The Saddest Story Ever Told

VanillaGorilla

VanillaGorilla

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I am sitting in the Arby's parking lot, about to consume my 5 for $5.95, when I glance across the parking lot, maybe 3 or 4 spaces across, and I see a very attractive young lady, also sitting in her car, also getting ready to feast on some delicious Arby's. Now, it's kinda tricky, judging women by just their torso, since they could always get out of their car, and have a backside that looks like one of those giant Pogo Balls you used to bounce on as a kid. But, at this point, I'm lucky enough to even get a glance from a lady. And this time, I got it. It probably didn't help that the lower quadrant of my face was covered in a mixture of Arby's Sauce and Cheddar Cheese, but she looked none the less.

So, you're probably asking yourself "VG, you probably opened up the door of your McLaren F1, strolled over to that fine young lady, and put on your best moves, right?" Well, kinda. I grabbed a couple napkins out of the glovebox of my 1994 Ford Taurus, whiped off my face, and shot her the old "I'm desperate" look. Strell knows the look, ask him for the specifics. Anyways, at this point, I'm thinking "Maybe she'll come on over, ask me for some sauce, and we'll hit it off. Every great couple has a story about how they met, and this could be mine!" So, I shot her the look, and her face lights up. Ok, "lights up" doesn't really describe it well, it was more like "shrivels up". She looks as if she just walked in on her mother bending over and taking it from Sasquatch. As she tears out of the parking lot, trail of exhaust left behind, I can't help but wonder where I went wrong? Was it the piece of Roast Beef stuck between my teeth, which I found much later, or maybe it was my "You can't have Sodomy without Me" bumpersticker? All I know is that I lost the love of my life today, and not even the embrace of an Arby's Melt could warm my chilled heart.
 
[quote name='VanillaGorilla']at this point, I'm thinking "Maybe she'll come on over, ask me for some sauce"[/quote]
:rofl: That's how every guy aims to pick up a gal, dude.
 
[quote name='Fire']:rofl: What happened to the demolition derby and the monster movies?[/quote]Those would have been the 2 places we would have gone for our first dates. Chicks love demo derby's.
 
[quote name='TimPV3']Where can I obtain such a bumper sticker?[/quote]I print them out of my garage/dungeon. Slide me an e-mail if you want one.
 
[quote name='VanillaGorilla']I am sitting in the Arby's parking lot, about to consume my 5 for $5.95, when I glance across the parking lot, maybe 3 or 4 spaces across, and I see a very attractive young lady, also sitting in her car, also getting ready to feast on some delicious Arby's. Now, it's kinda tricky, judging women by just their torso, since they could always get out of their car, and have a backside that looks like one of those giant Pogo Balls you used to bounce on as a kid. But, at this point, I'm lucky enough to even get a glance from a lady. And this time, I got it. It probably didn't help that the lower quadrant of my face was covered in a mixture of Arby's Sauce and Cheddar Cheese, but she looked none the less.

So, you're probably asking yourself "VG, you probably opened up the door of your McLaren F1, strolled over to that fine young lady, and put on your best moves, right?" Well, kinda. I grabbed a couple napkins out of the glovebox of my 1994 Ford Taurus, whiped off my face, and shot her the old "I'm desperate" look. Strell knows the look, ask him for the specifics. Anyways, at this point, I'm thinking "Maybe she'll come on over, ask me for some sauce, and we'll hit it off. Every great couple has a story about how they met, and this could be mine!" So, I shot her the look, and her face lights up. Ok, "lights up" doesn't really describe it well, it was more like "shrivels up". She looks as if she just walked in on her mother bending over and taking it from Sasquatch. As she tears out of the parking lot, trail of exhaust left behind, I can't help but wonder where I went wrong? Was it the piece of Roast Beef stuck between my teeth, which I found much later, or maybe it was my "You can't have Sodomy without Me" bumpersticker? All I know is that I lost the love of my life today, and not even the embrace of an Arby's Melt could warm my chilled heart.[/QUOTE]
It's not true love, or else you would've stopped masturbating...
 
[quote name='WhipSmartBanky']It's not true love, or else you would've stopped masturbating...[/quote]Kinda hard to thrash when you've got an Arby's Melt in one hand, and an order of Curly Fries in the other. If there was a way to do it without using your hands, I would have figured it out by now (believe me, I've tried).
 
[quote name='VanillaGorilla']Kinda hard to thrash when you've got an Arby's Melt in one hand, and an order of Curly Fries in the other. If there was a way to do it without using your hands, I would have figured it out by now (believe me, I've tried).[/QUOTE]
They're CURLY for a reason. Put it together, Einstein...
 
Whats with all these freaking love topics lately....CAGS ARE BIG NERDS! :lol: (not cause they like girls but because they have freaking soap operas cause they can't get them)
 
[quote name='VanillaGorilla']Kinda hard to thrash when you've got an Arby's Melt in one hand, and an order of Curly Fries in the other. If there was a way to do it without using your hands, I would have figured it out by now (believe me, I've tried).[/quote]
That Arby's melt is an alternative. ;)

"...is that... cheese on your dick?!"
 
