JaytheGamefan
CAGiversary!
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Brock was AWESOME as WWE Champion and Goldberg was capable of having good matches, and had some of the most enjoyable squashes ever thanks to his intensity. Goldberg was smart to sit at home and get paid big money, plus, he worked for All Japan after that ran out, so it wasn't like he just did nothing between WCW and WWE.
Impact thoughts -
God, the opening segment just sucked. Immortal came out to celebrate...I guess Abyss no longer being saddled by the X Title, for some reason, there was a card table, they all had tuxes on. Hogan looked a lot younger in one, while Bischoff still looked 60 and Abyss looked more like Mankind. Anderson's camo tux was hilarious, and was funnier when Taz said that the world champion of the company would look snazzy next to a tree. Bischoff talked about getting all the hot chicks that came out with them in bed, which would've at least been believable 15 years ago when he looked young. Anderson said nothing of note, same with Hogan, then Sting came out and Hogan said that he would strip off his tux and teach Sting a lesson he'd never been taught before...and make him go down. Hulkster's a bender, brother. Oh and Sting revealed his clowns in the rafters, which reminded me of Killer Klowns from Outer Space. So I'm sure we'll get at least one member of Immortal wrapped in a giant cylinder of cotton candy before this angle ends. Or Abyss's new weapon of death will be a giant ray gun. Wait, wait...I've got it! Gunner's full name! RAY GUNNER! This segment sucked, but as was at least really funny in a lot of ways it should've have been - especially since it was followed up by an Extenze ad.
Roode-Pope-Joe was pretty decent. It's a shame EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM GOT A JOBBER ENTRANCE. Match wasn't given a lot of time, maybe six or so minutes, but was fine. I'm glad the finish with Joe pinning himself was like Piper or Austin pinning themselves against Bret - reading the spoilers made it seem like he was just lying on his back during the move, instead, he was beaten by Roode launching himself off the buckles. Then Joe yelled at Earl and they bleeped every other word. At least unlike their bar vids, you could actually see this. Still a chore for the ears until the Jarretts returned and Taz said they bought a sombrero store. 30 minutes in and this OMG BIGGEST IMPACT EVER is falling a tad short of expectations, unless they were to actually induce midsummer nightmares.
Jeff celebrating with giant somberos, ARIBAS for all, and a Mexican flag stickered AAA World Mega Heavyweight title was just awesome. Then Devon yelled at Pope for helping him. What an asshole. More of Jeff and Karen - they're the only two people in TNA who are happy. Even Anderson looked miserable and he's the world champion. Maybe he realized he was Ken Anderson and had a Kenny Powers-ish breakdown and thought about where he once was - Mr. Money in the Bank, and now he's main eventing a show in a theme park with clowns above him.
40 minutes in and we got a DVD ad for Immortal Forever? with an exclamation point on TWO DISCS. TWO DISCS OF IMMORTAL! Like that's a good thing. They appeared to re-interview Dixie for this - nice of her to kindly invite a TNA film crew into her office after they took her company. Then something better - a quick recap of that show that happened on Sunday with them flippy do guys set to a bad rap song. Highlights including Abyss beating up Kendrick and no-selling his offense. This set up Moore-Aries, who despite BEING IN THE COMPANY FOR YEARS BEFORE, still had real theme or entrance video. The match itself was pretty fun, and showcased some fun Aries spots. Could've done without Aries not even being able to beat SHANNON MOORE cleanly, instead having to use the chain from the book of DILLIGAF to win. Then Shelley protested, the ref did nothing...so yeah he's pretty stupid. At least it sets up Shelley-Aries. Abyss swore revenge on Kendrick, then got beat up by a clown. This is the first of what I'm fearing with be a million clown beatings and I'm already tired of it.
