Married/Engaged CAGs, Looking For Some Advice

strummerbs

strummerbs

CAGiversary!
Yes, I know I will get some flack for posing this question on a cheap video game website, and I admit it's not the ideal place. However, I have a lot of respect for a good portion of the CAG community, and I thought I might get some good ideas or insights (or at the very least, a few laughs).

Anyway, I am planning on proposing to my girlfriend by the end of the summer. She is going into her last year of law school, while I graduated last year and have been practicing for a year. She is attending school in Nashville, TN and spending this summer working for a firm in Chicago, while my current job is in Fort Wayne, Indiana. We've been doing the long distance thing for a year now, and, though it's been annoying, it hasn't negatively affected our relationship. I do think that now is probably the best time to ask, so we can have about a year to plan the wedding during her least stressful year of school, and have the wedding before she starts studying for the bar exam (which basically paralyzes your existence for about 6 weeks).

I've been thinking about the whole process of getting the ring and actually going through with the proposal, and I thought I might ask for advice from those CAGs who have gone through the process before. Should I ask her father first? Should I pick out a ring, or should I ask and then have her pick one out? Any ideas on good proposal locations/methods? Any stories of especially noteworthy proposals, either good or bad?
 
Yes, ask her father. It's classy, and should go fine unless he really doesn't like you for some reason....other than for being a lawyer... *chuckle*

You could always send her a legal summons and direct her to appear somewhere. Or, it would be awesome to get her on the stand somewhere (not during an actual trial, obviously), and pop the question while reminding her she's under oath. Maybe I watch too many crime dramas.

If you want her help on getting a ring but still want to surprise her, you could buy her a diamond for the proposal and have it fitted to a ring design later, or just do what other people do and get her family or friends to get a ring of hers that you can use to get a ring size for fitting.

I can't give you a lot of advice because my wife and I knew we were going to get married for a long time before I proposed, and we ended up going "rock shopping" together. I still managed to put together a bit of a surprise for the actual proposal, but it came as no shock to her, or anyone else, and she had her dial list already sitting next to her phone for when the moment happened.
 
OK, here's my $.02.

First of all, I definitely wouldn't ask her father if you don't want to - it depends on your relationship with him I guess. You certainly don't have to ask - I didn't when I got engaged and I was wondering the same thing. My father gave me some great advice - he said, "Are you going to propose whether her father gives you 'permission' or not?" Of couse I was so there was really no point in asking - I get along great with him too so it's not like it would have been awkward or anything - just unnecessary. It's not 1907.

Second, about the ring - you should know what she wants by now. My wife doesn't really wear make up or much jewelry so I knew a round cut diamond in a plain gold band would be perfect for her. She will love whatever you decide on as long as you don't get her something she would never pick out herself.

Third, about the proposal - you need to think of this yourself. You will be cheating her AND you if you just use someone else's idea. Make it special but make it your own. FWIW, I planned a 2 week vacation in Italy and literally duct taped the ring to the side of my stomach so she wouldn't find it. I proposed on the third day in Vicenza at the base of Palladio's Bascilica while we shared a bottle of wine. It was really great.

Fourth - as a fellow lawyer, don't you think it would be better for everyone if you got married the year AFTER the bar? I guess I see your point because 3rd year is a joke but coming home from a honeymoon and going straight to Barbri will suck beyond anything that has ever sucked before. I'd let her take the exam and then start planning everything - maybe shoot for a spring wedding the year after the bar or something - I don't know. I certainly wouldn't want the bar exam looming over my wedding.

Good luck though!
 
Asking her father is always fun, because then she realizes that she was the only person who didn't know what was coming between that time and the proposal. I didn't do anything fancy with mine, just took her to Niagara Falls for the weekend, and proposed as soon as we got there cause I was far too nervous to wait around and do something elaborate.

As far as ring shopping, I knew her ring size somehow, so I just did it myself. My dad was around one weekend to go with me which was nice, since I know nothing about diamonds. Unless she's really picky about such things (you would know if she is), it won't be tough to make her happy with what you pick out. I think the only real question is if she likes her jewelry in silver/white gold or yellow gold.

Definitely good that you're thinking about the timing, as well. We actually got engaged two years ago, and had the wedding last month - gave her plenty of time to plan stuff around grad school/job, and everything was done before her tough classes started up in the summer. Very important consideration.
 
My girlfriend's father isn't around (he left when she was young), but I am going to ask her mother (who likes me, but want to have "the chat" with me) when we go to her home in July.
 
