Alright, I'm done. Walmart is selling 500 gb external HDD's for 80 bucks. I'm going to go pick one up tomorrow, back my shit up, and do a fresh install of Vista. There's really nothing left that I can try and do to fix it other than just starting over.
I'll be keeping my Vista DVD around this time and since I'll have my important shit backed up, I'll never have to go through this hell again. If the fresh install still doesn't fix it, I'll go suck dick for a macbook.