Marriage trouble? Or am I overreacting?

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I'm really putting myself out here with this one and showing a side I rarely ever do with anyone. So please, keep the threadcrap to a minimum, although I know it will come.

Just to get it out of the way, my wife and I have been married for 5.5 years and have a 2.5 year old daughter. That being said, here's my issue.

Over the past few months, my wife really started getting involved in an online MMORPG-style game (not WoW or anything mainstream). I'm not going to mention the name because I'm sure someone on here plays and I don't want her being informed. She is spending unbelievable amounts of time playing this game and over the past month or so, things seemed to be really weird with us. Intimacy has been almost nil, maybe once every two weeks or so.

This past week, we had a little bit of a financial situation that we were both equally at fault for. Suddenly, it was all my fault, she's tired of being stuck in a rut, etc, etc. Absolute one-side allegations and blame over somewhat futile things. Then she threatens to leave me. We go about 7 hours without talking, and we start talking things out.

We go to bed and when I get up in the morning, she's in the office talking to her mom bitching about the one-sided BS again. I walk downstairs and she quickly tries changing the subject, like she was planning thanksgiving dinner with her mom. I told her to not bother, I heard everything. We get into it really bad again, but things seemed to have resolved. The day passes and she goes to bed.

My curiosity gets the better of me, so I check her chat and IRC logs and "hol-y shit." Apparently, one of the guys she spends alot of time chatting with proposed to her in the game and she accepted. Now she is spending all this time, neglecting her real marriage, planning this virtual wedding. I haven't told her that I know about this whole wedding, the date of it, and everything else that's been going on behind my back.

We have since patched everything up, or so it seems. Make-up sex, however, proved otherwise. It still seems like she's not into this current marriage and she's feigning her sincerity.

Now my question is, am I overreacting? I mean, she spends countless hours online, in this game and chatting on IRC, with the people she plays with. Do I let it all out? Do I hold off and keep checking her logs and see if things change? Do I go incognito and become part of this community and catch her red-handed? Take her ass on Maury and give her a lie-detector test?

I really don't know where to turn. I want things to go back to normal, mainly because I don't want to have limited contact with my daughter.

Bring it on. I want good advice, but I could also use a good laugh.
 
I'm sorry to hear about your troubles.
Personally, I probably wouldn't buy too much into her virtual happenings, but maybe it's a sign for you to remind her you're her husband for a reason.

I dunno, something sentimental? A big surprise dinner where you guys first met or something?
 
Well, I'm probably not one to hand out advice. But I will anywas, because I'm feeling like a jackass.

I think that you might be going through a "rough patch". I would wait for another month or so until the holidays blow over, and see if anything changes. If not, I would recomend seeing a counselor. She may have (completely serious) some form of mental disorder. Not something crazy wild like Aspberger's or Moderate Mental Retardation, but there might be some stressful situations causing her to act out in ways which don't normally occur. Either that or it's a period of time for MMORPGs. I spent a good chunk of my last year playing on a WoW private server. Too much time. Now that I look back I realize that I would have prefered to do my studies. Oh well. Que sera, sera.


On second thought, don't take my advice. Some shitty high-schooler with depression problems giving advice to a full-grown man? Lame. Damn, I suck.
 
[quote name='sp00ge']I want things to go back to normal, mainly because I don't want to have limited contact with my daughter.[/quote]

My two cents:
If thats the only reason you are trying to save the marriage - that you don't think you and the wife can really patch things up, that shes cheating on you (virtually or not)....then i think in the long run it will hurt the daughter. Don't think its fair for her to grow up with two parents that don't get along, etc etc etc.
Don't know the whole situation obviously, but thats one thing to think about.
 
My sneaky side says - Have the internet "go down" for a few days and observe her reactions and behavior changes.

My logical side says - Be straight forward and tell her you looked at her shit and it bugs you. You'll take a lot of shit for doing so but at least you'll put it out in the open.
 
[quote name='CouRageouS']My sneaky side says - Have the internet "go down" for a few days and observe her reactions and behavior changes.

My logical side says - Be straight forward and tell her you looked at her shit and it bugs you. You'll take a lot of shit for doing so but at least you'll put it out in the open.[/quote]


i agree with cutting of the internet for a few days...just to see
 
Shoot for counseling/mediation.

It takes a great deal of humility to do so, but it sounds necessary considering your description.

I hope things turn out for the best, whatever they may be. The most important person is neither her nor you, and neither of you should ever forget that. It's the kid.
 
