VanillaGorilla
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I've been hearing a lot lately about waterboarding, the new hip new trend in the cutting edge world of torture and interrogation. Here is the definition of Waterboarding, according to Wikipedia (which is never wrong, mind you).
"Waterboarding consists of immobilizing an individual and pouring water over his face to simulate drowning, which produces a severe gag reflex, making the subject believe his death is imminent while ideally not causing permanent physical damage."
That's it!? THAT is waterboarding? What makes that any different from getting a nose full of water in the pool, or falling asleep in the bathtub while watching Thelma and Louise? As someone who has first hand experience with that whole "drowning" feeling, I can safely say it's overrated. When it comes to "feelings of your impending death", I much prefer the drowning feeling to something like, narrowly avoiding a 300 foot fall into a river, or eating a Monster Thickburger from Hardee's and struggling to breath for the next 3 hours. These terrorists are getting off light, waterboarding is nothing but a forced shower, and most of those guys could use a nice bath anyways.
And that brings me to another point. They just don't make terrorists like they used to. Remember back in the 80's, when terrorists would spit in their torturers face, and take days worth of painful, genital-related torture sessions, and never give them a single shred of useful information? Now you've got guys like Khalid Shiek Mohammad, who will tell you everything you need to know if you give him a basic titty twister. The problem is, terrorists don't have any badass, "Mans Man" rolemodels to look up to. Who do they have, Osama bin Laden? Have you seen him lately? He's a twig! He looks like an Arab version of Jesse Camp. These terrorists should stop wasting their time on the monkeybars and tire courses at their local Training Camps, and start getting into torture shape. You need to build up your pain tolerance. And if the main draw of waterboarding is that feeling of impending death, why are they so quick to submit? They don't mind strapping themselves to the tits with dynamite and blowing their limbs across the desert, but a mouthful of water makes them cave in?
After thinking about this whole thing, I think I just figured it all out. I know how we can win the war in Iraq. If these terrorists are so afraid of getting wet, the simple solution is this; arm all American soldiers with these:
"Waterboarding consists of immobilizing an individual and pouring water over his face to simulate drowning, which produces a severe gag reflex, making the subject believe his death is imminent while ideally not causing permanent physical damage."
That's it!? THAT is waterboarding? What makes that any different from getting a nose full of water in the pool, or falling asleep in the bathtub while watching Thelma and Louise? As someone who has first hand experience with that whole "drowning" feeling, I can safely say it's overrated. When it comes to "feelings of your impending death", I much prefer the drowning feeling to something like, narrowly avoiding a 300 foot fall into a river, or eating a Monster Thickburger from Hardee's and struggling to breath for the next 3 hours. These terrorists are getting off light, waterboarding is nothing but a forced shower, and most of those guys could use a nice bath anyways.
And that brings me to another point. They just don't make terrorists like they used to. Remember back in the 80's, when terrorists would spit in their torturers face, and take days worth of painful, genital-related torture sessions, and never give them a single shred of useful information? Now you've got guys like Khalid Shiek Mohammad, who will tell you everything you need to know if you give him a basic titty twister. The problem is, terrorists don't have any badass, "Mans Man" rolemodels to look up to. Who do they have, Osama bin Laden? Have you seen him lately? He's a twig! He looks like an Arab version of Jesse Camp. These terrorists should stop wasting their time on the monkeybars and tire courses at their local Training Camps, and start getting into torture shape. You need to build up your pain tolerance. And if the main draw of waterboarding is that feeling of impending death, why are they so quick to submit? They don't mind strapping themselves to the tits with dynamite and blowing their limbs across the desert, but a mouthful of water makes them cave in?
After thinking about this whole thing, I think I just figured it all out. I know how we can win the war in Iraq. If these terrorists are so afraid of getting wet, the simple solution is this; arm all American soldiers with these:
you.
k
ing up (severely) one experiment.