Shelley cut an okay promo that was cut off by something, then Aries cut a better one about being a poet who didn't even know it, and then Madison recapped her Z-level angle with Tara, which was good since it was last touched on TWO MONTHS AGO, which is like 20 years in Impact Time. BFG ad certainly set that up as the one PPV to buy of the year. A clown attacked Steiner as he was busy trying to score with Val. Yup. Definitely tired of the clowns. Madison's new blue camo skirt gear is awesome. SHE MUST WEAR THIS FOREVER. Then Tara rode maybe five feet into the arena area with the motorcycle. Kinda kills the whole point of the gimmick when she could basically walk the bike up there and accomplish the same goal. Match was decent by Knockouts standards, and I liked that Tara actually got to win. Plus, Madison got all bouncy during the spider reveal, so yeah, this was fine. Angle's promo was good, and made me want to see him face either guy again. Jeff running from clowns and making Karen carry the luggage AND open the car to load it in was great...Then he got beat up by a clown and Karen yelped. This got annoying. It was like Peg Pundy going "AAAAALLLL!", but longer. Desmond Wolfe still being in the action figure ad amused me.
British Invasion vs. Mexican America was the best MA match yet, although I was scared when Hernandez was in there with Williams. Him spiking Douglas on his head really turned my on him as a worker, and he still just throws people around without a care in the world. Loved the double team offense of the Brits, and Magnus has a swank flying elbow off the top. A lot of guys do that move, not many do it well, but he does it beautifully. Mexicans won, which isn't what I wanted, but it is at least a fresh match. Gunner giving Bully Ray a pep talk was great, and then got better when Bully stayed behind to let Gunner get killed. Bully looked swank AND thin in his tux. I think he's the one older guy in TNA who really wants to try and take advantage of the opportunity he's been given. Kendrick cut a promo in wacky video form. Goddamn it. Thankfully, Shelley was also in this to build up their PPV match. Then they ran down the card for next week, which sure seemed a billion times bigger than this one, which had ONE match announced, while next week's has four matches announced, two of them being title matches, one being RVD-Steiner, and one being a four-way ladder match. Then Gunner, who is supposed to be a heel, valiantly tried to fight for his life against four guys dressed as clowns armed with baseball bats. Oh, and the clowns unmasked to reveal themselves as Fortune. Fortune was literally portrayed as a bunch of clowns tonight.
Somehow, they thought this was a great way to set up the world title match - FOR ALL THE POWER THAT GOES ALONG WITH IT, as Tenay said. What power that is, I'm not sure, because Sting was still underneath Hogan and Bischoff. Anderson NOT doing his usual intro made me like him more. JB's intro was fine, although given all the Extenze ads on the show and its geriatric cast of characters, I'm astonished it wasn't noted as the sponsor of the main event, like Rent a Center was for Hogan's lone TNA match. Loved JB saying that Sting was weighed in earlier in the morning - like the nutjob who is randomly attacking anyone and anything would just allow himself to be weighed by a TNA official. Maybe he tweeted him his weight and they took his word for it. Seeing the new TNA title in HD for the first time really reminded me of WWE's gold with silver-trim version of the Big Gold that they wound up not being able to use much for Flair.
Sting needs a new singlet to better reflect this goofy character, although anything other than the bland black with giant tanktop portion would be an improvement. Looks way way way too plain for Sting, who has always had fantastic-looking gear. The match was boring - very slow and plodding, although it least had a story of Anderson attacking the knee and then culminating in doing the scorpion death lock, which failed, so he went to do more damage and then do a half crab. Probably should've reverse the order of the submissions there. Sting did one shitty Stun Gun, but did the Mic Check better than Anderson, so I'll blame the Stun Gun on Anderson not going up for it. And then Sting won with the help of a MYSTERY EVIL CLOWN, and it only took a ref bump and two run ins to get the job done. Angle revealed himself as the new evil clown and looked like like a hobo in a Sting shirt. This show was largely terrible, although like the Christmas show in '07, amusing because of the absolute absurdity of the bullshit that happened. You know what's really sad? There was some decent wrestling and I just don't care about it because there's no reason to. No matter what the company's freshly-coined catchphrase is, whether it's "WE ARE WRESTLING" during the Christmas Impact days or WRESTLING MATTERS now as clowns fill the screen, wrestling will never matter again in TNA until Russo is gone.
