. All this randomness - I like.
 
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his Mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little
Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. "Of course", he said. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room , Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy.

Leroy knew that it was not true. He had not been a good boy this year, so he tore it up and started over.

Letter 2
Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year. I still would like a bike for my birthday. Leroy.

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Leroy wrote a third letter.

Letter 3
Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me abike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Leroy.

Leroy knew that it was not true. By now he was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother that he needed to go to church.

She thought her plan had worked."Just be home for dinner," she told him. Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner.

He went to the altar. Leroy looked around to see if anyone was looking as he bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary.

He slipped it up under his shirt and ran out the church going back
home. He ran to his room and shut the door. Leroy began to write his
letter to God.

Letter 4
Dear God,

I got your mama.

If you want to see her again, send the bike.

Signed, You know who
 
A father and his young son embark early one morning for a full day of fishing and good quality bonding time. Shortly in to the morning's fishing the father pulls a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and lights one up.
"Dad," says the boy, "can I have a cigarette?"
"Well, I don't know son," says the father. "Can you touch your dick to your asshole?"
"No, I don't think I can," replies the boy.
"Then you're not man enough to smoke yet."
The fishing continues for a few more hours and as the sun rises higher in the sky the father, beginning to get warm and thristy, reaches into the cooler and pulls out a cold beer.
"Dad," says the boy, "can I have a drink of your beer?"
"Well, I don't know, son," says the dad. "Can you touch your dick to your asshole?"
The boy sighs and replies, "No, Dad."
"Then you're not man enough yet for beer".
It's now about lunch time and the boy reaches into a bag and pulls out a package of Oreos. After several minutes of munching his father finally asks if he could have one of the cookies.
"I don't know, Dad," the boy replies with a straight face. "Can you touch your dick to your asshole?"
"Why yes. Yes I can," the father replies proudly.
"Then go fuck yourself."
 
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