Anderson - Let’s get this out of the way. Are there any Creatures here? Then please let me introduce your leader - Jeffrey Nero Hardy! Jeff, uh…last week…I hit you in the back with a folding chair. From behind. When you weren’t looking. But Jeff, look me in the yes and know that I didn’t do it on purpose. Do you know why I know that you know? Because if it had been on purpose, I’D TELL YA ABOUT IT. I’D TELL THE WHOLE FREAKIN’ WORLD ABOUT IT! Do you know why I’d be proud? BECAUSE I’M AN ASSHOLE. In fact, I think that the world would be a better place if there were more assholes in it. Case in point,t he Impact Zone - it’s filled to the brim with assholes! So, so, I got a solution here. I’m gonna bring the chair to the ring tonight. We have a match. Yeah, and I’m gonna bring this, and Jeff, if I use it, you know that you got a problem with me. If you decide to use it on me, I mighta had it coming. Arguable. But. I will in fact know that I have a problem with you.
Taz - What’s he talking about?
Hardy - Every time I get hit with a chair, I question the person that swung it.
Tenay - Ric Flair’s new group is modeled after the Four Horsemen and is called Fortune. AND THE FOUR HORSEMEN WAS THE BEST FACTION IN THE HISTORY OF WRESTLING.
Taz - AJ’s getting fustrated.
Taz - The TNA fans are in favor of the man to hold the TNA Title longer than anyone in the history of TNA Championships.
Flair - HEY! HEY! COME ON. STOP IT. LET’S GO! KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT FAT BOY, YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET YOUR ASS KICKED. YOU AND YOU. YOU’RE TWO FO THE BEST WRESTLERS ALIVE. QUIT DICKING AROUND. YOU WANNA BE PART OF THIS? GET UNITED. Come here. THESE PUNKS WON’T DIVIDE US. THEY’VE ALREADY ADMITTED THEY’RE NOTHING BUT ASSHOLES. YOU GUYS ARE SPECIAL BREEDS OF MEN, AND AT VICTORY ROAD, I’VE ARRANGED A MATCH FOR YOU TWO AT VICTORY ROAD. BUT I’M NOT GONNA TELL YOU AGAINST WHO. You’d better win, or you won’t be happy campers. SHUT UP FAT BOY. You, you I’ll see in the hotel!
(as Angelina is shown topless from behind in the back)Tenay - Check this out.
Taz - I have no problem doing that.
Taz - Zombie hot is zombie nuts.
Rayne - What are you putting on the line on Sunday? Your fake fun bags?
Tenay - That’s an option!
Rayne - How about your fake hair weave? Or…YOUR CAREER. I’m putting my title on the line.
Love - So you want me to put my career on the line, ey?
Rayne - Yeah, ey.
Love - Madison, there’s one thing. I figured you’d pull something like this, so I had a meeting earlier with the championship committee, and there’s gonna be one special stipulation in our match. If Lacey or Velvet get involved, YOU’RE GONNA BE DQED ON THE SPOT AND I’LL BE HANDED THE NTA KNOCKOUTS CHAMPIONSHIP!
Devon - For the past few weeks, things have gotten out of control, so what I’m gonna ask is for my brother to come out here so we can straighten this out right here and right now. So you’re gonna stand there? Fine. Lemme ask you a question bro? I don’t get it. We sat here and trained this guy. Trained him just like we were trained. We gave him every bit of knowledge we knew. You were the one who interviewed him when he came to the school. He was the first person in, and the last to leave. He showed respect to you and me, to the school. He had respect since day one. He’s been through hell before us. He was in the Navy, helped serve this country! And then, as he’s working, unfortunately, his ship got blown up by some terrorists! And in the process, his friend, his best friend, who guided him through the Navy died in the blast! HE WAS THE ONE WHO HAD TO HELP PUT THE BODY IN THE BODY BAG, SO YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT RESPECT, THAT’S RESPECT RIGHT THERE! HE WAS THE ONE CARRYING THE CASKET, WHO HAD TO SAY GOODBYE TO HIS FRIEND. SO I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM WITH JESSE!?
Ray - First of all, I don’t answer to you. I’m Brother Ray - the leader of Team 3D. You answer to me!
Taz - Here we go.
Devon - Ya know what..
Ray - SHUT UP. My problem is with him. He’s nothing but a disrespectful punk, and now, my problem is wht you since you’re a disrespectful partner. WHERE’ YOUR LOYALTY TO YOUR BROTHER WHO MADE YOU WHO YOU ARE TODAY?!
Devon - Don’t question my loyalty.
Ray - Gimme an answer!
Devon - My loyalty is to both of ya! I DON’T PICK SIDES. I NEVER HAVE AND I NEVER WILL.
Ray - Bad news. Things are gonna get worse. I just spoke with Bischoff, at Victory Road, the match is me versus Jesse. Versus YOU! 3 Way dance. We’re gonna see how loyal you are, and after Victory Road, 23 world tag titles will either continue on into glory or fade away that night!
Tenay - IT’S THE FIRST-EVER MEETING OF RVD AND SAMOA JOE IN THE FIRST HOUR OF IMPACT!
(as the ECW 4 come out)Tenay - Taz, ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME YOU REALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT THESE GUYS ARE DOING HERE?!
Taz - What? Again? No. I don’t.
Tenay - WHY ARE YOU GETTING SO DEFENSIVE?
Taz - I’m not being defensive, I’m just sick of being asked week after week.
Tenay - WASN’T DREAMER THE BEST MAN AT YOUR WEDDING.