Screens -
TNA World Champion...
...who I guess would rather be at a BBQ or something.
The number one contender!
...who you might want to keep your kids away from.
Quotes -
Impact thoughts -
God, the opening segment just sucked. Immortal came out to celebrate...I guess Abyss no longer being saddled by the X Title, for some reason, there was a card table, they all had tuxes on. Hogan looked a lot younger in one, while Bischoff still looked 60 and Abyss looked more like Mankind. Anderson's camo tux was hilarious, and was funnier when Taz said that the world champion of the company would look snazzy next to a tree. Bischoff talked about getting all the hot chicks that came out with them in bed, which would've at least been believable 15 years ago when he looked young. Anderson said nothing of note, same with Hogan, then Sting came out and Hogan said that he would strip off his tux and teach Sting a lesson he'd never been taught before...and make him go down. Hulkster's a bender, brother. Oh and Sting revealed his clowns in the rafters, which reminded me of Killer Klowns from Outer Space. So I'm sure we'll get at least one member of Immortal wrapped in a giant cylinder of cotton candy before this angle ends. Or Abyss's new weapon of death will be a giant ray gun. Wait, wait...I've got it! Gunner's full name! RAY GUNNER! This segment sucked, but as was at least really funny in a lot of ways it should've have been - especially since it was followed up by an Extenze ad.
Roode-Pope-Joe was pretty decent. It's a shame EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM GOT A JOBBER ENTRANCE. Match wasn't given a lot of time, maybe six or so minutes, but was fine. I'm glad the finish with Joe pinning himself was like Piper or Austin pinning themselves against Bret - reading the spoilers made it seem like he was just lying on his back during the move, instead, he was beaten by Roode launching himself off the buckles. Then Joe yelled at Earl and they bleeped every other word. At least unlike their bar vids, you could actually see this. Still a chore for the ears until the Jarretts returned and Taz said they bought a sombrero store. 30 minutes in and this OMG BIGGEST IMPACT EVER is falling a tad short of expectations, unless they were to actually induce midsummer nightmares.
Jeff celebrating with giant somberos, ARIBAS for all, and a Mexican flag stickered AAA World Mega Heavyweight title was just awesome. Then Devon yelled at Pope for helping him. What an asshole. More of Jeff and Karen - they're the only two people in TNA who are happy. Even Anderson looked miserable and he's the world champion. Maybe he realized he was Ken Anderson and had a Kenny Powers-ish breakdown and thought about where he once was - Mr. Money in the Bank, and now he's main eventing a show in a theme park with clowns above him.
40 minutes in and we got a DVD ad for Immortal Forever? with an exclamation point on TWO DISCS. TWO DISCS OF IMMORTAL! Like that's a good thing. They appeared to re-interview Dixie for this - nice of her to kindly invite a TNA film crew into her office after they took her company. Then something better - a quick recap of that show that happened on Sunday with them flippy do guys set to a bad rap song. Highlights including Abyss beating up Kendrick and no-selling his offense. This set up Moore-Aries, who despite BEING IN THE COMPANY FOR YEARS BEFORE, still had real theme or entrance video. The match itself was pretty fun, and showcased some fun Aries spots. Could've done without Aries not even being able to beat SHANNON MOORE cleanly, instead having to use the chain from the book of DILLIGAF to win. Then Shelley protested, the ref did nothing...so yeah he's pretty stupid. At least it sets up Shelley-Aries. Abyss swore revenge on Kendrick, then got beat up by a clown. This is the first of what I'm fearing with be a million clown beatings and I'm already tired of it.
