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Help Avoiding Breaking a Woman's Heart


#1 Tora Chan   Making gainz and taking names CAGiversary!   648 Posts   Joined 6.6 Years Ago  

Posted 17 April 2016 - 06:16 PM

I have found myself in quite a predicament that I never intended to get myself into...

 

I was speaking to an acquaintance of mine at a house party, and we were talking about traveling (something we both enjoy doing). She is an international student here in Florida and she wants to visit Disney World before returning to Japan. I haven't been to Disney World either, so I agreed to go there with her next month.

 

About a week after we made those plans, she suggested that we get together to go over the trip. She also heard about my world famous macaroni & cheese (all of my friends brag about how good it is) and she asked if I could make it for her to try. I agreed and we had dinner together at my apartment.

 

After that, we hung out frequently, with me showing her around our city since she is very introverted and doesn't get out much.

 

One weekend, we went out on a Friday night, and it was raining terribly hard and it was late, so I offered her to stay at my apartment and sleep in my bed while I sleep on the couch, which she agreed to. We went out the next day (Saturday), and after drinking and watching TV shows, it was late again. She hates driving at night (she has bad eyesight) so I said she could stay at my apartment again if she liked. She wanted to, but she suggested that we "share" the bed, because she felt bad about me sleeping on the couch. I protested repeatedly, claiming that the couch wasn't a big deal, but she wouldn't take no for an answer.

 

So I get into the bed, almost at the edge of my side so I wasn't too close to her, but as soon as I laid down she came to my side to cuddle. I wasn't expecting this at all, and I eventually cuddled her too. When we woke up the next morning, still cuddling, she kissed me... and we ended up having sex together.

 

Since then we continued to hang out and do new things in the city, and she would stay over my place and we would sleep together again.

 

But the problem is, she is significantly older than me (she is divorced and has 3 sons, who look close to my age from the pictures she shown me). I'm 25 years old, and I have no idea how old she is (she is very secretive about her age), but she still is a very attractive and "young for her age" looking woman.

 

She graduates in early 2017, and will return to Japan. She told me that while she always enjoys spending time with me, she is afraid that she will need me as a partner to remain happy in her life because she has grown so attracted to me and enjoying our time together.

 

I care about her a lot, but never expected us to get this close. I am not interested in marriage, however I am not a playboy either. Before her I haven't had any girlfriends for years. I know that we have to leave each other eventually, but I don't know what to do between now and then to avoid breaking her heart.

 

 

 

Sorry that this is so long. Any opinions or advice will be appreciated.



#2 blueweltall   Kill the Batman CAGiversary!   6669 Posts   Joined 16.3 Years Ago  

blueweltall

Posted 17 April 2016 - 07:03 PM

Gonna need some pics of that world famous mac and cheese.



#3 G_x51   World Warrior CAGiversary!   2535 Posts   Joined 12.3 Years Ago  

Posted 17 April 2016 - 07:11 PM

keep having sex, maybe video it once. Than forget about it when she leaves and continue playing some games.

#4 Bumslie   Have you ever seen the Boognish? CAGiversary!   5809 Posts   Joined 11.0 Years Ago  

Posted 17 April 2016 - 07:23 PM

Where's the mac & cheese recipe?

#5 Tora Chan   Making gainz and taking names CAGiversary!   648 Posts   Joined 6.6 Years Ago  

Posted 17 April 2016 - 08:39 PM

Where's the mac & cheese recipe?

Its not my personal recipe, but the recipe I use all of the time can be found at "foodwishes.com".

 

It is called the "Thomas Jefferson Mac & Cheese"



#6 DietCokeJunkey   Did I ever tell you what the definition of insanity is? CAGiversary!   1588 Posts   Joined 11.7 Years Ago  

DietCokeJunkey

Posted 17 April 2016 - 08:48 PM

Came here for the comments.

They didn't disappoint.

#7 bigpimpin24   Killamanjaro! CAGiversary!   1230 Posts   Joined 11.8 Years Ago  

bigpimpin24

Posted 17 April 2016 - 08:49 PM

Is this the same one you were trying to buy a guitar for a while back? If so, isn't this what you wanted?



#8 niceguyshawne   Hardcore since '74 CAGiversary!   2510 Posts   Joined 16.4 Years Ago  

niceguyshawne

Posted 17 April 2016 - 09:18 PM

Is this the same one you were trying to buy a guitar for a while back? If so, isn't this what you wanted?


I thought this story sounded familiar.

#9 dohdough   Sum Dum Guy CAGiversary!   6860 Posts   Joined 11.2 Years Ago  

Posted 17 April 2016 - 09:20 PM

 

/thread



#10 eulogywerd21   Jesus wept CAGiversary!   3722 Posts   Joined 11.4 Years Ago  

eulogywerd21

Posted 17 April 2016 - 10:14 PM

... and we ended up having sex together.

