Cole - Tonight is VINTAGE RAW!
Cole - Here’s Mel Phillips - or Justin Roberts.
Gene - Tonight, Raw goes OLD SCHOOL.
Bob Orton - Gene, Randy’s not here yet. I think he didn’t know we were starting an hour early, but I talked to him on his cell, and he’ll be here shortly. I don’t care about John Cena’s career - if it ends, that’s fantastic. I don’t care if Randy gives Barrett the RKO then turns out and gives Cena the RKO.
Barrett - Listen carefully old man, your prediction about your son’s chances Is as phony as that cast on your warm. I’m gonna beat Randy Orton and become something you never were - WWE Champion. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t owe anything to the old school - I got here through my own hard work and Initiative. It’s going to come to fruition on Sunday when Cena raises my hand and awards me as WWE Champion. I want you healthy to see what I accomplish on Sunday. You too, Okerlund!
(Miz’s theme hits) Cole - FINALLY, SOME SANITY!
Miz - Really? It’s just that simple, is it? Last week, when I told Orton I’d be on his team, he didn’t thank you. He just stared me down with those squinty Orton eyes - like those. That was a bad move, because I changed the landscape of the main event, just like I can change the landscape of WWE by cashing in my contract. Maybe, just maybe, I might do It when Randy arrives here tonight. That would change things for you, Barrett, because then your match wouldn’t be for the WWE Title, and Cena will be in Nexus forever.
Cena - You manage to ruin everything you’re involved in - you’re not cashing anything in tonight. Wade, tonight, I’m gonna protect you. It’s not for you, it’s for me. Miz will cash in nothing tonight because I challenge him to a match right here tonight. The normal Miz is looking to Riley and complain, but Miz, If you’re as awesome as you say you are, accept!
Miz - I ACCEPT!
Gene - THERE YA HAVE IT, MIZ-CENA TONIGHT!
King - You can’t get anymore old school than Vickie.
Cole - I like our outfits - VINTAGE REGALIA!
Cole - Dolph reminds me of Rick Rude, who does Mark Henry remind you of?
King - Bruno Sammartino?
Cole - What!?
Crowd - CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE!
Cole - The refs are even wearing old school outfits - they look like Chippendales dancers.
DH - You know Tyson, my dad and the Dynamite Kid didn’t get along all the time, but. They still. Became one of the. best tag teams in history.
Kidd - Yes, I know. That’s why tonight, we’re going to out there and win.
Atlas - Ya know, that reminds me of me and Rocky Johnson. Sometimes, he’d want to go out in front of me, or behind, we’d go to the gym, he’d want to do pulldowns, I’d want to do squats. He thought I was strange, I don’t know why (uses WD40 on arms). Rocky loved his chicken. He took the skin off, I didn’t, I thought it was SKIN-A-LICIOUS! (goes to break)
(show comes back)Atlas - Sometimes, I’d take the interstate, he’d want to take the scenic routes. (Tatsu mimes suicide by stabbing himself with a sword)
Gene -Randy, I’m gonna ask you the same thing I asked your dad - do you think you’re gonna leave Survivor Series as WWE Champion?
Orton - Well... (Truth interrupts)
Gene - They selling these blazers yet? This one’s a peach.
Cole - There’s Harvey Wippleman - former Women’s champion.
King - That was Harvina - his sister.
Brawler - I EXPECTED A STANDING OVATION WHEN I CAME TO THE RING, AND I EXPECT ONE WHEN I WIN!
Harvey - THE KING OF OLD SCHOOL WANTS TO ISSUE A CHALLENGE TO ANYONE IN THE NEW SCHOOL!
(Zeke comes out)Cole - Brawler, welcome to 2011!
Cole - In 2011, Brawler’s In a match.
Cole - The mighty Brawler has struck out.
Cole - I’VE RECEIVED AN E-MAIL, AND I QUOTE!
King - This is old school - before laptops. Barrett, you will face R-Truth to show that you are worthy of being WWE Champion.
Harris - We got your back.
Barrett - I appreciate that, Husky.
Miz - You always think you’re one step ahead of me, don’t you Cena? You’re thinking if you take me out now, then I can’t take out Orton and your precious Free or Fired match is on, but there’s one thing you’re forgetting - THE GM DIDN’T SANCTION THIS MATCH, YOU DID! So if the GM doesn’t have a problem with it, I can make a substitution! TAKING MY PLACE IS MY APPRENTICE, ALEX RILEY. YOU WANNA FACE ME CENA!? You’ll have to wait until ‘Mania AFTER I BECOME WWE CHAMPION, BECAUSE I’M THE MIZ AND I’M AWESOME!
King - How can you call yourself the voice of WWE after hearing the likes of the Fink and Mean Gene?
