What should I do?

[quote name='Jkmetal'] I don't even know how to make friends or how to keep them.[/QUOTE]
I'm a professional bridge burner. Shitty friends disappear quickly 'round these parts.
 
You said you enjoy riding your bike? If you have any bike trails around you hit those sometimes you'll just wind up having random conversations even if you are an introvert. Most campuses tend to have clubs for biking, at least all the ones I've been to (a whole 2 of em). But definitely get involved even if it's just little steps at first. Get therapy, it helps.
 
I can't believe I didn't catch this thread sooner, but you seem like my twin to be honest. Although I'm 6 years older and I'm a super senior in college (switched majors too many times and had difficulty with senior design).

I'm going to slightly alter what I said myself in a blog post once (over a year ago), and this still holds true (You can ignore the drinking paragraph and skip to the second paragraph):

My biggest problem I have is being around people. I have very little motivation to go out and meet people. People always tell me I need to go out to a bar once, since I’m 25. Well, I never want to go to a bar because it just seems very boring to me. Personally, I just find playing a video game in my “comfort zone” to be more enjoyable and comfortable then being around a bunch of strangers, especially drunk strangers, disgusting. That also leads to another thing I don’t drink, never have, and never had the interest to do it. Part of the reason could be I never want to get addicted to it. The biggest reason probably has to do with my parents probably not approving of it. Being abused as a kid before has made me very cautious about doing anything my parents would not approve. And then oh course, I just don't have a lot of money to waste.

Another problem I have is friends. If anyone wants to know, I have never seen a movie with anyone in 10 years. Part of the reason has to do with no one ever bothering to ask a loser like myself, and the other reason has to do with rejecting people a few times. Most of the rejections came from me not having much money (I hate to borrow any money from people) or just being a little busy with school. Having no transportation hurts me at times. Also, I don’t want to be a burden on people and have them take me. I’m also not too good around groups of people. When I’m around a group, even if they’re people I know, I get very shy, quiet, or if I say something, I say something very stupid. I do okay when I’m talking one on one with someone. Basically, all my social anxiety problems have kept me very depressed over the years. It also sucks because I’m just too scared too call friends a lot of times. I use to have several numbers in my old cell phone, and I’ve only called 10 of them before. I worry that if I call, they’ll be upset with me, or I called them at a bad time, etc. So, normally just don’t call anyone to begin with. I really wish I could hang out with friends on a Friday/Saturday night having a good time, but I’m normally stuck indoors playing video games alone, doing homework, or just starring at my PC. I also feel like I’m a worthless being because I have no importance around people. I don’t really do or say anything that makes me living on Earth actually useful. I just feel I’m a waste and a huge burden.

I might get invited to banquets, award ceremonies, etc., but I come up with some excuse to not go, because I feel too uncomfortable around a lot of people, especially people I don't know. I honestly don't want to do this, but this is what always happens. I really don't like parties myself, especially large ones. Part of the reason is drinking involved, and I do not like drinking at all and feel extremely uncomfortable being around it. Also, I tend to see a lot of different conversations in groups, like one having to do with cars (no interest to me), another about some girl (which I don't want to get involved in), another about WoW (I don't play WoW), etc. Normally in that case, I find myself sitting on the couch, feeling really bad (Probably some social anxiety) and bored, or even pacing around. It sucks because even if I try to talk, it seems like I'm talking to a wall. A friend of mine kept convincing me to go to his Bemani music simulation and anime party, which I went to, and even I had some difficulty fitting in, because I have trouble getting into social conversations, especially around people I don't know. I even found myself playing my Nintendo DS at some gathering due to problems fitting in and socializing.

The last reason I’m depressed is because I never had a relationship in my life, or even went out with a girl (other than just friends with a girl). Back in late Middle school and early H.S., there were girls I liked and I kind of asked them out (not directly, but indirectly), but I was rejected several times (around 4-7). Later my sophomore year, I decided to never go through the pain again. I never went to a single semi-formal, and I never went to the Senior Prom, due to the fear of being turned down. Some people might tell me asking a girl isn’t hard, because the worst they can do is say “No”, that’s a very painful word that makes my depression even worse than it already is. Some might tell me that I should just call a girl up, but talking to one is even harder for me to do than talking to friends, which is already hard enough for me to do. The closest I ever came to having somewhat of a girl, was when one wanted to go out to dinner with me and see a movie. Unfortunately, since I had no money, after buying a video game, I couldn’t go, and basically ruined my chances. Also, I have strange eating habits, so I’m kind of afraid to eat with a girl, so I guess it wasn’t too bad I didn’t do it. I don't know any type of conversation to start with a girl (although I get extremely nervous starting conversations, part of the reason I can't even call any friend of mine), since I basically only know about video games (especially RPGs, since I really love them), anime, J-Pop, and some stuff related to my major (like programming, building electronics, etc.). Basically, I’m worthless because I’ll probably never get married or be in any type of relationship. I’ll probably live the rest of my life alone, in a dark world, starring at the wall.

