Free new copy of bioshock 2 xbox 360 for the funniest joke
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ErezYehuda
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What's the best part about 
ing twenty one year olds?
There's twenty of them!
ing twenty one year olds?There's twenty of them!
CheapestGamerAlive
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why are black people good at basketball because they can run shoot (gun) Steal
luvmysegadc
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1. If women with large boobs work at Hooters, where do women with one leg work?
IHOP
2. Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden
behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments
and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into
the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it,
several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to
Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'
She asks, 'What?'
'Sex!!' he replies
Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart!! You couldn't get
it up if I held a gun to your head!'
'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman
could just hold it for a while.'
Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers,
removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward,
they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where
they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him
sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was
holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son of a bitch! What
does Ethel have that I don't have?'
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's
3. HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS B!TCH
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could
dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would
be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her
father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it,
but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this
dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind
sweetheart. I'll get another dress.. After all, it's your special day.''
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another
gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother,
''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another
occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm
wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''
4. Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, my wife Betty and I
went into town and visited a shop.??
When we came out,??there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an asshole . He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Betty called him a shit head.?? He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.??
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home.??
We try to have a little fun each day??now that we're retired.
5. Just a tap on the shoulder...
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver
screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb
and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking
driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of
me..."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said "I didn't
realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my
fault, today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse
for 25 years..."
IHOP
2. Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden
behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments
and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into
the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it,
several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to
Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'
She asks, 'What?'
'Sex!!' he replies
Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart!! You couldn't get
it up if I held a gun to your head!'
'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman
could just hold it for a while.'
Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers,
removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward,
they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where
they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him
sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was
holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son of a bitch! What
does Ethel have that I don't have?'
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's
3. HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS B!TCH
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could
dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would
be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her
father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it,
but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this
dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind
sweetheart. I'll get another dress.. After all, it's your special day.''
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another
gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother,
''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another
occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm
wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''
4. Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, my wife Betty and I
went into town and visited a shop.??
When we came out,??there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an asshole . He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Betty called him a shit head.?? He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.??
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home.??
We try to have a little fun each day??now that we're retired.
5. Just a tap on the shoulder...
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver
screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb
and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking
driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of
me..."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said "I didn't
realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my
fault, today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse
for 25 years..."
Best Little Johnny Joke Ever!
Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No, said Obama, that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not, explained Obama. That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic! exclaimed Obama. That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and you can bet your ass it's probably not an accident either."
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garrett9418
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My chemistry teacher told my class a joke. There was no reaction.
sithmonkeyba
CAGiversary!
1) why did the hipster burn his mouth on the pizza? because he ate it before it was cool
2) what do you call two mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan
3) why is santa so jolly? because he knows where the naughty girls are
4) what do vegetarian zombies eat? Grrraaiiinss
5) knock knock. who's there? Dook. Dook-who?
2) what do you call two mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan
3) why is santa so jolly? because he knows where the naughty girls are
4) what do vegetarian zombies eat? Grrraaiiinss
5) knock knock. who's there? Dook. Dook-who?
-There was a blonde, brunette, and redhead all sitting at their OB/GYN waiting to see the sex of their baby. The brunette looks at the other girls and says "I'm going to have a boy because I was on top". The redhead looks at them and says "Well I'm going to have a girl because I was on bottom". Then the blonde starts to hysterically cry, so the brunette and redhead comfort her and ask her what's wrong, the blonde says "I'm going to have a puppy"
-There was a blonde, brunette, and redhead running (on foot) from the cops. They run into an alley and the brunette says lets hide in these potato sacks. The cop comes around the corner and kicks the first sack (brunette) "MEOW" and the cop says "Oh it's just a cat" so he kicks the redheads sack "RUFF RUFF" and the cop says "Oh it's just a dog" so he kicks the blondes sack and nothing, so he kicks it a little harder and still nothing, so he kicks it as hard as he can and it says "POTATOES, DUH!"
-One day a blonde was driving down the road when she seen another blonde in a canoe rowing in a field, it pissed her off so she got out of the car and yelled to the woman "YOU KNOW IT'S BLONDES LIKE YOU WHO GIVE US A BAD NAME! AND IF I KNEW HOW TO SWIM I'D KICK YOUR ASS"
-Women's Rights (courtesy of my husband lol)
-Car full of blondes were on a trip to disneyland, as they got close they saw a sign that said 'Disneyland Left', so they turned around and went home.
