Help Avoiding Breaking a Woman's Heart

Tora Chan

Tora Chan

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I have found myself in quite a predicament that I never intended to get myself into...

I was speaking to an acquaintance of mine at a house party, and we were talking about traveling (something we both enjoy doing). She is an international student here in Florida and she wants to visit Disney World before returning to Japan. I haven't been to Disney World either, so I agreed to go there with her next month.

About a week after we made those plans, she suggested that we get together to go over the trip. She also heard about my world famous macaroni & cheese (all of my friends brag about how good it is) and she asked if I could make it for her to try. I agreed and we had dinner together at my apartment.

After that, we hung out frequently, with me showing her around our city since she is very introverted and doesn't get out much.

One weekend, we went out on a Friday night, and it was raining terribly hard and it was late, so I offered her to stay at my apartment and sleep in my bed while I sleep on the couch, which she agreed to. We went out the next day (Saturday), and after drinking and watching TV shows, it was late again. She hates driving at night (she has bad eyesight) so I said she could stay at my apartment again if she liked. She wanted to, but she suggested that we "share" the bed, because she felt bad about me sleeping on the couch. I protested repeatedly, claiming that the couch wasn't a big deal, but she wouldn't take no for an answer.

So I get into the bed, almost at the edge of my side so I wasn't too close to her, but as soon as I laid down she came to my side to cuddle. I wasn't expecting this at all, and I eventually cuddled her too. When we woke up the next morning, still cuddling, she kissed me... and we ended up having sex together.

Since then we continued to hang out and do new things in the city, and she would stay over my place and we would sleep together again.

But the problem is, she is significantly older than me (she is divorced and has 3 sons, who look close to my age from the pictures she shown me). I'm 25 years old, and I have no idea how old she is (she is very secretive about her age), but she still is a very attractive and "young for her age" looking woman.

She graduates in early 2017, and will return to Japan. She told me that while she always enjoys spending time with me, she is afraid that she will need me as a partner to remain happy in her life because she has grown so attracted to me and enjoying our time together.

I care about her a lot, but never expected us to get this close. I am not interested in marriage, however I am not a playboy either. Before her I haven't had any girlfriends for years. I know that we have to leave each other eventually, but I don't know what to do between now and then to avoid breaking her heart.

Sorry that this is so long. Any opinions or advice will be appreciated.

 
WhipSmartBanky said:
I fail to see a problem here.
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RIGHT NOW there isn't a problem... but I don't know what I should do when the time comes for us to part ways (when she goes back to Japan).

Also I think I'm too "nice" for my own good... like I'm too much of a gentleman and she continues to say that I'm always sweet to her (which is true), so I'm afraid of doing too much. But at the same time, behaving like that is natural to me, and I can't really force myself to not be as "sweet".

 
Nobody can advise you how you feel about the situation: you either want to pursue her or you don't. Being nice has nothing to do with being honest and women appreciate the truth more than being led on, and vice-versa. Examine your doubts, how you feel when apart, and make a decision. Breaking a heart is inevitable at this stage, but don't let that dictate your future if you're unhappy.

Also, communication is key and it sounds like you're struggling on that note. ASK her what her plans are if you two are committed to a relationship and explain your goals or whatever it is you have doubts about. Neither of you should have to give up something important in order to make things work. If you two can't work out a plan that is amicable to both of you, then it's best to part ways now.

 
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Tora Chan said:
RIGHT NOW there isn't a problem... but I don't know what I should do when the time comes for us to part ways (when she goes back to Japan).

Also I think I'm too "nice" for my own good... like I'm too much of a gentleman and she continues to say that I'm always sweet to her (which is true), so I'm afraid of doing too much. But at the same time, behaving like that is natural to me, and I can't really force myself to not be as "sweet".
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GN-klLblvl0

 
Jodou said:
Nobody can advise you how you feel about the situation: you either want to pursue her or you don't. Being nice has nothing to do with being honest and women appreciate the truth more than being led on, and vice-versa. Examine your doubts, how you feel when apart, and make a decision. Breaking a heart is inevitable at this stage, but don't let that dictate your future if you're unhappy.

Also, communication is key and it sounds like you're struggling on that note. ASK her what her plans are if you two are committed to a relationship and explain your goals or whatever it is you have doubts about. If you two can't work out a plan that is amicable to both of you, then it's best to part ways now. Neither of you should have to give up something important in order to make things work.
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Thanks for the help... I appreciate your advice and will try to communicate better to gauge what we both want.