[quote name='munch']I asked my wife's father before I asked her. And I did it whilst taking a shit. Fun stuff.[/quote]

:) Nice, did he say "Of course you can marry my daughter, but please stop shitting in my living room"
 
I don't think this is a bad place to ask your question. There are a lot of unruly kids around here, sure, but there are also a lot of guys (and gals) in long term relationships, married with and without kids. Hopefully io, javery, CheapyD, Wombat, and some of our other grown-up CAGs will respond as well.

I've been married for almost four years now. My wife and I met online six years ago by sheer chance (she was looking for information in a Yahoo group about a musician we both liked, I happened to be online, so she sent me a PM asking a question...the rest is history). It was kind of rough at first, because I was 26 at the time and she was 18 and just starting college. Her parents were understandably wary of me at first, so I had to work hard to put them at ease. Our first date was exactly one month after we met online, and I met her mom and her brother at the same time I met her for the first time. So even though our meeting was very modern, our first date was old-fashioned. Brought flowers for both her and her mom, which helped grease the wheels. ;)

We were engaged about three months after that, which was sooner than either of us expected, I think. She was going to school about three hours away and at that point we were spending weekends together. One Wednesday night, she drove up and surprised me. We were standing holding each other in the kitchen and I thought, “This feels really good. I want to feel like this for the rest of my life.” So I asked her to marry me. I didn’t have a ring or anything. I just did it. At first she didn’t believe me, so I got down on my knee and asked again. She cried and said yes.

We waited a month or two to tell our families, partly because she was so young, partly because we’d only been together for a few months, and partly because we wanted to be sure ourselves. We ended up breaking the news over Thanksgiving, and everyone was totally supportive and overjoyed. So that was a relief.

We had a long engagement (a little over 2 years) for some of the same reasons you mentioned: We wanted to plan the wedding ourselves and wanted some time to save up for it. Wanted to give her some time to get further along in school. And we wanted more time to be as sure as we could that this was going to work. But by the time that day came (Sept. 27, 2003), we were ready for it, in every sense.

Some advice for you:

- Do have a ring. There’s something to be said for spontaneity, but if I had it to do over, I would have prepared. I felt like I let her down a little in this department, and the engagement ring was an uncomfortable issue until we finally got her one a few months later.

- Tap into that CAG instinct and don’t fall into the wedding spending trap. The average wedding costs something like $27,000 nowadays. Our wedding was gorgeous, cost less than $8,000, and was paid in full before we cut the cake. We had 100 of our closest friends and family there, plenty of food, a beautiful location, and everything we wanted (we were even featured in a wedding magazine). And we used the money we saved for a down payment on our first house, which is a much better way to ensure a happy life together.

- Respect her parents, but don’t put their feelings before hers. Yes, it’s traditional to ask permission before you pop the question, but ask yourself, how would you feel if you were in her shoes? Wouldn’t you want to be able to make that decision on your own? And what if she’s not ready to get married yet? Then she has to explain herself not only to you, but to her folks as well. I think it makes much more sense to decide what you two want, then present a unified front to the parents afterwards.

Good luck to you, and make sure to keep us apprised!
 
[quote name='benjamouth']:) Nice, did he say "Of course you can marry my daughter, but please stop shitting in my living room"[/QUOTE]

:rofl: Nice. I forgot to mention that I had to do it over the phone. I live a long ways away from him.
 
[quote name='Tybee']I
- Tap into that CAG instinct and don’t fall into the wedding spending trap. The average wedding costs something like $27,000 nowadays. Our wedding was gorgeous, cost less than $8,000, and was paid in full before we cut the cake. We had 100 of our closest friends and family there, plenty of food, a beautiful location, and everything we wanted (we were even featured in a wedding magazine). And we used the money we saved for a down payment on our first house, which is a much better way to ensure a happy life together.[/QUOTE]

This is good to hear Tybee. My girl knows I'm going to be popping the question soon, so we've started to look at some wedding stuff. She (and I) are concerned about the cost. We're looking for a small affair as well, about 100 people, and I at least was hoping to have it for about $10k. Especially since it'll be just about a year after we finish undergrad (and possibly while we're both in grad school).

Maybe I'll start a cheap ass wedding thread when I need some more advice haha.
 
Speaking as an Italian-American, I had to ask my mother (rest-in-peace) first if it was ok that I propose to my wife. After she gave me her blessing, my mother told me I HAD to ask her father for permission first...I was almost expecting my mom to make me give two cows and three chickens as a dowry...lol.

As for the proposal I waited till my birthday, took my wife to a nice restaurant and told her the only thing that I wanted for my birthday was her for the rest of my life. Then I produced the ring. It was a family heirloom, very old and simple, so I told her that it was the diamond that meant something and we should switch it out with the setting of her choosing. We got to go ring shopping and had a blast.