Shelley cut an okay promo that was cut off by something, then Aries cut a better one about being a poet who didn't even know it, and then Madison recapped her Z-level angle with Tara, which was good since it was last touched on TWO MONTHS AGO, which is like 20 years in Impact Time. BFG ad certainly set that up as the one PPV to buy of the year. A clown attacked Steiner as he was busy trying to score with Val. Yup. Definitely tired of the clowns. Madison's new blue camo skirt gear is awesome. SHE MUST WEAR THIS FOREVER. Then Tara rode maybe five feet into the arena area with the motorcycle. Kinda kills the whole point of the gimmick when she could basically walk the bike up there and accomplish the same goal. Match was decent by Knockouts standards, and I liked that Tara actually got to win. Plus, Madison got all bouncy during the spider reveal, so yeah, this was fine. Angle's promo was good, and made me want to see him face either guy again. Jeff running from clowns and making Karen carry the luggage AND open the car to load it in was great...Then he got beat up by a clown and Karen yelped. This got annoying. It was like Peg Pundy going "AAAAALLLL!", but longer. Desmond Wolfe still being in the action figure ad amused me.
British Invasion vs. Mexican America was the best MA match yet, although I was scared when Hernandez was in there with Williams. Him spiking Douglas on his head really turned my on him as a worker, and he still just throws people around without a care in the world. Loved the double team offense of the Brits, and Magnus has a swank flying elbow off the top. A lot of guys do that move, not many do it well, but he does it beautifully. Mexicans won, which isn't what I wanted, but it is at least a fresh match. Gunner giving Bully Ray a pep talk was great, and then got better when Bully stayed behind to let Gunner get killed. Bully looked swank AND thin in his tux. I think he's the one older guy in TNA who really wants to try and take advantage of the opportunity he's been given. Kendrick cut a promo in wacky video form. Goddamn it. Thankfully, Shelley was also in this to build up their PPV match. Then they ran down the card for next week, which sure seemed a billion times bigger than this one, which had ONE match announced, while next week's has four matches announced, two of them being title matches, one being RVD-Steiner, and one being a four-way ladder match. Then Gunner, who is supposed to be a heel, valiantly tried to fight for his life against four guys dressed as clowns armed with baseball bats. Oh, and the clowns unmasked to reveal themselves as Fortune. Fortune was literally portrayed as a bunch of clowns tonight.
Somehow, they thought this was a great way to set up the world title match - FOR ALL THE POWER THAT GOES ALONG WITH IT, as Tenay said. What power that is, I'm not sure, because Sting was still underneath Hogan and Bischoff. Anderson NOT doing his usual intro made me like him more. JB's intro was fine, although given all the Extenze ads on the show and its geriatric cast of characters, I'm astonished it wasn't noted as the sponsor of the main event, like Rent a Center was for Hogan's lone TNA match. Loved JB saying that Sting was weighed in earlier in the morning - like the nutjob who is randomly attacking anyone and anything would just allow himself to be weighed by a TNA official. Maybe he tweeted him his weight and they took his word for it. Seeing the new TNA title in HD for the first time really reminded me of WWE's gold with silver-trim version of the Big Gold that they wound up not being able to use much for Flair.
Sting needs a new singlet to better reflect this goofy character, although anything other than the bland black with giant tanktop portion would be an improvement. Looks way way way too plain for Sting, who has always had fantastic-looking gear. The match was boring - very slow and plodding, although it least had a story of Anderson attacking the knee and then culminating in doing the scorpion death lock, which failed, so he went to do more damage and then do a half crab. Probably should've reverse the order of the submissions there. Sting did one shitty Stun Gun, but did the Mic Check better than Anderson, so I'll blame the Stun Gun on Anderson not going up for it. And then Sting won with the help of a MYSTERY EVIL CLOWN, and it only took a ref bump and two run ins to get the job done. Angle revealed himself as the new evil clown and looked like like a hobo in a Sting shirt. This show was largely terrible, although like the Christmas show in '07, amusing because of the absolute absurdity of the bullshit that happened. You know what's really sad? There was some decent wrestling and I just don't care about it because there's no reason to. No matter what the company's freshly-coined catchphrase is, whether it's "WE ARE WRESTLING" during the Christmas Impact days or WRESTLING MATTERS now as clowns fill the screen, wrestling will never matter again in TNA until Russo is gone.
