Marriage trouble? Or am I overreacting?

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[quote name='DJSteel']spOOge.. on a lighter note... wtf are you doing in Johnstown??? that place is a black hole of depression..lol[/quote]
Exactly. She's the one who wanted to move here. She grew up here. I'm from Chicago. We were living out in Palm Springs for several years and everything was great. Once we found out she was pregnant, she just HAD to be back with her family because she wanted Rachael to have hte same type of childhood she had. That apparently meant no future and a piss-poor school system. :roll: I fought her on it, but I let her win the argument. Big mistake.

All there is as far as nightlife is bars and narcotics. It's pathetic. This is the only town I know of that has more bars than churches.

She finally admitted a few months back that she's regretting moving back here. A little late now.

EDIT: By nightlife, I mean things for the parents to do when the kid is at the grandparents.


[quote name='007'] Second, again echoing much of the board, your child is the most important issue here. If your house, and your wife, are in the state you claim, this needs to be about your daughter. It's a question I had wanted to ask earlier, but never did... if you work all the time, and your wife spends much, if not all, of her home time on the computer, who exactly watches your daughter when you're not around? Is your wife neglecting your daughter, as well as the expected half of marriage related duties? These are the questions to ask. Your wife has a problem, and she needs help. Something was lacking in her real life, and knowing the area I can understand that, and she sought out a new life. She seems as if she's already made up her mind... but it's a question of whether she truly wants that, or whether it's the addict's mind that wants that.[/quote]
She claims that she watches her, plays with her and all that, as she did last night. But from 4:30pm to 12:05am, with a short 20-30 minute span at Rachael's bath/bed time, there was a constant flow of IM's in both directions. When I called her last night from work, she claimed that they were on the couch, cuddling and watching Shrek the Halls. Well, I can tell you that with the way the room's situated she certainly can't lay on the couch and use the computer at the same time. So my conclusion is she sat Rachael in front of the TV all night and pissed around on the computer.

EDIT #2: I'm confonting her on EVERYTHING when she gets home from work in a few hours. So, if I go missing for awhile, things probably went severly awry and I won't be back on for at least a few days, if not longer.
 
I guess if you're really considering killing the marriage, you should just let her keep using the computer for as long as she likes so you can keep tracking down everything she says.

I would also setup some kind of surveillance system to see how much she neglects your child while you are away at work. Pictures are a good suggestion as well to show the living conditions your daughter lives under while you're away at work.
 
Seriously. It looks like you are at a critical point here which is way beyond what a video game website can help you with. You MUST get some professional help, whether it's therapy, marriage counseling, law advice, or even talking with her/your parents.
 
I agree with JimmieMac on this one, and Honestly I would just leave her.

You let this go way too far, file for divorce, keep your daughter (you have evidence, set up a hiddem cam for proof) and keep it moving.
 
Well, I for one am not going to say leave her or stay with her. This is a very serious situation. If you are using the site now to just vent and let out some frustration, great (though, I'd watch what you say on it, she could find the thread one day, and it could hurt you as much as anything else, you never know).

I think it might be time to find someone trustworthy to confide in and to find your path. You have life changing decisions ahead of you, no matter what way you (and she) decides.

I will keep you in my prayers. I just hope, whatever you do, it ends up being the best for everyone involved.
 
Well, it really depends on what you want. If you want to save the marriage, not just for your daughter's sake but yours as well, be up front with her. Sounds to me like she's unhappy and looking for excitement elsewhere. It's possible that a change of environment would help, or the two of you making a concise effort to make each other... well, happier, I suppose. I don't know if moving is feasible for you, but it sounds like Johnstown is doing nothing for the three of you.

Other option is breaking up. This doesn't have to be the end of the world, but you would need to consider that you'd be stuck near where you live now in order to see your daughter frequently.

Good luck to you, either way.
 
I'm really sorry about this situation you're in. I've been with my wife for 17 years/married for 11. We have 2 kids. Marriage needs mutual respect and cooperation for it to work.