[quote name='CouRageouS']My sneaky side says - Have the internet "go down" for a few days and observe her reactions and behavior changes.

My logical side says - Be straight forward and tell her you looked at her shit and it bugs you. You'll take a lot of shit for doing so but at least you'll put it out in the open.[/QUOTE]

Terrible advice. Never be logical with a women. Does not compute.

Don't cut the internet either, because she'll know exactly what happened. Calling the internet company is pretty simple.

There's a chance she's seriously addicted to this game, and probably needs help. Unfortunately, the only one who can change this is her.

Hard to say what to do, but some generic advice might suffice.

Start going out with some friends. Meet lots of new women. You don't have to cheat. With a daughter especially, not fair to her. Just get yourself out there. Don't pay any attention to your wife. Come home late, and just act like everything is peachy. Eventually, she'll come to you. Trust me.

Whatever you do, DO NOT confront her. It will make things worse, and then you will be in a world of shit.
 
Some good advice, guys. I really appreciate it.

I ended up signing up for the game that she's in and for the related forums. I just want to see if I can get anything else out of it, and maybe "stumble" across this whole thing while checking out the big deal about this game. I have all of the faction info, so tracking them down should be fairly simple.

Normally, an in-game marriage would be nothing to worry about, but judging by the flirting, playful nature of things in the chat logs, it has me concerned. It's frighteningly similar to the way we used to be. Affairs aren't just physical, but can be emotional as well, which, I fear, is what's happening.

As much as I hate it, confrontation is going to be inevitable. Counseling may be in the cards as well.

The biggest issue with seperation, that I inadvertantly left out of the OP is I'm not from this area. All of my family is in Chicago. Her family is here. If she leaves, I can't afford to keep the house (payments, utils, etc) on my salary. Meaning I would most likely have to leave the region and my daughter behind. It's a pretty tricky situation I'm in right now.

And to the advice about getting out; I spend all day with my daughter and work evenings and don't get out of work until midnight or later most nights. Secondly, the only nightlife around here is dive bars.

But we'll have to see how things pan out. I just can't drive myself insane over this.
 
Don't stay together for your daughter's sake, that never works out in the end. Online wedding proposal acceptance or not that's a bad sign. To me, that seems like a red flag of something bigger that is going on that you are unaware of. I'd say ask questions, but it's highly unlikely you will get any real answers you may be looking for. Pretty tough scenario, but I wouldn't try the jealousy route either, for fear of retaliation in one way or another. Good ol' fashioned communication might be the best option unless resistance is clearly abundant, then I would take a shot at counseling or some sort of intervention. Either way, my apologies for your situation and the possible consequences of your wife's actions. Best of luck to you...
 
Damn bro that sucks. I feel sorry for you.

One thing you can do is plan the sentimental night, be so great she can't help but notice the advantages of being with you and remind her why it is that she fell in love with you in the first place. Fight back against this opposition for her love/attention. This is all of course, only if you really love her and think she is worth fighting for. Counseling will probably help, getting profesional advice is always good. Also, get a lawyer (just kidding, kind of).

I really dont know what to do about her fake wedding and vid game addiction. You're making me not wish my fiance hated vid games so much. You may want to ignore it and just do what i said and wine and dine and clean and be sensitive and (this may be very very very hard to do) TALK to her and ask her about her day and shit. I know its crazy but just keep askin her a bunch of questions and try to listen. Chicks LOVE that shit. I dont get it but they like it.
 
[quote name='crushtopher']Don't stay together for your daughter's sake, that never works out in the end. Online wedding proposal acceptance or not that's a bad sign. To me, that seems like a red flag of something bigger that is going on that you are unaware of. I'd say ask questions, but it's highly unlikely you will get any real answers you may be looking for. Pretty tough scenario, but I wouldn't try the jealousy route either, for fear of retaliation in one way or another. Good ol' fashioned communication might be the best option unless resistance is clearly abundant, then I would take a shot at counseling or some sort of intervention. Either way, my apologies for your situation and the possible consequences of your wife's actions. Best of luck to you...[/quote]

During one of our arguments I asked her if there's some other reason why she's being how she is and called her out on her BS excuses. She got defensive, but that's it. This is before I was aware of this marriage proposal.

*sigh* I've never gotten high, maybe this is a sign I should start. My nerves are getting wrecked.

Work's over, finally. Time to go home. Thanks again guys.
 