7 years and 2 kids later, I would do it all over again!
 
[quote name='Number83']Speaking as an Italian-American, I had to ask my mother (rest-in-peace) first if it was ok that I propose to my wife. After she gave me her blessing, my mother told me I HAD to ask her father for permission first...I was almost expecting my mom to make me give two cows and three chickens as a dowry...lol.
[/QUOTE]
Italian-American familiies kick ass. Though mine is less traditional than a lot of them, they're still great fun even though they're loud as hell.
 
[quote name='javeryh']OK, here's my $.02.

First of all, I definitely wouldn't ask her father if you don't want to - it depends on your relationship with him I guess. You certainly don't have to ask - I didn't when I got engaged and I was wondering the same thing. My father gave me some great advice - he said, "Are you going to propose whether her father gives you 'permission' or not?" Of couse I was so there was really no point in asking - I get along great with him too so it's not like it would have been awkward or anything - just unnecessary. It's not 1907.

Second, about the ring - you should know what she wants by now. My wife doesn't really wear make up or much jewelry so I knew a round cut diamond in a plain gold band would be perfect for her. She will love whatever you decide on as long as you don't get her something she would never pick out herself.

Third, about the proposal - you need to think of this yourself. You will be cheating her AND you if you just use someone else's idea. Make it special but make it your own. FWIW, I planned a 2 week vacation in Italy and literally duct taped the ring to the side of my stomach so she wouldn't find it. I proposed on the third day in Vicenza at the base of Palladio's Bascilica while we shared a bottle of wine. It was really great.

Fourth - as a fellow lawyer, don't you think it would be better for everyone if you got married the year AFTER the bar? I guess I see your point because 3rd year is a joke but coming home from a honeymoon and going straight to Barbri will suck beyond anything that has ever sucked before. I'd let her take the exam and then start planning everything - maybe shoot for a spring wedding the year after the bar or something - I don't know. I certainly wouldn't want the bar exam looming over my wedding.

Good luck though![/QUOTE]

I agree with everything you said, actually. I'm not looking to copy anyone's proposals. It will be my own thing, and I've got some ideas. Just thought hearing prior experiences might give me some inspiration. I agree about the bar exam thing too. I just know from talking with her that she wants to have the marriage before she starts her job. Thus, it's either go right before the bar studying process or right afterwards. I'm going to leave that up to her, but I am very cognizant of how stressful the situation is (especially as I am in the process of studying for my second bar as we speak).
 
Proposal
I asked my father in law for permission and he enjoyed it quite a bit. While I didn't know he was going to do this, he did NOT tell his wife. He thought it was so funny that he knew it was going to happen soon and she didn't. However, my wife used to try to leave me and her dad alone just in case I ever wanted to ask. Somehow she thought I was going to ask him one time when we were out on his farm shooting at stuff. Anyway, you don't have to but it is more romantic for her and helps build your relationship with your in-laws.

Ring Shopping
You should have talked about marriage at some point anyway. Next time you two are at the mall just walk by a jewlery store and say you'd like to look at rings so when the time comes you can surprise her by choosing the wedding band for her. You just need to know what she likes. Her reaction to your request is a good indication about whether you should have her pick it out or not when the time comes. Upscale jewlery stores have a "gotta love it" guarantee so if she does not like what you bought it can be exchanged.

How to Propose
I proposed with a fortune cookie after eating Thai food from our favorite restaruant. What you should think about is something you both like doing together as a treat and incoporating your proposal into that. However you propose the story of it will be told over and over again your whole life.

Other advice
You relationship changes once you are engaged. You might want to talk to her about how she sees the next few years playing out. I always suggest that people live in the same town for while before being engaged but that doesn't sound like that would work for you. Also, you don't have to set a date right away after proposing. You could just have a perpetual engagement while she finishes her bar studies.

T
 
Funny story: I mentioned how the engagement ring was an issue. Well, we went through about 5 of 'em.

There was the placeholder ring that came out of a gumball machine. The "nerd" ring, a replica of Galadriel's from the LotR movies.

Then, my mom gave me what she said was the engagement ring my dad gave her, which I presented to my fiancee in a glass of champagne on New Year's Eve. That was fine, until we took it to be appraised and it turned out to be a CZ, at which point my mom "remembered" that it was actually a "right hand" ring she had bought off the street in New Orleans in her 20s. That created a little.....drama.

When we ended up going to get her actual ring, my brother was in town, and my dad, who knows a lot about gems, insisted on coming and my mom came along too. So it was quite a parade. Oy vey.
 
