Barrett - How fitting… that tonight’s Raw come from this nation’s capital. The site of so many historic rallies and groundbreaking speeches. Last week, I said the Nexus would do something that would be talked about forever, and that’s what happened. We destroyed a WWE institution - the Undertaker.
Otunga - Now that right there should put to rest any doubts about the Nexus and their weakness. We are the new phenoms of the WWE. COME ON MAN, WE’RE IT! We trimmed the fat, and yet we still managed to have the greatest night of our lives.
Tarver - If anyone had done something unprecedented like we did to the Undertaker, no, if anyone could, they sould sit back and savor that moment for the rest of their lives. But not us - we weren’t finished. Later that night, we took out five of Raw’s top superstars. Jericho and Edge were so scared of us that they took themselves out of the match because they wanted nothing to do with the Nexus. You know what happened next?
Fan - NO!
Heath - What happened next was I PINNED THE WWE CHAMPION. I, HEATH SLATER, PINNED THE WWE CHAMPION, SHEAMUS. YOUR CHAMPION! Hold on. I don’t think the people in the cheap seats heard me. I’M THE ONE WHO PINNED THE WWE CHAMPION! ME! THIS GUY RIGHT HERE. HEATH SLATER!
Gabriel - Who can say that they’ve delivered their finishing move to the Undertaker and Cena in the same night? I CAN! What was that? The third time I hit it on Cena. Every time I hit it, it gets more and more satisfying. YOU CAN SEE ME, JOHN! You can see me crashing down on your lifeless body over and over and over again.
Barrett - And after all that, I personally devenomized the Viper! I PINNED RANDY ORTON AND THAT’S A TASTE OF WHAT’S TO COME BECAUSE IN TWO WEEKS TIME, IN THE SIX PACK CHALLENGE, I WILL BRING THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP BACK HOME TO THE NEXUS. And mark my words friends, it will be historic, groundbreaking, and everything that I have said since day one… (Orton’s theme hits)
Orton - You wanna know what I took away from last week? I took out two of your men in less than 30 seconds. You’re not gonna roll footage for it, are ya? Don’t worry - I’ll do it again. I don’t care who I pin to win the title, but rest assured, I’m going to make it my business! TO HIT YOU WITH AN RKO!
Barrett - Real tough talk, Randy, but if you wanna be the tough guy, come in here and try to give me an RKO? (e-mail dings)
Cole - I HAVE RECEIVED AN E-MAIL, AND I QUOTE! Last week was a historic night for Nexus as a unit, but tonight, we’ll find out how some members fare individually - tonight, for the first time ever, the master of the 450 splash, Justin Gabriel, will face John Cena! And addition, Randy Orton, you won’t have to wait until NoC to see if you can hit an RKO on Barrett because tonight… FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, THE FORMER BARE KNUCKLE CHAMPION AND FEARLESS LEADER OF NEXUS WILL GO ONE ON ONE WITH RANDY ORTON! Gentlemen, one more thing. To ensure that both matches are fair, Nexus is banned from ringside tonight.
Cole - I HAVE RECEIVED ANOTHER E-MAIL, AND I QUOTE! Last week, when Jericho and Edge took themselves out of the main event, it was a slap in the face to the WWE Universe and me - thus, there will be consequences. If they don’t win their respective matches, they will be taken out of the six pack challenge at NoC, and Jericho, your opponent is this man.
Jericho - WHO SAYS THIS!? WHO IS THE GM!? TELL ME WHO IT IS!
Jericho - YOU ARE A STUPID MAN! A STUPID MAN!
Cole - JERICHO WON’T BE GOING TO NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS! HE IS NO LONGER IN THE SIX PACK CHALLENGE!
Crowd - CHRIS JERICHO! Y2J! Y2J! Y2J! Y2J!
Alicia - If anyone is going to become the undefined champion of divas, it will be me - I HAVE MORE FOLLOWERS ON TWITTER THAN YOU OR LAYCOOL COMBINED.
Lawler - Let’s define what she just said.
Cole - I think she’s a little excited.
Lawler - Maybe it is undefined.
Cole - IT’S THE SUNSET SPLIT!
Miz - The entire world is gonna know about the road to the journey of awesome.
Josh - Can I see what’s underneath that?
