(as the opener is JIP)Tenay - WE’RE STARTING OFF IMPACT WITH NOT ONLY A 4-WAY TAG TEAM MATCH, BUT ALSO WITH THE LEADER OF FORTUNE, RIC FLAIR ON COMMENTARY!
Taz - I can call ya naitch, right?
Flair - Yeah, unlike Morgan.
Flair - Dixie’s in over her head.
(during a 4-way tag match that starts the show for no reason)Flair - You’re only gonna see this in TNA.
Flair - BEER MONEY IS KICKING ASS, MIKE. LOOKS LIKE A NIGHT AT THE DOUBLETREE.
Taz - Yer killin me.
Taz - You’re giving the Doubletree the rub.
Flair - Yup. I hope the manager hears us and gives us free drinks.
Tenay - I’ll be at the bar.
Taz - Big shock there.
Flair - Kaz looks like Antonio Bandaross!
Flair - Why should Kaz being worried about Douglas Williams? Who from England can ever beat an American at anything?
(after Beer Money gets a 2 with Badd Company’s finisher)Flair - WHAT!? REF, COUNT FASTER! WHAT’S HIS NAME?!
Taz - Jackson James.
Flair - JACKSON, JACK DANIELS! PUNK KID! WHAT THE HELL! GET THAT KID!
ROUGH HIS ASS UP! GIVE HIM A TNA, FORTUNE ASS-WHIPPING!
Morgan - DON’T YOU TAKE ONE MORE STEP, FORTUNE, I’LL CHOKE THE LIFE OUT OF RIC FLAIR. I’M NOT PLAYING! IF YOU AND YOUR GOONS MESS WITH THIS KID ONE MORE TIME, I’M GONNA RIP YOUR HEADS OFF AND THROW ‘EM DOWN YOUR THROATS.
Flair - MORGAN, MORGAN. WHERE ARE YOU!? DON’T RUN AND HIDE! MAKE A STATEMENT AND STAND YOUR GROUND. TONIGHT BROTHER, YOU’RE GOING DOWN! MORGAN’S NOTHING!
(after EY bangs a cowbell)OJ - Isn’t that special?
Mickie - It’s special all right.
Flair - I HOPE THE REF IS THAT PUNK KID, JACK DANIELS, JIM JOHNSON! IF MORGAN DOESN’T NAME THE REF TONIGHT, I’LL REVOKE THE POWER. I’VE GOT THAT KINDA POWER!
Taz - Flair’s right - Kazarian really does look like Antonio Banderas.
Tenay - Didn’t know you were paying such close attention to the male athletes.
Taz - Nah, but whatever floats your boat.
Tenay - You spent 18 minutes on the color of guys’ tights last week.
Taz - I’m an attention to detail kinda-guy. That didn’t come out right.
Taz - We heard that Devon was coming out next…and here it is!
Devon - Cut the music…
Crowd - DEVON DEVON DEVON DEVON!
Devon - Ya know something, you come out here talking about if I come here, you will be here. WELL I’M HERE, SO I TELL YA WHAT, BRING YO ASS DOWN HERE AND LET’S SETTLE THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL!
Taz - The he is Brother Ray.
Devon - LET’S GO BUBBA. GET OUT HERE! COME ON, BUBBA, LET’S GO! The problem Is, Bubba, YOU’RE BEING A COWARD AND NOT SHOWING UP! COME ON DOWN!
Bubba - No problem…
Devon - COME IN THE RING.
Bubba - NAH, I’M COMFORTABLE RIGHT HERE!
Devon - FOR A LOTTA YEARS, YOU BEEN BULLYING A LOT OF PEOPLE. FOR THE LAST 15 YEARS, YOU BEEN NOTHING BUT A BULLY AND A COWARD! You wanna tell the people that I’m the weak link?
Bubba - YOU ARE!
Devon - You wanna say that it’s because of my family that we were together for so long? IF IT WASN’T FOR ME, THERE’D BE NO TEAM 3D. THAT MAN THERE, TAZ, WAS THE ONE THAT GAVE US THE CHANCE THAT LET US WRESTLE IN ECW! HE WAS THE ONE!
Bubba - HE’S A PIECE OF CRAP. HE’S WASHED UP AND A LOSER JUST LIKE YOU!