So pretty much, I’m the definition for depression and should have probably never been more. I just don’t see anymore use for me in the world. I’m just not going anywhere in life and it doesn’t look like I will. If only I could get up and away from my “comfort zone”, which is my apartment, things might change. Some say why do I continue to live my life the way it is, no matter how much I hate it. The truth is, I know I hate it, but I cannot deny, since I’m in my apartment so much, it’s tough for me to get out. Maybe the next time I go out, I’ll just go kill myself, because I’m hopeless.

I know I get a lot of flack here and I know there are many who hate me (and I completely understand because I can be rude at times), but this has been my situation for the last 8 years or so.
[quote name='Jkmetal']Thankfully, I usually ride my bike everywhere. Up hill,down hill, everywhere around campus.

I used to eat better, but lately I have been really letting that slide,

However, I am in farily good shape.

What do I enjoy? Wow, riding my bike um, I used to like drawing but I really suck. Other than that, video games. I used to be able to listen to music more but my ear gets pissed off if I listen to too much now.

I did call my one friend here to see if he wanted to hang out and he said he would give me a call back. I would talk to my folks but..... I'm getting a little old to rely on them.[/QUOTE]Yeah, I really liking biking too. I used to eat a whole lot better myself too (I'm still in decent shape), but due to the stresses of college and not wanting to spend much money on food, I don't eat well. Yesterday for an example, I only ate Lucky Charms, French Fries, and Ruffles Potato Chips (drank Pepsi with all that).

I will say that a few have given me some advice before, but it hasn't completely helped. I have not seen a psychologist or something yet. Does anyone think I need help from one of those?
 
[quote name='Ikohn4ever']talk to a therapist, u might need some sort of medication

also, this is like the 5th person, what up with college kids now a days.[/QUOTE]

scooby doo got me through the rough days of school...lol.
 
if some of you guys have trouble at parties, just give drinking a try. now you should be responsible and not drive, etc. but getting a good buzz going really helps when you're self-conscious around new people. it works for me and don't worry about acting like a fool or something. unless you get really messed up, chances are they are also drinking having a good time too so just go with it. and even if you do get fucked up, you're not the first.
 
[quote name='triforcer']if some of you guys have trouble at parties, just give drinking a try. now you should be responsible and not drive, etc. but getting a good buzz going really helps when you're self-conscious around new people. it works for me and don't worry about acting like a fool or something. unless you get really messed up, chances are they are also drinking having a good time too so just go with it. and even if you do get fucked up, you're not the first.[/quote]

I know people like that. They're called alcoholics.
 
social drinking is being an alcoholic and if you do become an alcoholic those AA meetings should get you some friends, a Bill W. perhaps.
 
[quote name='triforcer']social drinking is being an alcoholic and if you do become an alcoholic those AA meetings should get you some friends, a Bill W. perhaps.[/quote]

Touche. Well played sir.
 
keep ya head up man. Dont be afraid to go see a doctor for your condition.
You made a great first step by talking about it. Keep me posted on your progress in dealing with this.
BTW
I'm happy that this thread has been very supportive. This is what is the best about cag.
 
I have the same sort of problems from time to time. Try to find something to take your mind off it.
I lift weights and run at the fitness center. Doing that also makes it much easier to meet people.

When you notice a girl you'd like to talk to shut everything else out. Imagine the best possible scenario of you walking over and greeting her. It'll boost your confidence on the spot.
 
I will prolly get flamed for this, but I found that talking to chicks online was a great way to meet cool people / work on my game without any pressure. Just get on ICQ and say hi to every chick on the list, you'll eventually get a hit. And if you say something retarded who cares - that chick is like 100+ miles away anyway. Eventually you'll realize it's no big deal.
 
theres nothign wrong with wanting alone time and yeah like someone suggest youre probably suffering from anxiety of some kind. and fyi in this day and age chicks seem to dig the weird guys alot more than the so called normal ones.
 
[quote name='lokizz']theres nothign wrong with wanting alone time and yeah like someone suggest youre probably suffering from anxiety of some kind. and fyi in this day and age chicks seem to dig the weird guys alot more than the so called normal ones.[/quote]

no. they don't.
 
[quote name='The Mana Knight']I can't believe I didn't catch this thread sooner, but you seem like my twin to be honest. Although I'm 6 years older and I'm a super senior in college (switched majors too many times and had difficulty with senior design).
[/quote]

Sounds like a lot of us in this thread were split from the same embryo.

*sigh*
 
[quote name='thesilentshadow30']That was the first thing I thought when reading the OP[/quote]

That was constantly on my mind writing the OP. :)
 
[quote name='lokizz']theres nothign wrong with wanting alone time and yeah like someone suggest youre probably suffering from anxiety of some kind. and fyi in this day and age chicks seem to dig the weird guys alot more than the so called normal ones.[/QUOTE]I dunno. People tell me I could never get a girl because I'm a really weird guy (far from normal). I just think I'm too ugly for a girl.
[quote name='Jkmetal']That was constantly on my mind writing the OP. :)[/QUOTE]Many people tell me the same thing too, since I've never been laid before, but I prefer to not get into that.
 
