Free new copy of bioshock 2 xbox 360 for the funniest joke

Kay_Faraday

Kay_Faraday

CAGiversary!
12/9:

Thank you to everyone who participated. I had a lot of laughs reading the replies. :D

Top contenders:
Valorcide
Redringofdeath
Boomatic206
hellspawnuchiha
floppyflamingo
kingtomahawk
flameofdoom666
blade
jalbasha
skeel719
supakilla9
captain urahara
braken
rosterking
luvmysegadc
xblaze23
mrpiggles
punklivz
keisterxc
darklurkr23
fresh02_88
def PD
austenwithane
raarar
h3m1 r4m
Nintendokid54

(Apologies if I spelled your name wrong)

Although I was initially going to choose 1 winner, I have chosen 2. It was a very close call!

1st place will receive a sealed copy of bioshock 2 for the 360 as promised.

2nd place will get a $10 off promo code redeemable at gamestop.com

Weeners:
flameofdoom and supakilla, congratulations!

Youre going to look at their posts now, arent you? :p
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello fellow CAGs! I have a sealed copy of bioshock 2 for the xbox 360 which I will be giving away to whomever tells me the funniest joke or you can post a funny picture :D I have no use for the game since I dont have an xbox.

Rules:
Max of 5 total jokes per person or 5 pics. 3 jokes, 2 pics. 1 pic, 4 jokes. Mix and match. :p

I will not be checking this thread until next friday(dec 9). That way I can read everything at once and whomever makes me LOL the most will be the winner(I will PM you).

Let the lulz begin! :lol:
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Whats brown and sticky? a stick!

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity, it's impossible to put down!

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.




I think those are pretty common jokes now with that raccoon meme circulating around tumblr, but I still find them funny:D lool
 
After an airliner encounters a particularly rough patch of turbulence, the captain comes on the intercom to reassure the passengers everything is okay and that the flight should be a smooth one the rest of the way. He forgets to turn off the intercom however, and as he turns to his co-pilot to make an additional remark, everyone on the plane hears him say: "Boy, I sure could use a blowjob and a cup of coffee right about now." As a flight attendant frantically rushes up the aisle towards the cockpit to warn the captain that his microphone is open, a slick passenger calls out after her: "Don't forget the coffee!"






There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, who were all stranded on an island. One day they found a genie and he said he would grant them three wishes. All three of them agreed that each of them would get one wish each.

The brunette said, "I wish I was home in my bed and that this never happened." and poof, her wish was granted.

The redhead said, "I wish that I was at home in my bed and this never happened."
and poof, her wish was granted.

Then the blond said, "I wish my friends were here with me."
 
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, ''That must be the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits, angry. She says to a man next to her, ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says, ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

2.Two men walk into a bar... The third man ducked.

3. A blond woman finds out that her husband is cheating so goes to the gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day, she confronts her husband while pointing the gun at her own head. He begs and pleads for her not to shoot. Hysterically, she relies, "Shut up!!! You're next!!!"

4. Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can un-screw a light bulb!

5. All you need is love... Unless you're a divorce lawyer.
 
(1) A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”


(2) A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”


(3) When I get old I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming in terror like his passengers....


(4) I went to the psychiatrist, and he says “You’re crazy ” I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you’re ugly too!”


(5) An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head.
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.
The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, “Spit it out! Spit it out, you little bastard!”


:p
 
Q. What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!


You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
 
1. there was this blind man that was walking down the street with his stick. he stops by a fish market, takes a deep breath and goes "wooh! good morning ladies!"
2. a man and his wife are in the delivery room as his wife is expecting. a nurse comes in and says "we have a new invention which will share the pain of childbirth to the father, making it easier for the mother. we were looking to try it with you, if you want". the man says yes and the nurse hooks them up. "i'm going to put it at 10% as the pain might be too much" the nurse says tuning the dials. the man doesn't look in pain at all, so they switch it up 10% to see if he'll react. at 100%, he feels nothing, and the birthing goes through pain free. as the couple returns home, they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.
3. (from the news) during a U2 concert, bono told everyone to be quiet, then he slowly clapped. "every time i clap, a kid a africa dies." he says.
during the silence, one irish man stands up and says "well, stop clappin' then, ya heartless bastard!"
 
It-hurts-when-IP.jpg
 
1 joke.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender immediately notices the danger of the situation and exits the bar.

4 pics.

40731_168488796510335_100000476480606_518987_7029389_n.jpg
302855_700b.jpg
tumblr_lhvoljqDwz1qfga8ko1_500.jpg
creepjaps.jpg
 
You and Me are in a plane which crashes in a jungle we both get caught by cannibals and they take us to their cannibal leader which tells us: "If you find three of the same thing in this forest I will set you free."