Devon - HE SAID
Taz - Excuse me… I just …hate to get in the middle of family business. But I couldn’t help but notice you calling me washed up, Bubba. You’ve known me a long time, and it sucks to see you guys deal with each other. You don’t need to disrespect me - YOUR BROTHER TOLD YOU TO GET IN THE RING, SO CROSS THE LINE AND GET YOUR ASS IN THE RING. And ya know what…
Bubba - THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU.
Taz - THAT’S RIGHT - YOU BROUGHT ME IN IT. I’ll tell ya - I AM WASHED-UP - HE ISN’T!
Devon - Shannon was right - YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG!
Crowd - DOUCHE BAG! DOUCHE BAG!
Devon - Bubba, every company we’ve been in - NO ONE EVER LIKES YOU!
Bubba - WHAT?! EVERYBODY LOVES ME!
Devon - THE ONLY WEAK THING ABOUT YOU IS YOUR BREATH!
Devon - ME BEING WITH YOU IS THE ONLY REASON YOU LASTED SO LONG! BUBBA, YOU ARE A PIECE OF CRAP. THE BOTTOM LINE IS THIS, YOU WANNA SIT HERE AND HIT ME FROM BEHIND! WHY DON’T YOU COME IN HERE RIGHT NOW, AND DO IT AGAIN. I DARE YA!
Bubba - No!
Devon - YOU’RE A BULLY AND A COWARD!
Bubba - NAH, I CAN SEE YOU FROM HERE. I’M THE STAR, YOU’RE MARTY JANNETTY!
Pope - Joe, you’ve gotta be the stupidest Samoan I’ve ever seen in my life.
Joe - I don’t like you, Pope. I DON’T WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND, AND I DON’T WANNA BE YOUR PARTNER!
Pope - You’re nothing but a pimple on Pope’s backside. POOF, YOU’RE GONE!
Tenay - MADISON HITS SARITA WITH THE BELT, BUT THE REF DIDN’T SEE IT - HE WAS LOOKING AT ANGELINA.
Taz - Can’t blame him.
Taz - SARITA’S ON A ROLL, AND SHE LOOKS HOT ON A ROLL. HELL, SHE’D LOOK HOT ON A BAGEL!
Love - WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?
Winter -There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re perfect… Now that we’re together, you’ll never lose again. WE will never lose.
Love - EXPLAIN WE.
Winter - Come on - we need to talk.
(regarding Flair picking Rhino, who lost to Dreamer, to face Morgan)Tenay - THIS MATCH SO MUCH SENSE ON NUMEROUS LEVELS.
Taz - It sure would be embarrassing if Morgan lost.
Anderson - I uh…GOOD EVENING. Been in the business for 11 years, and…I’m gonna go ahead and so something I’ve only done a handful of times. Thank you. Thank you for having my back and thusly having everyone else’s back, too. Ya know, I know you know it, but they don’t, but we may strongly dislike each other. We might beat the piss out of each other, BUT there’s a code. There are certain things YOU JUST DON’T DO. Like wail a guy in the back of the head with a chair. Possibly. But this new Jeff Hardy just does whatever he wants. HEY I’M JEFF HARDY! While I thank you for having my back…and taking my spot on the PPV…lemme tell you what I’VE BEEN DOING. I… don’t really remember. THAT’S A SHOOT. I don’t remember what I did for a month. I’m not bitching. This ain’t ballet. This is wrestling. Every once in a while, you’ll get a booboo - an OWIE. I GOT AN OWIE. I want Jeff to know what he’s got coming for him. It might not be tomorrow or next week. I MIGHT SEE YOUR ASS IN THE GROCERY STORE, BOY. BE THE ONE TO GET STOPPED A STOP LIGHT AND HAVE ME PULL UP BEHIND YOU. DON’T BE THE ONE. And with all that said, I heard that you, and correct me if I’m wrong - you might be needing a certain someone to referee your rematch with Jeff Hardy… I don’t know, did I hear that? You are in need of someone? Since you helped me out, maybe we can put our heads together, and think of somebody. Just…wait… Hey!
Crowd - ASSHOLE. ASSHOLE. ASSHOLE. ASSHOLE!