This phrasing made me lol

 

Older, nearly blind, but still sexy lady of the Asian persuasion... Keep on hitting that, bro! Seriously, eat it and beat it, just don't mistreat it.

 

Spoiler



#11 WhipSmartBanky   Bring on the free hooch! CAGiversary!   15323 Posts   Joined 17.3 Years Ago  

WhipSmartBanky

Posted 18 April 2016 - 01:22 PM

I fail to see a problem here. 



#12 Tora Chan   Making gainz and taking names CAGiversary!   648 Posts   Joined 6.6 Years Ago  

Posted 18 April 2016 - 01:24 PM

Is this the same one you were trying to buy a guitar for a while back? If so, isn't this what you wanted?

No this isn't the same woman. The "guitar girl" and I became good friends though.



#13 Tora Chan   Making gainz and taking names CAGiversary!   648 Posts   Joined 6.6 Years Ago  

Posted 18 April 2016 - 01:26 PM

This phrasing made me lol

 

Older, nearly blind, but still sexy lady of the Asian persuasion... Keep on hitting that, bro! Seriously, eat it and beat it, just don't mistreat it.

 

Spoiler

 

Words to live by I guess...? LOL



#14 Tora Chan   Making gainz and taking names CAGiversary!   648 Posts   Joined 6.6 Years Ago  

Posted 18 April 2016 - 01:27 PM

I fail to see a problem here. 

RIGHT NOW there isn't a problem... but I don't know what I should do when the time comes for us to part ways (when she goes back to Japan).

 

Also I think I'm too "nice" for my own good... like I'm too much of a gentleman and she continues to say that I'm always sweet to her (which is true), so I'm afraid of doing too much. But at the same time, behaving like that is natural to me, and I can't really force myself to not be as "sweet".



#15 Jodou   Infamous CAGiversary!   15018 Posts   Joined 11.7 Years Ago  

Posted 18 April 2016 - 01:51 PM

Nobody can advise you how you feel about the situation: you either want to pursue her or you don't. Being nice has nothing to do with being honest and women appreciate the truth more than being led on, and vice-versa. Examine your doubts, how you feel when apart, and make a decision. Breaking a heart is inevitable at this stage, but don't let that dictate your future if you're unhappy.

 

Also, communication is key and it sounds like you're struggling on that note. ASK her what her plans are if you two are committed to a relationship and explain your goals or whatever it is you have doubts about. Neither of you should have to give up something important in order to make things work. If you two can't work out a plan that is amicable to both of you, then it's best to part ways now.



#16 dohdough   Sum Dum Guy CAGiversary!   6860 Posts   Joined 11.2 Years Ago  

Posted 18 April 2016 - 01:56 PM

RIGHT NOW there isn't a problem... but I don't know what I should do when the time comes for us to part ways (when she goes back to Japan).

 

Also I think I'm too "nice" for my own good... like I'm too much of a gentleman and she continues to say that I'm always sweet to her (which is true), so I'm afraid of doing too much. But at the same time, behaving like that is natural to me, and I can't really force myself to not be as "sweet".



#17 Tora Chan   Making gainz and taking names CAGiversary!   648 Posts   Joined 6.6 Years Ago  

Posted 18 April 2016 - 01:57 PM

Nobody can advise you how you feel about the situation: you either want to pursue her or you don't. Being nice has nothing to do with being honest and women appreciate the truth more than being led on, and vice-versa. Examine your doubts, how you feel when apart, and make a decision. Breaking a heart is inevitable at this stage, but don't let that dictate your future if you're unhappy.

 

Also, communication is key and it sounds like you're struggling on that note. ASK her what her plans are if you two are committed to a relationship and explain your goals or whatever it is you have doubts about. If you two can't work out a plan that is amicable to both of you, then it's best to part ways now. Neither of you should have to give up something important in order to make things work.

Thanks for the help... I appreciate your advice and will try to communicate better to gauge what we both want.



#18 Tora Chan   Making gainz and taking names CAGiversary!   648 Posts   Joined 6.6 Years Ago  

Posted 18 April 2016 - 02:03 PM

 

/thread

I think this is the perfect YouTube clip for my situation....

 

I cannot thank you enough lol



#19 soulvengeance   Beating dead horses CAGiversary!   4229 Posts   Joined 17.0 Years Ago  

soulvengeance

Posted 18 April 2016 - 02:05 PM

RIGHT NOW there isn't a problem... but I don't know what I should do when the time comes for us to part ways (when she goes back to Japan).