Just going to answer the questions you asked, since you seem to have the rest planned out.


First off, I would say definately ask her father. Although I sort of agree with javeryh with the whole, why does it matter if you plan on asking her anyway. But if nothing else, it's a nice gesture. And you might as well start the whole thing out with a nice gesture rather than starting out on the wrong foot. You don't know what he's thinking/expecting and don't want to inadvertently piss someone off.

As for the ring, my suggestion would be take her ring shopping with you before you buy it and before you propose. It's not like you proposing will be a surprise, so you might as well get her input. At least you can get a feel for what she likes and actually do the buying later. That way you can make sure you get something she'll like, but the actual ring will be a surprise.

Location and methods should be personal. All depends on how you want to go about it and what you think that she'll enjoy. Make it memorable, obviously. But if you guys really want to get married, then she'd probably rather be engaged sooner rather than you procrastinating to come up with the perfect plan. And, remember, you can always do a second wedding in 5 years or something where you can spring it on her as a surprise. And you will also be much more finacially stable and not have things such as the bar and school and stuff to worry about.

And as a last note, javeryh may have another good point about having the Bar looming over the wedding. You want to have fun for as long as possible after the wedding and honeymoon, not the honeymoon, and then her studying for 6 weeks before you have any real contact.
 
[quote name='umcthomas']How to Propose
I proposed with a fortune cookie after eating Thai food from our favorite restaruant.[/quote]

Fortune cookies? With Thai food?

Must be a Kansas thing. ;)
 
[quote name='munch']Tybee, I want to hear about that drama![/quote]

Suffice to say, Mom and I each learned some new words.
 
im getting married july 7th in Vegas. Cost of wedding = $1500 for 30 people. Of course, im not paying for them to fly out =]
 
I didnt ask my current wife's fathers permission... not that I dont like him, but he was an asshole to her family growing up (drinking problem) so I feel no guilt in not doing that

For the proposal I had it all planned out, during our trip to Va for christmas that year I was going to ask her from the National Gallery (we are both art buffs especially me) during our trip within a trip to Washington DC, at the time I bought her ring, I picked up a nice gold bracelet to give her first on the trip... to give her the illusion THAT was a ring and to throw her off... well that didnt come as planned, the trip was scheduled after christmas, and on Christmas I got the cold shoulder since I didnt have a gift for her at that time (I had got her a palm handheld for christmas a few weeks earlier and givent it to her). I relented and gave her the bracelet.

But the proposal itself went well, we got into a particular room and sat down and I began my speech, whipped out a rose I had hidden in my pocket... and VERY quickly got down on my knee to ask for her hand in marriage with the ring... I was glad to get that $2500 thing out of my pocket and on her finger.

My advice, be original... dont have to be elaborat or anything, just give them a story they will remember for the rest of their lives
 
Yes, ask for the father's blessing. It's one of those things that nobody is going to be upset by you making the gesture of asking, but some fathers would be pissed off if you don't. Exception being if you know the guy hates you, but even given that I'd still suck it up and make the gesture. "I know we don't always see eye to eye, but I love your daughter with all my heart and want to spend my life with her. blah blah" If he is a dick about it, it's not like the man can really prevent the engagement.

I'd get her input on the ring as it's something she'll hopefully wear for the rest of her life. There are already some good suggestions on ways to do that here.

As for popping the question, just put a little thought behind it and she'll be happy. Unless she absolutely hates anything traditional (e.g. she gets pissed off if you hold a door open for her) get down one knee.

Tybee - I think when a girl tells her female friends/acquaintances/enemies/whoever they got engaged the convo goes:

"I got engaged!"
"Ooo, let me see the ring!"

Every single time. So I can see how it would be a pain for the girl to not have the ring straight away.
 
The tradition of asking the bride's father for permission relates to the fact that in the old days he was expected to pay a dowry and/or pay for the wedding itself. So obviously, it was important to get his approval.

But it's rare that the wife's family is expected to lay out that kind of dough anymore, certainly in this country, so I fail to see how this is somehow a more respectful way to do things. Whether her dad is a good guy or isn't or whether he is likely to say yes or no is immaterial. The point is, her feelings should come first, and it's her decision to make.

[quote name='wubb']Tybee - I think when a girl tells her female friends/acquaintances/enemies/whoever they got engaged the convo goes:

"I got engaged!"
"Ooo, let me see the ring!"

Every single time. So I can see how it would be a pain for the girl to not have the ring straight away.[/quote]

Believe me when I tell you, I learned this from experience.
 
[quote name='Tybee']The tradition of asking the bride's father for permission relates to the fact that in the old days he was expected to pay a dowry and/or pay for the wedding itself. So obviously, it was important to get his approval.