So we both set off into the forest and eventually you come back with three berries. The cannibal leader says: "Okay drop your pants and bent over." You co-operate. So a cannibal puts one berry up your a*s and you start laughing, the second one goes in and you start laughing even more and by the third one
you just rolling on the floor laughing because you know I am bringing back Coconuts.
 
I visited my doctor last week, and he told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why, surely it’s not dangerous. He said it was distracting him.
 
1. what's the worst thing about being black and jewish?

a. you have to stand in the back of the oven.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. kobe bryant and a jew play one on one basketball in an oven. who wins?

a. the jew. homecourt advantage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. why can't stevie wonder read?

a. because he's black.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
roses are red jokes:
4. roses are red, violets are blue, i have schizophrenia, SO DO I!

5. roses are grey, violets are gray, I'M A DOG!
 
Last edited by a moderator:
OOh oooohh I got jokes!
Yo mommas so fat, it negatively impacts her health and life.
Yo mommas so dumb, she cant do relatively simple tasks because they are too complicated for her.
Yo mommas so poor, she cant afford a comfortable life and has to resort to making use of government aid programs.
Yo mommas so short, she has trouble reaching things on high shelves and purchased a step stool to assist her.
Yo mommas so ugly, she has low self-esteem because she feels inadequate about her body.

Am I doing it right?
 
how do you get 4 old ladies to yell fuck? have a 5th one yell bingo

why did the muslim stop eating his wife? he overheard someone call her a pig

what does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? her navel.

what's the difference between a rabbi and a priest? a rabbi cuts them off a priest sucks them off

why do women have smaller feet then men? its one of those evolutionary things that allow women to stand closer to the sink.
 
1. yo mamas so fat i took a picture last christmas and its still printing
2. how do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on wednesday
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
5. Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

Goood luck to everyone and thank for the opportunity.
 
A man works at a pickle factory. One day he comes home from work and tells his wife, "Honey, for some strange reason, I wanna stick my dick in the pickle slicer." The wife says, "Um... yeah, that is pretty weird." The next day, the man comes home from work and says, "Honey, I got some bad news." The wife says, "Oh no! What's wrong?" He says, "I got fired." The wife says, "Why'd you get fired?" He says, "I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer." She says, "What happened to the pickle slicer?" He says, "She got fired too."
 
1-I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2-
Q. What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A. A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.

3-Studies have proven that 6 out of 7 people enjoy gang rape.

4- A father brings his daughter to the gynecologist office and the doctor asked the father if she was sexually active. The father responds " No she just lies there like her mother"

5-Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
 
Last edited by a moderator:
What's easier to pick up when it gets heavy?

Women.

--------------------------

Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning.

---------------------------

With American Airlines stock at 20 cents, I can't decide between paying for two checked bags or buying half the company.

-----------------------------

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmJbJs-9ST0

-----------------------------

http://i.imgur.com/rT0Jn.gif

-------------------------------
There, my 5 submissions.

Thanks for the giveaway, and good luck everyone :)
 
What does a 300 pound white woman and a brick have in common?

They're both likely to get laid by a black guy.
 
1) Monk: What is so cool that it is hot and so hot that it is cool?

Man: Poptarts?

Monk: IT'S NOT POPTARTS!



2)
Evil-Jamison1.jpg


3)
199-animated_gif-blue_screen-data-humor-star_trek-the_next_generation.gif
 
Last edited by a moderator:
1] Welcome To Rapture:
WelcomeToRapture.jpg





2] What did the constipated mathematician do?

He worked it out with a pencil



3] Two blonds are taking a walk through a the wilderness when they come across some tracks...
they start arguing:
bear tracks ... rabbit tracks
Bear tracks ... Rabit tracks
Bear Tracks ... Rabit Tracks
BEAR TRACKS ... RABIT TRACKS

half an hour later they were killed by a train
 
Last edited by a moderator:
What do you call five Mexicans at the bottom of the pool? CINCO!

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? ROBERTO!

What do you get when you cross a Elephant and a Rhino? Elefino.

Why would it be a bad idea to lock your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic? You really don't want to go in and ask for a coat hanger.

How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his dick!
 
1. What did the acorn say to himself when he grew up?
Ge-oma-try (math joke)
2.
christmas-ditto-competition-house.jpg

3.
raw


4. Do you really want me to put in a link about chuplayer? I don't think so.
 
Q: What's the difference between a picnic table and a black man?

A: Only one of these can support a family of four.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
bread's done
Back
Top