 

Also I think I'm too "nice" for my own good... like I'm too much of a gentleman and she continues to say that I'm always sweet to her (which is true), so I'm afraid of doing too much. But at the same time, behaving like that is natural to me, and I can't really force myself to not be as "sweet"

You had sex with a woman whom you clearly knew was interested in you, but you had no interest in keeping a long term emotional relationship with.  Sorry to say man, but you're not really a gentleman, you're just a normal guy.  Take yourself off of that pedestal.



#20 Tora Chan   Making gainz and taking names CAGiversary!   648 Posts   Joined 6.6 Years Ago  

Posted 18 April 2016 - 02:10 PM

You had sex with a woman whom you clearly knew was interested in you, but you had no interest in keeping a long term emotional relationship with.  Sorry to say man, but you're not really a gentleman, you're just a normal guy.  Take yourself off of that pedestal.

You're right. I should feel more guilty about what I did.

 

I thought being nice (like making dinner and showing her to different places), helping her with things and caring about her well-being throughout the week would make things okay (and make me a gentleman). But maybe I was subconsciously doing those things to avoid feeling guilty....

 

Thanks for your input. I can reevaluate what I've been doing. I completely didn't mean to put myself on a pedestal though, and I apologize if it came off as such.



#21 Navex   The Media Jerk CAGiversary!   1185 Posts   Joined 8.0 Years Ago  

Posted 18 April 2016 - 03:05 PM

Assuming this is is a serious story and not someone trolling (but hey, what the hell, worked all night and still am up why not indulge) I'll share my opinion anyway...

 

You clearly aren't wanting to pursue anything special from her since you said it yourself and you wouldn't be having these musings if you really felt anything. Knock off the fucking around and be clear with her you don't share the same feelings like that. After that if she still wants to roll around in the hay even though she knows you two aren't shacking up permanently together fair game but do not continue messing around with her if she's under the pretense you feel the same way. Even if you're aren't really trying to take advantage of her feelings, it's still leading her on if you're not coming clean with her and waiting until the day before she leaves to give her the news you don't want to be with her. Also, while you haven't really went in-depth with how you two are together or what she's like I think she's jumping the gun on thinking you should be her destined man. You guys have known each other how long? You've been intimate for just a little while? Sounds like someone is acting on impulse and whim rather than heart and logic.



#22 Tora Chan   Making gainz and taking names CAGiversary!   648 Posts   Joined 6.6 Years Ago  

Posted 18 April 2016 - 03:44 PM

Assuming this is is a serious story and not someone trolling (but hey, what the hell, worked all night and still am up why not indulge) I'll share my opinion anyway...

 

You clearly aren't wanting to pursue anything special from her since you said it yourself and you wouldn't be having these musings if you really felt anything. Knock off the fucking around and be clear with her you don't share the same feelings like that. After that if she still wants to roll around in the hay even though she knows you two aren't shacking up permanently together fair game but do not continue messing around with her if she's under the pretense you feel the same way. Even if you're aren't really trying to take advantage of her feelings, it's still leading her on if you're not coming clean with her and waiting until the day before she leaves to give her the news you don't want to be with her. Also, while you haven't really went in-depth with how you two are together or what she's like I think she's jumping the gun on thinking you should be her destined man. You guys have known each other how long? You've been intimate for just a little while? Sounds like someone is acting on impulse and whim rather than heart and logic.

We have been acquaintances for about a year, but haven't really spent time together until a couple of months ago.

 

The entire time I was under the impression that she also knew that nothing between us would be permanent, because we both knew her background (divorced w/ 3 kids + older than me) and also the fact that she would return to Japan eventually. Because I knew that we both understood that, I didn't think I was actually leading her on.

 

But like you and others have said, I need to actually talk with her completely and honestly about everything to see what she would be comfortable with and how things should go between now and when she leaves. I definitely should hash everything out for her sake and also mine, because I don't want to end up being an asshole and hurting someone's feelings.

 

 

Thanks for your input.



#23 Donut2922   Read the OP! CAGiversary!   10091 Posts   Joined 10.2 Years Ago  

Posted 18 April 2016 - 03:52 PM

Just be honest and upfront about your outlook on the relationship immediately. You both have time for each other until early next year and you will both be gone for good by then. In the possibility that she is angling to marry you to enable her to stay in America permanently, you have to be clear with her that you do not expect this relationship to continue any further than early 2017. Hell, you need to be honest that if you were to meet somebody else you may just leave her for a long standing relationship for somebody that lives here. I’m not condemning you for what you’re doing. You can do the “friends with benefits” option so long as both parties are fully aware nobody is committing to each other exclusively. If you were to do this, i'd pat you on the back if anything. It would be good to clarify though that you don’t intend to be involved with two women at the same time. Girls can get crazy too. So to avoid breaking her heart or leading her on, just lay out all your options to her by telling her right now.