This would be relatively easy if there wasn't a kid involved. Your wife seems to be beyond talking to and I'd keep her folks out of it since the exhibit some of the same lousy traits.

If I were you, I'd do some research looking for some professional help. If you're religious, maybe a pastor? I'm not so into that so I don't know. If she is disinterested in going for help ASAP then strongly suggest SHE leave alone. By suggest, I mean pack her a bag. She needs to make some real effort to make things work. If she's made Elf Lord more important in her life than you and your daughter, she needs mental help.

If YOU go, good luck getting custody or the house because it ain't going to happen. Keep the computer! Document everything! As much as it sucks for your daughter you're going to have to make mommy look horrible which doesn't sound like much of a stretch. Start building up a case because you're behind the 8 ball because you have testicles.

Sorry man...

RC
 
Don't be rash. She is your wife, after all, so at some point you love, or did love, her.

Also, it isn't about her or you. It's about your daughter.

I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but amidst those contrary voices here who seem to think that it's time to say "fuck it," divorce her, and everything will be ok, I'm not as skeptical as I normally am.

Throw her out of the house tonight. Come home from work, pack her a change of clothes or two, and tell her to GTFO. Go to her parents and don't come back for a week. If that doesn't straighten her up (the most important thing, and the only real claim/diagnosis I'll make based on what you said, is that she is quite clearly in denial of her problems, and attributing all the issues to you - whether it's the cleanliness of the house, your relationship, or anything in between), then I'll side with the majority here.

In the meantime, kick her the hell out for a week. You both need it, and you deserve it.
 
[quote name='mykevermin']Don't be rash. She is your wife, after all, so at some point you love, or did love, her.

Also, it isn't about her or you. It's about your daughter.

I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but amidst those contrary voices here who seem to think that it's time to say "fuck it," divorce her, and everything will be ok, I'm not as skeptical as I normally am.

Throw her out of the house tonight. Come home from work, pack her a change of clothes or two, and tell her to GTFO. Go to her parents and don't come back for a week. If that doesn't straighten her up (the most important thing, and the only real claim/diagnosis I'll make based on what you said, is that she is quite clearly in denial of her problems, and attributing all the issues to you - whether it's the cleanliness of the house, your relationship, or anything in between), then I'll side with the majority here.

In the meantime, kick her the hell out for a week. You both need it, and you deserve it.[/quote]

I wouldn't be surprised if she fucked the other guy while he kicked her out.
 
I'm sorry you're going through this Sp00ge, I won't offer any advice cos I don't have he first clue about what it takes to keep a marriage going.

All you can do is what you think is best for your daughter, and hopefully your own happiness.

Good luck man.
 
I can't really give advice, but I think you should realize she has a serious problem, and it doesn't look like she is doing anything to help herself.

I don't know what to tell you to do, but you should realize what you're dealing with here seems to obviously be a serious addiction.

The only person I really feel bad about, though, is your daughter stuck in the middle of it.
 
I'm so sorry OP, about the entire situation, like mykevermin and a load of other CAGs said, the daughter is the most important. You seem to have made your mind already and that's given you some clarity, and that's always good. If it does come to a divorce, print out the IM logs, maybe even tape record her going nuts and calling you lazy, while getting proof of you working, take pictures of the house in disarray, etc.
Once again, OP I'm very sorry, and I hope things turn out great :) , it IS possible you know!
keep us posted!
 
have you thought about installing a vnc client on your computer so you can login and watch it when you are not there? Watching it realtime might be too much to handle though.
 
[quote name='Zen Davis']I wouldn't be surprised if she fucked the other guy while he kicked her out.[/QUOTE]

Probably so - definitely a setup to run to him in her hour of need.
 
Op- You are in my prayers. i wish you the best. Sometimes things fall apart and we as people cant handle the aftermath. Just do your best for your daughter.
 
sp00ge, sounds like you have a really tough situation. You definately need to get her away from the internet for a few days to focus on your family and get things straightend out. Not sure how you can accomplish this without pissing her off even more but it needs to be done. If worse comes to worse, God forbid, you need to make copies of all of these chat logs, as they may help you in a court case to give you full custody of your daughter and prove her as a neglectful mother who prefers the fantasy world over real life and therefore is unfit to raise your child full time.
 