Just don't kill yourself...and I'm being serious

Go to psychiatric classes, sleep more, don't think rational thoughts or whatever but if you kill yourself it would devestate your family and friends
 
[quote name='Foo228']Just don't kill yourself...and I'm being serious

Go to psychiatric classes, sleep more, don't think rational thoughts or whatever but if you kill yourself it would devestate your family and friends[/quote]

Not going to happen. Ever.
 
Hey OP, I seem to be getting here a little late, but I can relate. I've changed my direction to a fair degree, but I still go through spells in which I "relapse," so it's a constant struggle to keep myself in the social game. What worked best for me in college (just graduated! but now no where to meet new people...) was joining a couple of clubs. I told myself that joining the school paper would look good on my resume - it had the added bonus of putting me in an office environment next to talkative students who didn't assume I was weird or socially unskilled right off the bat (new people = new chance for a first impression). We had to be there to work - so it wasn't awkward because it gave me context - and conversation was just an added bonus. Also, I joined a Christian group and took on some responsibilities for it, which forced me to get out there for weekly meetings, get very (inter)personal in Bible studies, and even go to other social functions like parties and game nights. Though they were rough in the beginning, I eventually got to the point where I was mostly comfortable.

There is some sage advice in this thread. Make sure you take some of it and *do* it, instead of just absorbing it and thinking about it. And start slowly too. Don't get discouraged thinking that you can't change your life, because there are a lot of people out there who have rebounded from this situation.
 
[quote name='The Mana Knight']I dunno. People tell me I could never get a girl because I'm a really weird guy (far from normal). I just think I'm too ugly for a girl.
Many people tell me the same thing too, since I've never been laid before, but I prefer to not get into that.[/quote]'

dude ive seen all kinds of guys with women. fat , skinny , dirty , geeky it happens. even really wierd guys can pull chicks the main thing is to just be yourself and do your best to not worry about what others may or may not be thinking about you. i have that problem too because of my past and i guess too my present i worry alot about what someone may think of me but the reality is some folks will like you some wont shit happens but in the end its your attitude that will affect whether youre lonely or not.


it will be work and it will take time but if you put the effort into it you will find your own friends. find people who like the things you like and dont overthink everything. you worry about what if and you will miss everything going on around you. especially when it comes to women youll find that it really is diff strokes for diff folks. try and make firends with them first let the more than friends thing happen on its own.
 
[quote name='camoor']I will prolly get flamed for this, but I found that talking to chicks online was a great way to meet cool people / work on my game without any pressure. Just get on ICQ and say hi to every chick on the list, you'll eventually get a hit. And if you say something retarded who cares - that chick is like 100+ miles away anyway. Eventually you'll realize it's no big deal.[/QUOTE]

No offense, but this is terrible advice. There's no substitute for the real thing.
 
[quote name='Calamityuponthee']No offense, but this is terrible advice. There's no substitute for the real thing.[/quote]

Agreed. People don't always act as they are online like they do in person.

[quote name='lokizz']even really wierd guys can pull chicks the main thing is to just be yourself and do your best to not worry about what others may or may not be thinking about you.[/quote]

I hate that phrase - just be yourself. People aren't static beings. What you are differs from moment to moment. The correct advice to give is to be your best self. Put out your best foot forward. Highlight your best qualities. There are certain things which shouldn't be shared until once has already achieved intimacy (and I don't me sex).
 
[quote name='Calamityuponthee']No offense, but this is terrible advice. There's no substitute for the real thing.[/quote]

LoL bring on the haters.

I'm not advocating having a WoW wedding here dude. I'm just saying that you can learn how to break the ice in a risk-free enviornment.
 
[quote name='jaykrue']Agreed. People don't always act as they are online like they do in person.[/quote]

I find this ironic coming from the "mad playa" who supposedly makes big cash money sitting at home and still has time to post on a videogame message board :lol:
 
[quote name='jaykrue']Agreed. People don't always act as they are online like they do in person.



I hate that phrase - just be yourself. People aren't static beings. What you are differs from moment to moment. The correct advice to give is to be your best self. Put out your best foot forward. Highlight your best qualities. There are certain things which shouldn't be shared until once has already achieved intimacy (and I don't me sex).[/quote]


would it be better if i said "keep it real yo"? all im saying is dont try to change who you are to attract people to you. just do whatever you do and things tend to do what they do. you ay have to step outside of your comfort zones from time to time to give yourself chances and opportunities to meet new people but even when you do stay true to who you really are. i know be yourself is really generic and bland advice and i used to think it was shit but its gospel truth.
 