#24 Tora Chan   Making gainz and taking names CAGiversary!   648 Posts   Joined 6.6 Years Ago  

Posted 18 April 2016 - 04:06 PM

Just be honest and upfront about your outlook on the relationship immediately. You both have time for each other until early next year and you will both be gone for good by then. In the possibility that she is angling to marry you to enable her to stay in America permanently, you have to be clear with her that you do not expect this relationship to continue any further than early 2017. Hell, you need to be honest that if you were to meet somebody else you may just leave her for a long standing relationship for somebody that lives here. I’m not condemning you for what you’re doing. You can do the “friends with benefits” option so long as both parties are fully aware nobody is committing to each other exclusively. If you were to do this, i'd pat you on the back if anything. It would be good to clarify though that you don’t intend to be involved with two women at the same time. Girls can get crazy too. So to avoid breaking her heart or leading her on, just lay out all your options to her by telling her right now.

Thanks Donut :)

 

We are supposed to have dinner tomorrow, so that will be a good time to have a direct talk about everything.



#25 Donut2922   Read the OP! CAGiversary!   10091 Posts   Joined 10.2 Years Ago  

Posted 18 April 2016 - 05:08 PM

Anytime, bud.

Some more second thoughts: women in general tend to get more emotional about partners they become sexually active with compared to men. I emphasize IN GENERAL. So this may or may not apply to your lady here. Based on what you’ve told us, the only inkling of feelings on her behalf is when you mentioned her fear of dependence on you for happiness. That can be construed as a warning sign she will get overly emotional over you. I want to emphasize my earlier statement that girls can get crazy. My cousin had a somewhat similar situation with a college chick years ago and she was got so hung up over him that it got ugly. Now to pull you back in from an extreme situation, you have to acknowledge that your fear of hurting her feelings will be outweighed by your mutual desire to continue a sexual relationship while understanding the risk that her emotional dependence on you will raise some of the stakes. If you play close attention, you should be able to see how she handles this in time before things escalate. If she decides against this, then at least you did your part in avoiding from hurting her feelings.

#26 Tora Chan   Making gainz and taking names CAGiversary!   648 Posts   Joined 6.6 Years Ago  

Posted 18 April 2016 - 05:20 PM

Anytime, bud.

Some more second thoughts: women in general tend to get more emotional about partners they become sexually active with compared to men. I emphasize IN GENERAL. So this may or may not apply to your lady here. Based on what you’ve told us, the only inkling of feelings on her behalf is when you mentioned her fear of dependence on you for happiness. That can be construed as a warning sign she will get overly emotional over you. I want to emphasize my earlier statement that girls can get crazy. My cousin had a somewhat similar situation with a college chick years ago and she was got so hung up over him that it got ugly. Now to pull you back in from an extreme situation, you have to acknowledge that your fear of hurting her feelings will be outweighed by your mutual desire to continue a sexual relationship while understanding the risk that her emotional dependence on you will raise some of the stakes. If you play close attention, you should be able to see how she handles this in time before things escalate. If she decides against this, then at least you did your part in avoiding from hurting her feelings.

Thanks for such great insight and advice. I feel a lot more confident about this now



#27 Rodimus   I'm Different CAGiversary!   12843 Posts   Joined 16.7 Years Ago  

Posted 18 April 2016 - 06:03 PM

tumblr_inline_mnz08sLR1D1qz4rgp.jpg

 

Getting it on with a cougar and some homemade mac & cheese. Bro, you're doing just fine.

 

Is she Japanese? Chances are she's not going to look a day over 30 till she's 60. That Asian gene is strong.



#28 Tora Chan   Making gainz and taking names CAGiversary!   648 Posts   Joined 6.6 Years Ago  

Posted 18 April 2016 - 06:06 PM

tumblr_inline_mnz08sLR1D1qz4rgp.jpg

 

Getting it on with a cougar and some homemade mac & cheese. Bro, you're doing just fine.

 

Is she Japanese? Chances are she's not going to look a day over 30 till she's 60. That Asian gene is strong.

Nice picture lol

 

Yep she is Japanese. I'm pretty confident that she should definitely be at least 40, but she has the shape of a 20 year old, great hair, and looks a lot younger than 40. When we go out, it isn't immediately noticeable that she is older than me



#29 kenwatanabe   more human than human CAGiversary!   2226 Posts   Joined 12.1 Years Ago  

kenwatanabe

Posted 18 April 2016 - 07:24 PM

2017 is still a long while off yet.. just see how things go and don't sweat it right now.



#30 vrs1650   CAGiversary! CAGiversary!   1052 Posts   Joined 17.2 Years Ago  

Posted 18 April 2016 - 09:57 PM

Hold up, serious question, comment #30 and I will be the first one to say stick it in her butt.