Just curious, if he were to use a key logger and record everything she was doing, would he be able to use it in court?

And you could always just log in as her character and do something to get her banned...... (I kid, I kid)
 
[quote name='E_G_Man']Just curious, if he were to use a key logger and record everything she was doing, would he be able to use it in court?

And you could always just log in as her character and do something to get her banned...... (I kid, I kid)[/quote]Don't see why not, it's his computer, shouldn't be any privacy issues. She could argue that it wasn't her, but it wouldn't be too difficult to verify.
 
thanks for the advice: dont get a girl that likes videogames.
well.. all i can tell u is man. shut the internet down. NOW!... i dont care if u need email or anything. just take a break or something. if that dosent work.. go with the counseling. sorry to hear ur situtation.
 
[quote name='jaystaeb8']I offer only humble advice and hopes that you never have to use it. Make sure you keep evidence of the logs and get a program that tracks the usage of the computer. If it ever comes down to it, those would be your 2 best chances to get your daughter in the case of a split. Chances are her addiction to this game would not end if you split and if your daughter stays with her, chances are she will suffer from your wife's addiction in every aspect of her life.

If there is a split, you have to make sure you do everything you can so you get custody for the good of your daughter's future. It is no longer a mother's custody world and if you can prove that your wife would not make a fit mother and was engaged in addictive behavior, in the amount of time she played, and also progressing other relationships through the virtual world and IRC then you should be able to get custody.

I hope it doesn't come down to that, but just like everything else of value in life, it pays to have insurance for a worst case scenario.[/quote]

I agree with this post... good luck on things though man. It sucks to see in this day and age, that even when a guy does things right in a marriage, the woman will STILL manage to whine and be totally heartless about it.
 
wow i rly feel bad for u sp00ge. save EVERYTHING since u will have to use it against her later on. i wish u the best of luck and im totallly on ur side 100%
 
I feel for you man. It really depends on your feelings, if you can still trust her after this, or if you cant. I hope you make the right decision, it's not an easy one.
 
Sorry it's gone downhill Spooge. Instead of just another thought in here (of which you've already had many) let me just say I hope you can work it out, in whatever way you decide is best.

Good luck man.
 
Spooge, you will be in my prayers. Of all people, I would probably be the last person to give advice for a marriage. Like others said, your wife is addicted. I would cut the internet out for at least a day or so. If things do end up in a divorce, you most likely would get custody of your daughter. Hopefully things don't end up that way, but all things happen for a reason.
 
Log everything she does down, make sure you win custody of your daughter, move out of that dead end town, and make her pay child support.
 
[quote name='keithp']Sorry it's gone downhill Spooge. Instead of just another thought in here (of which you've already had many) let me just say I hope you can work it out, in whatever way you decide is best.

Good luck man.[/quote]

Oh the irony...

Nice avatar. :lol:
 
[quote name='chemical']Does she have a sister?[/QUOTE]Sick 'em, Guile. :D

I've been following this thread intently, OP, and now I see it's finally coming to a head. I hope you laying it all out convinces her to seek marriage counseling with you. If not, I really hope you took our advice of cataloging the evidence. You've truly convinced me that you're in the right here, and this is a fucked up situation. Here's to hoping it all ends up working out in your favor.
 
Thanks everyone for all of the support and advice. Major update for those following:

We sat down after Rachael was put to bed and had a serious talk about all of this. I explained to her that it's not jealousy, or me being a jerk, as the reason for me telling her to stop gaming. It's mostly the fact that she spends the majority of her out of work time in it and is putting more effort into that game than her real life. I told her that it's not the game itself, but all of the time she is wasting on it. She spends more time with her 'friends' than she does with her own family. I referred her to the Gaming Addiction Website and had her check the addiction screening. She was shocked when over half of them were 'yes.'