I'm currently looking at the clubs on campus and I see a few that I might like. I actually would probably like the community service club that they have. I wouldn't mind helping people and the other people in that club probably have to be pretty nice as well. (plus everyone is out of highschool so no resume padders) I just have to find out when it meets. Its werid, I tried to join a few clubs last year only to find that they had died even before I had a chance to join them. There is also an outdoors club that I might like, (conservation of enviroment thing) because contary to common internet sense, some forumites actually spend tons of time outside. (me).
 
[quote name='camoor']I find this ironic coming from the "mad playa" who supposedly makes big cash money sitting at home and still has time to post on a videogame message board :lol:[/quote]

What's to do? Fact is, I am makin' mad bank. I telecommute since the day-to-day minutae is handled by my management team so there's very little need for me to go to the office often. And if I do need to be anywhere, posting on a videogame message board doesn't consume much effort, especially w/ a laptop and WiFi connection. :roll:

[quote name='lokizz']would it be better if i said "keep it real yo"? all im saying is dont try to change who you are to attract people to you. just do whatever you do and things tend to do what they do. you ay have to step outside of your comfort zones from time to time to give yourself chances and opportunities to meet new people but even when you do stay true to who you really are. i know be yourself is really generic and bland advice and i used to think it was shit but its gospel truth.[/quote]

That's the thing. "Be yourself" is too vague as it give permission to someone whose habits are too fringe to be acceptable by the vast majority. You're going to have a higher chance at meeting girls if you take more efforts at making yourself socially acceptable. That doesn't mean conform. It just means little things like, if you like comic books, unless you're in a comic book store chatting up a cute girl (who is more likely to like a comic), it's probably not something you'd mention at the offset. That means if you have an unconscious habit of picking your nose and flicking it in public, discipline yourself to put the snot into some tissue. And stepping outside of your comfort zone is an attempt to change yourself because if you stayed in your comfort zone you'd still be the same person.
 
[quote name='jaykrue']
I hate that phrase - just be yourself. People aren't static beings. What you are differs from moment to moment. The correct advice to give is to be your best self. Put out your best foot forward. Highlight your best qualities. There are certain things which shouldn't be shared until once has already achieved intimacy (and I don't me sex).[/QUOTE]I actually have a problem doing that. I tend to sell myself way too short to people, discussing all the things I suck at, why I'm no good at that, say how people are better than me at stuff, etc. I tend to hide my best qualities (such as my academic successes, etc.). That's probably the main reason I don't have a girl, along with lacking a conversation starter.

What do I say to a girl, because all I really know is games and anime (a little bit about sports, since I'm into Chicago sports teams a little).

Maybe I should visit you in Chicago (only 2-3 hours away) and we can chat. ;)
 
Been threre done that. What helped me was a FTW mentalilty, not like mean or violent or anything. Do what ya like and who give a crap what others think. If other people see your having a good time, theyll be interested. Having one or two good real friends aint bad, its better than a bunch of a-holes running around. I seen a psychiatrist and all that and eventually found my own way, using some of their advice. Dont be afraid of looking or feelilng stupid having fun, heck breakdance if ya want. Ive noticed the ladies are attracted to guys who can be goofy and have a good time. I think there are more alcoholic, druggie and ahole type people than those that arent. Concentrate on school, work, family or your bike riding.
 
[quote name='The Mana Knight']Maybe I should visit you in Chicago (only 2-3 hours away) and we can chat. ;)[/QUOTE]
... that's awkward.
 
[quote name='Brak']... that's awkward.[/quote]

Yeah, it's exactly that kind of talk that probably creeped out some girl. It's ok, I made that mistake in my youth as well. :lol:

[quote name='The Mana Knight']I actually have a problem doing that. I tend to sell myself way too short to people, discussing all the things I suck at, why I'm no good at that, say how people are better than me at stuff, etc. I tend to hide my best qualities (such as my academic successes, etc.). That's probably the main reason I don't have a girl, along with lacking a conversation starter.

What do I say to a girl, because all I really know is games and anime (a little bit about sports, since I'm into Chicago sports teams a little).

Maybe I should visit you in Chicago (only 2-3 hours away) and we can chat. ;)[/quote]

I see your problem right there - all in bold. Nobody likes to hear what you suck at. That's just sounds like you're whining and looking for pity. Some people actually get pissed off at that. I know I used to when I was a punk smart-ass teenager. Imagine, if some random stranger walked up to you and just started spouting what they suck at, you'd be a bit weirded out right? People are naturally distrustful of too much information. This is just as true in real life as it is in this series of tubes. Even if you suck at something, it's no one's business but your own and thus is not worth mentioning (at least not until you've seriously started dating someone). Better to remain mysterious than for them to know what already sucks about you.

When it comes to talking to a girl, there's no one single thing that will magically work. It's in the attitude. Despite what they say, girls like a challenge. It's this reason why some guys can't understand why a dumpy, fat, ugly or otherwise unconventional guy can score a hot chick. Kevin Smith is an easy example of this. If you've ever hear him talk, that guy talks a mile a minute and the way his words flow in a conversation is seamless. Sure you might say it's the money but when you see the girls he's been before he really blew up as a director, you know that his confidence and his articulation also had a big part in it.