 
Tora Chan said:
RIGHT NOW there isn't a problem... but I don't know what I should do when the time comes for us to part ways (when she goes back to Japan).

Also I think I'm too "nice" for my own good... like I'm too much of a gentleman and she continues to say that I'm always sweet to her (which is true), so I'm afraid of doing too much. But at the same time, behaving like that is natural to me, and I can't really force myself to not be as "sweet"
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You had sex with a woman whom you clearly knew was interested in you, but you had no interest in keeping a long term emotional relationship with. Sorry to say man, but you're not really a gentleman, you're just a normal guy. Take yourself off of that pedestal.

 
soulvengeance said:
You had sex with a woman whom you clearly knew was interested in you, but you had no interest in keeping a long term emotional relationship with. Sorry to say man, but you're not really a gentleman, you're just a normal guy. Take yourself off of that pedestal.
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You're right. I should feel more guilty about what I did.

I thought being nice (like making dinner and showing her to different places), helping her with things and caring about her well-being throughout the week would make things okay (and make me a gentleman). But maybe I was subconsciously doing those things to avoid feeling guilty....

Thanks for your input. I can reevaluate what I've been doing. I completely didn't mean to put myself on a pedestal though, and I apologize if it came off as such.

 
Assuming this is is a serious story and not someone trolling (but hey, what the hell, worked all night and still am up why not indulge) I'll share my opinion anyway...

You clearly aren't wanting to pursue anything special from her since you said it yourself and you wouldn't be having these musings if you really felt anything. Knock off the fucking around and be clear with her you don't share the same feelings like that. After that if she still wants to roll around in the hay even though she knows you two aren't shacking up permanently together fair game but do not continue messing around with her if she's under the pretense you feel the same way. Even if you're aren't really trying to take advantage of her feelings, it's still leading her on if you're not coming clean with her and waiting until the day before she leaves to give her the news you don't want to be with her. Also, while you haven't really went in-depth with how you two are together or what she's like I think she's jumping the gun on thinking you should be her destined man. You guys have known each other how long? You've been intimate for just a little while? Sounds like someone is acting on impulse and whim rather than heart and logic.

 
Navex said:
Assuming this is is a serious story and not someone trolling (but hey, what the hell, worked all night and still am up why not indulge) I'll share my opinion anyway...

You clearly aren't wanting to pursue anything special from her since you said it yourself and you wouldn't be having these musings if you really felt anything. Knock off the fucking around and be clear with her you don't share the same feelings like that. After that if she still wants to roll around in the hay even though she knows you two aren't shacking up permanently together fair game but do not continue messing around with her if she's under the pretense you feel the same way. Even if you're aren't really trying to take advantage of her feelings, it's still leading her on if you're not coming clean with her and waiting until the day before she leaves to give her the news you don't want to be with her. Also, while you haven't really went in-depth with how you two are together or what she's like I think she's jumping the gun on thinking you should be her destined man. You guys have known each other how long? You've been intimate for just a little while? Sounds like someone is acting on impulse and whim rather than heart and logic.
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We have been acquaintances for about a year, but haven't really spent time together until a couple of months ago.

The entire time I was under the impression that she also knew that nothing between us would be permanent, because we both knew her background (divorced w/ 3 kids + older than me) and also the fact that she would return to Japan eventually. Because I knew that we both understood that, I didn't think I was actually leading her on.

But like you and others have said, I need to actually talk with her completely and honestly about everything to see what she would be comfortable with and how things should go between now and when she leaves. I definitely should hash everything out for her sake and also mine, because I don't want to end up being an asshole and hurting someone's feelings.

Thanks for your input.

 
Just be honest and upfront about your outlook on the relationship immediately. You both have time for each other until early next year and you will both be gone for good by then. In the possibility that she is angling to marry you to enable her to stay in America permanently, you have to be clear with her that you do not expect this relationship to continue any further than early 2017. Hell, you need to be honest that if you were to meet somebody else you may just leave her for a long standing relationship for somebody that lives here. I’m not condemning you for what you’re doing. You can do the “friends with benefits” option so long as both parties are fully aware nobody is committing to each other exclusively. If you were to do this, i'd pat you on the back if anything. It would be good to clarify though that you don’t intend to be involved with two women at the same time. Girls can get crazy too. So to avoid breaking her heart or leading her on, just lay out all your options to her by telling her right now.
 