But it's rare that the wife's family is expected to lay out that kind of dough anymore, certainly in this country, so I fail to see how this is somehow a more respectful way to do things. Whether her dad is a good guy or isn't or whether he is likely to say yes or no is immaterial. The point is, her feelings should come first, and it's her decision to make.[/quote]
Well, it's not totally uncommon to still have the father of the bride to pay for the wedding. This is the modern day version of the dowry. Recently, though, the parents of the groom have been expected to pay for the rehearsal dinner or the entire reception.
 
[quote name='GuyWithGun']Well, it's not totally uncommon to still have the father of the bride to pay for the wedding. This is the modern day version of the dowry. Recently, though, the parents of the groom have been expected to pay for the rehearsal dinner or the entire reception.[/quote]

Actually, I think it's much more common these days for people to pay for their own weddings, which is how they rack up that $20k+ in debt. That must be lovely to come home to after the honeymoon. :roll:

In our case, we paid for the wedding, her dad (her parents are divorced) paid for the rehearsal dinner, and my folks paid for the honeymoon, which served as our gift from them.
 
From a professional woman's point of view, I've always HATED the whole "ask dad" crap. I'm not a piece of property, I'm a person. My dh didn't bother with it. If you really want to include the parents, my friend's dh proposed, then they went to her parents and together they asked for their blessing for the marriage. Nice gesture but a bit more updated.

As far as the ring, you need to know if she's particular, because some women WON'T love it because you gave it. I know someone who made her fiance return the ring because she hated it. I had my grandmother's aquamarine engagement ring that I wanted reset into mine, so dh kind of HAD to let me in on it. We picked out a setting together, then I said I just want it before our Christmas letter goes out. That way everyone can be notified at once. That gave him four months.

Don't worry about having to do a big proposal. I loved that we were at one of our fav hangouts (our first kiss location had been demolished, and we weren't anywhere near our first date location). Totally caught me off guard. I would have known something was up if we did a BIG thing.

Good luck!
 
Strummerbs, if you're in town for the summer, you should shop for rings down on Wabash ("Jeweler's Row"). We got ours at New York Jewelers...

Ask your girl which type of stone she prefers, and then you can do the rest. Just remember the "4 C's"!

Also, I've directed many people to this site before, but only because it is chock-full of useful ideas:

www.theknot.com
 
[quote name='strummerbs']Yes, I know I will get some flack for posing this question on a cheap video game website, and I admit it's not the ideal place. However, I have a lot of respect for a good portion of the CAG community, and I thought I might get some good ideas or insights (or at the very least, a few laughs).

Anyway, I am planning on proposing to my girlfriend by the end of the summer. She is going into her last year of law school, while I graduated last year and have been practicing for a year. She is attending school in Nashville, TN and spending this summer working for a firm in Chicago, while my current job is in Fort Wayne, Indiana. We've been doing the long distance thing for a year now, and, though it's been annoying, it hasn't negatively affected our relationship. I do think that now is probably the best time to ask, so we can have about a year to plan the wedding during her least stressful year of school, and have the wedding before she starts studying for the bar exam (which basically paralyzes your existence for about 6 weeks).

I've been thinking about the whole process of getting the ring and actually going through with the proposal, and I thought I might ask for advice from those CAGs who have gone through the process before. Should I ask her father first? Should I pick out a ring, or should I ask and then have her pick one out? Any ideas on good proposal locations/methods? Any stories of especially noteworthy proposals, either good or bad?[/QUOTE]

Umm.. no offense, but how can you want to get married when you two barely get to see each other? Does she tell you that she loves? How long have you been with her, and does she feel that your relationship is as commited as you do? You don't get suspicious with all that distance between you two? Long distance relationship are always bad news. Maybe you left out some details or something, but from what you've said it seems like your lives are going in two different directions.
 
[quote name='Chris in Cali']Umm.. no offense, but how can you want to get married when you two barely get to see each other? Does she tell you that she loves? How long have you been with her, and does she feel that your relationship is as commited as you do? You don't get suspicious with all that distance between you two? Long distance relationship are always bad news. Maybe you left out some details or something, but from what you've said it seems like your lives are going in two different directions.[/quote]
I'd imagine if they've already talked about marriage, that they have already exchanged the L word. And not all women are untrustworthy. Granted anyone is susceptible to being suspicious at one point or another, but if they know that they love each other, then I'm sure they trust each other.

Hell, I had a friend who went into the Peace Corps for two years and was in Panama. Now, that's a long distance relationship. But they loved each other and made it work. They are now engaged and will be married soon.
 