I would gear myself for calling it quits. That are keep logs of the conversations she has with whoever she is talking with to present in divorce hearings... because well - you never know. The point is that people will always assume that the grass is greener on the other side and if that's the kind of woman she is.. well you're not going to be able to stop that.
 
I can't believe how civil this thread has been so far. I'm sorry this has happened you, and believe it or not a very similar thing happened to my high school friend's parents. Crazy thing was the friend ran the server for the MMO and inadvertently facilitated the exchanges between his mom and the homewrecking douchebag.
 
I don't think you're over-reacting, and I hope you are able to mend your relationship.

I never thought I'd type the following letters in a sentence: the Gamefaqs poll of the day is strangely relevant.
 
have you tried to do more activities with her? Stuff out of the house that she would be far away from the computers. Nothing against you, but she could be looking to the internet for something she is lacking in her actual life. You even mention how you hide yourself away and rarely show this side of yourself to anyone, does she see this side of you? Maybe try opening up more to her.
 
[quote name='Ikohn4ever']have you tried to do more activities with her? Stuff out of the house that she would be far away from the computers. Nothing against you, but she could be looking to the internet for something she is lacking in her actual life. You even mention how you hide yourself away and rarely show this side of yourself to anyone, does she see this side of you? Maybe try opening up more to her.[/quote]

Yeah, I meant online I never show this side.

We go out all the time, but the minute we walk in the door, she "has to check her mail" and then proceeds to go into that game and IRC.
 
While I'm not married or anything, I'd just like to point out how rediculous the internet has become. People have online marriages? I thought playing Call of Duty 4 for six hours today was bad...

I hope you can work it all out though.
 
If you are worried about having limited visitation of your daughter, have you thought about fighting to gain full custody of her if something where to happen? Does she play the game instead of give the daughter attention?
 
I'm currently checking tonight's logs and it turns out lover boy doesn't even live that far from here and she keeps saying she's doubting we'll get past all of this.

So much for sleep tonight. (What did the hell did I start?)
 
I'm sorry to hear that you're having problems with your marriage, but it can get uglier. For now, don't worry about what you've lost in your marriage, so far, just be glad for what's left over. Your only choice now is to focus on making sure your financial situation doesn't get any worse; if you've got a job, try and focus on it and leave the relationship at home, taking it to work can hinder your performance and your child is counting on you. And spend more time with your daughter if you aren't already. Going out to clubs and whatnot will probably make thing worse; that is something a non-adult, irresponsible person would do. Maybe, in doing better for the family, this will get her attention and she'll want to participate in it. Your family consists of more than your wife and your child should not be neglected. I would focus on your daughter more-so than trying to convince your wife you're her husband.

Last and probably needing to be first, if you are a religious man, pray. Whatever your faith, it's good for the soul and your head. Meditation helps. DO NOT DEPEND ON DRUGS TO GET YOU BY. That is the last thing a problem needs as I personally know that you do not throw alcohol at the fire to try and put it out (or drugs for that matter.)

Peace.
 
[quote name='minos1067']I'm sorry to hear that you're having problems with your marriage, but it can get uglier. For now, don't worry about what you've lost in your marriage, so far, just be glad for what's left over. Your only choice now is to focus on making sure your financial situation doesn't get any worse; if you've got a job, try and focus on it and leave the relationship at home, taking it to work can hinder your performance and your child is counting on you. And spend more time with your daughter if you aren't already. Going out to clubs and whatnot will probably make thing worse; that is something a non-adult, irresponsible person would do. Maybe, in doing better for the family, this will get her attention and she'll want to participate in it. Your family consists of more than your wife and your child should not be neglected. I would focus on your daughter more-so than trying to convince your wife you're her husband.

Last and probably needing to be first, if you are a religious man, pray. Whatever your faith, it's good for the soul and your head. Meditation helps. DO NOT DEPEND ON DRUGS TO GET YOU BY. That is the last thing a problem needs as I personally know that you do not throw alcohol at the fire to try and put it out (or drugs for that matter.)

Peace.[/quote]

I was kidding about the drugs. I would never get to that level.

And I spend all day with my daughter, from the time she wakes up until I go to work in the evening.
 
Yeah, I was about to say...don't smoke when you got this kinda stuff on your mind. It'll mess you up.

I second the counseling...and again, I suggest what Ikon said, try to wow her with something. The more I think about it, the more that virtual romance bugs me, but again, it's all virtual.