Anderson - Ya know, my doctor hasn’t cleared me to wrestle, BUT I JUST MIGHT KNOW A CERTAIN ASSHOLE WHO CAN DO THAT FOR YA! Yeah? YEAH. Since I’m impartial, we shouldn’t shake hands. Jeff, this just hit me in the back of the head - I think that Sunday, the bigger man WILL WIN. Yeah.
(having not been announced before)JB - IT IS NOW TIME FOR THE NEW JERSEY FIST PUMP CHALLENGE!
Tenay - Jersey odds makers have Robbie as the odds-on favorite.
Taz - Well, you’d know.
Taz - We’re borrowing the shark cage from Shark Boy. Gotta give it back to him.
Taz - He’s looking at me like I can help him with the fist pump - CAN’T HELP YA KID. Gotta carry Mike.
Taz - Lethal looks like a farmer. He’s dressed like Bo Duke. JUST GOOD OLD BOYS…
Robbie - BRO, MY OPENING STATEMENT IS THIS. LETHAL, YOU’RE A DISGRACE TO JERSEY BRO.
Taz - So articulate.
Robbie - YOU’VE NEVER BEEN IN A CLUB, AND YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO FISTPUMP!
Taz - Look at that collar - starched up!
Cookie - ROBBIE, MAKE SURE I’M NOT GOING IN THAT CAGE!
Robbie - JB - IT’S GAME-TIME BRO!
Cookie - GO ROBBIE, IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY!
JB - Impressive, with the J-WOWW KUNG-POW!
Lethal - Robbie, you make me embarrassed to say I’m from Jersey. You look ridiculous. If you came to my part of Jersey looking like that, you’d get laughed at, they’d beat you up, take your shoes, and hang ‘em from a telephone pole.
Robbie - DON’T TALK ABOUT MY SHOES, BRO!
Lethal - We all know you wouldn’t be champ if it wasn’t for her. Cookie, it looks like your parents kept you in a crib JUST like that cage. DO YOU GUYS WANNA SEE ME COMPETE IN THIS!?
Cookie - SEEEE YYAAAA SUNNNDDAAAAYYY, JAYYYYY!
Taz - There’s Double Day, Double J.
Taz - I’d say Jarrett’s confident in himself.
Tenay - Some would say delusional.
Taz - …yeah…
Tenay - Joe and Pope are getting along.
Taz - WHAT!? They just got done arguing. Then again, most partners seem to hate each other.
Tenay - Sounds like that’s coming from personal experience.
Jarrett - ATTA BOY, MONSTER!
(after Jarrett gets the guitar) Tenay - THAT’S HIS CRUTCH. HE KNOWS HE HAS LIMITATIONS!
Tenay - JOE HAS CINCHED ON JOE’S OWN HOLD.
Hardy - THE PIECES ARE IN PLACE. EVERYONE’S DESTINY IS IN LINE. SOME WILL FALL FROM THE UNIVERSE. I AM JEFF HARDY. I AM GREATNESS. AFTER EVERYTHING I’VE ACHIEVED, I’VE REACHED A LEVEL NEVER SEEN BEFORE. MATT MORGAN, YOU’RE JUST ANOTHER FACELESS VICTIM FOR THE ANTI-CHRIST. KENNY, YOU WON’T GET UP THIS TIME - YOU WILL REST IN ETERNAL PEACE.
TNA Reaction
Bubba - I’ve been a bully since I bobsledded out of my mom’s womb, and no one in 39 years has been able to stop me. Why should I stop now?
EY - I was feeling - it was in THE MUSIC ZONE. We were close to my solo. We’re pretty much an item.
Tara - GOT HER RIGHT IN THE PRIVATES!
EY - Got her right in the vag-bone.
Bubba - WHEN BUBBA TALKS, PEOPLE LISTEN.
Bubba - THIS IS THE LEGITIMATE TRUTH!
Devon - Not to take anything from Anderson, HE’S AN ASSHOLE.
Hemme - I AM SO ANNOYED RIGHT NOW! THAT GIRL WHINES AND BITCHES ALL THE TIME. IT’S CONSTANT! I don’t do anything - I just do my job and go home! I’VE BEEN HERE SINCE THE BEGINNING. DON’T
WITH ME!