Screens -
TNA World Champion...
...who I guess would rather be at a BBQ or something.
The number one contender!
...who you might want to keep your kids away from.
Quotes -
Tenay - Immortal’s dressed to the nines.
Taz - The other half of Abyss’s tux must be at the tailor. Even Bully Ray’s in a tux! Looks like my uncle!
Tenay - What’s the deal with the card table in the ring?
Eric - I’m in such a festive mood tonight. You see beautiful women, the card table…you think Immortal’s gonna play truth or dare? NAH. Hulkster Says…could be a winner. The table’s here because we’re gonna gamble with peoples’ career. Ya know why… Hulkster…
Hogan - WE CAN, BROTHER!
Eric - We’re dressed in this festive spirit because Ken Anderson threw himself a party and no one came. Kinda like premature epartilation! We’re gonna make it up to you! We’ll throw you a party you’ll never forget! You’re part of our family, and when you’re part of our family, that comes with love, respect, dignity, and most of all, SOLIDARITY! Ken, you’re a part of our family, and we’ll celebrate you being OUR world champion, and leave here tonight as THE IMMORTAL WORLD CHAMPION!
Taz - CAMO TUX! The world champ would look snazzy standing next to a tree.
Hogan - I love the look, my brother. You’ve been called a lot of things in the short time you’ve been in this business, and we haven’t seen eye to eye. It’s been a rocky road with us seeing things the same way, but the one thing that’s been a constant between us is the fact that you and I have always strived to be the best we could be. Now, I JUST WANNA CALL YA CHAMP AND FORMALLY WELCOME YA INTO OUR FAMILY!
Anderson - Thank you. Guys, too much. Too kind. Far too kind. Ya know, thanks, and you’re right - we haven’t seen eye to eye and we won’t see eye to eye 100 percent of the time. Is me joining this family a gamble? Yeah, but as long as I remain the ace in freakin spades, like you and you promised me, that’s a gamble I’m willing to take!
Sting - Gamble? DID I HEAR SOMEONE SAY GAMBLE!?
Eric - Sting, I don’t know what you’re up to. Forget about our history over the past 20 years, I’ve always respected you, but this is IT! This is nuts! You accuse me of being cancer? YOU’VE BECOME THE CANCER AND TONIGHT, MR. ANDERSON IS THE MAN THAT WILL TAKE THE CANCER OUT ONCE AND FOR ALL, YA FREAK!
Sting - Would ya like to bet me on that!? I’VE GOT A POKER TABLE HERE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I see things coming out different than you. I SEE ME BECOMING THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ONCE AGAIN! AND! THUS KICKING OFF MY CRUSADE TO BRING THE COMPANY BACK TO ITS RIGHTFUL OWNER, DIXIE CARTER!
Hogan - DON’T PUSH IT ANY FARTHER OR ELSE I’LL STRIP THIS TUX OFF AND TEACH YOU A LESSON YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TAUGHT BEFORE. YOU’RE GOING ALL THE WAY DOWN!
Sting - NO NO NO NO! Even I’m starting to worry about me. Hulkamania, you’re wrong! I’ve got all kinds of aces in the hole! I’ve got the network ace! NETWORK ACE! I RECALL THAT THE NETWORK TOLD YOU AND BISCHOFF THAT YOU’RE ON A SHORT LEASH, THIN ICE, NOT A LOT OF ROOM FOR ERROR ANYMORE! Let’s say there’s someone with more bite than my little bark - woof woof! I AM GOING TO LEAVE HERE TONIGHT THE NEW WORLD CHAMPION! LOOK AT MY MAGIC BULLET ACES! KNOW WHY THEY’RE MAGIC!? CUZ THEY’LL APPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE! SEE!? (clowns appear in the rafters)
Tenay - EVIL CLOWNS IN THE RAFTERS! HE’S TURNING THE IMPACT ZONE INTO A FUNHOUSE!