Miz - GET. AWAY. FROM. ME!
Cole - What’s Miz even doing hanging out with that guy?
Edge - I shoved the ref, and you wanna know why? Under his breath, he insulted my mom. AND NO ONE INSULTS MY MOM. I love her.
Ryder - I love her too.
Edge - What?
Ryder - Never mind. Dude, as a former NoC - Number 1 contender.
Edge - YES. I USED TO THINK THAT YOU WERE A TOOL. You’re easy. ATTENTION GM. I KNOW YOU’RE LISTENING, AND I ACCEPT ZACK RYDER’S CHALLENGE FOR A MATCH.
Ryder - You call me a tool?
Edge - Yeah.
Ryder - That really hurt my feelings, bro.
DiBiase - What makes yo think the note’s for you? I’m a millionaire in my 20s AND A MOVIE STAR.
DiBiase - NO FRENCH! I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU. I’M WALKING AWAY.
Fan - WHAT!?
Cole - YOU ARE WATCHING THE LONGEST-RUNNING EPISODIC TV SHOW IN HISTORY!
Crowd - Let’s go Cena. CENA SUCKS!
Cole - NO ONE GETS MORE EXCITEMENT OUT OF THE WWE UNIVERSE THAN JOHN CENA!
Cole - CENA GOES FOR THE A-A!
Lawler - Only a limited number of theaters are even able to show Legendary!
Cole - IF YOU WANNA BE ONE OF THE ELITE, GO TO WWE.COM AND SEE WHICH THEATRES ARE SHOWING IT IN YOUR AREA!
Cole - LOOK WHO’S HERE - THE U.S. CHAMPION, MISTER MONEY IN THE BANK, THE MIZ!
Miz - Good evening, my name is Mike Mizanin and I have no right to be here - at least that’s what they told me six years ago. After all, I was the lowest form of life on the planet - a reality TV star. So in order to break out in WWE, I had to start at the bottom. I was a competitor on Tough Enough. There, I started to hear the voices of superstars and so-called legends asking why are you here. Miz, you shouldn’t be here, you should go back to MTV. You’d like that, wouldn’t you? THE FACT IS I REFUSED TO LEAVE, TO CAVE TO THE PRESSURE. I did whatever I had to do to get a job here, so I became the host of SD. The voices got louder, and instead of asking met to leave, YOU TOLD ME TO LEAVE. YOU’D SAY THAT I HAD NO TALENT. THAT THERE’S NO RESPECT FOR YOU. THAT YOU DON’T BELONG. EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU WOULD HAVE LEFT, BUT I DIDN’T. I STUCK AROUND. AND I FORMED A TEAM WITH MORRISON. Despite becoming champions, you said that he was the star, and I was the sidekick. AND IF WE SPLIT, I WOULD BE GONE. We did split, and what happened? ANYONE KNOW. I BECAME THE U.S. CHAMPION! BUT YOU SAID IT WAS A FLUKE. YOU SAID I’D NEVER RISE TO THE NEXT LEVEL. THEN WHAT HAPPENED? I WON MONEY IN THE BANK! I PUNCHED IN MY TICKET TO BECOMING A WWE CHAMPION, SO THE MAN THAT WAS SHUNNED, NOW CAN BE LOOKED AT AS THE BIGGEST STAR IN THIS ENTIRE COMPANY! WHICH LEADS ME TO THIS! MY COVER TO THE NEW WWE MAGAZINE!
Fan - IT’S FRUITY!
Miz - Why is this such a big deal? Because as a child, I bought every issue. I WOULD PUT THEM IN MY BEDROOM, AND I WOULD DREAM OF GETTING THE COVER OF THIS MAGAZINE AND NOW IT HAS HAPPENED. NOW, I WANT TO HEAR IT FROM THE KIDS, THE MEN, THE WOMEN, FROM EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS ARENA. I WANT YOU TO STAND UP AND DO WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE A LONG TIME AGO - ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG! ALL OF YOU! YOU ALL WERE WRONG. EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU! I MADE IT! I DID IT. I AM THE POSTER CHILD. NOT CENA, NOT ORTON, NOBODY BESIDES ME! You can’t deny it. You can’t hide from it. YOU ALL WATCHING RIGHT NOW, HERE AND ON TV, HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO ADMIT THE FACT THAT YOU WERE WRONG BECAUSE I’M THE MIZ AND I HAVE EARNED, EARNED THE RIGHT TO SAY THAT I’M AWESOME!