Taz - Yeah. Over a decade ago. If I was getting married now, he wouldn’t be.
Taz - That was a hell of a match right there. And on free TV to boot.
Angle - Pressure makes me what I do best - wrestle.
Taz - Remember last week when Douglas was out here on commentary and he was upset about the ladder match and TNA being against him, yada yada, yada?
Tenay - Yeah.
Taz - Well, just between you and me, after the show, he told me that he’s afraid of heights.
Taz - Leapfrog by the lavender-wearing Buck.
Tenay - That’s bad for him.
Taz - Yeah, don’t tell him I told you. Not about the ladder match, but the heights thing.
Taz - Can we get a bigger red X?
Taz - Why’s he got the fear of heights? Think it’s the England thing? You know, they have flats there - no steps!
Tenay - Remember Kendrick’s CAMEL CLUTCH submission?
Taz - Do the hustle and get the big X, Buck!
(as he scowls)Taz - Look at Doug’s face! Oh, well that’s how he always looks.
Taz - Buck’s like Spider-Man.
Taz - What a great night of wrestling we’ve had tonight, and we’ve still got Hardy-Anderson!
Fan - HAIL SABIN!
Taz - TV doesn’t do Morgan justice. He’s huge. He even makes me look short when I stand next to him.
Tenay - Ref didn’t see the tag, BUT HE HEARD THE CLAP.
Taz - Ref’s only got two heads. Two eyes. What the hell!?
Tenay - READY FOR SLICED BREAD!?
(it’s foiled)Taz - Little bit of green mold on it.
Pope - Anderson’s the reason Pope ain’t cleared right now. I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him.
Nash - I guess I gotta give Bischoff a kiss on the rump to keep my job. Before Scott and I jumped to WCW, he went with the Dungeon of Doom! KEVIN, MY SOOOONNNN!
Hogan - You tried to get Hall and X-Pac in.
Nash - So? You got the Nasty Boys in!
Hogan - That was different. I gave them a shot straight-up, it didn’t work out. You tried to get your guys in through the backdoor.
Lethal - I was overwhelmed a couple weeks ago when Hulk made the match between me and Flair, but that great feeling was taken away when I was forced to watch my younger brother get beaten up by Ric Flair? CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT!? Having your childhood hero beat up your flesh and blood? It tears your heart out, and at Victory Road, Ric, THAT’S WHAT I’M GONNA DO TO YOU. Now even though the greatest part of my life is in a week, my mind’s on my mother. She’s ill, and I want you know some things. Mom, I love you very much. I also wanna let you know that I plan on making you the proudest mother in the world when I defeat Ric Flair at Victory Road. Even though you’re a thousand miles away, you’ll always be right here in my heart standing next to me. (Flair comes out)
Flair - I could give a rat’s ass about your mother! As a matter of fact, truth be known, your old lady is living vicariously through you cuz she wants me! DON’T BE STALKING ME, BROTHER. YOU GOT THREE DAYS. I’M GONNA TELL IT LIKE IT IS - YOU’RE TALKING TO RIC BY GOD FLAIR. FORGET ABOUT BEING THE GREATEST OF ALL, I AM RIC BY GOD FLAIR! KNOW WHERE MY ROBE IS? IT’S IN THE SMITHSONIAN - THAT’S FOR DEAD PEOPLE OR PEOPLE WHO ARE REAL FAMOUS. YOUR MOM AND DAD LOVE YA, AND MINE PUT ME OUT AT 15 AND I’VE BEEN LIMO RIDING EVER SINCE. I’VE BEEN TO SHRINKS, AND BY THE END OF THE HOUR, THEY’RE IN THE GOD DARN BED. I GOT AN EX-WIFE WALKING AROUND ASKING WHERE IS HE? WHERE’S THE NAITCH!? You dress like a street punk from Jersey - you don’t deserve in my world, let alone In my ring! BACK UP, BOY! BACK UP! BACK UP! YOU GOT THREE DAYS AND YOU’RE GONNA THINK ABOUT IT. RIGHT NOW, I’M IN YOUR HEAD. YOU GOTTA BEAT FLAIR! I’M NOT HUMAN, I’M A GOD! ANY WOMAN I WANT, JUST LIKE THAT - right baby? YOU GOTTA WRSTLE ME. ME! RIC FLAIR! THINK ABOUT IT! A WRESTLING ICON! NO? A LIVING, BREATHING, MACHINE! THERE ARE HOSPITALS AROUND THE WORLD THAT WANT ME TO DONATE MY BODY PARTS TO SEE WHAT MAKES ME GO!
Lethal - I may help ‘em!
Flair - I’VE BEEN CUT, IN A PLANE CRASH, AND HIT BY LIGHTNING. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO!? IN THREE DAYS, YOU’RE GONNA LOOK YOUR GOD IN THE EYES AND GET YOUR ASS HANDED TO YOU! THREE DAYS! THREE DAYS! GOD! WOOO!
Anderson - WE CALL TO ORDER THIS SESSION OF ASSHOLES ANONYMOUS! I AM YOUR SPONSER - MISTER ANDERSON. Wait for it. ANDERSON.
Tenay - THERE’S NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT IN PRO WRESTLING THAN THE TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE!
Taz - Jeff Hardy’s a bizarre fellow.
(as Anderson goes up for the Kenton)Taz - He’s stealing a book out of Hardy’s book. Or a page I should say.
Taz - Abyss calls the board his girl.
Tenay - HIS GIRL!?
Taz - Yeah, it’s a little weird.
Taz - THE MONSTER’S NOT DONE YET! (show goes off the air)