It's a bit of a catch-22 in a sense. In order to talk to girls you need to be able to speak and carry on a conversation. But in order to learn how to speak and carry on a conversation, you need to talk to girls. So I say just jump in the pool - talk to as many real live girls as you can. Start by simply saying 'hi' to a girl while walking down the street along with a genuine smile. Then just carry about your business. Say it until you're actually comfortable saying it. You won't notice but soon your posturing will change. It won't be a hesitant 'h-h-hi' but a confident 'Hi!'. Once you've achieved this small step, take the next one - initiate a conversation about something unique about her - shoes, purse, earrings, etc. Your responses should generally be in a question form and mirror her last major statement to keep a conversation flowing. Look for keywords such as proper names or words that are vocally emphasized.

Ex:

You: "Hey, you look stylish. Those are some nice shoes. I'm looking for a gift for my cousin. Where'd you get them?"

Girl: "Oh, I got them at Forever21* These were on sale. I got them really cheap.

Y: "Real cheap at Forever21? Is that a website?"

G: "It's a store for trendy girl clothing."

Y: "Trendy girl clothing? Hmm, well I guess that makes you a trendy girl, huh?

And so on and so forth.

A big problem many guys have is not knowing when to quit speaking. A conversation is a 2 way avenue. Otherwise, it's someone lecturing to someone else. Conversations w/ people you don't know very well should be kept under 7 mins. tops. After that, you're wearing out your welcome. Move on - even if you don't have anything to do. Apologize and politely say you need to finish an errand or got an appointment to keep. It keeps you interesting and mysterious. Then ask if you could continue this conversation at a later time and get her number. If she says no, don't sweat it. It's a guppie in an ocean of fish. There'll be another one.

*note: I only chose this only because it's the only girl-store I know as my cousin works there but anything she mentions works
 
HAY JKMETAL!! Guess what I did today in history, while some stupid bitch was trying to figure out who fought in the Civil War (that is not a joke)? I started thinking about how much in love I am with this one girl, who probably doesn't feel the same as me, and I got to thinking about how there's lots of people who feel like me, depressed and such. That dumb bitch just kept talking and talking, and asking more shitty questions like "Did America win?" (no shit, dumbcock) and so I started drawing! I drew this while thinking of people like us. Not sure what it is, but I'm sure it represents something. The rabbit has one bullet hole in its head, and one penetrating its side. Maybe that stands for damage done, but we will still live? Who knows.

Either way, shitty drawing coming up:

Darnkess-Grayscale.jpg


EDIT: It's a bit small because I drew it at the bottom of an essay I got back. Full marks, yay.
 
[quote name='jaykrue']What's to do? Fact is, I am makin' mad bank. I telecommute since the day-to-day minutae is handled by my management team so there's very little need for me to go to the office often. And if I do need to be anywhere, posting on a videogame message board doesn't consume much effort, especially w/ a laptop and WiFi connection. :roll:



That's the thing. "Be yourself" is too vague as it give permission to someone whose habits are too fringe to be acceptable by the vast majority. You're going to have a higher chance at meeting girls if you take more efforts at making yourself socially acceptable. That doesn't mean conform. It just means little things like, if you like comic books, unless you're in a comic book store chatting up a cute girl (who is more likely to like a comic), it's probably not something you'd mention at the offset. That means if you have an unconscious habit of picking your nose and flicking it in public, discipline yourself to put the snot into some tissue. And stepping outside of your comfort zone is an attempt to change yourself because if you stayed in your comfort zone you'd still be the same person.[/quote]


darn you for twisting my words around on me lol. i see what you mean and yeah i guess in the context of him having habits or behaviors that may make it harder for people to connect to him ( like nose picking ) those things you can change and should but as far as your personality goes i still say be true to who you are. dont pretend to be into sports if youre really a gamer but on the same hand be open to learning about new things.


oh yeah btw op a big thing is to pay attention to what chicks are saying. alot fo them will be impressed and touched that you remember what they tell you especially if you reach the dating point. and if a chick complains to you just listen dont try to solve their problems for them that way leads to nothing but trouble.
 
[quote name='lokizz']darn you for twisting my words around on me lol. i see what you mean and yeah i guess in the context of him having habits or behaviors that may make it harder for people to connect to him ( like nose picking ) those things you can change and should but as far as your personality goes i still say be true to who you are. dont pretend to be into sports if youre really a gamer but on the same hand be open to learning about new things.[/quote]

That's why I said "Be your best self." ;)
 
Well, I meet with the person today. I was really nervous but I did it. It wasn't that bad, apparntly since I go to a big enough school they are going to have a therapy group for people like me (and everyone else who posted simliar things on this thread.) and as of right now I am going to meet with a person once a week. Already I feel a little better.

