Vince - IT’S 9 O CLOCK AND WE’RE ON RAW. I’m gonna determine which one of you is gonna take a hike. So in my opinion…WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME THAT WAY!?
Austin - Did you say you were gonna pick!?
Vince - I’M THE CHAIRMAN OF THE WWE AND I MAKE THE BIG DECISIONS!
Austin - I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE THE CHAIRMAN, YOU’RE WEARING THAT BULLSHIT SUIT AND I’M GONNA PICK THE WINNER, NOT YOU! DID I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!?
Vince - You wanna make a YOU KNOW WHAT out of yourself, go ahead? IF I WAS DOING THIS, I’D HAVE A DRUMROLL!
Austin - You’re a dumb sumbitch, but that’s a good idea.
Crowd - ANDY! ANDY! ANDY!
Austin - AND THE WINNER OF TOUGH ENOUGH, BECAUSE I SAID SO… BIG ANDY!
Austin - With your new employee, would you like to welcome this man aboard the WWE ship?
Vince - WELCOME TO THE WWE! (slaps him)
Austin - WELCOME TO THE WWE YOU SON OF A BITCH!
R-Truth - LITTLE JIMMY COME MARCHING HOME!
Vince - Let’s show everyone why you need to apologize.
Truth - THANK YOU MISTER MACMAN! I’m sorry to Big Jimmy, Little Jimmy. I’m sorry to the soda - it was refreshing! I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
Austin - You oughtta be sorry about dressing up like a damn jackass.
Truth - I did my homework. I know where I’M AT. I’M IN RICHMOND, VA! THE CAPITAL OF THE CONFEDERACY! This is where Davis, Lee, and a bunch of other inbred rednecks like all of you - DON’T BOO ME, YA SHOULD BE BOOING YASELVES! This is where they formed the confederate states of America.
Austin - THAT WAS 150 YEARS AGO, WHAT’S THAT GOT TO DO WITH TODAY!?
Truth - Nothing good ever came out of the South, but the confederacy had one good idea - secession! They secceeded from the U.S., so tonight, I’m seceding from the DUBYA DUBYA E UNIVERSE! I’ll keep the title match - but everything else, I don’t want. Ya won’t have R-Truth at push around no mo. NO FIGURES, NO SHIRTS, NO VIDEO GAMES, NO NOTHING. I BEEN A VICTIM OF A COMPANY-WIDE CONSPIRACY. AIN’T THAT RIGHT, MR MACMAN!
Vince - Lemme tell ya something R. That is your first name, correct?
Truth - Correct.
Vince - How do you spell that Arrrr!? Maybe you should’ve been a pirate instead of a rapper. You know my office hours 7 AM to midnight - 7 days a week. Conspiracy, huh…
Truth - C-O-N…
Vince - Well, you spelled secession!
Miz - Really!? REALLY!? YOU’VE GOT THE CHAIRMAN OUT HERE AND YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT YOUR MADE-UP CONSPIRACY!? IF IT WASN’T FOR MY IDIOTIC EX-PROTÉGÉ, ALEX RILEY, I WOULD STILL BE WWE CHAMPION! THE PAST 2 WEEKS OF CHEAP SHOTS FROM THAT NOBODY DOESN’T TAKE AWAY THE FACT THAT I’M THE MOST MUST-SEE CHAMPION IN WWE HISTORY! AND I KNOW AND EVERYONE ELSE KNOW STHAT I DESERVE ONE LAST TITLE MATCH!
Riley - Miz, the only thing you deserve is a third straight week of beatdowns! (Cena comes out)
Cena - WAIT, HOLD ON! I KNOW! A lot has happened, so I’ll give you a recap. Mr. McMahon is out of patience, Miz is out of excuses, Austin’s almost out of beer and R-Truth’s out of his mind. Miz, not only did you lose to me, but I made you say I Quit - repeatedly. I’m no GM, but you’ll not get a title shot. STOP THE JACKWAGON AND GET OVER YOURSELF. A-Ri, I don’t like you, or trust you, but you have showed that you have a set and hit this human piece of garbage in the face. I commend you. Truth…where do I start. Where did you get that? Nah, when I take this in…I see a guy who has it together. THERE’S NO WAY THAT NO ONE WHO LOOKS LIKE YOU HAS ANY SORT OF MENTAL ISSUE. TAKE THE RIDICULOUS OUTFIT OFF, YOU GOT YOUR MATCH IN D.C. AGAINST ME! KENTUCKY LONGRIFLE, WHAT IS THAT!? AN E-MAIL!
Cole - AND I QUOTE!
Vince - MICHAEL COLE, SHUT UP! I’VE GOT THIS ONE! This is a special Raw, how about for a main event, we see a tag match of Truth and Miz against Riley and CENA! And just one other thing - the referee is STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!
(after an atomic drop)Santino - THAT’S WHAT I THINK ABOUT YOU!
Cole - LAST SUPPER’S…Summer’s #1 show, Covert Affairs is back!
King - Raw’s the #1 show - that’s the number 1 NEW show.
Cole - The Bellas said that what we said was what everyone said, including JR - SHE’S A BIG GIRL AND CAN TAKE IT!
King - Let’s leave J.R. out of this - he didn’t mean what he said.
Cole - WWE HAS MORE THAN 30 MILLION FANS! On facebook.
Booker - I want you to have it…THE TRISHAROONI! NOW YA GOTTA GET DOWN ON ONE KNEE, PUT THE HAND UP, FEEL THE ELECTRICITY!