I just got engaged a few months ago. Everything is obviously different with each couple, but here's the feedback from my experience...

Depending on your relationship and your gf's relationship with her parents, I think it may be important for you to ask for their permission. I'm very close with my mother, but not my father, and my fiance sees my mom all the time, so they're on pretty good speaking terms. He didn't ask my mother for permission, and in the end, my mother was kinda pieved about that. He said he didn't ask her for permission beforehand because he was afraid of her not being able to keep a secret (which is kinda true). I still would have liked for him asked her. My father isn't a big part of my life, so I don't care that he didn't ask him. (In fact, I would be upset if he asked him before my mom.)

My fiance spent A LOT of time researching rings. Unless you have no clue about her tastes and are planning to get a placeholder ring, I really suggest you put a lot of time and effort in the ring. I hate to sound superficial, but the ring was a pretty good deal-sealer, considering I wasn't sure about getting engaged anytime soon. It was perfect fit and perfect look, I loved the ring, and I was incredibly impressed with his knowledge of my tastes. The ring hella stressed him out, but the results were good.

Because my fiance went all out on the ring, he kinda did a last minute thing on the actual proposal. He did a traditional fancy restaurant deal. I would have preferred a more private setting, but he said he thought maybe a public setting would make it less likely for me to say "no" (which is somewhat true, that bastard).
 
[quote name='judyjudyjudy']My fiance spent A LOT of time researching rings. Unless you have no clue about her tastes and are planning to get a placeholder ring, I really suggest you put a lot of time and effort in the ring. I hate to sound superficial, but the ring was a pretty good deal-sealer, considering I wasn't sure about getting engaged anytime soon. It was perfect fit and perfect look, I loved the ring, and I was incredibly impressed with his knowledge of my tastes. The ring hella stressed him out, but the results were good.

Because my fiance went all out on the ring, he kinda did a last minute thing on the actual proposal. He did a traditional fancy restaurant deal. I would have preferred a more private setting, but he said he thought maybe a public setting would make it less likely for me to say "no" (which is somewhat true, that bastard).[/quote]

So you only said yes because it was a nice ring?! Wow...;)

I asked both of my wife's parents before I asked her.
 
[quote name='Chris in Cali']Umm.. no offense, but how can you want to get married when you two barely get to see each other? Does she tell you that she loves? How long have you been with her, and does she feel that your relationship is as commited as you do? You don't get suspicious with all that distance between you two? Long distance relationship are always bad news. Maybe you left out some details or something, but from what you've said it seems like your lives are going in two different directions.[/QUOTE]

You jumped to a lot of conclusions with very little evidence there. We dated for quite a while before we were separated, and basically lived together for a year. We are very much in love, and she has told me multiple times that she is just waiting for me to ask. That's not an issue at all. I do not get suspicious regarding the distance thing. We went to the same law school, and I was two years ahead of her. I graduated and took the best job I could get at the time. She graduates next year, and we will be together after that. The distance thing is annoying, but we talk every day, and we see each other as often as possible. It's not always bad news, sometimes it's just a necessity of circumstances.
 
I am married for more than 6 months now and we were engaged for 1 year, dated 2 years before that. I did ask her father about marrying her. She has a really close relationship with his family, especially her father, so it was kind of a big deal.

Really shopping was rather hard. Do know what you are getting into when you buy a ring. Do your research what kind of ring is worth your hard earn money, and what kind of ring she likes. At least find our the cut and kind of gold she likes. My wife prefers white gold over yellow, and wanted to a princess cut ring. Stuff like that, you want to know before hand.

Like electronics, when you buy a ring, you are getting what you pay for. I took the quality over quantity road. I rather buy a small but colorless and good clarity diamond than a big yellow stone. This is how you can gauge how much you are willing to spend.

Some jewelry stores like Kay's might have specials that will give you bonus for spending a certain amount of money. Also, try to take advantage of no interest plans. This will help spread out the total money you have to dish out.
 
Talk to her about it first. You don't really want the proposla to be a complete surprise. In doing so, maybe get an idea of what kind of ring she might like; get it yourself when she's not around.

Ask her father first, in person if possible. Show him the ring, tell him about the plans you have to take care of his daughter. It's not that you need his permission, but it will impress him, even if your relationship with him isn't real close, and can go a long way to heading off at the pass at lot of those "in-law" stereotypes.