Cole - I’m a visionary!
Cole - Cole Miners, I did mis-speak a bit during the Ezekiel Jackson match - it’s 2010, not 2011.
King - Things have gone awry for A-Ri!
Cole - AND I QUOTE - It’s obvious that Cena and Orton have issues they need to work out prior to Survivor Series. Since this is old school, I think it’s appropriate that you are both guests on PIPER’S PIT!
King - Volkoff’s held up as well as Keith Richards.
Cole - Since they’re not communists anymore, we don’t have to boo anymore, right?
Santino - Please excuse me, I apologize for interrupting, but my tag team partner would love to sing the Russian national anthem with you. TAKE IT AWAY!
Santino - That was…CRUSHINGLY TERRIBLE.
Sheiky - HULK HOGAN. HULKAMANIA. IRON SHEIK!
Sheiky - EVERYBODY KNOW WITHOUT IRON SHEIK, THERE WOULD BE NO HULKAMANIA. PLEASE DON’T SAY USA USA, RUSSIAN NUMBAH VUN! SHUT UP! RUSSIA, NUMBAH VUN!
Cole - This is a very important matchup - Santino and Kozlov versus the Usos.
Cole - Jake the Snake had his snake, and Santino has his Cobra. I have my Cole Miners.
King - It’s a movement, right?
Cole - Yeah.
King - Most movements have to be flushed.
Cole - Kozlov uses every part of his weapon…as a weapon. Body...
King - There ya go.
Santino - KOZLOV! KOZLOV! ALMOST! PUSH!
Cole - THE COBRA STRIKES!
Morrison - You know why I keep doing this? CUZ YOU’RE A BULLY. You keep looking to fight In all the wrong places - I’M RIGHT HERE. LET’S GO!
Cole - LOOK WHO IS OTUNGA’S OPPONENT IS! CONTROLLED FRENZY, KOFI KINGSTON!
Cole - VINTAGE GEORGE STEELE!
Arn - Sheamus, that’s enough!
Sheamus - When he wakes up, let him know I accept his challenge - for Survivor Series.
Duggan - HOOO!
Aksana - What’d you call me?
Duggan - Nothing, sweetheart. Your mother’s over there.
Goldust - Give me some DASHING grooming tips.
Cody - Don’t breathe on me.
Goldust - HELP A BROTHA OUT!
Dusty - Man, I raised some weird kids!
Cole - GET CRUNK!
Cole - CRUNK! JUNK! IT’S JUNK! IT STUNK! THAT STUNK!
King - Barrett’s nose has been broken more times than the Ten Commandments.
Tito - ALBERTO DEL RIO! ARIBA!
King - Who’s driving him?
Cole - CHAVO CLASSIC! He was once the oldest cruiserweight champion.
King - You’re jealous of his car - your anti-theft device is Its look.
Cole - The wink thing Is cool.
Alberto - Gracias HALL OF FAMER TITO and Chavo Classic. My name is Alberto Del Rio, but you, YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT. Hershey, the home of stockoate! THAT’S FAT AMERICANS! I’M IN DA HEART OF DA NATION. A heart that soon will be stuffed by cholesterol and obesity! Anyway, I know we’re here because we should be celebrating the old school. I think all the legends should follow Tito and Chavo’s example and SHOW RESPECT TO ME!
Cole - An honest and nice request.
King - I hope Sarge calls him a maggot.
Sarge - SHUT YER HOLE, PUKE AND LISTEN UP! There’s two things you don’t mess with - legends and America! You want us to pay you respect? YOU EARN BY FACING ME RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, YOU SCUM, YOU SLIME, YOU MAGGOT!
King - THERE IT IS!
Alberto - Bring it!
Crowd - MVP! MVP! MVP!
King - Back in the day, we had these metal railings.
Cole - And you swam across the ocean to get your Superstars bars.
King - I did that a couple of times.
King - Mae Young doesn’t have an enemy - she’s outlived them all.
Layla - I brought my fossil brush!
McCool - Let’s show some love for someone old enough to be Betty White’s grandmother!
Mae - GIVE ME A MATCH WITH THESE SLUTS! YOU LITTLE BITCHES, LET’S GO!
Cole - Who invited you here? YOU’RE NOT EVEN GONNA SHAKE MY HAND!
JR - Hi Michael.
JR - I don’t see anything boring about Daniel Bryan. He’s a great submission wrestler. Anyone with any intelligence can see that.
JR - Both these men love submissions - Swagger with the ankle lock, Daniel with the LeBelle Lock.
King - Daniel’s like a modern-day Bob Backlund.
Cole - YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT I’M THE VOICE OF WWE, RIGHT!?
JR - Near fall!!
Cole - You guys did the XFL together - no wonder that league went out of business.