Swagger - Book you’re looking at me…but you’re not tough enough. I’M AN ALL-AMERICAN AMERICAN. If ya think ya still got it…
Booker -T ELL ME HE DIDN’T JUST SAY THAT!? I ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE! LEMME TELL YA SOMETHING, WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER, YOU WON’T BE DOING A VICTORY LAP, YOU’LL BE ASKING YOURSELF ONE QUESTION!?
Swagger - What?
Booker - CAN YOU DIG IT, SUCKA!?
(as Punk walks out and sits on the ramp)King - Punk gets tired quickly.
Punk - Last week, I defeated Rey. Bringing the grand total I’ve beaten him to well over 600, and he’s never beaten me, so he moaned, got his rematch, and I graciously granted him. AND I’LL DEFEANT HIM, NOT FOR MY OWN EGO, BUT TO PROVE THAT THE POWER OF MY NEW NEXUS IS UNYIELDING. Join me in dismantling Rey Mysterio!
Cole - To bring some JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY TO THIS SHOW, I’ll say that CM Punk hasn’t beaten Rey 600 times.
Cole - Mason Ryan’s a sponge - absorbing everything Punk is doing.
King - Imagine if President Obama had a press conference about Capital Punishment - and if he told the truth for once?
Truth - Mr. President, what if I told you I never got a title match because of a conspiracy?
Obama - You’d be irritated, and rightfully so.
Truth - LITTLE JIMMY GOT A BOAT, I DON’T GOT A BOAT, AND YOU’D PROBABLY TRY TO PUSH ME OUT THE BOAT!
Alberto - MY NAME IS ALBERTO DEL RIO! BUT OF COURSE, you already know that. There’s a word in America to describe what I’ve been hearing -t hat word is slander. The WWE Universe is saying I’m a hit and run coward. But people, for the last time, THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT! And if you don’t believe, here it is for you, AGAIN! See? ACCIDENT. That’s why I want the Big Show to come out right here, right now, so I can apologize to him! BIG SHOW!? YOU’RE AFRAID OF ME! C’mon, Big Show, it’s not like I’m gonna run you over with my car - see, it’s way, way back there!
Cole - HE SHRUNK!
King - You know who that goof is…
Cole - IT’S BIG SHOW!
Alberto - I’m glad you decided to show up. That was an accident, but aren’t the crutches too much!?
Ricardshow - AAAAGGHHHH!
Alberto - I said you were responsible for damaging my card, and this is your way to avoid paying for the damage.
Ricardshow - AGGGGHHH!
Alberto - So you want to settle? What’s in your mind?
Ricardshow - AGGGHHH!
Alberto - I LOVE IT. IF I GIVE YOU A DOZEN OF DONUTS, A LOT OF CANDIES, YOU’LL DROP THE CHARGES!? But my answer is no - you got what you deserved. Bad things happen to bad people…so I’m gonna give you advice - go home, lick your wounds, and never, ever disrespect me again. Oh, and one more thing - Big Show, don’t make me your enemy, because if you do, you WILL get hurt! And that’s not a threat - THAT’S A PROMISE, because remember, bad things happen to bad people!
Ricardo - ALBERTO DEL RIO! AALLLLBEERRRRRTOOOO DEELLLLLLL RRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Cole - Dolph, you tweeted @heelziggler today that you’d be doing commentary.
Dolph - And looking at this match with Long Island Iced Z - the Youtube sensation.
Dolph - I’d rather watch Spider-Man the Musical than look at Kofi’s trunks - they were obviously designed by a blind kid.
Cole - It’s Kofi against Zack Ziggler - LONG ISLAND ICED Z!
King - Vickie, you’re like Paris Hilton without the talent.
Vickie - King, you’re full of bitterness. How sad.
Dolph - Zack, between you tube shows, has been scouting Kofi.
Cole - What’s Z: The True Long Island story about?
Dolph - It’s just him living his life.
Dolph - SEND! TWEET! HEELZIGGLER!
King - YOU CAN’T TWEET YOURSELF TO VICTORY!
Dolph - King, you’d love it - they have twitter on computers now. It’s the newest thing.
(after chops)Cole - VINTAGE BOOKER T!
Crowd - WOOO!
Sign - Ebony and Ivory.
Cole - THE SPINAROONI IS GOOFY!
Cole - AUSTIN WAS AN ENTERTAINER HERE IN WWE AND SET RECORDS WITH PAY-PER-VIEW AND MERCHANDISE. UNLESS THIS MAN, THE MIZ, SUPPLANTS STONE COLD!
Cole - Alex Riley’s been nothing but a…SELFISH!
King - Truth came out here in a confederate uniform and looked like something out of F-Troop!
Crowd - LET’S GO RILEY!
Cole - AND I QUOTE! The referee has overstepped his authority! THEREFORE, JOHN CENA AND RILEY HAVE BEEN DISQUALIFIED! AND THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH ARE THE MIZ AND R-TRUTH! AND I QUOTE, MR. AUSTIN, BEFORE YOU DO SOMETHING YOU MIGHT REGRET, ON THE 3-HOUR WWE ALL STAR NIGHT, I’M APPOINTING YOU AS THE GUEST GM!
Austin - Now that you’ve got the official B.S. out of the way, if you want Stone Cold to be the GM next week, gimme a hell yeah! IF YER READY FOR RAW NEXT WEEK, GIMME A HELL YEAH! MICHAEL COLE, YA MEALY MOUTHED BASTARD, I’LL SEE YA NEXT WEEK ON RAW!