I am taking everyone's advice to heart that was given here, I'm looking for groups on campus but a lot of them are not listed on the website so I 'm going to start checking the student center message boards to see what going on. That might be a little while off though.


Thanks to everyone who posted in this thread. I didn't really know what kind of response that I would get.
 
[quote name='Jkmetal']Well, I meet with the person today. I was really nervous but I did it. It wasn't that bad, apparntly since I go to a big enough school they are going to have a therapy group for people like me (and everyone else who posted simliar things on this thread.) and as of right now I am going to meet with a person once a week. Already I feel a little better.

I am taking everyone's advice to heart that was given here, I'm looking for groups on campus but a lot of them are not listed on the website so I 'm going to start checking the student center message boards to see what going on. That might be a little while off though.


Thanks to everyone who posted in this thread. I didn't really know what kind of response that I would get.[/quote]

Sounds good man. One piece of advice - I'd change up your internal dialogue (and your sig).

The more times you say something, the more true it tends to become. That probably goes triple if you advertise it.

If you have some spare cash you might want to check out this book, if nothing else it's a fun read that will only set you back less then a tenner.
http://www.amazon.com/Law-Attraction-Science-Attracting-More/dp/0446199745/ref=pd_sim_b_4/103-1135025-5986264?ie=UTF8&qid=1189628763&sr=8-1
 
Not sure if this will help you or not.

Sometimes I worry that I don't have enough friends. I really only have two really really good ones besides my wife and a couple of siblings.

My sister feels the same way and we often talk about it. However I've come to the conclusion that not everyone can be a social butterfly. I'm otherwise happy, and I have two people I'd to go hell and back for.

I know that they sometimes put up with a lot of my crap.

One or two good /quality/ friendships is a lot better than what some of the most socially connect people have. Some of those folks know a lot of people, but few of those people truly know them.

I'd take the advice on changing your sig and how you think about yourself. It's something that I work on daily, and I /know/ it has made a positive difference in my life.

Good luck to you. You sound like a nice person, and the world needs more people like that. We're kinda full up on fashionable, popular, self confident jerks.
 
Im like alot of the people in this thread. Though I'm hoping it doesn't last as long as it has for TMK.

I generally feel that a girlfriend is completely out of the question for me at this point and time. Just not going to happen. Maybe in college or when I'm in 11th and 12th grade, but right now I just don't see the possibility there. Though I have low self confidence and see myself as the most ugly one out of a school of 2000 kids. I also have the thing where I'd prefer to be in my comfort zone instead of out around a bunch of people I don't know. I hate being in crowded places. I geet the feeling that everyone's looking at me and calling me ugly even though they aren't.

[/emo]
 
[quote name='jaykrue']Yeah, it's exactly that kind of talk that probably creeped out some girl. It's ok, I made that mistake in my youth as well. :lol:



I see your problem right there - all in bold. Nobody likes to hear what you suck at. That's just sounds like you're whining and looking for pity. Some people actually get pissed off at that. I know I used to when I was a punk smart-ass teenager. Imagine, if some random stranger walked up to you and just started spouting what they suck at, you'd be a bit weirded out right? People are naturally distrustful of too much information. This is just as true in real life as it is in this series of tubes. Even if you suck at something, it's no one's business but your own and thus is not worth mentioning (at least not until you've seriously started dating someone). Better to remain mysterious than for them to know what already sucks about you.

When it comes to talking to a girl, there's no one single thing that will magically work. It's in the attitude. Despite what they say, girls like a challenge. It's this reason why some guys can't understand why a dumpy, fat, ugly or otherwise unconventional guy can score a hot chick. Kevin Smith is an easy example of this. If you've ever hear him talk, that guy talks a mile a minute and the way his words flow in a conversation is seamless. Sure you might say it's the money but when you see the girls he's been before he really blew up as a director, you know that his confidence and his articulation also had a big part in it.

It's a bit of a catch-22 in a sense. In order to talk to girls you need to be able to speak and carry on a conversation. But in order to learn how to speak and carry on a conversation, you need to talk to girls. So I say just jump in the pool - talk to as many real live girls as you can. Start by simply saying 'hi' to a girl while walking down the street along with a genuine smile. Then just carry about your business. Say it until you're actually comfortable saying it. You won't notice but soon your posturing will change. It won't be a hesitant 'h-h-hi' but a confident 'Hi!'. Once you've achieved this small step, take the next one - initiate a conversation about something unique about her - shoes, purse, earrings, etc. Your responses should generally be in a question form and mirror her last major statement to keep a conversation flowing. Look for keywords such as proper names or words that are vocally emphasized.

Ex:

You: "Hey, you look stylish. Those are some nice shoes. I'm looking for a gift for my cousin. Where'd you get them?"

Girl: "Oh, I got them at Forever21* These were on sale. I got them really cheap.

Y: "Real cheap at Forever21? Is that a website?"