She finally admitted that she does have an addiction and we are going to work on her situation. We haven't decided if counseling or whatnot, but something will be done to help rectify the situation. I am giving things one last shot. If she refuses and relapses back into her old habits, I will then be done.

Keep in mind, I still have, and will keep, all of the logs on my laptop, which she doesn't have access to. I'm still going to keep up some of my monitoring activity, at least for the next few weeks to make sure things are kept in check.

That is all for right now. Hopefully things wil turn out for the better. Thanks again, everyone. I'll be sure to keep you guys updated.
 
[quote name='Javil']Sick 'em, Guile. :D[/quote]

I would, but out of respect for sp00ge's situation I am going to pass. That poster's comments speak more about his character than I ever could.

At least it seems like there is something cautiously positive happening now. Hopefully it will continue sp00ge.
 
I'm really glad to hear that your conversation went well and that she's at least saying that she wants to change and do the right thing. Hopefully she'll follow through. You're making every effort to reach out to her and keep the marriage intact - I applaud you for it.

One comment: everyone is saying that your daughter is most important and she's definitely the innocent party here. Your own happiness is very important as well and you need to consider your own welfare. The two things are obviously related and a happy father is going to be a better father. I'm not sure it's a good idea to stick things out just for your daughter if your relationship is really bad. Goodluck.
 
[quote name='sp00ge']

The biggest issue with seperation, that I inadvertantly left out of the OP is I'm not from this area. All of my family is in Chicago. Her family is here. If she leaves, I can't afford to keep the house (payments, utils, etc) on my salary. Meaning I would most likely have to leave the region and my daughter behind. It's a pretty tricky situation I'm in right now.

[/quote]

Stumbled on this via your trade thread and this prompted me to post.

This really shouldn't be a concern for you. She legally cannot remove your daughter from your contact. It could get messy, but you could force her to stay. Plus there is no guarantee that she will be the one that ends up with the kid. I know that's tradition, but you said yourself that you are currently the primary caregiver during the day. That says a lot.

Anyway, good luck. I was in a similar situation, but I was the one in your wife's situation. I was addicted to WoW. I spent 2 years in my office playing and our marriage suffered. Then I took a break from the game last Christmas. It started with a week off from work that I decided I was going to spend fully with my kids. Then I decided to remodel and paint my office and all of my computers were taken apart for several weeks. When everything was done I did log back into the game a couple of times, but the addiction was broken. I canceled soon after and haven't regretted it yet.

Maybe something like this is possible for you. Maybe you can work together on a house project that takes up all of your gaming time and helps rebuild the relationship.
 
[quote name='jho']I'm really glad to hear that your conversation went well and that she's at least saying that she wants to change and do the right thing. Hopefully she'll follow through. You're making every effort to reach out to her and keep the marriage intact - I applaud you for it.

One comment: everyone is saying that your daughter is most important and she's definitely the innocent party here. Your own happiness is very important as well and you need to consider your own welfare. The two things are obviously related and a happy father is going to be a better farther. I'm not sure it's a good idea to stick things out just for your daughter if your relationship is really bad. Goodluck.[/QUOTE]

I think this is a very arguable point. I know our society says that your happiness is important. When you are single, you are the most important person in your life. When you get married, you find someone just as important. When you have a kid, the kid is number 1, you are number 2. I'm not so sure staying in a situation and doing a bit of suffering isn't neccessarily best for the kid. Sure, you'd rather be with someone else, tough. Now, there is a line in the sand where you have to leave. But, I can't draw that line for anyone.

There are several studies that show that kids with 2 parents are much better adjusted as adults. Are there studies that kids are better off in divorces than 2 parents who say they weren't happy, but stayed and put the kid first? I know there are several marriages that break up right after the last kid moves out, and those kids are usually better off for their parents toughing it out.

Not saying someone should or shouldn't do this, just throwing it out, since everyone wants to factor in the parents happiness.
 
