Cole - Probably the most embarrassing thing for Orton last night was being pinned!
Orton- I know the normal routine is for the host to come out to be interrupted by someone - but I do not care! I know that Ventura has a major announcement tonight regarding the WWE Title, and my father told me that Jesse considers himself to be a radical who isn’t afraid to break the rules! Jesse, prove that to me! I know I’m not supposed to face Cena for the title anymore, BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT THE GUEST HOST CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT! JESSE VENTURA HAS THE POWER TO LIFT THE BAN! Jesse, you know me, you know that I deserve to be champion more than anyone else! So what I’m asking of you is before you make your announcement and do what is right - GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO BE WORLD CHAMPION AGAIN! It is the right thing to do AND DO NOT LISTEN TO ANY OF THESE PEOPLE! Come on out, Jesse…
Ventura - HERSHEY, PA! THE BODY IS BACK AND AS YOU CAN SEE, I AIN’T DRESSED LIKE NO GOVERNER, I’M DRESED LIKE PRO WRESTLING! YOU KNOW, I’M IN CHARGE NOW HERE! I’M THE GUEST HOST SO WHAT I SAY GOES! NOW MR. RANDY ORTON! YOU KNOW, I RESPECT YOU! I LIKE YOUR STYLE! IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU REMIND ME OF ME! BACK WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BIT YOUNGER! BUT THE PROBLEM IS THIS, I AM A GOVERNER, I DON’T BELONG TO THE REPUBLICANS OR THE DEMOCRATS, I’M AN INDEPENDENT! I STAND FOR A REVOLUTION IN THIS COUNRY! AND BEING THAT I’M THE GOVERNOR OF REVOLUTION, I’M ALSO THE ONE WHO WILL BRING SOMETHING NEW TO THE WWE TONIGHT! AND THE PROBLEM IS THIS, RANDY - YOU’RE NOT GONNA GET A TITLE SHOT! BECAUSE AS I SAID, I’M HERE FOR SOMETHING NEW - THERE’S BEEN TOO MANY OF THE SAME PEOPLE, DAY IN DAY OUT THAT THE SAME ONES GET THE SHOT AT THE TITLE! WELL IT’S TIME TO CHANGE THAT! NO IT’S NOT GONNA BE RANDY ORTON, OR THE BIG SHOW!
Orton - HHH!
Ventura - HE WILL NOT GET A SHOT!
Orton - SHOW!?
Ventra - NO, NONE OF THEM WILL! WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN TONIGHT - THERE’S GONNA BE A SERIES OF MATCHES, AND TO QUALIFY WILL BE SIMPLE - YOU CAN NEVER HAVE BEEN A WORLD CHAMPION! And these gentlemen that will go through the qualifying matches will go into the breakthrough battle royal! AND THE WINNER OF THIS BATTLE ROYAL WILL THEN BE THE NUMBER 1 CONTENDER TO THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! AND IT WILL NOT BE ANY OF THESE OLD NAMES! Randy, as much as I admire you, YOU WILL NOT BE PART OF THIS!
Orton - YOU ARE MAKING A VERY BIG MISTAKE!
Ventura - Well, I’ve made plenty of mistakes before, but I move on from them and my rules still go and here in the WWE I AM THE GUEST HOST AND SO WHAT I SAY GOES! Now, here are the first for tonight. NUMBER ONE THAT YOU’VE NEVER SEEN - JOHN CENA WILL FACE CM PUNK! THEY’VE NEVER WRESTLED BEFORE! Following that, the Hart Dynasty will face DX! THEY HAVE NEVER FOUGHT BEFORE! AND FINALLY, THE CONTESTANTS OF THE BREAKTHROUGH BATTLE ROYAL, AND THE WINNER WILL BE THE NUMBER ONE CONTENDER TO THE CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD! THAT’S HOW IT’S GONNA BE BECAUSE I SAY SO! NOW, THE FIRST MATCH STARTS RIGHT NOW!
Cole - CAN KOFI BREAK ON THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE!?
Cole - Kofi can take one smore step towards being champion!
Cole - Finlay’s been in this industry for 30 years - it COULD be his last chance at a world title!
Cole - SHEAMUS IS ABSOLUTELY DOMINATING! (fan holds up Shanus sign)
Young Girl - I LOVE YOU, SHEAMUS!
Vickie - Teddy, pass the potatoes!
Punk - It seems everyone’s telling you what they’re thankful for this year. I’m thankful, first and foremost, FOR BEING STRAIGHT EDGE! I’m thankful this makes me different - because I wouldn’t to be any of you people! And for those living under a rock, straight edge means no drugs, no alcohol, no prescription medication. I do not abuse my body. Straight edge means I’m better than you! Thanksgiving’s biggest vice is gluttony, and judging by the size of some of you, I can see you all eating, then reaching for that LIQUID ANTACID, and then having dessert. Why? BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT AS STRONG AS I AM! On Thanksgiving, you can either be me, or you can continue being your lazy, drug-consuming selves! THREE CHEERS FOR MEDIOCRITY! Tonight, you’ll see me face a turkey names John Cena. I want you to know that through these sober eyes, I can see you!