Then pick a special place and a special night and ask her. The more personal and creative the better :)
 
[quote name='Tybee']Actually, I think it's much more common these days for people to pay for their own weddings, which is how they rack up that $20k+ in debt. That must be lovely to come home to after the honeymoon. :roll:

In our case, we paid for the wedding, her dad (her parents are divorced) paid for the rehearsal dinner, and my folks paid for the honeymoon, which served as our gift from them.[/quote]We negoiated with our parents to split things three ways, $5000 each. It's not our fault that we managed to squeeze everything in to $10000. :D Though our $5000 was essentially the honeymoon.

But getting $4500 in gift money made up for it!
 
[quote name='javeryh']I really hope dh doesn't stand for dead husband. um, yeah... it's Friday and I'm tired.[/quote]

I was thinking she meant DickHead when I read it...uh, huh...time to punch out for the weekend...
 
Well, first off, I think being apart can actually make the decision eaiser. If you are together all the time, 24/7, how can you be sure how you feel about her? But, if she's gone for an extended period of time, and you know she is the one, then you know. Assuming she feels the same way, I think that's fine.

I have a few things to add, so I figure this will get long.

After reading yours, before even getting to Jev's response, I was thinking the same thing. I'm not a lawyer, but why would you want to plan a wedding during school (even if it is easy, I'm sure there is still time eaten up, and planning a wedding can be a full time job) and then you need to jam a wedding in, so she can come back and study for the bar. One piece of advice, that time after the honeymoon is cake compared to the rest of your life. No matter how long your together, after honeymoon time you still get several weeks where you can do no wrong. But, with the bar right there, you can imagine, your cheating yourself out of that time (including lots of sex, which I assume is important to you). I'm not saying wait to get engaged. Actually, this might be a great time to get engaged, just hold off on the wedding.

Asking her father is a family thing. One thing though, if in doubt, you probably should do it. You will rarely get into trouble in the wedding department going the more traditional route. Your future wife will forgive you for asking him if she would have rather had you not do it (exception, if she made it clear in her mind that you shouldn't, but since you have no clue, I'll go with no there). But, if she would rather have had you ask and you skip it, your getting the wedding planning off on the wrong foot, and it's something she'll NEVER let you forget. So, better to ask him. Even if he says no, you can still ask (it also gives you a good feeling to how that side of the family will take it, which you might as well know early).

On the ring, every woman is different. However, many jewlery stores (at least around here in Michigan) will let you exchange in 30 days. So, you can buy something that you think she'll like, and if she doesn't, you can return it. If you have no eye for jewlery at all and you have no feel for it, don't get anything. You don't need a ring to ask her to marry you, just ask her at a time when you can get a ring very soon (next few days). In a way, I thiink some women enjoy this more. Many women use their weddings as a time to be the center of attention. This way, they get to be to make two announcements to their friends/family. One that your getting married then another to show off the ring.

3) MAKE THE ASKING SPECIAL: I blew this part off, and I regret it 2 years later. I was trying to plan something, and my girlfriend/wife was harassing me to get married. It was a weekly thing, and I was trying to plan something out when she just laid into me that we should get married. So, I just said fine, and we went ring shopping. I tried to fix it after the fact, getting down on one knee and asking, but you just can't have a redo on something like that (grrr, times that life needs to resemble gaming a bit more). Depending on you and her can be how big or small you go with this. Some couples need to do it in front of a huge audience. Others, you just redo your first date, and ask her at the right moment. I know a friend of mine had a girl that always wanted to go to a play (why she never just went, I don't know). So, he took her, waited until intermission, and then said that he wanted to keep giving her things she's always watned forever, and asked her there.

So, each person is different, just do something.

Also, don't worry about the cold feet too much. The night before, I was a wreck, even knowing she was the right person. But, being married has been the BEST thing that has ever happened to me (2+, going on 3 years now). I would never change that decision.
 
I've been dating my girl for almost 8 years now and I think this year is the one to propose. (Before I get ridiculed, we started dating in high school and through college and moved in together a few months ago, so I'm not a commit-a-phobe or anything.)

Anyway, here's maybe two silly questions:

1. I would like it to be really a surprise. Since we've been together for so long and don't discuss marriage on a regular basis, she will be shocked at the proposal itself. How can you pick out something she likes? Just guess, ask her mom? I don't want to get a 'placeholder' and I don't want her to come shopping with me. I've never looked at rings before myself so maybe one will jump out at me since I know her style.

2. Once you have the ring and are ready to propose, how do you hide the fact that you have a two in bulge in your pants (from the ring box) when you are on the way to the event?
 
[quote name='Mr Unoriginal']I've been dating my girl for almost 8 years now and I think this year is the one to propose. (Before I get ridiculed, we started dating in high school and through college and moved in together a few months ago, so I'm not a commit-a-phobe or anything.)