Bully - THE SECOND HALF OF MY CAREER SHOULD TELL YOU HOW SERIOUS I’M TAKING EVERYTHING!
Morgan - WINS FINALLY MATTER!
Tenay - The Jarretts are back from Mexico!
Taz - And they bought a sombrero store!
Hogan - CUT THE HEAD OFF STING TONIGHT!
Eric - Do it carefully - we’re professionals. So something bad can happen to Sting, but it can’t come back to us!
Abyss - Let’s make it happen!
Eric - That’s ironic, considering that you had a chance to end the X division and you failed! It needs to get done this time!
Jarrett - ARIBA!
Karen - ERIC, DID YOU MISS US!?
Jarrett - Didn’t you say that we should look at the glass half full!?
Taz - Quick arm drag by the Mohawk madman!
Tenay - The morale of the X division is at all-time high!
Abyss - Hogan and Eric are disgruntled with me AND RIGHTFULLY SO. KENDRICK, THAT STRAP OF GOLD BELONGS TO ME. I’M GETTING IT BACK AND I’M NOT WAITING FOR THE REMATCH! TONIGHT, I’M GETTING MY TITLE BACK FOR IMMORTAL! (a clown beats him up)
Aries - I can’t be beat. I’m a poet and didn’t even know it.
Taz - WHAT’S IN THE BOX!? OPEN DA BOX!
Taz - Tara’s face went face-first into the apron!
Taz - Madison’s gonna open Tara’s box!
Taz - When Madison saw Poison, she bugged out. Or freaked out.
Tenay - Bugged out’s better.
Taz - Pun intended.
Magnus - What matters is WRESTLING! And winning the tag titles.
Douglas - And now’s the time to do it - the BFG series is going and there are 12 guys who would normally be going after them.
Magnus - Including the champions.
Angle - I STAND BEFORE YOU TONIGHT THE NUMBER 1 CONTENDER AND I WILL GET MY TITLE SHOT AUGUST 7 AT HARDCORE JUSTICE IN THE MAIN EVENT. The question is who will my opponent be!? Well, it depends on what goes on tonight - but for my reasons, I’d pick Anderson! Ya see, him and I have history. Ken, you remember last year, the cage match at Lockdown!? I do! And don’t think I forgot about what you did to me last week - ya left me laying and joined Immortal! So Ken, you wanna turn your back on me, I guarantee ya one thing. I’m coming after you whether you win or lose, and I’m gonna hurt you! Now there’s Sting! Sting and I, we’ve had a lot of history. Does everyone remember the MEM? Sting, you remember the empty arena match? To this day fans have told me it’s one of the greatest matches they’ve ever seen. There wasn’t a winner, and to take it a step further - I’ve never beaten you in my career. That’s a tough pill to swallow, and it pisses me off. It makes me want to kick your ass more. I’ll be backstage tonight as an innocent bystander, but at Hardcore Justice, I’m walking out the Impact Wrestling World Heavyweight Champion!
Jeff - C’MON KAREN, WE GOTTA GO! THIS KINDA STUFF DOESN’T HAPPEN IN MEXICO!
Karen - WOAH, GOD! JEFFF!
Taz - This could get monkey-butt ugly!
Tenay - No Sarita and Rosita because as the Brits said, they should leave Los Prostitutos at home!
Taz - THE BRITISH ARE COMING! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!
Shelley - Detroit needs heroes, and we need championships, too.
Gunner - COME ON YA STUPID SON OF A BITCHES!
Taz - I think Sting might be crazed like a fox, like how he orchestrated all the clown attacks with Fortune.