JR - Daniel Bryan wrestled around the world to get to WWE - he wasn’t a blue-chipper from Oklahoma like Swagger.
Cole - My voice is now in the signature opening - THIS IS E-LECTRIC!
Cole - J.R., we haven’t heard government mule, slobber knocker, or stomping a mudhole yet...
Cole - The Genius hasn’t come out to give us a poem.
King - Cole, how about a little less talk and a little more shut the hell up.
Cole - How’s the BBQ sauce doing for ya?
JR - Very well - jrsbarbq.com
Cole - It’s like swallowing a hairball.
Cole - THAT’S TED DIBIASE!
JR - Fine observasion.
Cole - Ted said he didn’t want that belt. SORRY, CHAMPIONSHIP!
JR - Great seeing you again, King.
Chavo Classic - EDDIE!
Piper - Holy cow - how cool are you? Ya know...
Crowd - RODDY! RODDY!
Piper - LET’S MAKE SOME HISTORY! OLD-SCHOOL, TO ME, IT’S NOT ABOUT NOSTALGIA, it’s not about a happy-feeling time. It’s about a time when you had to man up! A time when you had to stand up to the plate, like when Captain Lou was being honored and I smashed him in the face with a gold record! Jimmy Snuka! Snuka became a hot shot, and I hit him in the head with a co-co-nut! It was a time if you had a problem, you did something about it! AND THAT’S WHAT I HOPE TO ACCOMPLISH TONIGHT! MY FIRST GUEST IN THE PIPE TONIGHT, MR. JOHN CENA! I’ve been competing over 30 years, and I’ve never been WWE Champion. It does eat at me a bit. Many others, Ted. Sr., Ricky Steamboat, Jimmy Snuka, Mr. Perfect never, ever became the WWE Champion. And If you’re gonna do what I think you’re gonna do, and you’re gonna give that SOB WADE BARRETT THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP WITHOUT HIM DESERVING IT, Then what you’re doing is spitting in the face of all those legends that you say you respect. AND I’M ASKING YOU don’t you spit In my face, John Cena. You’ve been a man ever since you’ve come, from the first day you walked in. CONSEQUENCES BE DAMNED, do the right thing.
Cena - The right thing?
Piper - The right thing!
Cena - FREE OR FIRED - Free from Nexus, or fired from WWE. It’s not that easy. LISTEN, for one second. From the moment I got here, I’ve worked as hard as I have to have guys like you say he could’ve hung with us! I looked up to you guys as a kid - you were my heroes! If I hand over a championship, I won’t be one of us - I’ll be a guy that gave him a title. YER DAMN RIGHT. I’ll let the cat out of the bag - if Orton wins, he earns. If Barrett wins, he earns it. I’M GONNA CALL THE MATCH DOWN THE MIDDLE!
Barrett - WELL-SAID. BRAVO! I AGREE WITH YOU, JUST CALL IT DOWN THE MIDDLE. I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP AT ALL. I CAN BEAT ANYONE ON THE RAW ROSTER WITHOUT YOUR HELP. THOSE WERE MAGNIFICENT WORDS - BUT THAT’S THE PROBLEM - THEY’RE JUST WORDS. You and I both know there’s a reality in place here. There’s a reality you’ve got to face - if I don’t win, YOU ARE HISTORY. NO MORE WRESTLEMANIA MOMENTS, NO MORE CENATION, NONE OF THAT. It’s all over for you.
Piper - SHUT UP. IF YOU LET JOHN CENA GIVE YOU THAT WWE CHAMPIONSHIP, AND LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU! AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU MAY HAVE THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP, BUT YOU WON’T BE NO CHAMPION. YOU’LL JUST BE A JOKE!
Barrett - WHO ON EARTH ARE YOU TO CAST JUDGMENT ON ME!? HERE’S SOMETHING I REALIZED EARLIER TODAY - ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, THIS IS JOHN’S LAST NIGHT ON RAW AS PART OF NEXUS. IT MIGHT BE HIS LAST RAW FULL-STOP. ON SUNDAY, I EITHER SET YOU FREE, OR I FIRE YOU. Cena, if this is Indeed your final Raw as a member of Nexus, I’m going to do something I should have done before. (brings out Nexus shirt) PUT IT ON! TAKE THAT MONSTROSITY YOU’RE WEARING OFF AND PUT MINE ON. AND IF YOU DON’T PUT IT ON NOW, I’LL FIRE YOU ON THE SPOT!
Orton - Ever since you counted 1-2-3 on me, all I’ve thought about is ending this with a kick to the skull.
Cena - What’s stopping you?
Orton - Nothing - I’ve thought of a better option. I COULD take you out, or…(hits Barrett with mic)