King - Thanksgiving will be no fun at his house!
(Punk does the you can’t see me thing after the shining wizard, before the bulldog)Cole - PUNK IS MOCKING CENA!
Ventura - I’m sure there’s plenty of conspiracies with you in charge, Vince.
Ventura - You think you’re special by being a billionaire? I was in charge of a $32 billion dollar budget in Minnesota - I can run your little pipsqueak operation. I’m one of the few in this building who remembers your father - your father didn’t believe in you, and he made you an announcer because you couldn’t screw it up! Vince, tonight you’re going back on the mic with me tonight - no match, just talking - you might be good at it! We’re going back to what your father knew you could do - or thought you could do. Here’s your red bow-tie. If you’re not Bozo the Clown, you’re his twin brother!
Ventura - Randy, you’ll get your shot…IF YOU CAN BEAT EVAN BOURNE!
Ventura - Did someone mention Hogan or did you cut the cheese?
Cole - IT WAS 19 YEARS AGO THAT THE GOBBLEDY $$$$ER WAS HATCHED INTO THE WWE UNIVERSE!
Lawler - We’ve been informed that it’s “guker”, not “$$$$er”.
Lawler - Wait, they’re the Indians!? THAT’S NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT!
Lawler - Mickie James reminds me of Poke-a-hottie!
(as $$$$er)Maryse - Get. Out!
Jericho - THIS ISN’T ABOUT CATCHPHRASES, FART JOKES, AND LITTLE PEOPLE - THIS IS ABOUT THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP! AND FOR ALL YOUR JOKING, YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! EVER! AS LONG AS I HAVE THESE TITLES, YOU NEVER WILL!
Santino - Ladies, you shouldn’t be fighting, you should be making a dinner for your husbands or boyfriends. I CRAVE THE BREASTS! Of turkeys! I WOULD LOVE TO SEE ALL THE DIVAS OF THE WWE UNIVERSE UNITE AND PREPARE ME A MEAL OF EPIC PROPORTIONS!
Jesse - I’M IN CHARGE TONIGHT! AND I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE GREAT IF WE CAN TURN BACK THE CLOCK OF TIME! IF WE CAN ROTATE IT BACK ALMOST 20 YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS ON THE BROADCAST TEAM OF THE THEN-WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION! HERE’S MY BROADCAST PARTNER! BACK ON THE MIC WHERE HE BELONGS, VINCE MCMAHON! THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL TIE! It looks like a moron, and a moron would wear it! (Vince is just befuddled)
Vince - WHAT A BATTLE ROYAL!
Vince - Should I call you the Governor?
Jesse - YES, THAT WOULD BE THE PROPER THING TO DO! DO IT BEFORE I TELL YOU THE CATCHPHRASE THAT PEOPLE SENT ME LETTERS ABOUT FOR 20 YEARS - SHUT UP, MCMAHON!
Vince - There’s a man who doesn’t deserve to be in the battle royal, Randy Orton.
Jesse - Yeah, I broke the rule. I’m sure you know about that - you’ve broken every rule in entertainment!
Vince - I’ve never broken a rule in my life!
Jesse - You gotta be smart to be in a battle royal and not take damage.
Vince - You were like that, right?
Jesse - OF COURSE, I WAS A GOVERNOR!
Vince - I WAS A BILLIONAIRE!
Jesse - IT AIN’T ALL ABOUT MONEY, MCMAHON!
Vince - No, but it might help with your grammar!
Jesse - I only see one problem with Sheamus - he needs a sun tan. Has his skin never seen the sun?
Vince - IT HAS COME DOWN TO THREE - ORTON, SHEAMUS, AND THE YOUNG MAN WHO HAS IMPRESSED SO MANY - KOFI! Orton has to be the favorite.
Jesse - You’re sure Orton’s gonna win?
Vince - I’m not sure of anything.
Jesse - HOW DARE YOU CALL ME, A VIETNAM VETERAN, A COWARD!
Vince - I didn’t say that.
Jesse - You insinuated. I know you and your insinuations!
Vince - JUST LIKE I SAID, ORTON ELMINATED!
Jesse - You didn’t say that!
Vince - NO, BUT I WAS THINKING IT!
Vince - SHEAMUS WILL FACE JOHN CENA FOR THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP!
Jesse - I’m gonna go up there with my integrity and make sure these contracts are signed!
Vince - You’re gonna be naked? Never mind…
Jesse - SOMETIMES, YOU MAKE NO SENSE AT ALL!
Jesse - Sheamus is not only undefeated - he has taken people out of this business!