-There was a blonde, brunette, and redhead running (on foot) from the cops. They run into an alley and the brunette says lets hide in these potato sacks. The cop comes around the corner and kicks the first sack (brunette) "MEOW" and the cop says "Oh it's just a cat" so he kicks the redheads sack "RUFF RUFF" and the cop says "Oh it's just a dog" so he kicks the blondes sack and nothing, so he kicks it a little harder and still nothing, so he kicks it as hard as he can and it says "POTATOES, DUH!"
-One day a blonde was driving down the road when she seen another blonde in a canoe rowing in a field, it pissed her off so she got out of the car and yelled to the woman "YOU KNOW IT'S BLONDES LIKE YOU WHO GIVE US A BAD NAME! AND IF I KNEW HOW TO SWIM I'D KICK YOUR ASS"
-Women's Rights (courtesy of my husband lol)
-Car full of blondes were on a trip to disneyland, as they got close they saw a sign that said 'Disneyland Left', so they turned around and went home.
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CrystalBadass97
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deadkndys420
CAG Veteran
So this man walks into a brothel, and he is really horny, he tells the person at the front to set him up a room with their best girl. The person tells him "I'm sorry but the only girl we have that's not busy is Sandpaper Sally, and she hasn't had sex in 6 years." The man figures if no one has had sex with her in six years she must be really ugly and terrible, so he tells the person at the front "Ok, i'll go to the bar and be back in a few hours." So the man goes to the bar, and returns a few hours later. The person at the front says "I'm sorry the only girl we have is Sandpaper Sally". The man tells the person "alright, i'm going to go back to the bar and I'll be back later, hopefully you'll have somebody." The man goes back to the bar and gets completely wasted, then goes back to the brothel and requests they set him up with their best girl. The person at the front says "I'm sorry, the only girl we have is Sandpaper Sally."
The man is so drunk and horny at this point he tells the person "**** it, take me to Sandpaper Sally!" The person takes the man up to this room where sitting on the bed is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, she's absolutely perfect. He's confused and asks if she is Sandpaper Sally, to which she responds "Yes." So he goes to her and she takes off his clothes, and he takes off hers. She gets in his lap, and he tries to push his hard **** into her but it won't go in. It's too rough, like sandpaper. He tells her "Darling, i'm sorry but I just can't get it in." She tells him she can fix that, and to give her a minute. She goes into the bathroom and he becomes curious as to what she's doing. She comes back out and says "alright, i'm ready." He goes to her, and slips his **** in no problem. He begins to **** her and it's the most amazing sex he's ever had in his life. He continues to **** her three or four more times.
Finally he starts to put his clothes back on, and before he leaves he says to the woman "Can I ask you something?" The woman smiles and says yes. The man looks at her...
"When I got here today, the person at the front said you hadn't been touched in 6 years, and then I walk in and there sits the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, I was really confused... but then i couldn't get into you at first, but then you come out of that bathroom and I just had the greatest sex ever, so what did you do to make yourself so slick?"...To which the woman replied
"Oh, i just peeled the scabs off and let all the blood and puss run down."
The man is so drunk and horny at this point he tells the person "**** it, take me to Sandpaper Sally!" The person takes the man up to this room where sitting on the bed is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, she's absolutely perfect. He's confused and asks if she is Sandpaper Sally, to which she responds "Yes." So he goes to her and she takes off his clothes, and he takes off hers. She gets in his lap, and he tries to push his hard **** into her but it won't go in. It's too rough, like sandpaper. He tells her "Darling, i'm sorry but I just can't get it in." She tells him she can fix that, and to give her a minute. She goes into the bathroom and he becomes curious as to what she's doing. She comes back out and says "alright, i'm ready." He goes to her, and slips his **** in no problem. He begins to **** her and it's the most amazing sex he's ever had in his life. He continues to **** her three or four more times.
Finally he starts to put his clothes back on, and before he leaves he says to the woman "Can I ask you something?" The woman smiles and says yes. The man looks at her...
"When I got here today, the person at the front said you hadn't been touched in 6 years, and then I walk in and there sits the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, I was really confused... but then i couldn't get into you at first, but then you come out of that bathroom and I just had the greatest sex ever, so what did you do to make yourself so slick?"...To which the woman replied
"Oh, i just peeled the scabs off and let all the blood and puss run down."
1. These three guys are in heaven trying to get in, but the doorman says only one can pass since heaven is overflowing, and whoever has the most interesting death may come in.