Anyway, here's maybe two silly questions:

1. I would like it to be really a surprise. Since we've been together for so long and don't discuss marriage on a regular basis, she will be shocked at the proposal itself. How can you pick out something she likes? Just guess, ask her mom? I don't want to get a 'placeholder' and I don't want her to come shopping with me. I've never looked at rings before myself so maybe one will jump out at me since I know her style.

2. Once you have the ring and are ready to propose, how do you hide the fact that you have a two in bulge in your pants (from the ring box) when you are on the way to the event?[/quote]

I always have a 2" bulge in my pants... and by 2" bulge I mean a 12" bulge. Just don't bring the box. Also, if you've been together for 8 years I hope you can pick something out that she will like. As long as it's something pretty she will wear it (unless she is a psycho bitch which in that case run for the hills).
 
If you think asking her father will go over well, do it. If you think it will be a bad experience all around, don't. Simple as that.

Overall, I'd have to say asking her father is a good thing, but sometimes the guy is just a total dick. In my case, I won't be asking my girl's father.
 
[quote name='Lieutenant Dan']If you think asking her father will go over well, do it. If you think it will be a bad experience all around, don't. Simple as that.

Overall, I'd have to say asking her father is a good thing, but sometimes the guy is just a total dick. In my case, I won't be asking my girl's father.[/QUOTE]

I think I'll ask him. He's an awesome guy, as is her entire family, so no worries on it going badly, so long as I don't do something stupid. He'll also probably raid his vodka stash (my girlfriend and her family immigrated from the Ukraine in the early 90's) for toast, so that will be fun.
 
[quote name='strummerbs']I think I'll ask him. He's an awesome guy, as is her entire family, so no worries on it going badly, so long as I don't do something stupid. He'll also probably raid his vodka stash (my girlfriend and her family immigrated from the Ukraine in the early 90's) for toast, so that will be fun.[/quote]
Then he'll bust out the fish-head gelatin paste (or whatever the hell you ate at that family dinner you talked about) and smile and tell you that it's tradition for you to dine with him.
 
[quote name='GuyWithGun']Then he'll bust out the fish-head gelatin paste (or whatever the hell you ate at that family dinner you talked about) and smile and tell you that it's tradition for you to dine with him.[/QUOTE]

Yeah, the frightening meats in gelatin thing is odd. At her father's birthday party a few weeks back, it was beef tongue in gelatin. Needless to say, I passed on that. Ukrainian dishes are either incredibly good or sickening. It's like playing Russian (no pun intended) Roulette with your palate.
 
I really don't think asking her father is relevant. This should be something between the two of you and no one else. I didn't ask my wife's father and glad I didn't. He likes me a lot and I him, but I just didn't see it as his decision - it was hers. My wife told me she would have been mad had I asked him. You can be respectful and and still not ask.

One option for the ring, not sure if it has been mentioned, is to just buy the diamond somewhere. Most places will usually lend you a solitaire setting so you can give it to her when you propose. Then she can pick the setting out after. I believe some will lend you the diamond as well, but I assume you may be tied to make the purchase at that store.
 
[quote name='javeryh']I always have a 2" bulge in my pants... and by 2" bulge I mean a 12" bulge. Just don't bring the box. Also, if you've been together for 8 years I hope you can pick something out that she will like. As long as it's something pretty she will wear it (unless she is a psycho bitch which in that case run for the hills).[/QUOTE]

my brother in law hid the ring in his sock.
 
[quote name='Mr Unoriginal']1. I would like it to be really a surprise. Since we've been together for so long and don't discuss marriage on a regular basis, she will be shocked at the proposal itself. How can you pick out something she likes? Just guess, ask her mom? I don't want to get a 'placeholder' and I don't want her to come shopping with me. I've never looked at rings before myself so maybe one will jump out at me since I know her style.

2. Once you have the ring and are ready to propose, how do you hide the fact that you have a two in bulge in your pants (from the ring box) when you are on the way to the event?[/QUOTE]1. I dunno about that one, because my fiance had zero input from me, which is why I found the whole ring thing really impressive. He said he got clues from me about talking about non-marriage-related jewelry in general. Maybe little things like passing by jewelry store windows in the mall and making little comments, I dunno.

2. My fiance had a bag with him when we went to dinner, because my "present" was supposed to be inside. (My "present" ended up being a large empty box.) At some point, he got it out of the bag and snuck it into his pocket before he proposed. I'm not sure how I missed it, because the jewelry store he got the ring seem to have extra large ring boxes. I would imagine with the normal sized ring boxes, maybe they'd be easier to hide? You could also take chances and not use a box.
 
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