G: "It's a store for trendy girl clothing."

Y: "Trendy girl clothing? Hmm, well I guess that makes you a trendy girl, huh?

And so on and so forth.

A big problem many guys have is not knowing when to quit speaking. A conversation is a 2 way avenue. Otherwise, it's someone lecturing to someone else. Conversations w/ people you don't know very well should be kept under 7 mins. tops. After that, you're wearing out your welcome. Move on - even if you don't have anything to do. Apologize and politely say you need to finish an errand or got an appointment to keep. It keeps you interesting and mysterious. Then ask if you could continue this conversation at a later time and get her number. If she says no, don't sweat it. It's a guppie in an ocean of fish. There'll be another one.

*note: I only chose this only because it's the only girl-store I know as my cousin works there but anything she mentions works[/QUOTE]Ah, that makes sense to me. I think to change the way I approach a girl (well, actually approaching a girl) and hopefully things turn out. I probably should go ahead and be a girl's friend, if that's what she wants, because it might turn into a relationship one day (Many girls told me in the past they just like me as a friend, so I gave up). :)

I realized another issue I have is a lack in trust, in most people, which kind of hurts me socializing (other than people saying I'm socially retarded). There are times I gain the courage to call a friend or AIM them, asking them if they will be around and whether they want to do something. Many times, they'll say yes and tell me they'll give me a call back. 95% of the time, I get NO call back. That angers me to no end because I plan my ENTIRE day around that friend, and NOTHING works out. Sometimes they get back to me way later (making up some excuse, which a few friends have done to me), or never get back to me. :( I also have a lack of trust because people gave me a hard time in H.S., such as telling me I'm not really my race (because I'm not the stereotypical of it) and need to take a shower to wash off all my paint, or I needed to wear "X" clothing brand to kind of prove it (they gave me an extremely hard time over it). And then, my old best friend had a few friends (who I wasn't really close to, but mostly knew) who got him arrested a few times when he had very little to do with what happened, but that's me just being a little too paranoid.

Despite what I said, I've gained a few friends in college because of Facebook (I started the Final Fantasy group at my college which helped) and I made some from the DDR Club. I still lack close friends offline though (most of my close friends are all online, from CAG, GAF, etc.).
 
[quote name='The Mana Knight']Ah, that makes sense to me. I think to change the way I approach a girl (well, actually approaching a girl) and hopefully things turn out. I probably should go ahead and be a girl's friend, if that's what she wants, because it might turn into a relationship one day (Many girls told me in the past they just like me as a friend, so I gave up). :) [/quote]

*sigh* That really depends on what you're looking for. If you're looking for new friends, go for it. But don't go chattin' up a girl in that way if your intent is to hook up (short term or long term). For romantic interests you've got to establish that you're interested in her as romantic partner vs. a friend. It's possible to hook w/ a friend but it changes the dynamics of the relationship (unless she's already a fubu = f*uck buddy) and then it's really difficult to go back being friends. So decide before you approach.

[quote name='The Mana Knight'] I realized another issue I have is a lack in trust, in most people, which kind of hurts me socializing (other than people saying I'm socially retarded). There are times I gain the courage to call a friend or AIM them, asking them if they will be around and whether they want to do something. Many times, they'll say yes and tell me they'll give me a call back. 95% of the time, I get NO call back. That angers me to no end because I plan my ENTIRE day around that friend, and NOTHING works out. Sometimes they get back to me way later (making up some excuse, which a few friends have done to me), or never get back to me. :( I also have a lack of trust because people gave me a hard time in H.S., such as telling me I'm not really my race (because I'm not the stereotypical of it) and need to take a shower to wash off all my paint, or I needed to wear "X" clothing brand to kind of prove it (they gave me an extremely hard time over it). And then, my old best friend had a few friends (who I wasn't really close to, but mostly knew) who got him arrested a few times when he had very little to do with what happened, but that's me just being a little too paranoid.

Despite what I said, I've gained a few friends in college because of Facebook (I started the Final Fantasy group at my college which helped) and I made some from the DDR Club. I still lack close friends offline though (most of my close friends are all online, from CAG, GAF, etc.).[/quote]

What I highlighted in bold is the core of your problem. DON'T EVER PLAN YOUR LIFE AROUND OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES. It's your life not theirs. Sure, schedule an outing w/ friends but always have a backup plan. I can assure you, that's exactly what these people are doing. You going to see a movie at 7pm? Cool. Doesn't show up? Cool. Call up another person to hang out or go somewhere to hang out. Hell, get on-line or play a game. Don't sit there feeling pity for yourself. If you get someone saying they'll call you back w/o a definite plan (time, place, activity), assume they won't call and make other plans w/ other people. When they call you back and you're too busy doing your own thing, they'll be in the same exact situation as you were and you can take the high ground. You can be the one to tell them that they should have confirmed the plan because you don't have time to wait by the phone like a bitch because you got shit to do.
 