The first guy says "Well I suspected my wife was cheating on me so I came home early, and I was right! Some guy was trying to escape, he was hanging on the balcony, so in a fit of rage I started hitting his fingers with a hammer, he fell off but god must of loved him because he landed in the bushes and survived, so I threw my fridge on him, then I had a heart attack from the excitement". The doorman says wow thats pretty funny, he looks at the second guy who says, "Well I was on my exercise bike by the window when the screws came loose and I flew off, I landed on my downstairs neighbors balcony and for some reason he started hitting my fingers with a hammer and I fell into the bushes, then this same ass throws his fridge on me." The doorman laughs and says, alright how about you, as he looks at the third guy. "Alright so get this, I was sleeping naked in this guys fridge..."
2. A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder, bartender asks "Where'd you get that" Parrot says Africa.
3. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
No ball room.
4. Did you hear about the gay truckers? They exchanged loads
5. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
"We DO taste like chicken!!"
The first guy says "Well I suspected my wife was cheating on me so I came home early, and I was right! Some guy was trying to escape, he was hanging on the balcony, so in a fit of rage I started hitting his fingers with a hammer, he fell off but god must of loved him because he landed in the bushes and survived, so I threw my fridge on him, then I had a heart attack from the excitement". The doorman says wow thats pretty funny, he looks at the second guy who says, "Well I was on my exercise bike by the window when the screws came loose and I flew off, I landed on my downstairs neighbors balcony and for some reason he started hitting my fingers with a hammer and I fell into the bushes, then this same ass throws his fridge on me." The doorman laughs and says, alright how about you, as he looks at the third guy. "Alright so get this, I was sleeping naked in this guys fridge..."
2. A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder, bartender asks "Where'd you get that" Parrot says Africa.
3. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
No ball room.
4. Did you hear about the gay truckers? They exchanged loads
5. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
"We DO taste like chicken!!"
Darklurkr23
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Two Penn State Gym Teachers walk into a Butt XD
"i was helping some1 set up his computer , and he wanted to log in with a password......now you you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect....so when the computer asked him to enter his password , he keys in "Schlong".......I nearly fell off the chair laughing so hard when the computer replied:
****PASSWORD REJECTED.TOO SHORT****
****PASSWORD REJECTED.TOO SHORT****
A Dog Named Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
Might not be a joke, but here, enjoy this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-hXdXhswrI&list=FLv_8qEqF7eoLD9BO7xhsVnA&index=10&feature=plpp_video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-hXdXhswrI&list=FLv_8qEqF7eoLD9BO7xhsVnA&index=10&feature=plpp_video
CaptainKirk
Banned
THIS THREAD!!!
...I mean that this thread is a joke
...points for originality no?
...I mean that this thread is a joke
...points for originality no?
fresh02_88
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A boy and girl in high school started dating for a while and things were going so well that the girl decided to invite the boy on a weekend trip. She said "I want you to come spend the weekend at our lakehouse and meet my parents. While we're there, I'd also like to take our relationship to the next level." "I'm there" the boy replied.
The boy was so excited that he ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up some protection. He walked up to the pharmacist and told him about his weekend to come and said he needed some condoms. The pharmacist asked "do you want the 3 pack, 6 pack, or family sized 24 pack?" the boy replied " "I plan on getting busy all weekend. I'm not gonna stop pounding her till I'm black and blue. Give me the family pack." "Sure thing" said the pharmacist.
That weekend the boy went to the lakehouse and the whole family was sitting down at the dinner table to pray. the girls father asked the boy to say grace. The boy prayed and prayed. Almost ten minutes went by. Finally, the girl leaned over to the boy and said, "you never told me that you were so religious" the boy replied, "You never told me that your dad was a pharmacist"
The boy was so excited that he ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up some protection. He walked up to the pharmacist and told him about his weekend to come and said he needed some condoms. The pharmacist asked "do you want the 3 pack, 6 pack, or family sized 24 pack?" the boy replied " "I plan on getting busy all weekend. I'm not gonna stop pounding her till I'm black and blue. Give me the family pack." "Sure thing" said the pharmacist.
That weekend the boy went to the lakehouse and the whole family was sitting down at the dinner table to pray. the girls father asked the boy to say grace. The boy prayed and prayed. Almost ten minutes went by. Finally, the girl leaned over to the boy and said, "you never told me that you were so religious" the boy replied, "You never told me that your dad was a pharmacist"
Two hunters are in a tree stand, and one is showing off his new rifle. "Check out the scope on this thing, it's amazing! Incredibly accurate! Hey, check it out, I can see all they way into town!"
