Jericho - WELCOME TO RAW IS JERICHO, AND THIS IS THE HIGHLIGHT REEL! Without further ado, I’d like to introduce my first guest tonight. She’s shiny, she’s been around the block, but she always comes back to daddy - THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP! I became champion for the eigthth time, which eclipsed the previous reign seven set by… me! My next guest is the largest athlete in the world, the BIIGGG SHOOOWWW! Welcome, Mr. Show. Let me congratulate you for finally giving fans a new clip to talk about aside from the one where Mayweather used your face as a pinata. Let’s view it on the new Jeritron 6000, which is so expensive that not even Mayweather can afford it. Monkeys, let it rip!
Show - That clip just reinforces that no one likes him. No one in our locker room likes him, even his own peers don’t like him. Chris, you’re a big WWE superstar, and even you know that you wouldn’t last 2-3 minutes with me, so what chance does Mayweather have?
Jericho - I have to agree with you that nobody likes Mayweather, but everybody still thinks that you’re a jackass. Maybe not as big a one as him, but a jackass nonetheless. This is Chris Jericho, Y2J, the first undisputed champion in WWE history - I beat both the Rock and Steve Austin in one night to do that, and at WrestleMania, while I’m climbing for money in the bank, you’ll be rolling on the floor picking up the teeth he knocks out of your mouth.
Show - I’m not saying you’re him, I’m saying your WWE’s equivalent to him - you’re loud, disrespectful, and in over your head. You wanna try me? I’m thinking Jericho versus the Big Show for the IC title right here, tonight. Cat got your tongue? With that haircut, you look like you’re ready for a night out for karaoke with Justin Timberlake, and I’ve heard you sing - that’s not a good idea.
Jericho - That was funny - that’s about as funny as when you were the co-host of SNL, but that was 8 years ago, and you’ve been bombing ever since! YOU’VE GOT IT! Big Show versus Chris Jericho for the IC title, JUNIOR!
Vince - IMAGINE ME, THE BIGGEST STAR OF THE WORLD! Imagine me on the Hollywood walk of fame. Imagine me on Larry King Live this Wednesday! Imagine me laying out a 600 pound bitch slap! Imagine me celebrating Saint Patty’s day, what could be better than that!? ME ENDING RIC FLAIR’S CAREER, TONIGHT! I WILL END HIS CAREER TONIGHT! IN A STREET FIGHT!
(during Punk-Carlito)J.R. - King, as a wrestler, would you say this preview offers up a psychological edge in the money in the bank match?
King - Well, no, because you won’t have much of a chance to apply a hold. It’ll be chaos.
(after a GTS counter)J.R. - Carlito, not sleepy! HIts the neck breaker!
(after a Punk kick)King - That might make him sleepy, a bit drowsy.
Snoop - What up, it’s Snoop D-O-Double-G, the master of ceremonies at WrestleMania for Bunnymania. Maria never should have shown her boobies in Playboy…wait, I ain’t saying this, who wrote this!? (Santino pops up)
Santino - Mr. Scooby Dizzle - I’m Santino Marella - I think I know more about WrestleMania. Please stick to the cue cards.
Snoop - I’m heading to WrestleMania. I’ll check ya later.
(to Londrick)Regal - Gentlemen, in a little over two weeks, there will be a battle for brand supremacy at WrestleMania. Representing SmackDown will be Batista, representing Raw will be your opponent - the Samoan Bulldozer, YOUMANGA!
King - It was an invasion of SmackDown by Umaga!
J.R. - I wouldn’t want to be in the colorful tights of London and Kendrick right now.
(Umaga hits the assalanche on London)Fans - DO IT AGAIN! DO IT AGAIN!(teases doing it to Kendrick, fans go wild, Kendrick leaves, fans boo)
Regal - Did you see that? Brian Kendrick just left Paul London, that could happen tonight in your main event.
HHH - I can ensure that it won’t - because if Cena leaves Orton, he’s out of ‘Mania, if Orton wins, I’ll strip him of the title and Cena and I will fight for it at WrestleMania. Pretty standard stuff, really.
Regal - If you’re going to do that, then why not just strip Orton of the title and take it for yourself?
HHH - Because I’ve had titles handed to me before and there’s no satisfaction in it. I’ll hold the title soon enough - at the grandest stage of them all, WrestleMania!