Glad things are looking better OP.

I can't give any advice on the marriage, but I'll shed some light on my own experiences on MMORPG addiction.

Without the boring details, I was playing a lot more than I should have within the 6 months I played WoW, and I knew others that were in the same boat. Most of my friends (some of which I dragged into the game with me), including myself, have quit it cold turkey since then.

While others here are recommending that you shut off the internet/game completely right now, I think the best approach would be a slow and gradual killing of the habit instead. Limit her time on the internet/game severely, but don't cut her off completely just yet. I know you don't think too highly of these bozos she's playing with, but let her say her goodbyes to them before she kicks the habit for good, or part of that game/community might still linger in her mind afterwards.
 
This thread is like an emotional rollercoaster, its up, its down, this is craziness. It's like a real life CAG Maury Povich show. Fanfuckingtastic!

Anyway, Sp00ge, everyone that has been telling you your kid is the most important party here is full of shit. You can have more kids dude! There are other women out there that you can starta family with. Just forget about your kid and move on to the next one and let your wife/ex-wife or the government support the kid. Look out for yourself, take care of yourself and if this family doesn't work out, just move and change your phone number and start a new one. I did. Four times.





BTW....none of that was serious.
 
[quote name='pittpizza']This thread is like an emotional rollercoaster, its up, its down, this is craziness. It's like a real life CAG Maury Povich show. Fanfuckingtastic!

Anyway, Sp00ge, everyone that has been telling you your kid is the most important party here is full of shit. You can have more kids dude! There are other women out there that you can starta family with. Just forget about your kid and move on to the next one and let your wife/ex-wife or the government support the kid. Look out for yourself, take care of yourself and if this family doesn't work out, just move and change your phone number and start a new one. I did. Four times.





BTW....none of that was serious.[/quote]

Thanks for the laugh. :)

The funny thing is, I work for an ABC affiliate station and I air (and sadly have to watch) Maury all week. I can almost identify with I some of those people, which is plain sad. This ordeal has been a concoction of Maury and Montel, with a twist of Cheaters.

Once again, thanks everyone for all of the help.
 
Sounds to me like marriage counseling is still in order. It's good to talk to someone just so all the issues can get aired out and you don't have to rely on monitoring for your info.

This may sound vain, but do either of you workout at all? You sound really busy and if you've let yourself go a bit that could really affect attraction, etc. My fiancee and I are getting into shape for our wedding, and I would say it's having a positive effect.

On another note, GTFO and come back to Chicago.
 
sp00ge, very sorry about your situation, and I hope that you're able to work things out in a way that protects you and your daughter, whatever that ends up being.

You should DEFINITELY uninstall that game right away, and cut off the internet access as well. By analogy, if you found out your wife was an alcoholic would you leave bottles of liquor lying around the house? It'll of course be inconvenient for you not to have internet access at home, but if you're serious about making this work dramatic steps are probably necessary. Alternately, you could look into software alternatives (i.e. something along the lines of Net Nanny that severely limits what she can do on the net) if you think she's not tech-savvy enough to get around it.

Addiction is a tricky thing and I'm not saying she's an inherently bad person, but the fact that she's lied to you so much about this already (including lying about quitting) underlines the fact that just getting more assurances from her that she'll quit probably won't do it. The best approach might be to lay out your arguments and then try to get her to agree that whatever limitations you suggest (i.e. no internet access at the house for 6 mos.) make sense given her own untrustworthy behavior.

A few final comments: I think cold turkey's going to work better than "weaning off" of the game -- she'll miss playing terribly at first no doubt (it's called addiction for a reason) and like any addict she'll have to figure out how to use all the time she'd been filling with her "drug" of choice. I don't see that extending the separation process out over a long period of time would help much. Also, counseling (while it costs money, something you've mentioned is tight right now) could really help both of you out, so I'd strongly recommend it.

Again, sp00ge, I hope this all works out OK for you. Good luck, and let us know how you're doing as things progress.
 
