
's sake
Anyone who's been on my journal for a while will remember back in the summer that I had a bunch of dentistry done, which ended up costing me nearly 400 quid (which I really can't afford now that I'm a pauper).

ing thing's broken. I was eating a bit of bread, suddenly there's something hard in it - damn if it isn't the back of that bloody tooth which appears to have completely arbitrarily just *fallen off*. So it means I now have to spend tomorrow faffing about to get an emergency appointment, hopefully go and get it patched up, then *more* expense that I can't afford.
I dunno what it is with this year. Everything was fine until around the time I game up smoking. I figured doing that would be taking a big, positive step towards being healthier and feeling better and you know what? Everything since then has just been a storm of stress and shit. Every positive effort I've put into anything seems to have led to little or no reward, every little thing that could go wrong has just about done so, I've spent more time in the damn doctors and dentists than for the last 10 years, and for what? I feel more stressed and

ed than I ever have before, I'm skint, I'm turning into a miserable sod - I notice I'm withdrawing more from both RL and online social spaces more because I feel I seldom have anything cheery to say and that I'll just end up being a miserable git to everyone else and resenting the happiness of people doing better than I am. I don't like what all this is doing to me. I don't know how Giles puts up with me these days, really I don't.
That's kinda how I used to be ten years ago, albeit for fundamentally different reasons; I didn't much like myself at those times and I was glad to get out of that state of mind. I never thought I'd end up there again but bugger me, the crap that's happened this year is pushing me scarily back in that direction. I've never known a time like it for sheer effort expended and nothing really positive back as a result.
I just need to see some kind of upturn, some little thing to show that things are turning around...
But no, more dentistry.
That I can't really afford.
Joy.
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Very nice week off, and many thanks to our host Paula for looking after us so well and showing us around. Time to ease back into the mode, which we shall do this coming week. We also have a metric smegload of pics that we'll get upped in the next few days.
For now it's just re-entry and preparing to go back to the mode. I still feel a bit aggrieved at.. well, just about everything that has happened this year really, apart from the last week. I feel like I've spent the year making some pretty extreme efforts to make things better for my own health, to make things as good as I possibly can in terms of work, and all I've had back from it is a resounding "

off". I just have a huge feeling of disappointment and worthlessness.
Having a week off really helped, and i didn't even really look at the net while I was gone, I needed that complete disconnect. Coming back feels strange... part of me would just like to stay forever in the winter sunshine, going for walks and drinking Super Bock at beer o'clock and never thinking of games design ever again. I can fully see why people retire to the sun, and in a way i envy them; there is a part of me which increasingly wishes that it really was over, that I could retire and not give a shit any more.
But I can't afford that luxury; I can barely afford to pay the mortgage, much less loaf around and do

all. So the ox must return to harness, and I'm split, there is always a part of me that has the old enthusiasm, that pleasure I have in knowing that the game is fitting together well, but that is now tempered by the knowledge that those old feelings don't apply any more, that people these days seem to want something that is dumbed down to blandness compared to how things used to be when I was designing games for real. I dunno. I guess I've lost confidence to an extent. SG really *was* a great design, the best I ever did, and yet people were content to spit on me for it. I can't begin to describe how sad that made me feel.
Ah well, ox mode must prevail. I don't really know what else to do except lean into the yoke and put one hoof in front of the other and try to do the stuff that I believe in and hope that in the end it comes out, if not good, at least sustainable.
So it goes.