The guy's probably a big dork...don't even stress. Do something nice with the wife alone, then something with the whole family. It might seem like you're trying too hard, but that's what you have to do, I figure.
 
You found shit that she's having private conversations with guy she's gonna marry in a video game and you aint done shit yet? Tell her to knock it the fuck off. That's it. Look into her eyes, grit your teeth and say "All this video game bull shit you're doing is fuckin me up. Knock it the fuck off" That's it. You're supposed to be the man here, act like it.
 
Hmm this sucks. With her being addicted to the game no matter how romantic the plans you make she will get mad about being separated from the game and probably feel like she is being smothered. Than again she may just feel she wasn't getting the attention from you, that she had at the beginning of your relationship and is going online to get that new relationship buzz.

Regardless of her motives I'd say with about 99.99% accuracy the dudes motives are not good. No man on earth puts that kind of time into a woman he doesn't want to get with.

Dude IMO stop being so passive you have to confront this. She is sliding away from you and she needs a shock to get on the right path. With her excuses it is obvious she is lying to herself and needs to have her illusions set aside

Jimmies advice is pretty solid. You seem to be blaming yourself but she is the one going off the reservation.

I've been married 9 years and had some rough patches. You have to work shit out. People give up too easily and shit on the vows they gave way too much these days.
 
[quote name='sp00ge']Yeah, I meant online I never show this side.

We go out all the time, but the minute we walk in the door, she "has to check her mail" and then proceeds to go into that game and IRC.[/quote]

That's some shit too. What the fuck is wrong with you? She keeps this shit up you should throw her stuff outside and set it on fire. You gotta be outta your god damn mind if you're gonna let this woman shit on you. And going to check her mail as much as you say she is is shitting on you. She's trying to dodge you but this is your wife man, you gotta protect yours. If you don't nip this in the bud now and she ends up fuckin this guy you gotta kill them both and two bodies is one too many to have to dump in a hurry.
 
I'd say you should confront her while in the act. Get her off balance and unable to make a valid argument just go in with no warning
 
Man, now I'm all fired up about this too. I outta come knock your fuckin head in for letting it get this fuckin far. God damn. Your wife. This dude is trying to take your wife and break up your family. Doesn't that make you want to go wake her up and put your foot in her ass? You outta go find this fuckin guy too. Show up at his work with a hammer and ask him which hand he uses to beat off to your wife, because you know he does because she's prolly sent him pictures, even still, he's jerked it to her, smash his fuckin hand in and tell him there's more where that came from if he doesn't knock this shit off too.
 
JamesMac is a sage.

Overreacting about this online marriage shit that she cares about more than you? fuck no you're not.
He's right: stop this shit now. It's already way out of hand.
 
[quote name='Liquid 2']JamesMac is a sage.[/QUOTE]Seconded.

OP, you said it might come to counseling, but have you mentioned that idea to your wife? She definitely needs a wake up call, but I don't know if she'll listen to it coming from you (even if you really lay down the law). Tough situation. In any case, I would definitely keep a copy of these IRC chat logs, if worse comes to worst.
 
JimimieMac is right, you need stop this shit and tell it to her straight.

If you guys get divorced, it's probably for the better because as of right now it's like you two are not even together. Not to be rude or anything, but if it wasn't inconvenient for her she would of probably left you already.
 
Be warned:

When you approach her, she'll transfer her guilt onto you any way she can.

You're spying on her, you're not giving her enough attention, 'How dare you!', etc.

That's just the way shit goes.

There's a whole lot of guilt, on her end... so expect her to dump a whole lot of guilt on you.
 
I hope the best for you are your situation, but I also suggest printing out the logs and maybe even timing how much she plays the game a day.
 
[quote name='Brak']Be warned:

When you approach her, she'll transfer her guilt onto you any way she can.

You're spying on her, you're not giving her enough attention, 'How dare you!', etc.

That's just the way shit goes.

There's a whole lot of guilt, on her end... so expect her to dump a whole lot of guilt on you.[/QUOTE]

Absolutely 100% true. I did some "spying" of my own and found that my then-girlfriend was hooking up with her ex-boyfriend. She wouldn't admit it so I told her that I knew, and suddenly I was the one at fault.
 
You should look into this "in game marriage" and see if there is any seriousness to it. I met my wife online and we got married last year, we met on IRC over seven years ago and it was a long progress to get her over here via K-1 Visa. Anyways, if its in any serious form you could see her with a new visitor in town.
 