[quote name='VanillaGorilla']Kinda hard to thrash when you've got an Arby's Melt in one hand, and an order of Curly Fries in the other. If there was a way to do it without using your hands, I would have figured it out by now (believe me, I've tried).[/QUOTE]

...but, you didn't ORDER fries.

0_0
 
[quote name='Spades22']Whats with all these freaking love topics lately....CAGS ARE BIG NERDS! :lol: (not cause they like girls but because they have freaking soap operas cause they can't get them)[/quote]That's true. Everytime I try to bag a woman, some shirtless Latin guy shows up and sweeps her away. And sometimes, I fall for a chick, and a month later, she tells me she's really a mermaid.
 
[quote name='VanillaGorilla']Kinda hard to thrash when you've got an Arby's Melt in one hand, and an order of Curly Fries in the other. If there was a way to do it without using your hands, I would have figured it out by now (believe me, I've tried).[/quote]

Monkey Style. Turn you big toes into opposable big toes.
 
[quote name='sblymnlcrymnl']I think it was this right here: :lol:[/quote]

That is f*cking sad. I can't find any arby's by me that still do the 5 for $5.95, or even the 4 for $5. DAMN YOU ARBY'S!!!
 
[quote name='WhipSmartBanky']It's not true love, or else you would've stopped masturbating...[/QUOTE]

Crap. You beat me to it. (There's a pun in there somewhere...)
 
[quote name='Zenithian Legend']That is f*cking sad. I can't find any arby's by me that still do the 5 for $5.95, or even the 4 for $5. DAMN YOU ARBY'S!!![/QUOTE]

I think they usually have both the 5 for $5.95 regulars and the 5 for $5 melts deals here.

But the most important question is:

"How can you kill a man after bringing him delicious, piping-hot Arby's?"
 
[quote name='Saucy Jack']I think they usually have both the 5 for $5.95 regulars and the 5 for $5 melts deals here.

But the most important question is:

"How can you kill a man after bringing him delicious, piping-hot Arby's?"[/quote]With a "hot beef injection"?
 
[quote name='ITDEFX']omfg :p

this thread is worthless without a pic, but of course she she drove off , we will never know :)[/quote]Imagine a cross between Reese Witherspoon, and Camryn Manheim.
 
[quote name='VanillaGorilla']Imagine a cross between Reese Witherspoon, and Camryn Manheim. [/QUOTE]

oh my god.......... VG what the hell are you trying to do blind us?!?!?

manheimbook.jpg
 
If you could just track her down..... you could then ask her friend if she is single and if not, just send her flowers on Sweetist Day. Works every time, just ask the Don.
 
[quote name='ITDEFX']oh my god.......... VG what the hell are you trying to do blind us?!?!?

manheimbook.jpg
[/quote]

I was about to go to lunch. Somehow, I've now lost my appetite.

Great thread, nonethless.:applause:
 
[quote name='Eviltude']Can we have a "Best Satyrical Thread of 2006" topic? If so, the nominee's are...[/quote]Now, I know everyone thinks of VG as a sexual dynamo, but this thread is far more satirical than satyrical.
 
[quote name='sblymnlcrymnl']I think it was this right here: :lol:[/QUOTE]

Well, you stole me thunder right there.

There are many circumstances that prevent sexual/relationship conquest from happening. One cannot engage a would-be partner when taking a dump (I'm not talking logistics, I'm merely saying that you wouldn't want to do it), and, likewise, when you're about to dig into that THIRD roast beef sammich, with the intent to put away two more, romance is almost as far off the radar as health is.

EDIT: oh, and:
manheimbook.jpg

MANHEIM STEAMROLLER!!!!!


(it had to be done)
 
Just to clear something up, the 5 for $5.95 is more than just Arby's Melts. I got 3 Arby's Melts, a Regular Curly Fries, and a Regular Mozzarella sticks. The trick is to bring a beverage from home, so you don't waste one of your choices on a medium soda.
 
[quote name='prmononoke']Anyone care to explain the "I'm desperate" look?[/quote]

Here it is:

Put Video camera on stand, press record, place face in front of it, poke both of your eyes simultaneously.
 
[quote name='prmononoke']Anyone care to explain the "I'm desperate" look?[/QUOTE]


it seems self explanitory after reading the story... imagine your a girl.. you look over and see a fat guy sittin in his car crammin arby's in his face, then he looks over at you with bbq sauce on his face and smiles at you or some shit in a kind of "hey i'm a fat loser eatin arby's in my car, your a fat loser woman eating arby's in your car, i want you" way.. thats personified desperation
 
[quote name='VanillaGorilla']Just to clear something up, the 5 for $5.95 is more than just Arby's Melts. I got 3 Arby's Melts, a Regular Curly Fries, and a Regular Mozzarella sticks. The trick is to bring a beverage from home, so you don't waste one of your choices on a medium soda.[/QUOTE]

You should have used that as your opening line.
 
[quote name='VanillaGorilla']Just to clear something up, the 5 for $5.95 is more than just Arby's Melts. I got 3 Arby's Melts, a Regular Curly Fries, and a Regular Mozzarella sticks. The trick is to bring a beverage from home, so you don't waste one of your choices on a medium soda.[/quote]

What if you want a mocha shake, hoooooooo!
 
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