"Ah, that makes sense to me. I think to change the way I approach a girl (well, actually approaching a girl) and hopefully things turn out. I probably should go ahead and be a girl's friend, if that's what she wants, because it might turn into a relationship one day (Many girls told me in the past they just like me as a friend, so I gave up). "

Jaykrue is correct on this one. Very rarely can you flip the switch from friend to relationships. Girls don't really work that way. Once you get the friend label you are generally stuck with it forever which is great if you want to be friends but not so great if you have feelings for the girl.
 
Start with some affirmative stuff. Write down what you're good at and focus on it and not the negatives. Turns the negatives into not "what I can't do" but areas for improvement. Jot down solid ways to improve yourself (Hint: a lot are mentioned in this thread) and start taking small steps. I too suffered from extreme social anxiety though most of mine was in high school. I came to find out later that a lot of girls were interested in me, I was just too wrapped up in self pity to notice it. You can't dwell on your failings.

There's a reason people are taught to "visualize and attack." The more you envision yourself succeeding the more you will. This becomes a spiral of success. Yes, it will be tough at first but each little step you take will grant you the confidence to take the next one. Just don't get discouraged by your misteps. Even the "players of players" have screwed up before. The only difference is that they tried again. I know from personal experience that being rejected sucks hardcore but even if 10 women turn you down the 11th might say yes and that'll make it all worth while.

As far as feeling awkward even around your friends, well they obviously like you for some reason right? Otherwise they wouldn't hang around you. So either you're not as awkward as you think, or else you have other qualities that make up for it.

Finally, do get some professional help. Even if some poeple think shrinks are nothing but a bunch of crap, it helps to have a support network and they've helped many people just like you.
 
[quote name='jaykrue']
What I highlighted in bold is the core of your problem. DON'T EVER PLAN YOUR LIFE AROUND OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES. It's your life not theirs. Sure, schedule an outing w/ friends but always have a backup plan. I can assure you, that's exactly what these people are doing. You going to see a movie at 7pm? Cool. Doesn't show up? Cool. Call up another person to hang out or go somewhere to hang out. Hell, get on-line or play a game. Don't sit there feeling pity for yourself. If you get someone saying they'll call you back w/o a definite plan (time, place, activity), assume they won't call and make other plans w/ other people. When they call you back and you're too busy doing your own thing, they'll be in the same exact situation as you were and you can take the high ground. You can be the one to tell them that they should have confirmed the plan because you don't have time to wait by the phone like a bitch because you got shit to do.[/QUOTE]You know what, this is the absolute greatest posts in the world and I NEVER thought about it. Anytime I complain to online friends on AIM about a friend never calling me back, the only reply I get is to call them (where sometimes no one answers, or I feel too nervous to call them myself). Yeah, I spend WAY too much of my time trying to plan my day around others, where I get bored out of my waiting if nothing happens, and I usually get screwed one way or another. Although playing a game or getting online isn't the best option for me IMO, because I do that every freaking day and would rather do some socializing every once in a while with someone other than myself (lol, I'm just kidding there, but I do live alone, so all I can talk to are my things). I'll be honest that I got offers to do stuff with other friends a few times, but I denied because I was waiting on another friend to call (since they promised me and I said I'll definitely stick around for them).

I usually hate to be selfish, but I guess that's what I gotta do sometimes. :)

Thanks a lot, I definitely owe you one. ;)
 
[quote name='The Mana Knight']You know what, this is the absolute greatest posts in the world and I NEVER thought about it. Anytime I complain to online friends on AIM about a friend never calling me back, the only reply I get is to call them (where sometimes no one answers, or I feel too nervous to call them myself). Yeah, I spend WAY too much of my time trying to plan my day around others, where I get bored out of my waiting if nothing happens, and I usually get screwed one way or another. Although playing a game or getting online isn't the best option for me IMO, because I do that every freaking day and would rather do some socializing every once in a while with someone other than myself (lol, I'm just kidding there, but I do live alone, so all I can talk to are my things). I'll be honest that I got offers to do stuff with other friends a few times, but I denied because I was waiting on another friend to call (since they promised me and I said I'll definitely stick around for them).

I usually hate to be selfish, but I guess that's what I gotta do sometimes. :)

Thanks a lot, I definitely owe you one. ;)[/quote]

How is enjoying your life selfish? You offered to do something w/ someone and they never got back to you. To me, that basically says that you're aren't as important to them as they say you are. Better to spend it w/ people who would actually spend time w/ you vs. people who say they'll hang out.
 
I skimmed this, I liked the join a club idea. Maybe a martial arts club, that might be a good way to alleviate your frustrations. Good luck getting happy.
 
[quote name='Zenithian Legend']I skimmed this, I liked the join a club idea. Maybe a martial arts club, that might be a good way to alleviate your frustrations. Good luck getting happy.[/quote]

I would, yet they have no matrial arts club. I'll try to scope out some clubs next week to see what's what.
 
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