I bet $100.00 CAG dollars that she hasn't even told this "virtual lover" that she has a kid. If she did, the dude would of ditched her by now.
 
[quote name='yukine']I bet $100.00 CAG dollars that she hasn't even told this "virtual lover" that she has a kid. If she did, the dude would of ditched her by now.[/QUOTE]

Good point. Most (90%+) guys drop the ball when it comes to supporting a kid. Especially at a young age.
 
I say you create your own account and crash this virtual wedding and throw glitter at everyone (every MMORPG needs a "throw glitter" option).

Seriously though OP, you should just be honest and talk to her about this. Its not right for you to go behind her back and read her conversations and such. Its best to just confront this now and not let it get any bigger then it already is.
 
Well i can tell you things from the other end i was addicted to EQ2 for about 1.5 years and neglected my hubby pretty bad.... but mind I never had any online relationship like she has i never had any dillusions that this was more important, it was just very fun, and my husband was not so fun. The thing that finally got me to stop was being pregnant. I can tell you that I was very depressed during the time i was addicted and it was an escape from this depression because in the game i was acceped and my guild was very friendly to me. I also won't kid you I want to go back into the game so badly because of those friendships.... people online don't look at how you look or see your home life, you get to be what ever you decide to be.

Try to be understanding with her, but ask her about it. Why is she doing it, is it just for fun or is she missing something in her regular life... Maybe she's too much a mom and not enough of a wife/lover/friend. Perhaps she feels defined by this role and is trying to branch out in the only outlet she canf find... when my addiction got really bad hubby bought a computer to play w/ me... this helped some, but mind i never let it interfear w/ regular life.. i always went to work and when ever he wanted to go out and do something we went.

Try to be patient it is an addiction like any other. You need to suggest alternatives to the game, a night out, a weekend trip. If she has no alternatives she will continue to obsess with the game.
 
I think you are in serious trouble. I would have a sit down talk with her, and try to convince her not to make the biggest mistake of her life - the mistake of creating a broken family for the child. Marrage counciling might be an option. Laying out what her life would be like if you were divorced may wake her up. Describe how with her behaviour, you will in all likelyhood, get the child, and she will pay child support. Look up what she would bay with her income - its not pretty.

Family intervention may work

Cutting the internet won't work

Contacting the other party wont work (he has nothing to loose, pussy to be gained)

Good luck
 
These problems definitely sound serious. I think most of the advice here is good - you have to do something about this and sneaking around reading her chat logs is not going to help in the long run. If you have any very close mutual friends, it might be time to talk over the problems with them, and maybe they can offer help in bringing you two back together. Also, if she is playing as much as you wrote, she must be neglecting your daughter and that's not acceptable. I'm not sure what the best course of action is - counseling could be very helpful. Confrontation would be tough in the short-run but sounds almost unavoidable here. If you have mutual friends who support you that could make it easier and make it more difficult for her to shift all the blame to you. Best of luck in trying to make things better.
 
[quote name='WhipSmartBanky']This is all going to end badly.[/QUOTE]
I WANT to disagree with you, but in reality, even i'm nervous about this situation. i'll be checking this thread quite often.
 
My fiancee is doing a similar thing. He only befriends females in WoW. When I got irritated at the amount of time spent on WoW, I joined the WoW world asking him to play with me when I get to his level. I'm his level now and he still chooses to play with other females. It irritates the fuck outta me. When he finally played with me his exgirlfriend called and he spent the time talking to her and ignoring me.
He always has prior commitments ingame and all I'm trying to do is make sure we spend time together, past sitting at our different computers playing games.
If he marries someone on WoW I would call this relationship a goner. Right now I'm still trying to salvage it.
 
I think all of you are overreacting. Yeah, he needs to confront her and maybe work out a little issues, but I don't see it ending in divorce. She's a little stressed out from something and u should be able to work it out.

*Edit - but if you don't do something about it, it could snowball
 
Man, I'm glad my girlfriend can barely turn on an N64.

Seriously though, the guilt thing is true. Whatever you uncovered, you'll be made to look like the bad guy for doing so. Just don't wait so long to get rid of this and don't do anything irrational (talking to the guy, canceling the game etc.). When you do confront her, make sure you're fully loaded with ammunition that will knock out anything she says. Oh and please don't do this when she is PMSing, you're just walking into a trap if you do that.
 
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