I found out about this thread when I listened to the latest CAGcast last night.

I feel really bad for you because I went through a VERY similar situation a few years back. My ex-wife and I met in Orlando - things went great - I proposed - she accepted - but insisted we returned to her home town of Columbus, OH to be near her family. We did - bad move - Ohio had the second worst economy in the US at the time (2003) Anyway - a year after we were married - I noticed the same signs as you.

I started doing some investigation - I work in Intelligence and Security for federal contracters - she had no idea what I was capable of technically.
I uncovered all kinds of IRC logs, emails, and voicemails with some guy she was having an "emotional" affair with. After several months of trying to work things out - it became apparent she would not break contact with this guy. Anyway - we split - and have been divorced for 2 years now.

I look back on it and realize she did me a huge favor - I moved to DC with another contracter, nearly doubled my salary, and now live at the oceanfront in VA Beach. I'm loving life. She's in Columbus - same job, and I got a "woe is me" call from her 2 weeks before Thanksgiving. She left this long voicemail about what a mistake she made and how depressed she is, and misses me and blah blah blah.

Tough shit.

I can say this now - but it's tough when you are going through it.
Plus we did not have kids.

The only advice I can tell you is this:
Emotional affairs lead to physical affrairs. And frankly - the emotional affair is the bigger betrayal - think about it...
How many girls have you slept with? How many have you married? Why?
See my point?
It will happen. If I were you, I'd gather all the evidence I could - and get in touch with a lawyer on your own time. He can tell you what your options are, and open your eyes to stuff. Don't try to get her family involved.
Blood is thicker than water.
I tried that too - and they just thought I was an asshole trying to crush my ex-wife's happiness. Did not matter that we had taken marriage vows.

I'd say get out if it - move somewhere where you can make a good living, and move on. And never get married again. You don't have to. Just play the field - it's alot more fun. Fly up to see your daughter when you want - or get full custody if you can.
Save yourself alot of wasted breath and effort.

Just my $.02 - If you want to talk - feel free to PM me.

ps: NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN
 
I also found this thread through the CAGcast. I'm also sorry about the situation you're in (though I'm sure you're tired of hearing that.) I don't have any particular insights. My wife and I have been married five years, are expecting our first baby, and have honestly never had an argument.

Don't get me wrong, we disagree all the time, but we don't argue. Anyway, the last thing I wanted to do was come in here to rub my marriage in your face - but I feel compelled to post something after that ludicrous advice above "NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN" Marriage is the best way to happiness if both people have the same goals, hands down. There is nothing wrong with marriage - it really does work. My wife makes my life infinitely better than I would be on my own or "playing the field." Unfortunately, we as a country have largely given up on sacrificing for others' benefit and as such we seem to have the attitude of "If this isn't fun, I'm not going to do it."

Believe me, I'm not here criticizing you. The last thing I want to do is judge you, but there is nothing wrong with any marriage that couldn't be fixed by forgiveness and hard work on BOTH sides. Sure, that's based on my religious beliefs but I honestly feel that way. If your wife refuses to change, I only wish you the best (mostly to your daughter as well) but I hope you don't blame marriage in general for the actions of one (sadly thoughtless) person.
 
Disconnect your internet already dammit. If you want to stay together, you need to make some sacrifices. You can go to a public library or something and use it. If you don't cut the head off the beast, it will come back after is festers for a few months.
 
Hey - I told him it was just my $.02.

There are alot of people (around 50%) who have been in failed mariages for one reason or another.

There are many who come to the realization that marriage is not a necessity for happiness.

It's an opinion - just like yours, Gillespee.
Just because you don't agree with it does not make it "ludicrous".

Can you prove "marriage is the best way to happiness" ?
It's one man's opinion - yours.

Maybe I should call you a moron because I don't agree with you?

There are alot of people out there who have become completely disenchanted with the institution of marriage as it exists in the US.
 
I saw the OP's post in the Rock Band thread. Apparently Rock Band saves marriages. More powerful than GH causing one night stands :lol:
 
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