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Donut2922 said:
Just be honest and upfront about your outlook on the relationship immediately. You both have time for each other until early next year and you will both be gone for good by then. In the possibility that she is angling to marry you to enable her to stay in America permanently, you have to be clear with her that you do not expect this relationship to continue any further than early 2017. Hell, you need to be honest that if you were to meet somebody else you may just leave her for a long standing relationship for somebody that lives here. I’m not condemning you for what you’re doing. You can do the “friends with benefits” option so long as both parties are fully aware nobody is committing to each other exclusively. If you were to do this, i'd pat you on the back if anything. It would be good to clarify though that you don’t intend to be involved with two women at the same time. Girls can get crazy too. So to avoid breaking her heart or leading her on, just lay out all your options to her by telling her right now.
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Thanks Donut :)

We are supposed to have dinner tomorrow, so that will be a good time to have a direct talk about everything.

 
Anytime, bud.

Some more second thoughts: women in general tend to get more emotional about partners they become sexually active with compared to men. I emphasize IN GENERAL. So this may or may not apply to your lady here. Based on what you’ve told us, the only inkling of feelings on her behalf is when you mentioned her fear of dependence on you for happiness. That can be construed as a warning sign she will get overly emotional over you. I want to emphasize my earlier statement that girls can get crazy. My cousin had a somewhat similar situation with a college chick years ago and she was got so hung up over him that it got ugly. Now to pull you back in from an extreme situation, you have to acknowledge that your fear of hurting her feelings will be outweighed by your mutual desire to continue a sexual relationship while understanding the risk that her emotional dependence on you will raise some of the stakes. If you play close attention, you should be able to see how she handles this in time before things escalate. If she decides against this, then at least you did your part in avoiding from hurting her feelings.
 
Donut2922 said:
Anytime, bud.

Some more second thoughts: women in general tend to get more emotional about partners they become sexually active with compared to men. I emphasize IN GENERAL. So this may or may not apply to your lady here. Based on what you’ve told us, the only inkling of feelings on her behalf is when you mentioned her fear of dependence on you for happiness. That can be construed as a warning sign she will get overly emotional over you. I want to emphasize my earlier statement that girls can get crazy. My cousin had a somewhat similar situation with a college chick years ago and she was got so hung up over him that it got ugly. Now to pull you back in from an extreme situation, you have to acknowledge that your fear of hurting her feelings will be outweighed by your mutual desire to continue a sexual relationship while understanding the risk that her emotional dependence on you will raise some of the stakes. If you play close attention, you should be able to see how she handles this in time before things escalate. If she decides against this, then at least you did your part in avoiding from hurting her feelings.
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Thanks for such great insight and advice. I feel a lot more confident about this now

 
tumblr_inline_mnz08sLR1D1qz4rgp.jpg


Getting it on with a cougar and some homemade mac & cheese. Bro, you're doing just fine.

Is she Japanese? Chances are she's not going to look a day over 30 till she's 60. That Asian gene is strong.

 
Rodimus said:
tumblr_inline_mnz08sLR1D1qz4rgp.jpg


Getting it on with a cougar and some homemade mac & cheese. Bro, you're doing just fine.

Is she Japanese? Chances are she's not going to look a day over 30 till she's 60. That Asian gene is strong.
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Nice picture lol

Yep she is Japanese. I'm pretty confident that she should definitely be at least 40, but she has the shape of a 20 year old, great hair, and looks a lot younger than 40. When we go out, it isn't immediately noticeable that she is older than me

 
pitfallharry219 said:
Why do you come off like you try to attach yourself to every Japanese woman you meet?
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I have many Japanese friends in my city, and they are pretty much the only type of people I spend time around (ironically, I know very few Americans in an American city).

So I guess its just inevitable that Japanese women would be at the top of my interaction pool

 
Any way you tell her I think would hurt her in some way, but from what you described I would have always viewed the "relationship" as casual. I would probably stop the sleepovers as that'll make her more attached, if you still want sex then recommend the booty call approach?
 
Tora Chan said:
You're right. I should feel more guilty about what I did.

I thought being nice (like making dinner and showing her to different places), helping her with things and caring about her well-being throughout the week would make things okay (and make me a gentleman). But maybe I was subconsciously doing those things to avoid feeling guilty....