Cole - WOW. How can you not be inspired!?
Cole - IT’S MR. BUZZKILL - DANIEL BRYAN. This is like going from ‘Mania to a high school gym.
King - Ease up on him.
Cole - NO. HE INTERRUPTED THE MIZ!
Daniel - Hi Mike, my name is Daniel Bryan! Relax - I came out here to congratulate you. We have a lot in common. Nobody ever thought I would make it.
Miz - You didn’t - you haven’t accomplished a thing in WWE.
Daniel - Touche. Clearly I’m not the superstar you are. If you’re listening to that, I just came out to generic rock that even I can’t identify. I don’t have the style you do - I paid $10 for my haircut. I have to wear my gear in the back so security doesn’t throw me out and then show them my ID. I’m the anti-superstar. If I get to face you for the U.S. Championship, I can beat you.
Miz - I agree - you paid $10 for that haircut, BUT WHAT ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH MAKES YOU WORTHY OF FACING ME FOR THE U.S. TITLE!?
Daniel - You’re probably right, and if that match did happen, next month’s WWE Magazine could look like this! (Miz taps cover is shown)
Cole - HE DIDN’T TAP!
King - Sure he did, it’s on the cover.
Cole - Wasn’t a match.
Daniel - I’m not saying I’m gonna beat you up, but I can make you tap out, and I can become the next U.S. CHAMPION!
Miz - Let me tell you something, Daniel, I DON’T LIKE YOU. I’ve never liked you. I didn’t like you as my rookie, or when you took my spot on SmackDown, or when you…came out and interrupted my moment. You say you can beat me? I can ANNHIALITE YOU! I’ll make you beg you can go back to the minor leagues.
Daniel - You and me, U.S. Title match - YES OR NO!
Miz - Yes.
Daniel - Thank you, Miz, I appreciate it man.
Miz - No, thank you!
Cole - DANIEL BRYAN’S A SPOTLIGHT STEALER. HE RUINED MIZ’S NIGHT OF AWESOMENESS!
King - Now the GM is sending you e-mails on your phone?
Cole - Yeah, my Blackberry. Next week, Cena faces the winner of Orton-Barrett!
King - What’s the number?
Cole - Unknown number. Actually, it’s a text message.
Edge - WOOO!
Cole - I HAVE RECEIVED AN E-MAIL. Edge, I refuse to accept your cheap victory. It will now be a no DQ over the top rope challenge!
Lawler - Can we still call it a six-pack challenge if there are four?
Cole - You’ll have to ask the GM.
King - You ask him - he’ll only communicate with you.
Cole - HELLO!? Did the official pay any attention to what happened? Khali eliminated himself by walking over the top rope.
King - I think you have to be thrown over.
Cole - HE WENT OVER THE TOP ROPE!
(after Edge pulls Khali out over he steps over the rope)Cole - Okay, I guess now he’s eliminated.
Josh - Chris, I know this is a difficult time, but do you mind if I ask you a couple questions? Last week, you said that if you didn’t win the WWE Title in the six pack challenge, you would leave the WWE. What’s your future plans?
Jericho - …
Fan - TNA! TNA!
Morrison - Bad day, huh? Still think you’re the best in the world at what you do? Don’t worry man - things’ll get better. Do you understand what I’m saying to you right now?
Edge - I’ve won more titles than anyone ever. SPELL THAT.
Sheamus - BIG DEAL - THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS IS THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP, AND THAT’S ME!
Sheamus - Ever since I became WWE Champion for the second time, the GM’s been against me. It isn’t fair.
Cena - Fella, life isn’t fair.
Sheamus - Didn’t ask ya, fella.
Cole - IT WILL BE A JUMBO MAIN EVENT IN TWO WEEKS AT NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS!
Sheamus - Me poor Irish granny has been saying 55 Hail Marys a day. Any idea what that’s done to her?!
Edge - Is she as pale as you? I can see your organs beating out here.
Cole - Why didn’t the WWE Champion have to wrestle tonight?
Sheamus - Gotta rest up. Me health is very important.
Cole - Then you should have gotten a flu shot.