Taz - It’s Bully Ray!
Tenay - THE ONE MEMBER OF IMMORTAL THAT THE EVIL CLOWNS DIDN’T ELIMINATE FROM THE SCENE!
Taz - The other half of Abyss’s tux must be at the tailor. Even Bully Ray’s in a tux! Looks like my uncle!
Tenay - What’s the deal with the card table in the ring?
Eric - I’m in such a festive mood tonight. You see beautiful women, the card table…you think Immortal’s gonna play truth or dare? NAH. Hulkster Says…could be a winner. The table’s here because we’re gonna gamble with peoples’ career. Ya know why… Hulkster…
Hogan - WE CAN, BROTHER!
Eric - We’re dressed in this festive spirit because Ken Anderson threw himself a party and no one came. Kinda like premature epartilation! We’re gonna make it up to you! We’ll throw you a party you’ll never forget! You’re part of our family, and when you’re part of our family, that comes with love, respect, dignity, and most of all, SOLIDARITY! Ken, you’re a part of our family, and we’ll celebrate you being OUR world champion, and leave here tonight as THE IMMORTAL WORLD CHAMPION!
Taz - CAMO TUX! The world champ would look snazzy standing next to a tree.
Hogan - I love the look, my brother. You’ve been called a lot of things in the short time you’ve been in this business, and we haven’t seen eye to eye. It’s been a rocky road with us seeing things the same way, but the one thing that’s been a constant between us is the fact that you and I have always strived to be the best we could be. Now, I JUST WANNA CALL YA CHAMP AND FORMALLY WELCOME YA INTO OUR FAMILY!
Anderson - Thank you. Guys, too much. Too kind. Far too kind. Ya know, thanks, and you’re right - we haven’t seen eye to eye and we won’t see eye to eye 100 percent of the time. Is me joining this family a gamble? Yeah, but as long as I remain the ace in freakin spades, like you and you promised me, that’s a gamble I’m willing to take!
Sting - Gamble? DID I HEAR SOMEONE SAY GAMBLE!?
Eric - Sting, I don’t know what you’re up to. Forget about our history over the past 20 years, I’ve always respected you, but this is IT! This is nuts! You accuse me of being cancer? YOU’VE BECOME THE CANCER AND TONIGHT, MR. ANDERSON IS THE MAN THAT WILL TAKE THE CANCER OUT ONCE AND FOR ALL, YA FREAK!
Sting - Would ya like to bet me on that!? I’VE GOT A POKER TABLE HERE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I see things coming out different than you. I SEE ME BECOMING THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ONCE AGAIN! AND! THUS KICKING OFF MY CRUSADE TO BRING THE COMPANY BACK TO ITS RIGHTFUL OWNER, DIXIE CARTER!
Hogan - DON’T PUSH IT ANY FARTHER OR ELSE I’LL STRIP THIS TUX OFF AND TEACH YOU A LESSON YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TAUGHT BEFORE. YOU’RE GOING ALL THE WAY DOWN!
Sting - NO NO NO NO! Even I’m starting to worry about me. Hulkamania, you’re wrong! I’ve got all kinds of aces in the hole! I’ve got the network ace! NETWORK ACE! I RECALL THAT THE NETWORK TOLD YOU AND BISCHOFF THAT YOU’RE ON A SHORT LEASH, THIN ICE, NOT A LOT OF ROOM FOR ERROR ANYMORE! Let’s say there’s someone with more bite than my little bark - woof woof! I AM GOING TO LEAVE HERE TONIGHT THE NEW WORLD CHAMPION! LOOK AT MY MAGIC BULLET ACES! KNOW WHY THEY’RE MAGIC!? CUZ THEY’LL APPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE! SEE!? (clowns appear in the rafters)
Tenay - EVIL CLOWNS IN THE RAFTERS! HE’S TURNING THE IMPACT ZONE INTO A FUNHOUSE!