"Cool, can you see my house," the other man says. "Hey yeah I can! ... Uh oh, uhhhh man. I hate to tell you this, but I can see your wife. She's in bed with another man." Looking distraught, the husband says "Shoot him in the balls, and her in the face." The first man looks through his scope and says, "I think I can get that with one shot..."
"Cool, can you see my house," the other man says. "Hey yeah I can! ... Uh oh, uhhhh man. I hate to tell you this, but I can see your wife. She's in bed with another man." Looking distraught, the husband says "Shoot him in the balls, and her in the face." The first man looks through his scope and says, "I think I can get that with one shot..."
ohcrapitschris
CAGiversary!
I don't want the free game but wanted to post anyways. Why was the blondes car horn wet? Because she tried to blow her horn.
I ran into Lebron James not too long ago while parking my car at a street meter. Not having any coins, I asked him if he had change for a dollar to which he replied, "sure." So I hand him my dollar, and he hands me back three quarters. I was about to ask him where the rest of my change was, but then I remembered that Lebron James never gives you the fourth quarter.
austenwithane
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Some people are like Slinkies... They're not good for much, but it sure does bring a smile to your face when you push 'em down a flight of stairs.
Amy Winehouse, Jimi Hendrix, and Brian Jones all died at the age of 27. Justin Bieber turns 27 in 2021... Patience...
Little Johnny came home to his dad and told him he was having trouble with the concepts of "In Reality" and "In Theory" in school. His father thought about it for a moment and then told little Johnny to go ask his mother and his sister if they would sleep with a complete stranger for a million dollars.
First Johnny goes to his sister and asks "Hey sis, would you have sex with sosme random guy for a million dollars?"
Sis thinks for a moment and says "A million dollars?? You bet your ass I would!"
Then Johnny asks his mom the same question.
"For a million dollars, I would have sex with anybody!"
So Johnny went back to his dad and told him "Both mom and sis said they would have sex with a stranger for a million dollars, but what does that have to do with my problem?"
"In theory," his father said, "we're sitting on 2 million bucks right now, but in reality... we just live with a couple ofing whores!"
Amy Winehouse, Jimi Hendrix, and Brian Jones all died at the age of 27. Justin Bieber turns 27 in 2021... Patience...
Little Johnny came home to his dad and told him he was having trouble with the concepts of "In Reality" and "In Theory" in school. His father thought about it for a moment and then told little Johnny to go ask his mother and his sister if they would sleep with a complete stranger for a million dollars.
First Johnny goes to his sister and asks "Hey sis, would you have sex with sosme random guy for a million dollars?"
Sis thinks for a moment and says "A million dollars?? You bet your ass I would!"
Then Johnny asks his mom the same question.
"For a million dollars, I would have sex with anybody!"
So Johnny went back to his dad and told him "Both mom and sis said they would have sex with a stranger for a million dollars, but what does that have to do with my problem?"
"In theory," his father said, "we're sitting on 2 million bucks right now, but in reality... we just live with a couple of
ing whores!"
fresh02_88
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So there's a blonde 'n a brunette riding in an elevator when it stops on the 6th floor and a man gets on. Well, they notice that he has some dandruff on his shoulder but politely decline to say anything until the man leaves two floors later. The brunette then turns to the blonde 'n says, "someone needs to give that poor guy some Head 'n Shoulders." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"
fresh02_88
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Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "Im lonely. I wish my friends were back here.
fresh02_88
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The Rich Guys says to the poor guy, I got my wife a diamond necklace and a convertible for X-mas... The poor guy asks the rich guy, why did you get her two gifts... The rich man responds, well if she doesn't like the diamond necklace she can drive to the mall and buy something else... The poor guy says to the rich guy, well I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo... The rich man asks the poor guy why he got her two gifts... The poor guy responds... I got her a pair of flip flops and if she doesn't like it she can go screw herself!
fresh02_88
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Do you have mirrors in your pants? 'Cause I can see myself in them
archangelreb
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There was a media frenzy this week at Disney. Reporters from all around flocked to get an interview with Mickey. The very first reporter asked Mickey we heard you were divorcing Minnie because she was crazy. Mickey said That was absolutely taken out of context. I didn't say I was divorcing Minnie because she was crazy, I said I was divorcing her because she was ing Goofy.
ing Goofy.
Nintendokid54
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
TheAngryCAG
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DarthHannigan
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Name an activity that 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
Gang Rape!
Gang Rape!
bread's done