Vince - I don’t like accepting these awards, but on behalf of every WWE superstar and every WWE fan, I thank you. It’s good to finally get the award I’ve deserved for many years. I’m not quit sure what it means - I already know I’m a star - THE BIGGEST STAR OF ALL! It’s an honor for my star to be next to Kermit the Frog’s - that says it all! Thank you very much!
(to HBK)Flair - Why are you here? You’re not on the card! You may be the showstopper, but you’re not gonna stop my show at WrestleMania! I know why you’re here - you know McMahon can end it tonight, but I’ve told you about sympathy. I’M THE NATURE BOY! I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU UNTIL WRESTLEMANIA! I’M GETTING MYSELF READY, HE HAS NO CHANCE IN HELL OF BEATING RIC FLAIR!
JBL - I was so looking forward to coming down here tonight and confronting Finlay, but unfortunately, Hornswoggle is having a few complications, and his father Finlay has to take care of his little FREAK son, but since it’s Saint Patty’s day, who have made people like me rich, so today, I have scoured the WWE and found the second-toughest Irishman in the company. The guy who is lighting ECW ON FIRE - COLIN DELANEY! COME ON OUT HERE, COLIN! Don’t let the lack of music and pyro fool you - THAT MAN IS THE PRIDE OF IRELAND! THAT MAN HAS AN OPPORTUNITY TONIGHT TO MAKE IRISH EYES SMILE!
J.R. - Delaney’s being beaten like an Irish mule!
JBL - If you have any hope of beating me at WrestleMania, Finlay, I want you to look at this and realize what my ancestors said to yours when they were asking for a handout - Irish need not apply!
King - We have a very special guest tonight - JARED FROM SUBWAY IS HERE!
King - You know, you should go on the Subway diet.
J.R. - …thanks…
J.R. - Santino Marella deserves no introduction, so he’ll get none.
Santino - Jerry, move over a little - I don’t trust you for a second. You need a Subway sandwich, Jerry, you look a little chunky! Did you know that Jillian Hall didn’t get formal singing training? It’s all natural ability.
J.R. - That’s one way of putting it.
Santino - WHAT A COPTOR, IF YOU ASK ME!
King - Nobody asked you.
Santino - This Bunnamania match sickens me, it makes these women a target.
King - Does it bother you that your ex-girlfriend…
Santino - Still girlfriend - we’re just going through a rough time. PLAYBOY HAS COME BETWEEN US!
King - Did you see Maria in Playboy?
Santino - No, Jerry the Spring Lawler.
King - So…
Santino - AGAIN WITH THE PLAYBOY! YOU ARE TRYING MY PATIENCE!
Santino - DA GIRLS WIN-A ONLY BECAUSE THEY CHEAT! THEY ARE CHEAP WINNERS AND LOSERS! (he cheap shots Lawler and steals his sub) YOU LOSE!
Santino - I GOT YOUR SUBWAY SANDWICH, JERRY! YOU LOSE THIS TIME, JERRY!
May weather - It wasn’t easy growing up - My mother was on drugs and my daddy was a hustler. I became a boxer, got a bronze in the ’96 Olympics. Became a professional - here’s all my belts. I already dominated boxing, so I went to Dancing With the Stars. My lifestyle is flashy, you cannot stop me. I’m gonna be the WWE World Heavyweight champion. I’m the best!
Holyfield - He might be getting 20 million, but I wouldn’t take that risk.
Kim K - I’m Kim Kardashian, and I’m looking forward to WrestleMania, where only the coolest will be invited (Big Dick Johnson shows up) He is not invited, but you are!
Orton - Cena, we should take a dive, and I’m the WWE Champion, so I think you should take a dive…
Cena - I heard you, and the day I listen to the guy who tore my pec, took my title, and punk kicked my father is the day I go insane! IF YOU WANNA LOSE, FINE, YOU LOSE! IF YOU GO OUT THERE, THEN ANTE UP AND GO OUT LIKE A MAN!
HHH - Hey guys, I just wanna let you know that the match will continue until you either beat everyone, or cannot physically continue. Just so ya know, I’m rooting for you (he smirks at Orton)
Lilian - The following is a SEVENTEEN-ON-TWO HANDICAP MATCH!
King - If Cena or Orton pin Snitsky, it’s not over, is it?
J.R. - NO, IT’S NOT OVER!
(Snitsky punches Cena)fans - CE-NA! CE-NA!