Bully - THE SECOND HALF OF MY CAREER SHOULD TELL YOU HOW SERIOUS I’M TAKING EVERYTHING!
Morgan - WINS FINALLY MATTER!
Tenay - The Jarretts are back from Mexico!
Taz - And they bought a sombrero store!
Hogan - CUT THE HEAD OFF STING TONIGHT!
Eric - Do it carefully - we’re professionals. So something bad can happen to Sting, but it can’t come back to us!
Abyss - Let’s make it happen!
Eric - That’s ironic, considering that you had a chance to end the X division and you failed! It needs to get done this time!
Jarrett - ARIBA!
Karen - ERIC, DID YOU MISS US!?
Jarrett - Didn’t you say that we should look at the glass half full!?
Taz - Quick arm drag by the Mohawk madman!
Tenay - The morale of the X division is at all-time high!
Abyss - Hogan and Eric are disgruntled with me AND RIGHTFULLY SO. KENDRICK, THAT STRAP OF GOLD BELONGS TO ME. I’M GETTING IT BACK AND I’M NOT WAITING FOR THE REMATCH! TONIGHT, I’M GETTING MY TITLE BACK FOR IMMORTAL! (a clown beats him up)
Aries - I can’t be beat. I’m a poet and didn’t even know it.
Taz - WHAT’S IN THE BOX!? OPEN DA BOX!
Taz - Tara’s face went face-first into the apron!
Taz - Madison’s gonna open Tara’s box!
Taz - When Madison saw Poison, she bugged out. Or freaked out.
Tenay - Bugged out’s better.
Taz - Pun intended.
Magnus - What matters is WRESTLING! And winning the tag titles.
Douglas - And now’s the time to do it - the BFG series is going and there are 12 guys who would normally be going after them.
Magnus - Including the champions.
Angle - I STAND BEFORE YOU TONIGHT THE NUMBER 1 CONTENDER AND I WILL GET MY TITLE SHOT AUGUST 7 AT HARDCORE JUSTICE IN THE MAIN EVENT. The question is who will my opponent be!? Well, it depends on what goes on tonight - but for my reasons, I’d pick Anderson! Ya see, him and I have history. Ken, you remember last year, the cage match at Lockdown!? I do! And don’t think I forgot about what you did to me last week - ya left me laying and joined Immortal! So Ken, you wanna turn your back on me, I guarantee ya one thing. I’m coming after you whether you win or lose, and I’m gonna hurt you! Now there’s Sting! Sting and I, we’ve had a lot of history. Does everyone remember the MEM? Sting, you remember the empty arena match? To this day fans have told me it’s one of the greatest matches they’ve ever seen. There wasn’t a winner, and to take it a step further - I’ve never beaten you in my career. That’s a tough pill to swallow, and it pisses me off. It makes me want to kick your ass more. I’ll be backstage tonight as an innocent bystander, but at Hardcore Justice, I’m walking out the Impact Wrestling World Heavyweight Champion!
Jeff - C’MON KAREN, WE GOTTA GO! THIS KINDA STUFF DOESN’T HAPPEN IN MEXICO!
Karen - WOAH, GOD! JEFFF!
Taz - This could get monkey-butt ugly!
Tenay - No Sarita and Rosita because as the Brits said, they should leave Los Prostitutos at home!
Taz - THE BRITISH ARE COMING! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!
Shelley - Detroit needs heroes, and we need championships, too.
Gunner - COME ON YA STUPID SON OF A BITCHES!
Taz - I think Sting might be crazed like a fox, like how he orchestrated all the clown attacks with Fortune.
Taz - It’s Bully Ray!
Tenay - THE ONE MEMBER OF IMMORTAL THAT THE EVIL CLOWNS DIDN’T ELIMINATE FROM THE SCENE!
ing beast. Saw him wrestle live at a house show where he F5'd Big Show, and then Heyman.
I hope one of the families of Dahmer's victims catches wind of this so they can take PITA to task.