Thanks for your input. I can reevaluate what I've been doing. I completely didn't mean to put myself on a pedestal though, and I apologize if it came off as such.
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Guilty for what? You are 25 and she is 40+ it sounds? She isn't some young girl you took advantage of. Two adults had sex. BFD

Just let her know you don't want to move to Japan. She should be able to figure out this is just something for now and will end when she moves back home. If you both still want to hang out and hook up great. If not no big deal.

 
billyrox said:
Got to this thread late, what happened after the dinner that you told her? ARe you still alive?
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Yes, I'm still alive :)

I spoke with her and explained that I do not want any long-term relationships in my future (I was anti-marriage/long term relationship before knowing her) and explained that my career would be more important to me.

She said that she understood, and that she wants to enjoy spending time with me and being close/intimate until she graduates and has to return to Japan. I said the same thing, that I enjoy spending time with her and being intimate.

So we reached an understanding with each other and hopefully things can continue to go well up until she has to leave.

 
If you think she says "I can't live without you" after a short time and then spends the next year with you just to say "Later" at the end, then you're gonna have a bad time.

A bad time that ends with a love knife.

 
Tora Chan said:
Yes, I'm still alive :)

I spoke with her and explained that I do not want any long-term relationships in my future (I was anti-marriage/long term relationship before knowing her) and explained that my career would be more important to me.

She said that she understood, and that she wants to enjoy spending time with me and being close/intimate until she graduates and has to return to Japan. I said the same thing, that I enjoy spending time with her and being intimate.

So we reached an understanding with each other and hopefully things can continue to go well up until she has to leave.
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There is absolutely no way that this could go wrong...haha

I hope you're using rubbers that you personally buy...just in case.

 
Tora Chan said:
Yes, I'm still alive :)

I spoke with her and explained that I do not want any long-term relationships in my future (I was anti-marriage/long term relationship before knowing her) and explained that my career would be more important to me.

She said that she understood, and that she wants to enjoy spending time with me and being close/intimate until she graduates and has to return to Japan. I said the same thing, that I enjoy spending time with her and being intimate.

So we reached an understanding with each other and hopefully things can continue to go well up until she has to leave.
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Had a similar situation not long ago. I told her that I did not want to be in a serious relationship and she said she was fine with that. I was fine with it also, she had some tig O' biddies.

Maybe I was paranoid, but she kept throwing out hints that she wanted to be more serious. I reiterated that things were not going anywhere and she said "I was hoping you would change your mind". She then claimed that she was still fine with just hooking up. Weeks later she starts in again with the hints and comments. I finally decided it was always going to be like this and cut things off.

I decided to do this because it was going to be better for her in the long run, and also potentially better for me (she has one kid and made comments that she wants two more). I didn't want a LTR with her and certainly didn't want a "tie him down" baby. There were things she did that made me not trust her 100%, but I'm not writing a short story here.

Not saying this is what you should do, but just keep in mind she might be thinking you just need more convincing and will say whatever to keep you around.

 
pitfallharry219 said:
If you think she says "I can't live without you" after a short time and then spends the next year with you just to say "Later" at the end, then you're gonna have a bad time.

A bad time that ends with a love knife.
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She didn't exactly say that she couldn't live without me; just that she was afraid of reaching the point where she MAY think that way... that made me think that she will control her feelings and expectations to avoid reaching that point

 
dohdough said:
There is absolutely no way that this could go wrong...haha

I hope you're using rubbers that you personally buy...just in case.
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I hope it doesn't go wrong!!

I think she said she can no longer have children (maybe because of menopause?), but I am using condoms anyway just in case.

 
Invicta 61 said:
Had a similar situation not long ago. I told her that I did not want to be in a serious relationship and she said she was fine with that. I was fine with it also, she had some tig O' biddies.

Maybe I was paranoid, but she kept throwing out hints that she wanted to be more serious. I reiterated that things were not going anywhere and she said "I was hoping you would change your mind". She then claimed that she was still fine with just hooking up. Weeks later she starts in again with the hints and comments. I finally decided it was always going to be like this and cut things off.

I decided to do this because it was going to be better for her in the long run, and also potentially better for me (she has one kid and made comments that she wants two more). I didn't want a LTR with her and certainly didn't want a "tie him down" baby. There were things she did that made me not trust her 100%, but I'm not writing a short story here.

Not saying this is what you should do, but just keep in mind she might be thinking you just need more convincing and will say whatever to keep you around.
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"tig ol' biddies" LMAO XD

Yeah things are perfect now, but I agree that I should prepare to potentially cut things off if they get out of control, for her sake and for my sake.

 
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