Well to ruin everything,.... Jesus was an alien! He introduced a virus which would mutate apes into intelligent beings, so that he could trick them with his technology into having wonton orgies of sex with them. Considering the only thing sexy about an ape is the way they fling poo at each other, it was the only way.
Once these mutated apes became a little too advanced, Jesus opened up a Stargate, and sent the products of his past sexual endeavors to Egypt or Masopotamia. These new god-like abominations continued their father's work, by enslaving the monkians, and casting down light from the sky to frighten them, telling them that this magic would kill them all, unless they had sex with them.
So... they did!
BUT!@!@@!
Those who did not, were considered rebels, and they were certain that they could save their new humanity. After a few hours of deep meditative conjuring, and the counsel of the trees, they figured out that they had a magic as well. They called it the FORCE, and they would show these Bubba Ho Tep wanna-be's what's up!!
Unfortunately, Jesus couldn't leave the mothership that day, he was creating Carrot Top's great, great, great, great granddaddy, so he sent his first born, Duncan Mcleod to put these ingrates in their place. With a fierce magical beam shot from the clouds into his sword, similar to what we call "lightning" today, Duncan smited those who would do Jesus any harm. This pushed the rebels into a corner, and they could only submit to the power of the "ONE".
About 2 days later, Jesus' other son Neo was invited to Earth by Gaia herself. She needed his dark mysterious spoon bending hot bod, to melt her inner core, with his Mandingo eruptions,... but this was not to be.
Neo bumped into his brother Duncan, and a debate, which lasted almost 17 minutes ensued. Can there be only one? The monkians were confused to say the least, but they fashioned an idea that stemmed from their former lives. Similar to a poo-pit, as the apes would call it, they would build an octagon, for a K1 Bloodsport Cage match!!! It sucked though, cause without Gaia's creampie leftovers, there wasn't enough stone to build it.
They got about 6 pyramids deep, when they ran out, but this didn't stop the fight.
Well, to make this short, there was no victor, Jesus decided that he would just buy them new cars, and magically create alcohol from wood, using magic. First one who crashed would be sent to Earth to make magical moving picture box movies about robots taking over the world. So, maybe you've pieced it all together by now, maybe not.
Finally, the one true god of Earth, and the REAL father of the titans, Zeus, got fed up with the way things were looking. Neo disrespecting his ho, Gaia, and Duncan stealing all his thunderbolts was just too much for him to stomach. He simply pushed a button, on his magic remote control, and paused the world. He hand plucked every single ounce of magic from the planet, and then set it back in motion.
Therefore, all magic ceases to exist, and only the Matrix is real, because everyone beleives in movies and robots and drugs and sex and Jesus. Who are you, a Zeus or a Jesus? Or do you just like playing cards with baby harversting mutant trannies, that make catpeople out of fluffernutter and Ewok ear wax??
*You have to think sinister music in your head, or else you just won't see this for it's unadulterated truth.